How to deal with workplace affair mess

[stuckonabarbedwirefence]

Please can anyone help me move on from this slightly ridiculous situation. It's going round and round in my head and I feel totally stuck with it all.

Basically, I'm divorced, single and last year came close to having an affair at work with a (married) colleague. He and I had always got on well, he was always very supportive to me at work and I'd always found him very attractive, but I knew he was married so that was that. There was chemistry, I liked him as a person but I didn't think of him in that way. I don't go for married men. Anyway, fast forward to last autumn and this guy - I'll call him A - told me that he'd separated from his wife. He'd also moved out from their house but they were having counselling apparently. Over the next couple of months, we grew a bit closer and we went out a few times, usually work related. We kissed, but didn't sleep together, it didn't get that far. He held back a bit and he didn't try to get me into bed. But - god, how I liked him. I really really fell for him in all honesty and was more sexually attracted to him than anyone I've ever met. As I didn't know where I stood though, I didn't really make the strength of my feelings obvious to him. We had a very honest chat one evening when I quizzed him about his marriage, and he was honest about the fact he was still intertwined so I decided to cool things. Anyway, just after Xmas, it was clear he was trying to work things out with his wife and they ended up buying a new house together. That was that, I thought. I was secretly disappointed but was happy for him and accepted it.
However, about a month ago, a female colleague of mine at work, who I know quite well - let's call her B - told me that he'd propositioned her when they went out on a works do. Everyone was pretty drunk apparently but he'd came on to her, and had been very lovely with her. B has already had an affair with another senior colleague (man A doesn't know about this) and she's told me that she's very attracted to A, and is interested in sleeping with him. He told her his marriage is a mess, that he and his wife are only together for the kids, apparently she had a fling. He'd told me similar things but not the fling. Anyway I've wondered whether his play for her was true or not but since then I've noticed them disappearing into meeting rooms together at work and having lots of little chats. As B sits opposite me this is hard to avoid and I just feel very uncomfortable with it all. Basically, the news has hit me really hard - it's one thing to think he's back with his wife but to hear that he came on to my colleague is different, and I did really like him. I'm jealous I suppose but equally, he appears to be a player so no good. Another issue is that I was open with B about my 'friendship' with man A, mainly as the chemistry was pretty obvious and she knew how I felt about him but now it looks as if they might have an affair. Since then, our friendship has really cooled, on her part not mine, which I also feel a bit upset about. I trusted her with some quite private stuff and I feel like she's totally dropped me to distance herself from me, presumably as she feels guilty. So I've lost what I thought was a good female friendship in a very male dominated environment, and A has also cooled towards me, when I thought we were genuinely friends ( I worked hard to maintain a good working relationship despite the attraction bit etc). It all feels really crap and It's affecting me at work. I'm even thinking of leaving as it's making me miserable and paranoid. However, I have no claim over A at all, and they are both obviously free to do what they want.

Please anyone tell me how to move on from it and feel better about it all!

To the point that i felt like handing out a list to new starters Sorry to derail the thread but this made me laugh. Its amazing isn't it? Corporate/office environments are ripe for this behaviour, and what is so funny is that everyone believes no one knows.....

Oh dear me, I'm separated/ staying for the kids/ we're not sleeping together is pretty common well established bullshit. You know this, you knew this but played the game because you wanted what was on offer. Your denial about who he is a part of the problem, so much so even when his behaviour belies his supposed genuineness, you still deep down don't want to believe it.

You got played and he's moved on. Part of his winning strategy was the long con (knowing that you would need to believe he wasn't after just one thing, so he had to move slower).

Part of moving on is accepting it for what it was but currently you don't want to (because you've invested heavily in the he's a good man in a difficult position story) and so you can't.

I knew you would come back with the age range 40-50.

It's classic mid life crisis, big earner, entitled etc etc.

It's easy to swallow though. Who doesn't like attention?

Just put it down to lucky escape.

I doubt if any truth ever spills out of his mouth, the lies must just roll off his forked tongue.

Fortunately OP you played it well your colleague is just too dumb or lonely or both to see that. I expcect a shit storm at some point just sit back and watch.

she wants an open marriage?

I suppose it's possible but I honestly have never heard this come out of the mouth of a single one of my married friends. They're either in, or they're on that mental path to accepting it's over.

I just think it's very unusual for a woman to suggest an open marriage. NOT to say it doesn't happen of course.

I reckon he did and does like you, find you attractive, good company etc etc ..... but men like that, they just take. They take your company and they take what's on offer and they just don't give a moment's thought to whether they're preventing you from meeting somebody who could offer you more.

I got played royally by a man who gave me the I don't want a relationship speech but he left of the two vital words I needed to hear to prevent me growing attached to him. He didn't say ''with you'' at the end of the sentence unfortunately. Not only that but he portrayed himself as an avoidant in therapy. I later figured out he was more than capable of having a relationship and I feel like he stole one from me because I cut him slack for not being ''able'' to commit, and we were basically in a relationship except, one he could leave with no explanation! Perfect for him. Shit for me. So I'm just aware that men who like you or like your company (but don't value you?) just take what they can without a thought. They literally don't even think ''am I using her as the instrument of my own selfishness?'', ''am I preventing her from meeting somebody?''.

I agree with PPs, before too long your colleague will be crying in the toilets because he's humiliated her or insulted her intelligence or she's caught him in a lie that brings the true picture crashing down on her, possibly with a few witnesses on hand to observe her every facial expression. You are so glad it's not you.

Sorry to hear your experiences Pagan and Competent. It's very hurtful and disorientating when you're going through it.

You're right though, we make excuses for them. Why do some women (me obviously) do this? We really don't need to settle for such poor, inadequate behaviour.

This hit the mark There's no 'no' but there's no 'yes' either. Exactly this. Wankers.

Very illuminating pagan and highly. This really helping me put some past 'failures' aka lucky escapes into focus. I'm reading these posts like 'ahhhhhh that's why'

OP you sound like a very clever woman to have not given your entire heart away to this knob, along with your knickers and your dignity. Like previous posters have said I'd look into leaving at xmas. Good luck

Sounds like an awful working culture/environment fuelled by male competitiveness, alcohol and greed. You sound like a nice person who has got sucked in. I think I'd try to leave that environment if I was you, its toxic

I have no advice for the OP. I wish I could have kept such a cool head in similar circumstances. The colleague sounds, mutatis mutandis, exactly like my gorgeous neighbour. Nothing really 'happened' between us as such: he went from being charming, super nice and helpful to being flirtatious and physical when his wife wasn't there (ignoring me in her presence) to becoming distant and cold, and finally yelling angrily at me about a badly parked car which was neither mine nor particularly badly parked! I was very taken aback by the car incident and said 'Desolée!' as he stalked off, whereupon he shot me a look of pity/regret but kept walking. He then avoided me for a couple of weeks and I spent a miserable Christmas with the homesick DCs (my then relationship with XP had petered out, not helped by my infatuation with someone else of course) watching my neighbour do his whole charming bonhomie schtick with random passers by while I was apparently invisible. Things improved after the New Year - I remembered to say 'Bonne année!' when I saw him and he beamed and passed me a small gift, possibly some old stock that was getting thrown out, but it was still a nice gesture and he must have remembered it was my favourite. Shortly afterwards I discovered that an employee of his had walked out around the time of the car incident, saying that he had become spiteful and ultra-critical and that she was having to apply for crap jobs miles away because she couldn't bear to be around him any more. This gave me a bit of closure as I realised that his treatment of me was more a reflection of his mercurial moods than anything I had done, though I now feel stupid that I spent so much time and energy analysing every interaction trying to work out his feelings towards me when I clearly occupy very little space in his mind. I had to come back to the UK shortly afterwards and we parted on friendly terms: he had been the guest of honour at a festival in the village the day before, and I told him how magnificent he had looked in his regalia and he blushed and seemed very pleased, and we had a conversation that was free from awkwardness for practically the first time in a year! In all this time I never actually propositioned him (I'm too socially inept, my French still sucks, we were both in relationships etc.) and I can't blame him for leading me on as his behaviour was totally correct in the beginning when I was already head over heels. I feel a bit like the OP - ridiculous situation, I need to 'move on' etc. I'm seeing someone else now (as is my neighbour, allegedly) and I hope my attraction to someone I can't feasibly avoid won't ruin everything. I had managed to regain some degree of equilibrium, but my new BF who knows the whole story just casually dropped it into conversation that my neighbour had a heart attack a few years ago, and I've since been tormented (again!) by nightmares that something awful will happen to him and I won't be there. So no advice really, just well done for handling the situation better than I've done and thank you for starting the thread, it's been therapeutic!

I don't feel sorry for the OP in this. I feel sorry for the wife. I find all the comforting and support for the OP in this slightly baffling when she has been kissing a married man (and what sounds like an EA) and now she is upset that he didn't pursue it further and how "honest'' he had been about his marriage? Sounds like he was saying enough to pique OP's interest about the possibility of a proper relationship whilst giving himself an easy out from the fledgling relationship when he went back to his wife.

Most likely he has been toying with OP and hasn't been in the least bit genuine. This sort of mess is exactly the sort of thing that you can expect when playing with fire.

And whilst I get that he told OP that they were separated he did say that they were going for counselling which to me sounds like they were working at salvaging the supposedly failing marriage. Kissing OP on the side isn't going to particularly help with the counselling.

Hallo again. Thanks to all of you who contributed to the thread. I thought I'd post an update - the male colleague I spoke about in my OP has since told me his marriage is over, and that he and his wife are splitting. She is keeping the house and he's figuring out what to do next.

Just when I'd thought I'd got it figured out, I now feel back to square one. Although his interest in me has definitely waned and female colleague is steering clear of me. I still think they will have an affair.

Now I'm picturing him and colleague ending up together. It's pathetic I know. I need to really get him out of my mind but I'm finding it so hard.

I have a job interview next week and I'm praying I get it.

Sorry you're hurting OP

I'm assuming you're childless from your previous posts?

Not being weird, but even if this guy was available to you, being in a relationship with someone with young children is possibly the most rubbish social option on the planet?

Don't mean to be patronising, but I assume you've never dated anyone with children or you'd have written him off long ago.

I dated a high flyer, divorced LONG ago so I didn't even have to contend with that. Two children. Good lord Three months of hell.

No weekends together, no spontaneous plans, having to deal with the "negative energy" from interactions with ex wife.

If they're high flying types, the children need to be keeping up with the children of other high flying types - and that good income doesn't mean much when you minus of private school fees and extra lessons and. Not to mention the uni fees and the house deposits and wedding costs to be accrued for the next 20 years.

And ex wife doesn't want to work longer hours (Fair play to her) so guess who will be expected to make up the financial difference?

And you can never say anything in case "contact" is affected.

Look at the st

Look at the step parenting boards here, and thank god this guy may have his eye on someone else

Good luck! That sounds like a complication that it would be negative to have to observe.

You know how when you haven't even entered a race, it was a crap race, but I know if I were in your shoes observing I'd have an uncomfortable feeling of being rejected or being second even though obviously logically it's a car crash and your colleague should steer clear!

Thanks both. Deja, I have one son, age 6, and maybe because of that, I'm pretty open to step parenting. I've often thought it would be great for my boy to have a bigger family than just me! But I realise it doesn't always go rosily, and there are obviously challenges. I think I tend to rose tint everything - sometimes useful, often not.

Pagan, I've appreciated your clear headed insight. Yes, it does all sound like a car crash, and logically it's good that I'm standing clear of the wreckage. I really just need to get my head in order and distract myself with other (more important) things but I'm struggling to do this. Loss of a friendship, envy, feeling lonely and very single, stress in a competitive job... it's a highly toxic mix.

How DD he come to tell you that? What was his approach/attitude like?

Buying a house is one of the most stressful things you can do. I don't believe for one second a couple who have had marital issues and want to try working on their relationship again would start with a house purchase. Followed by a renovation. Not unless she caught him having sex in their bedroom with the one before you, OP.

I bet she thinks they have a lovely marriage, just bought their dream home and she's project managing the slow renovation to turn it into something she envisions as their forever family home.

Your colleague is one of these people who gets a thrill shitting where she eats. It probably excites her more that you were once attracted to him, so she's not only cheating on his wife, but (emotionally) on you too.

Annie, I asked if he was ok when we were briefly on our own and it came out. I said (rather briskly) 'well, you've sorted things out before, I'm sure you will again', but he said very definitely it was over. He seemed genuinely low. Apparently, she has made the decision, not him. I believe him, it's been going on for a long time.

I'm just gutted the timing wasn't better. I liked him so much and really did imagine something was going to happen - but for a myriad of reasons it looks as if it absolutely won't now.
Sometimes I imagine meeting him in a year's time (when easy fuck option with colleague is done with and he's got things sorted out). FFS, how do I get rid of this complete fantasy in my head.

I think you've had a lucky escape and maybe next time be careful who you 'share' with, so if your work colleagues drift away from you you're not left worrying about shared confidences.

he's relishes the thrill of the chase l...

you've had a very lucky escape OP... you'd never be able to trust this man...