A competitive friend suddenly cuts me off

[lola32]

I've got a childhood friend, literally I've known her since the age of 2 or so. Over the years we've developed a weird relationship. There were periods when we were really friendly, but I also confronted her in the past over her habitual lying to make herself look better (I mean things that were so clearly made up I was embarrassed for her.) She's always been hyper-competitive with me, inclusive of actually taking on hobbies and entirely changing her life plans to "out-do" me.

She deleted me off Facebook a few years back - never explained her reasons but I can only presume it was because at the time I was seeing an extremely good looking guy who also happened to be quite well off, and he liked posting loads of happy pictures of us. She was at the time married and "very happy" according to what she's been communicating via lengthy (and slightly cringeworthy) posts on Facebook.

Okay fast forward several years, she adds me back on Facebook and starts chatting, being super bitchy, other times extremely friendly but mostly constantly bragging and sending lots of pictures of her house, kids and emails / uni transcripts to "prove" how well she's doing in life.

I never really cared much about competing with her nor do I have a penchant for making myself look better or lying. I told her I've bought a small house by myself (smaller than hers but she bought with husband and at the time of crisis so effectively her house costed less than mine) she knows I completed my degree 10 years ago and got a first but I guess she feels she's doing a "better" qualification since it's more maths based. The last communications I got from her was some pictures of how she's single handedly re-painted her kids bedroom, so I congratulated her on being hands on resourceful (while privately thinking it was slightly weird for her to do this while her husband was "away with his mates" but okay.)

After this I've heard zero from her and she stopped replying to any forms of communication from me. I find myself scratching my head what the problem is this time? I have to say it feels a bit crap because it seems I was duped somehow - thinking that we could reinvigorate the friendly relationship we once had, to only be dragged into her "life olympics" and now dumped because... I don't know, she feels she won? Or she feels she lost?

We have some mutual friends and I've been told previously that her family has been close to breadline for years since he stopped working when her first child was born, plus (bitch alert, sorry) just looking at her and her family the clothes all look like stuff straight out of a charity shop. Please note I never comment on any of this to her and she's not aware that I know re her financial situation.

I guess I'm looking for opinions as to her sudden no contact and how to best deal with the situation. So far I've just been ignoring it but I have to say it annoys me and sometimes I feel like I should say something to her.

OP, regardless as to who is actually the competitive one here, this relationship is not healthy. Sometimes friendships run their course and it sounds like this one has. It doesn't matter why she's stopped responding, the fact is she has. Recognise that the friendship is over, block and move on. Don't let it be restarted. You seem to bring out the worst in each other.

Is that a genuine question Lola?

I said upthread that I didn't know if your posts now were serious or not - you have to understand that it's not always obvious in written communication - and that's something you should note given then written nature of some this communication with your friend.

If it was serious - as soon as you start trying to put me down with sarcasm (the mea culpa stuff, the oh I dared to express myself stuff) then it sounds like you think you're superior to me.

You say I should look beyond first impressions, when I pointed out that your second impressions - the follow posts - were giving the same impression to me.

You now want to call me patronising and superior - I don't know, it's almost like you're trying to... WIN?!

^ to be clear, that WIN comment is:

• 5 parts making a genuine joke because I think it's funny and I actually don't want to pick a fight with a random stranger online and I'd rather lighten the tone
• 4 parts serious because I think it is relevant to how some of us have taken your posts
• 1 part a bit mean of me, because I'm reacting negatively and defensively to being called patronising and superior

@Jellyheadbang Well are you relentlessly sending the pictures of your house to friends, inclusive of a link to zoopla with the house's valuation and stats? Because that's the kind of scenario I'm talking about.

Woah, OP. Every post is making you sound worse....

@Ellisandra I totally get things don't always come across as intended in written communication. I'm certainly overpowered on this thread and really, winning () here is just not going to happen for me. I'm sure you can see this the way the thread is going

I'm sorry if you felt in any way upset but what I said. Just because I can sound strong in delivery doesn't mean I don't take what you guys say to heart and consider, and also feel hurt at some comments.

In my justification, I also come from a household where my parents would one second have it out with each other and the next cuddle and make up - perhaps that's why I change my tone which can leave people baffled. I'm working on all of this.

Oh and btw the "I'm sorry you get that way" was actually a genuine "I'm sorry" message. Not trying to diminish this.

I'm not upset - just hackles up slightly defensively with a "don't you call me patronising"
(genuine )

Bottom line - as others have said - it's not a good friendship so let it die.

Lola, can I ask - what re you trying to figure out here?

I think it's becoming apparent that you my have been sending her what you thought were friendly and supportive messages but that they may have been received by her as patronising or competitive or rude.

The miscommunication thing must be an option as it's clearly happened on here too and you re now saying you recognise that you may not keys come across as you intend.

So what would be a helpful next step?

@Pagwatch Yes I guess the conclusion of this thread was reached 10 posts in, but I've enjoyed talking to you about it and perhaps that's why the thread has dragged on. Surprisingly, it made me actually feel empowered - as in, I'm not a victim here, and not just a receiving side of this but also I seem to contribute to the unhealthy dynamic, and perhaps even cause some of it, albeit not entirely consciously.

I might not immediately come across that way but it is helpful to me to see how my communications can come across, and I value everyone's input (though the cow and bitch comments a bit less, I have to admit )

I also feel better empowered to exit the relationship without feeling like I've been slighted in some way.

That all makes perfect sense. I can understand feeling better from realising it's the combination of personalities rather than one person being wrong and the other right

Good luck

I told her I've bought a small house by myself (smaller than hers but she bought with husband and at the time of crisis so effectively her house costed less than mine)

so I congratulated her on being hands on resourceful (while privately thinking it was slightly weird for her to do this while her husband was "away with his mates" but okay.)

plus (bitch alert, sorry) just looking at her and her family the clothes all look like stuff straight out of a charity shop

You are just as superior and judgemental as her but you don't have the self-awareness to see it.

I don't know. She feels she won? Or she feels she lost?

As you're similar to each other, there can't be a winner. You only have winners and losers in situation where one person is passive and lets the other one feel superior. You both feel superior to each other.

I have to say it feels a bit crap because it seems I was duped somehow - thinking that we could reinvigorate the friendly relationship

It wasn't really a friendship. Maybe you miss the competition?

lola32 no im not sending braggy pics of my house to anyone cos of the filth. If I could keep on top of the cleaniliness and tidiness factors I might then start sending pics to my childhood enemies

What makes me just so tired was the messages that seem hostile and are only intended to invoke appreciation and praise with little intend to actually have a normal chat. It's just done so heavy handedly, and the form these chats take seems like she's being very forceful.
Why do you even bother engaging then? Haven't you learnt anything?

I think you deserve each other.

This friendship ....It's like getting your head around a Tarantino movie....