Any Muslim women around to advise?

[insecureegg]

I have been dating a Muslim man unofficially but I'm worried now I am an OW and if I should break things off

Please be kind but truthful

He told me he was divorced. I've discovered that legally this isn't the case yet

He tells me he is divorced islamically and soon will be legally. They have dc

He says he won't ever go back but someone said he'll just be using me to try and marry so it's ok for them to get back together???

Can that happen? Obviously in practice anything is possible but in theory... does Islam allow him to marry and divorce so they can remarry???

Am I being a naive OW?

I'm not Muslim, but the religion allows more than one wife anyway.

I dated a Muslim guy many years ago.

When is he filing for divorce?

After my experience, I'd never have a relationship with a Muslim man again. I'm married now anyway, but if I wasn't, I wouldn't go there.

I just divorced a Muslim man.
He will have a certificate. Same as a legal one issued by the imam to say they are divorced.

I do believe he can remarry her if he's been married in between the divorce and new marriage.

Cynically (because this happened to me) does he have a visa or a right to remain here?
Assuming your in UK, and British yourself?

I have dated someone not a Muslim but someone from a vastly different culture and I would never go there again.

Not Muslim. iirc, Muslim divorce is as simple as saying "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you". If both agree it us easily reversed the first twice. The third time is more tricky.

I know lots of people who are separated but not divorced and go on to other relationships. If he is truely seperated, i dont think there us an issue. If he isn't separated, yes you are the OW, and this us possible.

No edit facility!!

I would never consider dating a Muslim man again. I would be wary of dating anyone from a different culture now really. Too many differences. Too many things that he wasn't upfront about.

Should I ask to see the certification of divorce?

He has no need for visa etc.

I get no ungenuine vibes however I am cautious. I would not have chosen to date a Muslim man and it's scary territory but I really do believe if genuine we are a fantastic match and it's happened. I have dated a man before from another culture and had a very bad experience which is why I'm insecure as I was deceived before

Not meeting his family as not meant to "date" is a red flag to me but I accept it may be necessary for now in his cultural expectations

He hasn't yet told some people they're divorced though I have also just found out (colleagues) another red flag... explained by not wanting to bring his personal life to work

I trust him but I also wonder if I'm being silly to do so...

Any divorced man who won't let you meet his family and hasn't told his colleagues he isn't divorced is highly likely to not be divorced, imo.

hasn't told his colleagues he is divorced, gah!

I'm very certain they don't live together

I agree with Lonny. Have you been to his home?

I haven't been no

How long have you been dating ?

I'm Muslim. After divorce the only way they can get remarried is if the woman marries another man and then gets divorced. They also must make try to make the marriage work.

Not long hence I don't know everything and haven't pushed to meet anyone or any surprise colleagues wouldn't know of me

"does Islam allow him to marry and divorce so they can remarry??? "

yes, the Prophet did it often.

I have a white friend (female, not Muslim) who is not yet divorced, not even certain she will divorce, but she is in the process of getting to the point of accepting that divorce is probably inevitable (husband moved out 6 months ago).

She is seeing Bloke2 in last few months, she met online. Trying to be totally honest with Bloke2 about how she's not yet emotionally settled, and she hasn't really initiated divorce proceedings, either.

I'm comparing my friend to your bloke. I think if Bloke2 can accept the ambiguities, take things one day at a time, then so could you. If you choose.

I understand the need to make sure you're not being played.
I would ask "when" did the Islamic divorce happen?
When did he move out, what contact does he have now?
Insist he be upfront about all points of contact with his stbxW.
What steps is he doing (evidence)? to make the divorce legal.
Keep posted on how those steps are proceeding.
Keep relationship low key until the legal evidence is unambiguous.
Understand that meeting his kids or friends might come much later... he's still changing identities.

Yes his head is all over the place. Why wouldn't it be? Just like my friend.

Regardless of his religion, he sounds like a no-hoper. I think you should cut your losses and try to find someone else.

OP have you considered the possibility that you may never be invited to meet his family, even if he does get a legal divorce?

What do you want from the relationship long term? Would you be willing to convert to Islam? Do you want marriage or children at all?

It's new. I have no idea what I want I'm still figuring everything out myself and going through my own divorce.

Hence I'm forgiving to the ambiguity and not pushing anything or really thinking too deeply when I can help it

The more I spend time though the more I will feel. I don't want to be hurt intentionally

Being Muslim makes little difference. Have you ever been to his house? Seen his kids? Spoken to his friends? How big is the age difference? How did you meet?

You can probably work out if you're the OW

I'm open to anything at this point. It's all new. I just don't want to be an OW unwittingly or hurt his ex if there's still hope for them. They have dc.

I feel like being a practicing Muslim makes a huge difference

It's one thing to end up kissing a "friend"

But he may have customs that he can't ignore - family not being willing to accept a girlfriend, seeing his divorce as as valid as a legal one, not dating without looking to marry, not being with an unbeliever etc

As you've pointed out all the possible pitfalls is it worth pursuing this? do you like him enough?

Yes I do but want to be sensible and not naive

Aaviiii is right. He can only re-marry his ex-wife if she has married and divorced someone else. (A genuine marriage, not a sham one).

I have a few good British born Muslim friends, all educated and with professional careers. All very similar to me in most aspects of their daily life - minus some religious practices, obviously.
However - divorce is really viewed differently in their social circles - among their parents especially.
One of my friends - she kicked her cheating (also) Muslim husband out - but her family for years blamed her for the divorce she instigated...
Took them all a while to come around.

She now started dating white men, and is quite careful with family introductions. But also feels like she is finally in control and will be making her own decision about who to be with.
Her Ex - was practically chosen for her by family, long time ago.

Anyway, I guess what I am saying - give it time. If you like each other and you get a good vibe - no need question it.
Cultural differences will be there - but if there are enough similarities otherwise - it shouldn't be an issue.
I also have a few friends in good mixed marriages.
And bad white/white marriages, too.

All combinations and permutations are possible.
Good luck