Really Need Your Help Ladies Please!

[Pete65]

My wife and I have been married for 23 years and have been together for 30. Two grown up kids and two grandsons we idolise. I love my wife very much and I believe her when she says she feels the same. I've had a problem with our relationship for around 10 years now though, in that my wife never plans or initiates anything. Holidays, social events, movie nights, date nights, romance, anything you might consider normal relationship stuff. She's more than happy to take part in anything I plan or initiate and is never obstructive for any of the things I suggest we do but if I don't make plans then we just end up doing nothing.

I have a real problem with this and it has caused us many issues over the years and is getting worse. The problem is all mine however as she seems happy pottering, watching her telly and getting on with her own life and isn't really bothered whether we do stuff together or not, as long as we're 'together'.

When I challenge her, I try to explain my logic, which is that it seems to me she isn't bothered whether we do stuff or not and it makes me feel unwanted and not really needed. My logic is that if you want to do something, you'll make it happen. If you don't try to make it happen then it doesn't bother you whether you do it or not. Her argument is that surely it doesn't matter which one of us organises these things, as long as we do them and enjoy it but my view is that I want to be with someone who makes me feel like they want to be with me and do things with me.

These issue raise their head mainly at very sociable times of year, summer / xmas and it's getting worse. I've suggested counselling, which hasn't gone down at all well. I really want to be with her and spend the rest of my life with her but we have to address this issue and part of that is working out for myself whether I'm realistic to expect this from her or whether I just have to reeducate myself into realising it doesn't matter who the initiator is as she says.

I've probably rambled without making much too much sense but I'm desperate for advice. Anything anyone can add to help me out will be very much appreciated.

Px

Might you have at some point even many years ago come across as judgemental or dismissive of something she has done even unintentionally ? Ya think???????????

Hi Hadron

Hi Didiplanthis - thank you so much for that. Is it possible I've just completely underestimated how a low level of confidence could manifest itself in this way? I'm quite a confident person, not much phases me and I'm happy to take on any task. My wife isn't confident and will avoid 'testing' situations. Have I just completely missed the fact that it could be this all this time? She's never explained it that way but just seems so obvious now you've said it. Of course it's more than possible I've been judgemental or even criticised her. It's been 30 years after all. I'd being lying if I suggested otherwise.

I think I may be like your wife Pete, only much stroppier. I am an introvert who has become much more so with age. I'm happy to potter and do my own thing, while DH is is very out going and enjoys socialising in connection with his various hobbies, he wouldn't attempt to organise me though, I'm not as good natured as your wife. We love each other and allow each other our differences, we each have our own strengths.

Sorry Pete, but no matter how many times I reread your OP I still can't work out what you've got to complain about. You get to do as you please with a willing companion, who also manages your home with little input from you. You've got it made love.

If you want someone else, if she's not enough for you, fair enough. You say you don't, so..........

I'm saying it is a total NON "problem". There is nothing to address here. YABU and probably deeply irritating your wife.

You're back onalongsa! I'm thinking we might have a 'thing' going here!

Oh Golfin, it was going so well between us and then you had to go get all assuming just like Elli! You see seven years ago we had our first grandson. Our daughter wanted to return to work soon after but that would have been difficult without support. We had a family 'conference' and my wife suggested she give up work to look after our grandson and housekeep. Her suggestion, nobody else's. We could achieve this but it effectively meant me adding 15 hours to my working week in order to afford it. This 'arrangement' has afforded my wife the opportunity to spend an amazing amount of quality time with not one but both our grandsons. It also allowed my daughter to return to work and achieve her career goals. So you may well be right that I've not done my share of 'wifework' but I'll tell you this for nothin,. I've worked my fucking nuts off for the past seven years to achieve this for the four of them. However, the children are now at school, our lives have changed again and I have an issue I'm seeking advice on how to rectify. I will take on board your comments though. Pete

We could achieve this but it effectively meant me adding 15 hours to my working week in order to afford it

I thought you said the business was doing so well she could afford to give up work? Do you gaslight her /change your story often?

So she gives up work, and yet simultaneously carries on working in a childcare capacity, and you become the hero for letting her do it. And she still has to do all the wifework on top of childcare?

Still, bonus is, you are out the house an extra 15 hours a week.

Your resentment of those decisions is palpable, Pete love.

Oh hey girls, you're still with us? I'm thinking we should like get some ice cream and some chocolates, maybe a bottle of prosecco and settle in for what could be a long night? Are you like, cookie dough or like chocolate minty?

No girls on here Pete. What you have encountered are women. HTH.

Ask me at half time honey, I don't want to interrupt your football.

I was being quite pleasant, not sure how I've rattled your cage so much Pete, perhaps you want us to run your wife down a bit more.

She's beginning to achieve a saintly glow in my eyes having to put up with you. Add to that she looks after 2 children, she's hardly sitting on her backside.

"Afforded her the opportunity to spend an amazing amount of quality time with your 2 grandchildren" You mean she's a full time childminder. Earlier you said you earn enough money to allow her not to work.

Tell her to post on here, she would get some great advice.

If you are still not getting it, and if you haven't spent the evening doing housework and begging her forgiveness, let me spell it out.

She is too fucking knackered to arrange holidays and days out as she works full time and does all the wife work. If only you had been straight from the outset, you could have saved us from, as usual, being expected to do all the groundwork to diagnose the problem.

How many more times do we need men on here, asking for lady opinions, when it is always the same fucking issue. Pull your fucking weight at home if you want a happy fucking relationship.

≠rocket science

Come on Golfin, I know for a fact that of all those present today that you're better than this! ""Afforded her the opportunity to spend an amazing amount of quality time with your 2 grandchildren" You mean she's a full time childminder. Earlier you said you earn enough money to allow her not to work." You know that "afforded" means " earning enough money". I don't think I'm going to share my ice cream with you now or the chocolates. I'm saving those for Elli and Alt. You can have some Prosecco but not too much if it makes you aggressive. Nobody likes an aggressive drinker Golfin! You can get help for that you know.

That's it Alt! I've had enough now Only Elli is getting ice cream, you're getting nothing!. She can have Prosecco too because unlike Golfin, she's not an aggressive drunk. Golfin can have some Prosseco as long as she doesn't share it with you though. That's unlikely though coz between you and me, she does like a drink.

You seem to have an unhealthy obsession around girls and ice cream. I am thinking more and more that you really need to stop leaving the house as your boundaries are truly fucked. Your wife is a very canny woman who still needs to leave you before she wastes the rest of her days with you.

Have you considered acting your age one day?

Someone on here likes a drink, but I don't think it's the girlies.

I hope you're drunk Pete, I would hate to think you're sober.

I think that is him flirting. Imagine...65 yr old man typing that one handed whilst his long suffering wife is busy tidying the house. Tragic.

Well that's the end of the Prosecco for you Golfin. You had to ho and spoil it didn't you?! You never did know when to just leave it!

Alt, she won't leave me because I buy her her favourite ice cream weekly. I let her eat it as a treat when she's finished her chores.

Well that's me done. Genuinely, thanks ladies. I've learnt a lot tonight and feel better placed to move toward resolving this issue. I have a right bloody hankering for ice cream though!! It'll pass. Night Hadron. Sleep well ;)

Night Pete.

Night Golfin and thanks

I hope you slept well pete, most hilarious thread I've read in a while. Hope you took the advice on board though!