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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really Need Your Help Ladies Please!

99 replies

Pete65 · 20/08/2017 08:07

My wife and I have been married for 23 years and have been together for 30. Two grown up kids and two grandsons we idolise. I love my wife very much and I believe her when she says she feels the same. I've had a problem with our relationship for around 10 years now though, in that my wife never plans or initiates anything. Holidays, social events, movie nights, date nights, romance, anything you might consider normal relationship stuff. She's more than happy to take part in anything I plan or initiate and is never obstructive for any of the things I suggest we do but if I don't make plans then we just end up doing nothing.

I have a real problem with this and it has caused us many issues over the years and is getting worse. The problem is all mine however as she seems happy pottering, watching her telly and getting on with her own life and isn't really bothered whether we do stuff together or not, as long as we're 'together'.

When I challenge her, I try to explain my logic, which is that it seems to me she isn't bothered whether we do stuff or not and it makes me feel unwanted and not really needed. My logic is that if you want to do something, you'll make it happen. If you don't try to make it happen then it doesn't bother you whether you do it or not. Her argument is that surely it doesn't matter which one of us organises these things, as long as we do them and enjoy it but my view is that I want to be with someone who makes me feel like they want to be with me and do things with me.

These issue raise their head mainly at very sociable times of year, summer / xmas and it's getting worse. I've suggested counselling, which hasn't gone down at all well. I really want to be with her and spend the rest of my life with her but we have to address this issue and part of that is working out for myself whether I'm realistic to expect this from her or whether I just have to reeducate myself into realising it doesn't matter who the initiator is as she says.

I've probably rambled without making much too much sense but I'm desperate for advice. Anything anyone can add to help me out will be very much appreciated.

Px

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 20/08/2017 19:20

Hi Alternative. I'm glad you no longer have anger within you and that I was able to help you work through it this afternoon. It certainly is an unexpected but pleasant outcome of this thread

I think you are overestimating your abilities here...again do you do this at home? I can see why the wife doesn't plan to go out with you to be honest, best keep you indoors where you can't embarrass her.

Original poster
Pete65 · 20/08/2017 19:20

Hi Wilting. Thanks for your comments. Genuinely genuine question. Are you suggesting it is far better to put up with a situation than to try to address it? Is it not better that I come on here, get many varying opinions, learn from them and attempt to rectify a situation that can only benefit both of us?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pete65 · 20/08/2017 19:22

Oh bugger Alternative! I really thought we were making progress then Sad

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 20/08/2017 19:24

Hi Pete - yes, certainly better that you learn from them. Shame you seem so unwilling to listen to anything challenging, though. Hard to see what you'll learn with that attitude.
I can't remember the last time a poster came across as quite so smug and patronising, TBH.

onalongsabbatical · 20/08/2017 19:25

In fact, seeing your last couple of comments to Alternative, I think you're deliberately setting out to wind us up.

Ellisandra · 20/08/2017 19:31

I don't think you understand what the word "might" means do you Pete?
And the difference between making assumptions and giving examples to illustrate a point.

Here's an assumption for you though: from your responses (not the first post) I'm assuming that your wife isn't happily married.

Original poster
Pete65 · 20/08/2017 19:40

Onalongsa, are you trying to chat me up? [embarrassed emoji]

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 20/08/2017 19:42

Pete, you are really embarrassing yourself now. Don't you have some football to go and watch?

ItsInTheDogsMouth · 20/08/2017 19:46

I wonder what your wife was like when you first met her...i wonder if she used to try and organise things and you just shut her down if it didn't suit you, ( as you have attempted on this thread). If i was your wife, based on your responses on this thread, I wouldn't put myself out to organise anything with or for you.

onalongsabbatical · 20/08/2017 19:46

Pete, hmm, how can I put this?
Fuck off.

Original poster
Pete65 · 20/08/2017 19:49

Onalongsa, it's fair to say I may have misinterpreted your intentions. My apologies. Pete

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 20/08/2017 19:57

And you can't see why this type of behaviour shows just why your wife does not want to arrange any trips out of the house? Do you do this to her friends if they just talk to you? 'Misinterpreted intentions' bollocks...good grief. I am cringing for you.

If your wife reads this, it isn't you love, it is him. Get out now whilst you still have some good years in you. Not all men are like this!

Original poster
Pete65 · 20/08/2017 20:00

But you'd crucify me if I called her 'love' Alternative! Have some bloody respect for the woman please!!

OP posts:
golfin · 20/08/2017 20:02

Pete65, does your wife work?

onalongsabbatical · 20/08/2017 20:02

@AlternativeTentacle he's taking the piss and winding us up, surely?
Join me in a Gin and don't rise to it. I've just poured one - cheers!
As for Pete's wife - please, LTB! Ah - that's better!

AlternativeTentacle · 20/08/2017 20:04

I doubt 'Pete' even has a wife...in reality. It is the school holidays after all.

AlternativeTentacle · 20/08/2017 20:05

@AlternativeTentacle he's taking the piss and winding us up, surely?

Are you flirting with me Onalong?

Original poster
Pete65 · 20/08/2017 20:09

Hi Golfin. She doesn't. I'm very proud of the fact that we managed to get our business to s point where we could afford for her to stop work seven years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pete65 · 20/08/2017 20:11

Just to add Golfin, I say 'we' because although she never worked in the business, I could never have got it where it is today without her help behind me.

OP posts:
shivermytimbers · 20/08/2017 20:16

Hi people who are not the OP.
Just reading through the thread and Pete is coming across as extremely irritating and put headed. But... I thought I'd just chip in and thank posters who have commented on the demands of "wife work". It's something that I've struggled to articulate when discussing distribution of work at home with DH but your comments have provided some clarity for me.
Thanks all Grin

shivermytimbers · 20/08/2017 20:16

Pig headed - not put headed! 🐖

golfin · 20/08/2017 20:21

Can I just say Pete, I think you should celebrate your wife's good points, and stop trying to change her. The good things about her have served your marriage well. She sounds calming and lovely, her support has helped you get where you are.

Perhaps there are certain things about you she would change, but she's the more loyal one in this marriage.

Are you sure you're not doing the old grass is greener thing?

Original poster
Pete65 · 20/08/2017 20:39

Golfin, you're absolutely right. She has exactly the qualities you mention. Her support has indeed helped us to get where we are today. I've had this issue for sometime and have spent most of that time looking for her to meet me some of the way in resolving this. However, I'm here today because recently I've finally started to look at myself to try to learn if I'm being reasonable and if not, what I can learn that will resolve this issue for us. Regards the grass being greener, I maybe wrong but I really don't think it's that. I cannot imagine a future without her but I've been in a place where I imagined resolving this issue would make our life together just that it better.

OP posts:
Didiplanthis · 20/08/2017 20:56

Hi. Just leaving aside the issues raised above, my OH tends to initiate and plan most holidays. I suffer from anxiety which I manage on a day to day basis. I have a high pressure high responsibility job and most people who know me would not guess how anxious I get about 'trivial' stuff. If I book stuff or initiate things I worry about it being wrong, the other person not enjoying it. I find it easier to coast and go with my OH ideas. I will contribute and offer opinions but am paralysed by actually doing it. We don't have much of a social life which I think suits both of us. Might you have at some point even many years ago come across as judgemental or dismissive of something she has done even unintentionally ? I know my OH has as I am sure I have but the affects on me are more profound than the effects on him. Not judging you at all but just trying to offer an explanation from the other side.

HadronCollider · 20/08/2017 20:59

This thread is hilarious. Keep it up OP. I could do with some late night entertainment.