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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really Need Your Help Ladies Please!

99 replies

Pete65 · 20/08/2017 08:07

My wife and I have been married for 23 years and have been together for 30. Two grown up kids and two grandsons we idolise. I love my wife very much and I believe her when she says she feels the same. I've had a problem with our relationship for around 10 years now though, in that my wife never plans or initiates anything. Holidays, social events, movie nights, date nights, romance, anything you might consider normal relationship stuff. She's more than happy to take part in anything I plan or initiate and is never obstructive for any of the things I suggest we do but if I don't make plans then we just end up doing nothing.

I have a real problem with this and it has caused us many issues over the years and is getting worse. The problem is all mine however as she seems happy pottering, watching her telly and getting on with her own life and isn't really bothered whether we do stuff together or not, as long as we're 'together'.

When I challenge her, I try to explain my logic, which is that it seems to me she isn't bothered whether we do stuff or not and it makes me feel unwanted and not really needed. My logic is that if you want to do something, you'll make it happen. If you don't try to make it happen then it doesn't bother you whether you do it or not. Her argument is that surely it doesn't matter which one of us organises these things, as long as we do them and enjoy it but my view is that I want to be with someone who makes me feel like they want to be with me and do things with me.

These issue raise their head mainly at very sociable times of year, summer / xmas and it's getting worse. I've suggested counselling, which hasn't gone down at all well. I really want to be with her and spend the rest of my life with her but we have to address this issue and part of that is working out for myself whether I'm realistic to expect this from her or whether I just have to reeducate myself into realising it doesn't matter who the initiator is as she says.

I've probably rambled without making much too much sense but I'm desperate for advice. Anything anyone can add to help me out will be very much appreciated.

OP posts:

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 20/08/2017 13:27

I'm getting a very PA vibe from you OP.

Original poster

Pete65 · 20/08/2017 13:30

Hi Fluffy. Sorry but I'm new to this. PA?

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 20/08/2017 13:43

I'm sorry you feel the need to be so hostile but thanks for your explanation. Have a good day.

Are you not aware of 'wifework'? Perhaps you need to educate yoursel?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 20/08/2017 13:51

Passive aggressive OP.

QuiteLikely5 · 20/08/2017 13:55

You seriously cannot tell me you would throw away your marriage over this - a few nights out!

You clearly complement each other and play to each other's strengths. Why it's an issue I do not know.

I'm thinking that actually there is a deeper issue and you are indeed bored in your marriage and are looking for a valid reason to escape.

This organising issue really isn't good enough given you said every thing else is good.

The grass is greener where you water it.

Don't try to change people - it never works!

Original poster

Pete65 · 20/08/2017 14:04

Hi AlternativeTentacle. I appreciate you have a perspective on this but I'm not sure what it is I said that has made you feel the need to be so aggressive. However, I will take your concerns on board and see how best to use that to improve things at home.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pete65 · 20/08/2017 14:08

Thanks Fluffy. Can I ask what it is about me in this thread that has made you say that, how it maybe impacting on this issue and what I can do to change it? Genuine questions

OP posts:

agirlcalledmove · 20/08/2017 14:08

Hi Pete....
I think sometimes the burden of organising food, domestic bills, washing, cleaning and other "traditionally female" jobs for the family takes a lot out of one person in a partnership. It may be that this is what your wife spends her organisational energy on (I don't know...I am just speculating) and alongside her contentment at just being around you she does not have additional motivation to organise the fun that you crave.

I second the idea of looking at the 5 love languages www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ this will help you to understand how both of you show you care for one-another and how you perceive being cared for. It's surprising how obvious it is once you understand but certainly lots of relationships have significant issues because we don't "get" why someone isn't more like us.

Hope that's helpful, but in the end you can't change someone else we can only change ourselves.

Original poster

Pete65 · 20/08/2017 14:15

Hi Quitelikely. I've tried really hard over the years to work out if this about either me or something else in the relationship and I posted this mainly to help me work that out. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this so have turned to this forum for advice. I guess the feedback I get here will help me work out if my issue is valid or whether it's actually about something deeper as you say. Thanks for your input.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pete65 · 20/08/2017 14:23

Hi agirlcalledmove. Thanks so much for your constructive input. There's definitely a pattern developing that suggests I need to consider my contribution to the home. I do work long hours and work very hard, as do many I know. I also then work hard outside that to keep the house and garden in an order that my wife enjoys and appreciates. I will talk to her though about anything I can do to help her out. Thanks again.

OP posts:

onalongsabbatical · 20/08/2017 14:33

Hi Pete - just a suggestion to add in here. If you experience AlternativeTentacle's refreshingly honest and helpful contributions as aggressive, I think you might have a problem with women who display ordinary assertiveness. If that's the case, that might go quite a long way towards explaining your wife's passivity - it works for you both. You can't have it both ways, if you want a partner to be able to take initiative, you might find that you then have someone who likes to disagree with you from time to time and have different opinions on things. The boat'll rock.
Your call.

agirlcalledmove · 20/08/2017 14:36

it's not a competition as to who works harder...just each one's capacity and energy levels.

for example paid work may give tangeable obvious status and reward, housework may feel like drudgery OR paid work may be draining and depressing whereas cooking may feel creative and joyous each night....depending on who you are and what you do you may have more or less energy available.

I really recommend the love languages link....it's not "fluffy stuff" it's how we communicate and feel appreciated in our close relationships which is exactly what you are reaching out for support with.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 14:45

@Pete65
Please just ignore the less than helpful comments. There are a few manhaters, who will always criticise anything and everything if a man posts here.

Ignore them. It's not worth your time.

agirlcalledmove · 20/08/2017 14:54

???????Sandy?????????
I think people are genuinely trying to help
Surely the point of Pete asking a group of (mostly) women suggests he wants a variety of perspectives. I am sure he will ignore any of us he finds unhelpful.

AlternativeTentacle · 20/08/2017 15:27

Hi AlternativeTentacle. I appreciate you have a perspective on this but I'm not sure what it is I said that has made you feel the need to be so aggressive.

That is not aggressive, that is pointing out the obvious. The default 'I do the gardening and DIY' is always a complete rubbish excuse, as you don't have to do either gardening or DIY 3 times a day nor is it essential daily or weekly task to keeping a family wed, watered and clean. If you add up all the tasks that keep a house in full flowing action, you find that for every lawn mown by the 'man' the 'woman' has done 21 meals, washed up 21 meals worth of pots, cleaned the house several times, taken the bins out, washed, dried , ironed and put away 4-7 loads of clothes, hoovered and washed the floors, cleaned windows, been shopping 3-4 times, and that's just the basics. But it's ok, I mowed the lawn?

Even if your wife doesn't work, she is not the maid. And she probably thinks that if she is doing everything at home, too right you should do some organising at some point. She is probably quite happy enjoying the time she spends once all the housework is done, so that she can actually enjoy being in the house she has cleaned.

thanks for your explanation. Have a good day...However, I will take your concerns on board and see how best to use that to improve things at home.

Your two responses to me are showing a very 'shut down' approach to women. If you are like this with your wife, it is no wonder she can't be arsed. Do you often say 'thank you have a good day/I will take your concerns on board' to her? These are the words of someone who does not want to engage any more and are more telling about your attitude than anything else you have posted.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 18:18

@agirlcalledmove,

I just agree with the OP about a couple of the responses being unnecessarily agressive and having something of an undertone, hence I said to ignore it. Expressing one's opinion is a fine. Aggression is not necessary.

Original poster

Pete65 · 20/08/2017 18:26

Thanks Sandy. I really was hoping for different perspectives and I know how Internet forums work. I'm here because I want to fix this, not run away from it. Perhaps some have missed that.

Hi Alternative, thanks once again for your comments. I'm sorry you feel that way and I'm sorry you have so much anger within you, I genuinely am. I wish I could help you through this. I'm not trying to shut you down, I just came here for advice, not for a row. I can see that engaging you on this subject would take far more time than I have today as the grass needs cutting, the dog needs walking and I must catch the football later. I do genuinely appreciate your feedback however and will genuinely take your points on board. Thanks again and have a nice evening.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 20/08/2017 18:44

"Sorry you feel that way and have so much anger in you?"

Bloody hell, if that's how you would respond to your wife, I can see why she's passive.

I think Tentacle is making a really interesting and useful point for you to consider. And maybe it's not relevant to you, fair enough. But it's a good insight. And you shut her down, then accused her of being angry.

Ellisandra · 20/08/2017 18:46

As for you saying that you genuinely appreciate her feedback, yet in the same post make your sarcastic comments about catching the football...

You're not coming across very well.

Original poster

Pete65 · 20/08/2017 18:53

Hi Ellie I suspect that for some, it matters little what I say or how I respond beyond my opening post. With the utmost respect, I'll not thank you for your input or wish you a good evening for fear of the consequences. Pete

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 20/08/2017 18:54

FWIW, I ended things with my last boyfriend very early on because his utter passivity was driving me crackers... and I'm old enough now to know that:

you can't change people
I won't be happy long term doing everything, even if it's OK getting my way and naturally enjoying organising things in the short term.

My fiancé is a great fit for me. If I'm saying "what do think of this campsite?" he's saying "oh there's a great pub near there we could go to!" We are very balanced, and it's lovely. As I say, I'm older now so I know this kind of balance is a real priority for me.

So I'm sympathetic to your feelings.
But still think you come across badly being dismissive and sarcastic to someone giving you some useful food for thought.

If your wife is making a lot of the wifework decisions, she may be decisioned out. Even just recognising the decisions and lead that she does take, may reduce your resentment.

For example (and this really is true for some couples I know) she might have made the decision on what you've eaten in the evening for 5 of 7 nights a week for 30 years! And that's fine, you may both be happy with that. But if you can recognise that (or whatever decisions / lead taking is relevant for your relationship) then your resentment might reduce.

She never organises holidays. But I'm thinking she might have organised World Flipping Book Day costumes for your kids for 6 years?!

Ellisandra · 20/08/2017 18:55

"for fear of the consequences"

You really are showing yourself up as quite an idiot.

AlternativeTentacle · 20/08/2017 18:57

Hi Alternative, thanks once again for your comments. I'm sorry you feel that way and I'm sorry you have so much anger within you, I genuinely am. I wish I could help you through this

No anger in me...I mean it is an interesting approach to accuse anyone who points out your issues as being angry and again, says more about you than any points I can make.

And give the 'good day to you, I am far too busy' a rest eh? I've cut my lawn, made a roast dinner, planted a tree and prepared a load of firewood for then winter, doesn't make me billy big bollocks so less of the willy wanging. Nobody cares.

wiltingfast · 20/08/2017 19:14

I think you are being v unreasonable op

People are who they are. They do not change. After 30y or so I think you should accept your respective roles and lay off the complaining about who arranges your social life.

Secondly

" my view is that I want to be with someone who makes me feel like they want to be with me and do things with me. "

You flipping are. She IS with you and she actually DOES stuff with you!!!

Daftest complaint I've read in awhile tbh.

Original poster

Pete65 · 20/08/2017 19:16

Hi Alternative. I'm glad you no longer have anger within you and that I was able to help you work through it this afternoon. It certainly is an unexpected but pleasant outcome of this thread.

Hi Ellie. You see you've made quite a few assumptions based on just our chat today. You have no idea how our thirty years have gone. With the greatest respect to you once again but this time also to your ex and your fiancé, my wife and I have, as I say, been together for 30 years. We must have been doing something right you'd imagine. I'm simply here to fix me/us so we can try to make it another 30. Pete

OP posts:

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