How to deal with workplace affair mess

[stuckonabarbedwirefence]

Please can anyone help me move on from this slightly ridiculous situation. It's going round and round in my head and I feel totally stuck with it all.

Basically, I'm divorced, single and last year came close to having an affair at work with a (married) colleague. He and I had always got on well, he was always very supportive to me at work and I'd always found him very attractive, but I knew he was married so that was that. There was chemistry, I liked him as a person but I didn't think of him in that way. I don't go for married men. Anyway, fast forward to last autumn and this guy - I'll call him A - told me that he'd separated from his wife. He'd also moved out from their house but they were having counselling apparently. Over the next couple of months, we grew a bit closer and we went out a few times, usually work related. We kissed, but didn't sleep together, it didn't get that far. He held back a bit and he didn't try to get me into bed. But - god, how I liked him. I really really fell for him in all honesty and was more sexually attracted to him than anyone I've ever met. As I didn't know where I stood though, I didn't really make the strength of my feelings obvious to him. We had a very honest chat one evening when I quizzed him about his marriage, and he was honest about the fact he was still intertwined so I decided to cool things. Anyway, just after Xmas, it was clear he was trying to work things out with his wife and they ended up buying a new house together. That was that, I thought. I was secretly disappointed but was happy for him and accepted it.
However, about a month ago, a female colleague of mine at work, who I know quite well - let's call her B - told me that he'd propositioned her when they went out on a works do. Everyone was pretty drunk apparently but he'd came on to her, and had been very lovely with her. B has already had an affair with another senior colleague (man A doesn't know about this) and she's told me that she's very attracted to A, and is interested in sleeping with him. He told her his marriage is a mess, that he and his wife are only together for the kids, apparently she had a fling. He'd told me similar things but not the fling. Anyway I've wondered whether his play for her was true or not but since then I've noticed them disappearing into meeting rooms together at work and having lots of little chats. As B sits opposite me this is hard to avoid and I just feel very uncomfortable with it all. Basically, the news has hit me really hard - it's one thing to think he's back with his wife but to hear that he came on to my colleague is different, and I did really like him. I'm jealous I suppose but equally, he appears to be a player so no good. Another issue is that I was open with B about my 'friendship' with man A, mainly as the chemistry was pretty obvious and she knew how I felt about him but now it looks as if they might have an affair. Since then, our friendship has really cooled, on her part not mine, which I also feel a bit upset about. I trusted her with some quite private stuff and I feel like she's totally dropped me to distance herself from me, presumably as she feels guilty. So I've lost what I thought was a good female friendship in a very male dominated environment, and A has also cooled towards me, when I thought we were genuinely friends ( I worked hard to maintain a good working relationship despite the attraction bit etc). It all feels really crap and It's affecting me at work. I'm even thinking of leaving as it's making me miserable and paranoid. However, I have no claim over A at all, and they are both obviously free to do what they want.

Please anyone tell me how to move on from it and feel better about it all!

You need to reconcile in your mind that A is a player, and the feelings he claimed to have for you were probably not very genuine. I think it's pretty clear that A is one of those men who are always on the lookout for a pretty new toy, and OH MY do they love the attention. Try to see him in his true light, and that is a man who won't be faithful and can't be trusted. I say you dodged a bullet.

Thanks Aquamarine. Yes, logically you are probably right. He must be a player, and I've escaped that, although he seemed genuinely lost with it all when he was talking to me about his failing marriage.

I can't talk to anyone about this in real life so it's helpful to write it down.

Yes, you've had a lucky escape.

You have had such a lucky break to not get fully messed up by that headfuck of a man

The man is a chancer and your friend is not to be trusted an inch. I think you'd be better off looking for another job away from those two toxic pains.

He's a player and worse than that he is playing on his own doorstep. He's a right arsehole and you are well rid.I think you have been veru lucky and that your friend B is a stupid stupid woman to fall for his lies, Thankfully you were more intelligent. If you were the very nasty bitch that l am you would anon let it out to wifey .

Wifey probably turns a blind eye to all his dalliances. And will be busy picking farrow and ball paint for the new home. Sorry to be cynical.

Vivvy High Five for that dose of realism well said!

This sounds a horrible situation to be in. However if you can sit it out you can watch the fallout when it all explodes and it will explode, eventually. Your "friend" will want to know you again then when she decides she suddenly needs you on her side.

He sounds awful. I think he spun you some good uns. And yes you dodged a bullet. But that doesn't make you feel any better at the moment. Keep going into work with your head held high and ignore them as best you can. That's all you can do for now unless you manage to find another job.

Thanks for your replies everyone. It's really helpful to hear your responses and to get objective viewpoints as it really has been messing with my head.

Am I being very naive to think that he was at least partly genuine? In that his marriage isn't going well? I suppose I know the various nuances, and he has been very kind to me in various work related ways. I don't think he is a nasty person - perhaps a bit pleased with himself, and a big earner, which perhaps fuels his sense of entitlement. We're all in fairly serious jobs.

God I sound like an idiot, don't I.

If you'd been the only one he started something with then there is a very small chance you could have given him the benefit of the doubt and believed he was possibly genuine.

But as he's moved onto your friend in a short space of time I highly doubt he was genuine, he told you what he thought you wanted to hear to get into your knickers. This is something he does. Moving from woman to woman behind his wife's back. Must be an incredible ego boost for him to be able to make women fall for him like this.

And this is just the workplace. How many others from hobbies, other activities has he got on the go?

Not an idiot at all, it's nice to be flattered but lucky for you you didn't get too involved.

I have a feeling 'B' may come running back to you when it all ends it tears... whether you support her is your choice of course!

It's all a mess up really. He was always quite honest about his marriage - said they were trying to make it work, that he didn't want to end up not seeing his kids, that they saw each other at weekends with the children. He never tried to get me into bed either. I always took those things as signs he was genuine. But the fact he's made a play for someone else so soon is a pretty bad teflection on him isn't it.

Just wish I didn't feel so bloody bad and disappointed about it. It's like not even knowing all this is enough - wtf is wrong with me? I think I'll need to change jobs but this seems like a huge step for something that arguably is pretty unimportant, on the face of it.

You've escaped being his OW. He does sound like a player who was trying to gain your sympathy.

It's best not to mix business with pleasure. When it goes wrong, it gets messed up and uncomfortable at work.

Sounds like he's learnt that the softly-softly approach makes him seem more genuine, but when it was apparent he wasn't getting into your bed he soon moved on to someone else, didn't he? Blatantly just after a 'relationship' on the side, not particularly bothered who it's with. Sorry OP, you sound like a decent person, but stop thinking he was genuinely confused/upset, whatever. If he was trying to make it work with his wife he wouldn't be pursuing other ppl. If he wants other ppl he should break it off with his wife. Anything else shows a dodgy character. Be glad you weren't stupid enough to get involved further. Avoid both of them like the plague.

Dodged a bullet .
Probably gonna have the wife in the office soon kicking off and throwing his stuff at him . Be glad it ain't you in the middle of it .

In the near future you will be thanking your lucky stars nothing further happened with him. The attraction will fade soon enough. I would question everything he ever said to you. He's a liar and a player and he came just short of playing you.

Dodged a bullet there for sure.

It's not that it's some morality thing - he took vows not you, but he seems to be a player "type" who just works his way through women regardless of the drama he causes

( I reckon he doesn't mind/deep down quite likes the idea of two/three women agonising and "fighting" over him which shows he's a bit of a drama llama. What is he actually offering you beyond a few "moments" and some angsty sex?

You see older women who have settled for this "type", and boy oh boy do they look tired and worn out down the line, like "where the fuck did my life go?")

He's clearly got good "soft people skills" which get him to create this "connection" feeling with different people.

Ultimately, he and your (ex) friend are a potential car crash so I'd concentrate on work, reaching out to other connections in the workplace, focussing on Yourself for a while. Practical stuff, like working out or diy.

Loneliness can be a killer but it's better to be alone at night reading a book than caught up in some weird drama shit.

Sounds like you've dodged 2 bullets there OP. You're well rid of both of them.

He was always quite honest about his marriage...

Please, please, please get your head straight. Don't confuse his "honesty" with what he told you and wanted you to believe. Just because he said something does not mean it's true!! You desperately need to break free of this bullshit spell he put you under.

Take comfort in the fact that you were able to resist him the first time around and were able to continue a good working relationship with him. Not everyone could have done that. That should help you face this next challenge.

Though I can understand the hurt about the friendship. I am v private so if I'd confided in someone and then they'd just dropped me/moved on to pursue a guy I'd be really upset.

Maybe he is hurting. Maybe you're right, and he's genuinely not getting some emotional need met by his wife. Maybe there's a part of him that needs understanding. Maybe you provided some of that. MAYBE.

But none of that could possibly justify his deceitful behaviour. He has been deceitful to his wife, who sadly has been squandering her precious time, energy, and emotional resources attending counselling sessions with this guy with a view to making her marriage work - resources she could be plowing into her children, or improving her own life - where he's supposed to be transparent so they can make progress, but instead of investing in his marriage, all the while he's been putting his energy into playing violins and sharing emotional intimacy with you and to cap it off, is now shagging another woman in the same office you work in!

Why would you hanker over a immature narcissistic doucebag like this? Thank god and your lucky stars you had the commonsense not too get too heavily involved. You would have found yourself drained emotionally in no time, trying to constantly fill this guy up and meet the needs of his gigantic ego in case he looks elsewhere. He is immature and chronically dishonest, with no real intention of working on his marriage - yet he wants to shag other women whilst simultaneously receiving sympathy over his marriage woes.

You're WELL rid. Your colleague, however, is a fool and will either be dropped on her arse, or end up in the position his wife is in. You've had a lucky escape. Be nice to yourself, treat yourself. You deserve better than this potential life waster. I'm sure there's someone genuine and caring out there for you. In fact I'm willing to bet this guy would suddenly be keen again if you started dating someone. He's an egotist through and through. Don't waste another moment of your precious time thinking about him.

You really have had a lucky escape. I've worked with someone like this. Lots of charm and actually a really good laugh BUT....

He got round a lot of new joiners (was in Training dept). His reputation ended up being known in a number of different companies in the industry and his 'conquests' ended up feeling pretty silly and embarrassed.

He must be a player, and I've escaped that, although he seemed genuinely lost with it all when he was talking to me about his failing marriage.

Yes, players are very heartfelt. They have all these Emotions, you see, that they feel so Very Deeply. They're lost romantic souls. Confused. Pulled so strongly in so many directions by their deep feelings for two (or more) women, and they don't want to let anyone down because they Care So Very Much. Therefore they can't make a commitment one way or the other.

The myth that he is some kind of tragic romantic character torn between two women equally deserving of his cock love, and not just another horny fuckwit trying to keep one foot in the door is what lets him get away with his behaviour.

Lucky escape is right.