How to escape this narcissist?

[turquoisequeen]

Just after some advice from anyone who has managed it. Please.
I've had nearly 9 years of the abusive controlling knob and I've had enough. We have 5 children together. I was preparing to leave and told him a few home truths about his behaviour. He is emotionally abusive, I dread him coming in the house, I look forward to him going out or to work, I'm scared of his moods, his silent treatment. The lot. I cried. A lot. He cried also and was very apologetic and promised to try to change as long as I helped him by pointing out what he does wrong.
He denied ever stopping me from working, he denied alienating me from family and friends, he denies needing professional help.
So fast forward a couple of weeks of him trying. And jobs have been done round the house, children have been played with instead of ignored.
He is desperate for attention off me. I just don't want to give it. I don't want to cuddle or kiss him. I don't want to have sex. I don't even want to sleep in the same bed. I woke up yesterday morning to him grabbing my boob then getting stroppy when I made him stop (the toddler was lay between us).
Anyway, last night I went to bed early as have been under the weather for a fortnight. He followed me to say he's making an effort and now it's my turn to try harder. He "thrives with affection" and I'm not giving him enough. He needs the kissing and cuddling and odd grope to get him through the day and apparently I'm a cold human being. This is all his words. So I know this can't go on. I can't live with this. I'm exhausted.

So how do I get out? Preferably without a massive fallout if that's at all possible. I have children's centres aware of situation and a visit from a social worker last week. That was a lovely experience. He flat refused to speak to her at first. But she hinted we need a plan to get him out of the house and is coming back next week to see me alone.

Please help. I'm desperate.

This definitely needs moving to Relationships....

I don't know how to ask the powers that be to move it sorry

What's giving us the idea that you're a bloke, Coin, is the misogynistic and frankly gross shite you're spitting on every fucking thread you land on. So do everyone a favour and fuck off eh?

OP it's hard to get through to WA because they are underfunded and overworked because so many women are in need of their services. Keep plugging away, I think you can email them as well if your email is secure. Good luck, I hope you can get out soon

If he has NPD or strong traits then do not waste your breath on pleading with him or trying to negotiate at this stage. Depending on how clever he is he will manipulate you. He has done this already hence him being nice to reel you in.

When people just write they have bad relationships as reader it's sometimes hard to ascertain what is going on. The fact your child informed SS about their own Father rings huge alarm bells.

Coin is saying WA are unhelpful but she never got through so she actually has no idea how helpful or unhelpful they are because she didn't speak to them. I had dealings with them via another charity I worked for and thought they were very good in what they do. Coin admits to having anti social personality disorder which is why her responses are so out of tune with everyone else.

Coin nice bit of victim blaming from you . OP do you have a support network around you? The idea of leaving is sometimes a worse prospect than the reality. Could you speak to the council? They often have support for relationship breakdowns. I'd talk to Shelter too. They will keep you right with regards to your legal rights.

OP - I have reported this (not in a bad way) and asked that it be moved to Relationships as you'll get more support there.

OP - are you married? If so, it's more.difficult to get the man out of the maritial home (I know this due to bitter experience).

Yes I'm married. It all seems so scary. I'm so beaten down with it all that the thought of finishing it seems like too much hard work but things can't go on. Thank you for reporting it. I use the app so don't know how to do it.

Coin you're not helping, in fact you're saying things that just aren't true.

OP your post made my skin crawl, he's an absolute creep and an abuser. Can the SW offer any support in getting him out? You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and be groped and manipulated into sex, that's awful. I managed to escape my XH, his abuse escalated to physical before I got out. Well done for realising that this behaviour is wrong and abusive, I never did until afterwards.

Post in relationships, you get helpful posters there not gfs like Coin.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to speak to Women's Aid and see a solicitor.

Ignore coin, he/she/it likes to be a gf.

Defiantly call women's aid Op, they will help you and do their best to keep you and your dc safe.

Thanks all. I will keep trying women's aid. Not too easy with all the kids off school.
I hate myself for being on this position. My father was abusive and I swore that if anyone ever hit me they'd be out the door faster than I could say get out! But didn't prepare myself for the emotional crap instead.

Please don't hate yourself OP, it's NOT your fault. Abusers are very clever bastards, they start off with the low level EA until they're sure they've got you trapped and bullied into staying, then ramp it up. You've realised it's wrong and that is a huge, huge step. You can do the rest too, you do have it in you, I promise.

Coin, have you missed the bit where the OP's child has reported abuse from him? That is why social services are involved!

There are 5 DC who need housing along with their mother. The father who abuses them all needs to leave! Social services may well insist on this as abuse has been reported.

Don't beat yourself up - I think it's very common for women who've been victims of physical violence to then end up in emotionally abusive relationships, I guess partly because it makes us vulnerable on some level which abusers pick up on, and also probably because you're looking for different markers of bad behaviour? Just a guess on my part as to why, but you're not the only one, definitely. On the other hand, how fucking tough are you to have endured all that from your dad and now your husband? You're going to be unstoppable when you get him out of your life

Ignore me? I simply said women's aid were useless with me and asked her if the sw has given her any other numbers. Women's aid are generally rubbish surely if there are other places she can get help that's better. But hey what do I know....

You said it sounded like the abuse was OPs fault Coin and came up with several ways that it was apparently her fault too. If you yourself have been in an abusive relationship that makes your attitude even worse! Minimising abuse is a technique used by abusers, its stunningly shocking to see it from an apparent survivor!

How do you know they are useless when you never even spoke to them? What do you know indeed

Well exactly. They never helped me because I couldn't get to speak to someone. So how is that a helpful service?

You're like that one twat on amazon who leaves a one star review on a product because the delivery company messed up and it never arrived

Not really I am not the only person who has not been able to get through to them. In the end I didn't need them anyway snd don't really see how they could have been useful. What do they even do?

Fair enough, women's aid didn't help you Coin. That doesn't explain why you explicitly blamed the OP for the abuse she is enduring in your first post.

You see I am inclined to think that actually it is really not fair enough to be slating a resource which saves women's lives when by the posters own admission, they don't even know what that organisation does. A glance through the posting history of this one will be illuminating, Notreallyarsed, as I think it actually does go a long way to answering the question of why they are blaming OP for the abuse she is suffering.