A competitive friend suddenly cuts me off

[lola32]

I've got a childhood friend, literally I've known her since the age of 2 or so. Over the years we've developed a weird relationship. There were periods when we were really friendly, but I also confronted her in the past over her habitual lying to make herself look better (I mean things that were so clearly made up I was embarrassed for her.) She's always been hyper-competitive with me, inclusive of actually taking on hobbies and entirely changing her life plans to "out-do" me.

She deleted me off Facebook a few years back - never explained her reasons but I can only presume it was because at the time I was seeing an extremely good looking guy who also happened to be quite well off, and he liked posting loads of happy pictures of us. She was at the time married and "very happy" according to what she's been communicating via lengthy (and slightly cringeworthy) posts on Facebook.

Okay fast forward several years, she adds me back on Facebook and starts chatting, being super bitchy, other times extremely friendly but mostly constantly bragging and sending lots of pictures of her house, kids and emails / uni transcripts to "prove" how well she's doing in life.

I never really cared much about competing with her nor do I have a penchant for making myself look better or lying. I told her I've bought a small house by myself (smaller than hers but she bought with husband and at the time of crisis so effectively her house costed less than mine) she knows I completed my degree 10 years ago and got a first but I guess she feels she's doing a "better" qualification since it's more maths based. The last communications I got from her was some pictures of how she's single handedly re-painted her kids bedroom, so I congratulated her on being hands on resourceful (while privately thinking it was slightly weird for her to do this while her husband was "away with his mates" but okay.)

After this I've heard zero from her and she stopped replying to any forms of communication from me. I find myself scratching my head what the problem is this time? I have to say it feels a bit crap because it seems I was duped somehow - thinking that we could reinvigorate the friendly relationship we once had, to only be dragged into her "life olympics" and now dumped because... I don't know, she feels she won? Or she feels she lost?

We have some mutual friends and I've been told previously that her family has been close to breadline for years since he stopped working when her first child was born, plus (bitch alert, sorry) just looking at her and her family the clothes all look like stuff straight out of a charity shop. Please note I never comment on any of this to her and she's not aware that I know re her financial situation.

I guess I'm looking for opinions as to her sudden no contact and how to best deal with the situation. So far I've just been ignoring it but I have to say it annoys me and sometimes I feel like I should say something to her.

Your post doesn't read too well. Maybe she is overly competitive and a bit if a dick but your comments about her are not so great either. She could hardly not feel your opinion of her. The comment about her being weird for reprinting while husband was away? What the hell??

Oh and advice, sorry. Don't bother with her, your relationship with her sounds exhausting.

It sounds to me as though neither of you are bringing the best out in each other. You are both seemingly bitchy and competitive. That's not a friendship.

I'm not sure you are aware how little you like her and how superior you feel to her.

I so think there is a danger that you are irritated because she isn't there for you to silently put in her place.

Leave her alone now. You are really not her friend

Having re read the post I realise it comes across not nice, please understand I'm clearly writing this while being irritated with the situation. I told her I feel happy for her and I never consciously try to make her feel "less than." I always thought she was doing well considering the uphill struggle she's had but all I hoped from her is to reconnect on a real level that we had years back and in the end it just comes across as her bragging all the time and try to prove something to me and now "dumping" me again for some unknown reason.

It is a bit hard to see why you want to be friends with her, she doesn't sound very nice, and for me the lying would make me very uneasy.

She has history of suddenly dropping you for no apparent reason, she's done it again - I'd just leave it and stop trying to understand it. And if she gets in touch in the future, just ignore.

You sound like a bit of a cow, perhaps she has realised this. The charity shop comment was particularly unpleasant. And wtf is weird about her painting her kid's bedroom?

I never really cared much about competing with her

...(smaller than hers but she bought with husband and at the time of crisis so effectively her house costed less than mine)

I think you're more competitive than you realise.

You're both bitchy and competitive from the sounds of it, and you don't seem to like her (poring over photos to inspect her clothes?) so end the friendship.

Well it does sound like she's had a tough few years, if it's true that her dp hasn't worked since her first child was born and they're struggling financially.

Perhaps she is indeed jealous of you, or perhaps she detects the fact that you have a low opinion of her.

In just that one post you make judgemental references to her being on the breadline and how she dresses her family, the fact that you got a first class degree years ago and the fact that she technically paid less for her house than you did. Basically, it doesn't sound like she's the only one being competitive.

Call it quits, you'd both be better off out of each other's lives.

I think you should go your own way.

It sounds like she might be really struggling. Perhaps she wants your approval? Or to feel better about herself? Whatever's going on, it doesn't sound like a happy situation for either of you. If you can't be there for her after all those years, I think I would step quietly back from the friendship.

Honestly, I'm not trying to make you feel bad but you do need to let this go.

I'm sure you are a lovely person but this dynamic isn't good.

I've never in my life had to try not to make my friends feel 'less than' because it's simply not possible.
Your list of thecways in which she competes with you is simply. List of the ways in which you privately think you are winning. You are competing with her. It's not nice for either of you.

I would regret a sudden ending of a friendship if i missed them. I wouldn't regret it because I was bothered that they make think they had won.

You are not horrible but this relationship doesn't make you nice. Let it go.

@WomanWithAltitude She's been sending me her family pics so I didn't really go on pouring over her profile or anything.

Even so - you were assessing her clothes when you looked at the photo. The normal reaction is just to think 'that's a nice family photo' and move on.

I've never in my life had to try not to make my friends feel 'less than' because it's simply not possible. Your list of the ways in which she competes with you is simply a list of the ways in which you privately think you are winning. You are competing with her.

^ this is spot on

@WomanWithAltitude There's much research and anecdotal evidence on the impact of first impressions and it does have to do with how a person dresses etc. I don't think I'm being abnormal by noting what I saw. Of course the most important thing is that she's happy and her family are happy and this is always what I comment on and praise.

I've never in my life had to try not to make my friends feel 'less than' because it's simply not possible. Your list of the ways in which she competes with you is simply a list of the ways in which you privately think you are winning. You are competing with her.

I think this sums it up nicely.

You don't know she defriended you on fb because you were seeing a good looking wealthy man. You're just guessing that. It would be an unusual reason to defriend someone!

Plenty of wealthy people dress like tramps and low income families wear designer clothes.

It sounds like she's proud of her achievements (decorating a child's room - plenty of people share that with friends), getting a degree as an adult student (far more challenging when older and with children and or a job, unlike when you're a teenager with parental support). You're seeing it as bragging and then giving us examples as how you're so much more clever and accomplished. She may have chosen sports or hobbies because you sparked an interest - that also happens!

But you are as bad as she is! You're constantly comparing yourself with her in terms of 'success'.

Honestly, this 'friendship' is toxic for both of you - let it go.

You have to see that your post reads just as badly from your side, surely?

Love especially how her nice pictures on Facebook are "bragging" but you presumably didn't feel your (handsome, wealthy) boyfriend was a bragger for his pictures of nice places with you? That made me chuckle.

And I simply have no idea where you're coming from over her painting her kids room whilst her husband was away. WTF? With some of your other comments I can see what dig you're making - the charity shop clothes one is fairly blatant - but the bedroom painting? What are you about?!

You really think she isn't reading between the lines and getting the vibes off you? Maybe "congratulations on being hands on resourceful" came across to her as a patronising and mean "well done you for doing it yourself because you've got no money for a painter and well done for coping alone because you've got a shit husband"?

If you think that's way off the mark, then maybe consider that all the feelings you're attributing to her are also way off the mark?

Just let it go - you're not friends. Move on.

What Pagwatch said.

No matter how you justify it, it's not normal to look at a friends photos and then come on a forum making snotty comments about the clothes coming from a charity shop. That's in addition to the comments about how your boyfriend was good looking and rich therefore implying more so than her partner , how you bought a more expensive house on your own whilst she bought a cheaper house with her husband, you got a first for your degree and the odd, scoffing comment about her decorating her kids room. What exactly did you mean as I can't see the relevance of the husband being away,?

I have met competitive people like this and it can be difficult to not get dragged in. Maybe that's what's gone on here. If that's the case, step away and work on friendships where outdoing each other is not an issue.

You're as bad as each other. Instead of being supportive you're desperate to drag each other down.

Haha, okay I'm sure many people share pics of decorating a room with friends but does the convo looks just like - hey here's 20 pics of how I decorated the room, the other person says well done and that's the end of convo because when I tried to continue on she goes offline. That's been the case before as well, as long as she can send pictures and have me admire her achievements it's fine but rarely it goes beyond that. So perhaps I'm crap socially because I never came across that kind of convo style with my other friends.

She might be competitive as well, but before criticising her for it you really need to take a look in the mirror.

So who do you think is winning right now? You have your own place but I'm assuming no partner or children? She has a bigger house than you but maybe marital problems and financial issues? Perhaps you are both level-pegging 🤔