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Original poster

How to escape this narcissist?

83 replies

turquoisequeen · 27/08/2017 07:07

Just after some advice from anyone who has managed it. Please.
I've had nearly 9 years of the abusive controlling knob and I've had enough. We have 5 children together. I was preparing to leave and told him a few home truths about his behaviour. He is emotionally abusive, I dread him coming in the house, I look forward to him going out or to work, I'm scared of his moods, his silent treatment. The lot. I cried. A lot. He cried also and was very apologetic and promised to try to change as long as I helped him by pointing out what he does wrong.
He denied ever stopping me from working, he denied alienating me from family and friends, he denies needing professional help.
So fast forward a couple of weeks of him trying. And jobs have been done round the house, children have been played with instead of ignored.
He is desperate for attention off me. I just don't want to give it. I don't want to cuddle or kiss him. I don't want to have sex. I don't even want to sleep in the same bed. I woke up yesterday morning to him grabbing my boob then getting stroppy when I made him stop (the toddler was lay between us).
Anyway, last night I went to bed early as have been under the weather for a fortnight. He followed me to say he's making an effort and now it's my turn to try harder. He "thrives with affection" and I'm not giving him enough. He needs the kissing and cuddling and odd grope to get him through the day and apparently I'm a cold human being. This is all his words. So I know this can't go on. I can't live with this. I'm exhausted.

So how do I get out? Preferably without a massive fallout if that's at all possible. I have children's centres aware of situation and a visit from a social worker last week. That was a lovely experience. He flat refused to speak to her at first. But she hinted we need a plan to get him out of the house and is coming back next week to see me alone.

Please help. I'm desperate.

OP posts:
echt · 27/08/2017 07:17

Unless you've posted this so it will disappear in 90 days, ask MNHQ to shift to Relationships, where you will have so much good advice.

Zvandelle · 27/08/2017 07:22

Well done for seeking help - there will be those along in a minute that can help way better than I , but just so you know you're not alone, I thought I'd respond. You've made it clear that you know you have to separate. That's great, because he sounds scary as hell. It must be very difficult to not be manipulated by him. A plan - can you change the locks whilst he is at work, or do you have somewhere else to go? You maybe should contact your family, try and tell them the situation, and that you are desperate to get out. Persue social services, they can support you somewhat, but just to get out soon in a non-confrontational way seems important. If you try and plan your escape whilst he is at work? God, I wish I could be more help. The very best of luck - I will be checking back to read the advice you get - everyone is so supportive ( except really weird judgy freaks!!!!! Ignore ANY criticism you get) I so hope you find a way out of this. Flowers

CoinOperatedGurl · 27/08/2017 07:24

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CDAlady · 27/08/2017 07:30

Why would she be interested in a narcissistic bully?

Original poster
turquoisequeen · 27/08/2017 07:31

I have told my mum and she thinks it's just better all round if we stay together isn't it. She brought us up as a single parent and I hope her bad advice is just because she doesn't want the same for me. I suspect it's not but never mind. I used to be an extremely affectionate and outgoing person. That was destroyed by the snide remarks every time I spoke to anyone. I have made lots of effort. I've overlooked his looking for affection elsewhere while I've been pregnant or bogged with 4 children under 3 years old. He is sapping my spirit. Social worker was called because of an incident involving him and one of the children. The child reported it themselves inadvertently to someone with an obligation to report.

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoisequeen · 27/08/2017 07:31

Coinoperatedgurl would you like him?????

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 27/08/2017 07:33

I totally disagree with your post Coin. OP is not going to feel affectionate and attracted towards an abusive moody twat and a few weeks of better behaviour from him will not change this. It sounds like the damage is done. OP was telling him home truths on the way out not still trying to save the relationship and who can blame her.

CoinOperatedGurl · 27/08/2017 07:36

Coinoperatedgurl would you like him?????

lol depends what he looks like. I have a list of things I like in a man.

If you can't work it out and you're unhappy then yes you definitely need to leave. Who's house is it?

Original poster
turquoisequeen · 27/08/2017 07:40

It belongs to our local council

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoisequeen · 27/08/2017 07:40

And why should I leave? Why should he stay?

OP posts:
CoinOperatedGurl · 27/08/2017 07:43

Because you're the one which is unhappy in the relationship and wants it to end. My friend who has two under 4's has recently done the same thing and left the kids with her now ex.

And if it's council who's name is on the tenancy?

Original poster
turquoisequeen · 27/08/2017 07:48

You're sounding very similar to him so I'm not going to respond to you any more. You obviously missed some bits in my previous posts because you're getting this very very wrong

OP posts:
CoinOperatedGurl · 27/08/2017 07:50

I have aspd which is very similar to npd.

I just thought you may have wanted an opinion from another perspective and practical advice on leaving your property.

MessyBun247 · 27/08/2017 07:51

Dont listen to coins idiotic bullshit!

lightcola · 27/08/2017 07:51

Do not listen to CoinOperatedGurl.

Only you can know if you should stay with him or not and it sounds like you've made your choice for good reasons. I'm afraid I have no advice but didn't want the above poster to make you feel like you were being unreasonable. Good luck.

Original poster
turquoisequeen · 27/08/2017 07:56

Thank you. I have nowhere to go. I cannot leave the children with him. So I would be sleeping in my car with 5 kids a dog two cats a small rodent and a couple of goldfish. Not ideal really

OP posts:
HotelEuphoria · 27/08/2017 07:59

I rarely comment on other people's posts, only the OP, but on this occasion I am happy to say STFU Coin. Are you a man?

MessyBun247 · 27/08/2017 08:01

OP maybe give womens aid a call?

CoinOperatedGurl · 27/08/2017 08:01

No I'm not a man. What gave you that idea?

If you have nowhere else to go op then I suggest you talk to him but I doubt he's going to leave without a fight. Also if his name is in the tenancy then you may have a problem.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/08/2017 08:04

I would start by preparing for the social workers next visit.

Can you get together documents about your financial position? It sounds like you do not work. Does your OH? What child care benefit etc do you get?

Do you rent? Whose name is on the agreement. Your mum doesn't sound supportive but do you have any family or friends who will be.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by planning to leave.

Is it possible for you to start hiding away some cash? Womens aid would also be a source of support.

Good luck, you can do this

Original poster
turquoisequeen · 27/08/2017 08:04

Messy I've been trying. Am going to try again today while he's out

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoisequeen · 27/08/2017 08:08

House is a joint tenancy. He works. I pay for everything out of tax credits so no way to stash cash. Struggle as it is without him helping. I'm desperate to work but not allowed to put children with childminders or in nursery before 3. God knows why

OP posts:
CoinOperatedGurl · 27/08/2017 08:09

This reply has been deleted

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innagazing · 27/08/2017 08:10

On the other hand Coin the op is the main carer for the 5 children, so it makes over riding sense for her to remain in the house with the children. Otherwise it will subject them to being homeless. or temporarily accommodated etc and most likely having to change schools too.
Do you have ny children Coin? Or perhaps you just haven't thought it though very well?

lightcola · 27/08/2017 08:47

Whether woman's aid have been useful for other posters is irrelevant. Their circumstances could be completely different. Call them, they could be very useful.