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Original poster

I can't help hating her

63 replies

WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 19:55

In the first three months after meeting my boyfriend, we broke up for a week then got back together again and have been together ever since.

During that week he slept with a female friend he's known since childhood.

They are still friends and as she's a family friend sometimes she is at gatherings etc.

I hate her. I know I'm probably being unreasonable but I really hate her. I am polite to her but that's as far as it goes.

He doesn't see her often at all. And I'm not asking him not to be friends with her but I don't want anything to do with her.

Am I overreacting and should I try and be friendly for the sake of my boyfriend? His family are very fond of her. She asked him never to tell them they shagged and I can sort of understand that. But it pisses me off that she's going to be around forever.

Can our relationship survive this do you think?

I love him very much and I believe him when he says it was a mistake never to be repeated.

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 18/08/2017 20:18

You do need to find a way to let this go. Something similar happened in my family and it's been nearly 35 years and she's still sweating on it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/08/2017 20:18

WWYD

You know what the problem is and you know what you need to do.

If you don't you may well end up ruining your relationship.

Original poster
WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 20:20

Whilst I agree with you about needing to let it go, I don't think I am projecting. I actually don't think she would make a play for him now but she tried to convince dp that I was totally wrong for him during the early days. Then slept with him when we did split for that week.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 18/08/2017 20:21

But op he also slept with her so there must have been some feelings on his part.

Rosey83 · 18/08/2017 20:23

I think that if you and your partner are happy and in a healthy and loving relationship you have nothing to worry about and as long as he is respectful to you when she is around. Although I'm sensing some insecurity you have with yourself which you can work on by looking at what is causing you to feel insecure and building your self esteem Flowers

Ellisandra · 18/08/2017 20:23

Well, to be fair he wasn't sure you were right for him... and vice versa.

IDoDaChaCha · 18/08/2017 20:24

WWYD17 difficult question but- are you intimidated by/jealous of her? I agree with PP saying it wouldn't be right of him to hang out alone with her after that but believe me men do that sort of stuff: i recently dumped a guy id just started seeing who had been having a sexual (but not emotional on his side) relationship with his best female friend. When he told her he had started seeing me the woman relayed a message to me through him of "don't expect me to like her!" which threw up red flags. I tried to deal with them hanging out alone but had horrible nightmares the next night they did and ended it with him because he wouldn't stop seeing her 1-2-1. I could have dealt with seeing her socially had they only been together in group settings but if she'd had an attitude with me I'd have smacked that shit right down.

Original poster
WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 20:24

Thanks Rosey for your kind words Flowers

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 18/08/2017 20:25

it sounds as though she wants NOBODY to know about it either... I'd take heart in knowing she's just as regretful about their night together x

LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/08/2017 20:25

As hard as it may be you do need to let it go, if I were her I would be so embarrassed I wouldn't be turning up at family events knowing that you'll be there.

FlowersFlowers

IDoDaChaCha · 18/08/2017 20:28

Gemini or she could not want the family to know so she doesn't look bad for making a play for him while he was trying to decide about his relationship with OP. This ploy could work especially well if she's hanging around waiting for another go.

Dustbunny1900 · 18/08/2017 20:29

Well doesn't sound like it was even a real relationship yet between you two when they slept together. But then he chose you and it's been two years now. So yes, he chose you. You "won" this one , if you wanna put it in a crass way.
I can see this being intensely awkward though and I don't think many people would be gung-ho to have their man close friends with her after that. Your feelings are understandable. But you need to work on letting it go. Nothing really more to say

Serialweightwatcher · 18/08/2017 20:31

I don't think I could not hate her either ... it must be very hard to have to see her often and know what happened - it's tricky but it can't be undone so you'll have to see how you go on and see if you can try to put it to the back of your mind - good luck Flowers

Gemini69 · 18/08/2017 20:31

cripes.. I never thought of that tbh Confused

how very calculating....... Shock

PoorYorick · 18/08/2017 20:35

You know it's unreasonable, so I suggest you simply fake it till you make it....act like you have no issues with her until your heart catches up.

HelsinkiLights · 18/08/2017 20:36

You were both single at the time so he wasn't cheating.
However I can see how you feel, as you've been so quickly replaced during that week and if the same thing happened to me then I would feel the same.
It may have just been a sympathy shag for your boyfriend & then he realised you were the one for him.
Have you both discussed it rationally?
If it you can't see yourself moving forward & putting it to bed (pardon the pun) then he's not the guy for you.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

IDoDaChaCha · 18/08/2017 20:38

Gemini that's what's happening with my situation, although it's moot as I binned him off! She showed her hand by basically threatening me with the message through him. OP's 'other woman' could be cleverer. Not trying to overly dramatise but these things can and do happen. It's for OP to judge if that woman is capable of that kind of subterfuge (and then get us all to help her bury the body...)

Gemini69 · 18/08/2017 20:43

Alibi's needed.... I'm in... lol Grin

SandyY2K · 18/08/2017 20:59

Despite what you say, you seem to be blaming her for them sleeping together. You say she knew you were 'around'. Well so did he, but he still slept with her and as has been said, he was free to do so.

I get that it's uncomfortable that she's still around, but her not wanting anyone to know about it shows she's not a trouble maker IMO.

Whether she holds a torch for him or not is another issue, but he's with you and she's a family friend.

Try and find a way to get over it.
Hating someone who did not do anything to you is irrational.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/08/2017 21:02

He went away, had a look around, tested the waters and decided he was ready to commit to you. Had he not had that space, he may have cheated on you whilst you were officially together and you'd probably have broken up with him. Although you can't help how you feel, I think you should perhaps try to work through your feelings. What Ellisandra said about having a ONS with someone, who had just broken up with his gf and subsequently got back together with her is a far more healthy attitude. His gf is not threatened and perhaps see ONS woman played in making their relationship work.

Original poster
WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 21:02

Have you read my posts other than the OP Sandy? Just asking because you're rehashing a lot of what I've already addressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 21:05

Gemini and IDo Grin

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 18/08/2017 21:07

It's been almost 2 years. LET. IT. GO.

Original poster
WWYD17 · 18/08/2017 21:07

OK!!!

OP posts:
LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/08/2017 21:10

It's been almost 2 years. LET. IT. GO

Don't be so insensitive, it's hard to forget about certain things, this being one of them.