A competitive friend suddenly cuts me off

[lola32]

I've got a childhood friend, literally I've known her since the age of 2 or so. Over the years we've developed a weird relationship. There were periods when we were really friendly, but I also confronted her in the past over her habitual lying to make herself look better (I mean things that were so clearly made up I was embarrassed for her.) She's always been hyper-competitive with me, inclusive of actually taking on hobbies and entirely changing her life plans to "out-do" me.

She deleted me off Facebook a few years back - never explained her reasons but I can only presume it was because at the time I was seeing an extremely good looking guy who also happened to be quite well off, and he liked posting loads of happy pictures of us. She was at the time married and "very happy" according to what she's been communicating via lengthy (and slightly cringeworthy) posts on Facebook.

Okay fast forward several years, she adds me back on Facebook and starts chatting, being super bitchy, other times extremely friendly but mostly constantly bragging and sending lots of pictures of her house, kids and emails / uni transcripts to "prove" how well she's doing in life.

I never really cared much about competing with her nor do I have a penchant for making myself look better or lying. I told her I've bought a small house by myself (smaller than hers but she bought with husband and at the time of crisis so effectively her house costed less than mine) she knows I completed my degree 10 years ago and got a first but I guess she feels she's doing a "better" qualification since it's more maths based. The last communications I got from her was some pictures of how she's single handedly re-painted her kids bedroom, so I congratulated her on being hands on resourceful (while privately thinking it was slightly weird for her to do this while her husband was "away with his mates" but okay.)

After this I've heard zero from her and she stopped replying to any forms of communication from me. I find myself scratching my head what the problem is this time? I have to say it feels a bit crap because it seems I was duped somehow - thinking that we could reinvigorate the friendly relationship we once had, to only be dragged into her "life olympics" and now dumped because... I don't know, she feels she won? Or she feels she lost?

We have some mutual friends and I've been told previously that her family has been close to breadline for years since he stopped working when her first child was born, plus (bitch alert, sorry) just looking at her and her family the clothes all look like stuff straight out of a charity shop. Please note I never comment on any of this to her and she's not aware that I know re her financial situation.

I guess I'm looking for opinions as to her sudden no contact and how to best deal with the situation. So far I've just been ignoring it but I have to say it annoys me and sometimes I feel like I should say something to her.

You both sound competitive and jealous of each other, the friendship sounds like hard work and toxic, why bother? Why not just move on and enjoy life.

Sleepfreezone I do find it fascinating how we all respond differently! Though given that many of the responses found the first post dustatesful is interesting.

I don't rule out that the OP might be lovely and her friend just an utter bitch

But even the OP saying "well I must care because I posted" had me thinking - well, maybe. Or maybe you posted because you wanted a place to throw out your bitchy charity clothes comment, and get a bit of ego stroking and validation that you've won the competition of "you're the lovely reasonable badly treated one, she's the mean competitive one".

Ellisandra

That's really interesting.
I think too we get into patterns of communication which grate.
I was very poor and then had a lot of money. When people said anything like 'I like your dress' I didn't know how to respond so always said something faintly defensive like 'oh thanks - it was in the sale' or 'oh, I got this for a party last year, I don't usually buy things like this'
My friend was a bit and said 'you do that all the time. It's just cringe because I'm just saying it's nice, you don't need to immediately think about the price of it. It's kind of patronising'

I think if the friendship matters you talk about it. I was being a dick and my friend told me gently. The tit for tat thing is a sign that the friendship was never strong enough.

@Ellisandra Haha yes the charity shop comment seems to be a winner on MN And of course it would be lovely to hear that I'm this enlightened, fabulous person and my frenemy is just a basic bitch - but I could tell that wasn't going to happen as quickly as I read back my post I came on here to really get some advice why I was dumped again. Being in the competitive mindset constructed by the unhealthy relationship dynamic I was actually expecting people to say "well hey, she thinks she's won at life and thus doesn't feel like associating with you."

All my mean comments about her on here were just what I think about what she presents vs what she say, with my being obviously annoyed at being the recipient of the boring bragging tirades. Perhaps these do come across unconsciously, but I think if you had a chance to read some of our convos you would see she's not some nice sweet wallflower. I remember one time specifically I said something about my child eating his first meal and she replied "yawn... I'm solving some algorithms now."

Pagwatch, I've a friend who does that! I wish she realised I was just complimenting her taste, her outfit. My friend always tells me what good value everything she buys is and I think but don't say, God, how joyless, to be so wealthy and still always looking for value above all else!

I can put together a good outfit and I have a good eye so even with far less money I don't feel disadvantaged, sartorially, so if I say to a much richer person 'that's nice!' I just mean 'that's nice'

Oh pagan, it still makes me feel embaressed.

I just had this huge ridiculous guilt about having money. I wasn't used to it and was trying so hard to not brag that I endlessly felt I needed to justify anything I bought.
I'd been brought up wearing hand me downs and getting clothes from jumble sales. I felt ridiculous and indulgent and half expected people to say 'you spent how much!'

Sorry for detail but: Pagwatch, I hear you on exactly that thing on the dress! I have never been able to take compliments, straight away putting down the compliment - exactly the "it was on sale" comments.

Made me smile because specifically on dresses, I used to wear a lot of really dull coloured clothes so that no-one would notice so I would have to do the awkward compliment dance.

Then in middle age I just thought - fuck this! I wore a strong, deep but not dark orange dress to work. The first person who said "I like your dress" I said "thank you! I love this colour".

It. Was. Liberating.

I bet if you 'friend' wrote her experience of your friendship down it'll be an interesting read. From your own posts I can see why she backs away from you.

Op, to answer your very specific question about why you were dumped again : because she excitedly sent you a load of photos of her decorating skills - which were surely not intended as a brag because what on earth is there to brag about - and you 'congratulated her on being hands on resourceful'.

Surely you can see, especially given your history, how the congratulatory tone sounds patronising and the resourceful reference sounds like a comment on her financial and/or marital status?

Most people would say 'wow looks fab, lucky ds' or similar.

You compete, it pours out of your words and actions, she's tired of it.

Ellisandra

Well done

OP, I can't tell if you're completely taking the piss now or not?

Did you really think that the response here was going to be: she think she's won?

Because if we come out of the rabbit hole of whether you're competitive and she's a basic bitch, everything in your OP screams that you were expecting the opposite: for us to say she's pissed off because YOU'VE won

What with her having a non working husband who fucks off to leave her to decorate, and by the way they're on the breadline with their (here it comes again !) charity shop clothes.

Your whole OP paints us the picture of why you are the winner.

You are the competative one.

Even with the house, you think your way was superior to her.

I think she has cut you off for her own sake and its the right decision.

Ellisandra

Neither can I

Interesting first post BTW

I'm not sure why you're so bothered? From your OP it's clear you don't particularly like her outside of turning everything she does into how you're so much better than her. You sound awful.

RainyApril

I totally agree with that. 'Resourceful' implies doing the best in adversity.
She did that lovely thing of decorating her child's bedroom. She's not knitting her own tampons

Go re-read your OP and find one thing you've said about her that is positive and not instantly undermined by you.

Her happy marriage - you describe as "very happy" complete with inverted commas.

The happy Facebook comments of hers you dismiss as cringeworthy.

The bigger house - ah, but cheaper than yours and anyway she bought with her husband and you bought on your own.

She's doing well at her course - but oh you got a first and she only thinks it's better because it's got maths in...

I could not find in your OP a single comment that shows why she might think she has "won".

So by saying that's the reason you were expecting us to give - you're either being disingenuous now, or you're hard of thinking with little self awareness. And I certainly don't think you're hard of thinking.

OP from the things you have written, I can see why your 'friend' doesn't want you in her life.

@Ellisandra Well I can see you made a decision that I'm certainly a Satan incarnate because I dared to express my annoyance on the forum.

Case in point for my previous first impressions argument directed at @WomanWithAltitude

My bad for writing a bitchy OP. I can't take it back - unless you can advice me how to delete a MN post. Mea culpa. I'll go and kneel down in the corner to repent for my sins now.

I stated, perhaps overly strongly, why I don't feel I should be seen as a loser. She's done things differently - she's set to achieve a similar or better lifestyle than mine through resourcefulness and determination. What's there to condemn? I just don't like the forceful manner she's imposing her achievements me. I've had my share of hard times and I'm happy with where I am. I don't want to dragged into this life olympics.

At the moment I'm better off, in my assessment, so it's not only misplaced but also hurtful that she feels that's the only plane to connect. I actually do admire her resourcefulness and the fact that many see it as a pissy comment doesn't necessarily pertain to my state of mind. I wish I could be more resourceful sometimes!

It doesn't sound like a healthy or enjoyable friendship, I would let it go.

You complain about her being competitive but your post comes across as very competitive:
"She has a supposedly happy marriage BUT I had a good looking, wealthy boyfriend"
"She has a bigger house BUT my house actually cost more"

'My bad'

Writing posts dripping with sarcasm now only makes it look like you feel yourself to be quite superior Lola - which kinda backs up that first impression (that I shared with quite a few others)

You said you liked opportunities for personal development. Let this 'friendship' go and use the time to work on your self awareness on how you are perceived by your written communication.

Lola

I hope you take a bit of time and ponder this. You're really pissy bout the whole thing and, as I said before, it really doesn't sound as if you like her very much.
Now you are posting sarcastically as a misunderstood victim where everyone on here is just being mean.

Your relationship with her clearly meant something to you. But that doesn't mean it was based in anything healthy. You are preoccupied with rating your life/achievements/happiness against hers and I think getting to the bottom of why might serve you better than blaming how your op sounded.

You have other friends, you don't need this friendship but figuring out why you enjoyed the oneupmanship thing with her could be useful.
You blame it on her but you clearly based your whole relationship around it.

Try not to shoot the messenger. Everyone on here saw the same things in your posts and your defensiveness and pissy comments now just confirm that you were looking to find a way to be right

@Ellisandra How is my comment superior? Im trying to make light out of the situation. I've been called a bitch and a cow on this thread so quite frankly I'm a bit tired of the heavy tone. Don't you think you are being patronising and superior? If I was to act superior I'd advise you to expand your assessment of people to go beyond first impressions.

All my clothes are from a charity shop and most of my kids' clothes are too.
We have a big beautiful house I can't afford but also can't get a mortgage in my own name because of my low income so am stuck here paying for it as i can't take exH' name of my current mortgage.
I have disabilities as well as working and looking after my kids so the house is filthy and messy due to my constant pain and fatigue.
I hope nobody is looking at my pics saying we look like skanks despite having a big house...