Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Says other woman is 'his kindred spirit'

60 replies

septemberfields · 22/08/2017 18:20

OH said to me after a lovely day out that 1 of his female friends (who he has known longer than myself) is his kindred spirit, though he says he does love me & this other woman is married. I've noticed they have chemistry together but was unsure as to what to do/say.

Feel a bit sad and unsure as to what to do now- ignore the comment or question the relationship between myself and him? I have only been with OH for 6 months.

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 22/08/2017 18:21

I'd tell him to get lost.
I don't say that lightly, if you stay with him your self esteem will be left in tatters.

Happytobefree17 · 22/08/2017 18:22

Woah. Is he saying that she is the one who got away? Got to be honest OP, I wouldn't like my OH describing another woman as his kindred spirit.

Mama234 · 22/08/2017 18:22

What? It would make me question the relationship too, Have they dated in the past?

Halfsack · 22/08/2017 18:23

Bin him. Tell him to go get his kindered spirit. I wouldn't like the idea of being second best.

SpiritedLondon · 22/08/2017 18:25

Wow! If that's not a signal to leave I don't know what is. What he's saying is if she was single he would be with her and not you - and that is the brutal truth. Can you live with that?

fuzzywuzzy · 22/08/2017 18:29

No way would I accept being second best in any relationship. He can go be kindred spirits together with his friend. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who has pretty much told you he isn't that into you?

Perfectly1mperfect · 22/08/2017 18:30

It's a strange thing to say to your partner. I would ask him exactly what he means by it. If I didn't like the answer, which I probably wouldn't as he's basically saying he has some amazing connection with another woman, then I would end my relationship with him.

MadisonMontgomery · 22/08/2017 18:31

Wait, what?! I would be telling him to fuck off to his 'kindred spirit'. What a shitty thing to say (and think!)

StarlightExpress5 · 22/08/2017 18:33

Completely unreasonable of him.

Mrscropley · 22/08/2017 18:34

So basically you are his second choice. .???
I hope you pack his bags tonight.

There would be no way back for me.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/08/2017 18:35

That is totally inappropriate. How would he feel if you say that. Unless he has np idea what it actually means.

SingingTunelessly · 22/08/2017 18:36

Well just fuck off then is probably the only response you need to give him. What an absolute tosspot.

northernlites · 22/08/2017 18:37

I'd be out of there, I don't want to be anyone's second choice.
I would be devastated to hear this, left with little self esteem and always trying to live up to someone I'm not Sad

Brahms3rdracket · 22/08/2017 18:39

I'm joining the tell him to do one gang. If she ends her marriage he'll drop you like a stone.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2017 18:40

He's trying to tell you it's over but he's too much of a coward to break it off himself. By saying what he did, he's hoping you will do it. I say grant his wish and move on.

troodiedoo · 22/08/2017 18:41

When someone tells you what they are like, listen!

CJCreggsGoldfish · 22/08/2017 18:42

You've been together 6 months right? Off he fucks. Seriously, you'll feel much better once he's gone.

Timefortea99 · 22/08/2017 18:43

Basically he is saying you are second choice. He is a charmless oik.

IAmcuriousyellow · 22/08/2017 18:44

I couldn't be doing with that. How cruel. I'm sorry you've had that said to you - I honestly don't think i could possibly see him as my one and only after a statement like that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/08/2017 18:44

I would give this person the boot as of now. You do not need him in your life, really you do not. You should not play second fiddle to this man and his kindred spirit woman who married someone else other than he.

BackInTheRoom · 22/08/2017 18:50

What Aquamarine said ^^

BackInTheRoom · 22/08/2017 18:52

And what Brahms said ^^

garmsfresh · 22/08/2017 18:56

That's such a shitty thing to say , what you even talking about for him to tell you that ?

missmollyhadadolly · 22/08/2017 18:56

What Aquamarine and Brahms said ^^

rosabug · 22/08/2017 19:05

That's cruel and quite a red flag. It's distancing. It also comes under the heading of 'negging' - saying vaguely dismissive things that undermine your confidence so the user has more power. Look him in the face and ask him calmly WHY he said it. If he just dissembles - say - "No - why did you say that to ME".

My ex partner, who had neglected me sexually for years, said to me just before a work trip to Brazil - "apparently there's more prostitutes per square mile in Rio than anywhere in the world". (smirks)

It hit me like an exocet missile. Later i sat him down and did the above. He just sadly said "I guess I was showing off". I had reflected his cruelty and nasty unconscious message back to him - and he saw it. Now that I write it down - so fuckin cruel.