Any Muslim women around to advise?

[insecureegg]

I have been dating a Muslim man unofficially but I'm worried now I am an OW and if I should break things off

Please be kind but truthful

He told me he was divorced. I've discovered that legally this isn't the case yet

He tells me he is divorced islamically and soon will be legally. They have dc

He says he won't ever go back but someone said he'll just be using me to try and marry so it's ok for them to get back together???

Can that happen? Obviously in practice anything is possible but in theory... does Islam allow him to marry and divorce so they can remarry???

Am I being a naive OW?

I would definitely advise to stay away. Many muslim men claim to be divorced islamically or legally and ita often a joke to them. They just want to have their cake and eat it. You are most likely the other woman. Sorry op

Also, its very very tough to live as a family unless you become muslim too. So if you have no interest in becoming muslim avoid him even more. Imagine having kids and he wants to circumcise a boy or having a girl and as she gets older he doesn't want her to do x y z which you see nothing wrong with. Be very careful

I'm not silly... it's new and it's not like we're planning to get married at the moment etc. We're getting to know each other.

There's tons of rotten men in various cultures

Really just concerned with making sure I am not an unwitting OW to enable him to get back with ex who is mother of dc as was suggested to me tbh or that I was stopping them resolving things if it could be done since they have dc

Marriage and divorces are treated v carefully generally and in the SE Asian culture specifically.

I can imaging the barriers to him making full disclosure to family and work colleagues and how this may look to you. I'd say 'keep in the rleatuionship but expect/demand evidences of divorce or divorce proceedings being instigated'.

I think this 'I divorce thee' thing is a nonsense myth. It took one woman I know 2 years and repeated requests to a sharia council to be granted a divorce.

Also, what is the 'status' of this person who 'advised' you of his real intents?

Only 'status' is that he's a non practicing Muslim friend I happened to mention I liked this guy to

Thanks OP. So not much better informed than anyone else then?

Yes, given differing culture and faith, then it's best to be clear about stuff right from the off. Any children would be expected to be raised as muslims. He can marry Jew or Christian, on this understanding.

If he is a conservative muslim I'd cut off relationship irrespective of poss OW status. If he is more 'western' then it helps. You would need to spend a gazillion hours making things crystal clear. imho

No he doesn't need to get married again and divorce to go back to his first wife. His wife would, if they have already divorced 3 times, but not him. However, I wouldn't see a married man, whatever he says about Islamic divorce. In Islam, marriage is a legal contract, not a religious act, so it doesn't make sense to me to say he is divorced 'Islamically' if he hasn't even started a divorce procedure. If he is the right person for you, surely he can wait a bit and get his life in order first.

Is it beyond the realms of possibility to contact his wife to find out? That way you'll know for sure.

I feel like being a practicing Muslim makes a huge difference... he may have customs that he can't ignore

This. I dated a Muslim man years ago (I'm not Muslim myself) and he was the kindest, most genuine man I could imagine. Until I got a phone call from his fiancee telling me to stay away. It turned out he had an arranged marriage on the cards the whole time but didnt love her, loved me yada yada. Who knows what the truth really was but it was clear that he had immense pressure on him from his family / culture to follow a certain path, and despite all his assurances to me I think it would have been impossible to deviate from it.

Completely off the cards. She's understandably not thrilled about being divorced. Wouldn't dream of doing that unless we were serious... as far as I'm concerned we're simply dating

In order to divorce your wife under Islamic law all you have to do it utter a phrase, I can't remember the exact translation, something like I freeyou or something like that, four times. I would ask to see his divorce papers.

Legally I'm still married... the fact I'm divorcing is what makes me feel single enough to date.

Haven't lived with my husband in years etc. It's only legally we are married still and it's in progress

So I accepted he was in the same boat. Really just concerned with doubly checking I am not an OW

Asi Said this divorce merely by declaration isn't something authentic. My friend went two years of hell trying to get rid of her violent husband.

I found this on a law site. Might be worth checking out:

You will be required to undergo the usual civil divorce proceedings that are valid under English law in order for a divorce to be recognised in the UK. So, having a sharia divorce, or Talaq, in the UK, is not sufficient for your divorce to officially valid in the eyes of the British state.

I'm Muslim.

Muslim men can take up to four wives according to religion.

He could be divorced religiously. As a religious divorce is simply stating he has divorced his wife and after three months separated they are divorced religiously. They can reconcile within those three months and they can have a religious marriage again after the three months and be remarried religiously. So it's not an irrevocable permanent divorce.

However, why on earth would you want to date a man who is legally married and taking no steps to legally get divorced?

Run woman, run for the hills. This will not end well!

Personally, I would stop seeing him before you get in any deeper.

None of us know whether you're an unwitting OW or being used...and I know that's what you feel you want sorted out now. But tbh you are being very shortsighted. Unless you are prepared to convert there is no point in getting into a relationship with this man & even if you are, you'll probably never be accepted by his family etc. Why on earth would you put yourself in the situation?

He is legally divorcing. He is not yet legally divorced.

I took it as I am divorced (legally) I misunderstood. He is separated longer than 3 months and in his words "divorced" in Islam

I would not have chosen to date a Muslim man and it's scary territory

That is what you chose, in fact

Why is it scary?

Haha yes I know... but not on purpose. I happen to like him. Have developed feelings in a friendship

Scary in that I don't know how much distance there is. What he wants. What's expected. What isn't expected. And what I am willing to do or not do

Basically, he has a whole divorce process to go to to be "free" and his has two parts to it; religious and civil.

If you look at it like that, It's not really any different from any divorce situation, regardless of religion or culture.

You just need to be sure that the whole thing is properly underway.

Scary in that I don't know how much distance there is. What he wants. What's expected. What isn't expected. And what I am willing to do or not do

There does sometimes seem to be a thing where young men from religious families or communities go much further than the young women in having two personas.

Talk to him. Then keep an eye open.

I don't understand why you would want to bring this drama into your life. There are huge red flags everywhere, and it's blatantly obvious he is a lying fuckwit. Add all that to the totally incompatible cultural differences and this whole situation is a recipe for misery and disaster.

@Aquamarine1029 sorry but where and why is he obviously a lying fuckwit?

Can he not simply be a man who has different cultural expectations?