Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I can't help hating her

63 replies

WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 19:55

In the first three months after meeting my boyfriend, we broke up for a week then got back together again and have been together ever since.

During that week he slept with a female friend he's known since childhood.

They are still friends and as she's a family friend sometimes she is at gatherings etc.

I hate her. I know I'm probably being unreasonable but I really hate her. I am polite to her but that's as far as it goes.

He doesn't see her often at all. And I'm not asking him not to be friends with her but I don't want anything to do with her.

Am I overreacting and should I try and be friendly for the sake of my boyfriend? His family are very fond of her. She asked him never to tell them they shagged and I can sort of understand that. But it pisses me off that she's going to be around forever.

Can our relationship survive this do you think?

I love him very much and I believe him when he says it was a mistake never to be repeated.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 18/08/2017 19:58

Your hating the wrong person here she slept with someone single. It doesn't say a lot for your bf however to jump into bed with someone so quick.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 18/08/2017 19:59

Have you posted about this before?

Mrscropley · 18/08/2017 19:59

Look at things from her side - she has to see you - the woman he went back to instead of having a proper relationship with her!
You should be smug and gloating not mad and insecure!

crazycatgal · 18/08/2017 20:00

I think it's so hard for you because he slept with a friend who is always going to be around him rather than a stranger. You need to ask yourself whether you're going to be able to get over this and stop hating her. If you can't get over it then these feelings will destroy your relationship.

MegFlyAway · 18/08/2017 20:01

OK so it's never nice to have to see someone your partner has slept with previously. However, he's sleeping with you now. She's in the past and what's done is done. If he wanted to be with her he wouldn't have gotten back together with you would he?
The fact she doesn't want people knowing also shows it was a one off thing for her. If she was telling everyone about it, yes that would be weird, but she's not.
However, if you're forever going to hold it against him and let it bother you, you might want to reassess whether you wish to stay in the relationship. Or, you can move from it and let it stay in the past.

Original poster

WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 20:02

I understand what you are saying Underthemoonlight and believe me he knows exactly how upset I was with him. He moved heaven and earth for another chance and we have been happy ever since.

Yes he was technically single but she knew I was around and how important the relationship was to both of us. We were "on a break" because we needed the space to figure a few things out.

OP posts:

Original poster

WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 20:02

Schnitzel, no I've never posted about this before

OP posts:

Mom2K · 18/08/2017 20:04

I agree with pp. I can understand why your feelings are directed at her, feeling that jealousy I think is normal, but the feelings really are misdirected. She didn't do anything wrong. He's the one who so quickly jumped into bed with someone following your breakup. And while that feels like an affront to you (I would be annoyed by this too), he did not cheat on you. He was single. So it's up to you whether you can get past that or not, but it's nothing to do with this woman.

lookatyourwatchnow · 18/08/2017 20:04

I would feel the same as you, OP, even though it's a bit irrational

BubbleBed · 18/08/2017 20:06

You were on a break to sort things out only three months in? Totally undeserved hating of her, she was a rebound after what was a very short "relationship"" at the time, and possibly quite hurt by it. How long have you been together now?

TumbleBee · 18/08/2017 20:07

when you say 'ever since', how long is that? Three months, a year, ten years?

Ellisandra · 18/08/2017 20:07

Well, not having sex on this "break" wasn't important to him so how is she supposed to know it was an important relationship to you?

I met a guy and had a ONS. Stayed in touch due to the friend of a friend I met him through. Turns out he was on a very recent break up, and went back to her a month later. She was pregnant a month after that. We all stayed loosely connected. Her daughter called me mummy on a group day out by accident once. Everyone laughed and her mum jabbed her (by this point husband) in the ribs and cackled at him blushing when she said "well that was nearly true, stud". And we all laughed. Sometimes, people just have sex and move on. Don't sweat this.

Mom2K · 18/08/2017 20:08

Taking space to figure things out to me is different than being broken up/relationship over. If it was the former than that was a terrible thing for him to do. Still his fault though, not hers. But that being said I wouldn't want my OH having anything to do with her solo. Can't do anything about the fact she is around if she's a family friend bit he certainly doesn't need to maintain an individual friendship with her if it would threaten your relationship.

Original poster

WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 20:08

BubbleBed we've been together nearly 2 years now. We took a break 3 months in because neither of us were sure we wanted to go from casual to serious.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 18/08/2017 20:09

"on a break" is code for having the freedom to see other people which he did just that. TBH I would be questioning the relationship if after 3 months you had to go on a break. It doesn't bode well for the future to an outsider, so I don't see how this woman was in the wrong here. However I can see your bf being at fault if he maybe he suggested a future with you but then went on to sleep with this woman.

My honest opinion would be he tested the waters with this woman and for whatever reason didn't click or work so went back to you guilt free. That's my cynical point of view and I think maybe you might see it this way which is why your misdirecting your hatred over the situation to this woman because it's easier to villainfy her than your bf who you love and felt betrayed you.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/08/2017 20:10

Technically single FFS.

You were not together. No-one here did anything wrong.

Mom2K · 18/08/2017 20:11

Sorry didn't realize it was only a three month relationship. Bit different then....

BubbleBed · 18/08/2017 20:11

So it was a casual relationship when you had the break? Then neither of them did anything wrong. He may have even been unsure if he wanted to commit to you, as he thought she could be something - slept with her, they decided it wasn't, that cemented him wanting a serious relationship with you.

She's done nothing wrong. Don't hate her. Shes made no play for him when he's been with you. You need to stop fixating on her.

Underthemoonlight · 18/08/2017 20:11

Just seen that you've now been together 2years and the incident still affects you and eats you up now. He didn't cheat but in your eyes you see it that way or a betrayal of trust?

Original poster

WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 20:12

This isn't about whether anybody did anything wrong BoneyBack. I've already acknowledged I'm being unreasonable to hate her. If only our feelings were so neatly compartmentalised

OP posts:

LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/08/2017 20:12

OP you're the one he is with and loves, not her. Is she in a relationship now?

Original poster

WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 20:13

No she's not in a relationship. To be honest I think she still holds a torch for dp.

OP posts:

Original poster

WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 20:14

Yes, I know you're right Loyalty. I should let it go

OP posts:

Original poster

WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 20:15

Underthemoonlight, I think it still affects me now because I think she is in love with him and hates me. And I hate her back. Childish I know. I need to grow up.

OP posts:

BubbleBed · 18/08/2017 20:16

You're possibly projecting that she still holds a torch for your DP.

ExH's fiance constantly acts as if I want to make a play for him. After almost a decade I can promise everyone I have absolutely no desire. But I still socialise with him and his family sometimes, and text/phone him - mainly about the children, but also because we are friends.

Let it go. Jealousy and insecurity will eat you up inside.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread