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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH has been hinting at swinging (?)

59 replies

user1491937847 · 18/08/2017 17:18

So, without giving you the whole relationship history, we are a very normal couple, happily married, two young kids, house, dog, etc. etc. Not perfect, but perceived as a good family, I suppose.

Our bedroom life has always been good, and he has been patient during the times when I haven't always been in the right place. He's understanding, and caring, and things are good all round.

So.... as the title suggests, I am pretty sure he has been dropping hints about swinging (well, so far as I can tell, introducing another man into our bedroom... not exactly sure if that is considered swinging or not). It was between about 24 months and 6 months ago. Very subtle, to the point where I was not sure if I was imagining it, but when I recount them now together I am quite sure that I'm not.

Neither of us is a prude at all, we are quite liberal minded, but we are also very committed and wouldn't want to hurt each other ever. I have laughed off or deflected the hints (as I saw them) so far, though I will admit that there is something in the idea that my mind keeps returning to every now and then. Now, of course, having become somewhat mentally open to the concept, there have been no hints for months...

I am very worried about going down a slippery path, where we open a pandora's box, but equally I feel like if we are strong enough in the relationship then it could be liberating and bring us closer. In a way I feel very lucky he is being so gentle in approaching it like this, and actually relieved he is thinking about it being another man, rather than another woman (which I don't think I could handle).

Unfortunately I know there is only one way to find out, and that carries risks, so I just don't know what to do. Most days I think I'll just keep the nagging thought in my head, but occasionally I think you only live once etc. and that we should talk it out. But it's a pretty delicate topic for any marriage, right?

If anyone has tried this at all, then please share how you discussed it and agreed to try it, and whether it helped or hurt the relationship. Any comments welcome!! TY all.

ps. I am a regular poster here, which many of you know, but I created a new username for this post, for precisely that reason!

OP posts:

Wanderlust1984 · 18/08/2017 17:28

Me and my OH have done it, it was great! Definitely brought us closer together and caused no issues at all. Though this probably won't be the same for every couple so if you have any doubts, proceed with extreme caution!

Thephoneywar · 18/08/2017 17:33

Swinging can be part of a healthy relationship if both parties are into it.

Original poster

user1491937847 · 18/08/2017 17:36

Thanks Wanderlust. Can I ask how the communication came about and how you went about finding the right person / people? And do you think it's better as a one off to get out of your system, or is it okay as something that is a part of the r/ship? If that is too personal please don't worry. I just have a million questions in my head. But glad to hear it went well for you!

OP posts:

Wanderlust1984 · 18/08/2017 18:19

No probs :) it actually started on a drunken night out, the topic came up with oh and his mate - I said I'd never tried it but was intrigued. We were joking about it as the night went on, though when more drink went down and it ended up happening! We've done things a few times since so I guess it's become part of our relationship. Why don't you try visiting a swingers club? They're not as seedy as they're made out and there's no forced participation x

User02 · 18/08/2017 19:46

I would advise extreme caution. This not something that is easy to discuss and could cause severe harm to someone. I say this as someone who has been approached on this subject. I was horrified. Ever since I have dressed very very conservatively. I have avoided many conversations because I do not know why these people approached me. I am scared when these people are anywhere near me. I am afraid to hold conversations in case I am saying something that makes people think of me differently from what I am. My life is wrecked since being approached

billabye · 18/08/2017 19:50

User02

ScarlettR · 18/08/2017 19:59

it can be an emotional roller coaster but can also be great fun and a big turn on

user Why did people approaching you wreck your life?

Battytwatty · 18/08/2017 20:01

Your life has been wrecked!

That's very dramatic.

Changing the way you dress is very extreme
"No thanks " is all you needed to say and move on and forget about it

ScarlettR · 18/08/2017 20:04

either there's more too it or you're drastically over reacting user

User02 · 18/08/2017 20:15

There is more to it.

Wanderlust1984 · 18/08/2017 20:22

If there's more to it User02, it definitely doesn't sound like it's relevant to this thread where both parties are willing!

NearlyFree17 · 18/08/2017 20:29

Swinging is great if you are both up for it and have an otherwise strong relationship.it can be an amazing experience that takes sex to a new level.
The website fabswingers has forums you can visit which will answer a lot of your questions. The website is a bit tacky looking, and there are a lot of people on there who are into quite strong stuff so you may find it a bit of a shock at first! But there are lots of normal people who are into it, from all walks of life. There are also lots of curious newbies.
As a PP said, swingers clubs are no pressure, very friendly places. People can go just for a drink, to watch, or just to play with their own partners. I would highly recommend the Vanilla Alternative, people travel from all over the country to go (there is an onsite hotel).
A lot of people feel that it is better not to swing with existing friends as it can be very awkward if it doesn't all work out. There are lots of hot single guys on Fab looking to join a couple for fun and you can take your pick.
Personally I absolutely love an MMF but I also love to watch my partner having fun with someone else, that's a huge turn on. And there are things that you can't do with two that are amazing fun with three or more!

User02 · 18/08/2017 20:46

Wanderlust - I think this is relevant to this thread. The couple seemed to have been accepting of their position. The male was the one to ask me. I was horrified I said I would tell the female. He said she knows. I was on my own after several of the most awful events that can happen in any of our lives. They had acted friendly. I had no idea that this was their aim. I feel like it was grooming but does grooming apply to an adult or is that just children? What I am saying is that people have to be very careful how and who they approach to join them.

user1488575338 · 18/08/2017 21:33

User02 - I think you need to let it go.

User02 · 18/08/2017 22:16

There is no chance that I would be involved in anything like this. My DH was very straight line. These were not my usual type of people. I was at a low time and they took advantage rather than being friendly. If I was looking for a new man he would not be it!
I would love to be rid of them completely but I live on a lane. Cars park on the road and I have to walk past their house to get to mine. I rarely go home.
I wish I knew if I did anything to encourage them in thinking I would be interested in either of them for any reason other than civility. They cancelled the civility

jayho · 18/08/2017 22:34

I'm more with User02. I was in a relationship with a man where he at first openly asked if I was interested in group sex. I said no, he let it go. As time progressed he introduced talking about other people being involved in our sexual activity. Sorry if this but when we were having sex he'd talk about how he'd love to see someone else doing stuff to me or him. It was quite erotic.

Then after sex he'd reinforce it by asking me to confirm I'd enjoyed it.

Long story short I found myself in a hotel room with him and another couple, because 'i liked it' he tried to dress it up as a treat for me. Luckily (?) I'm so uptight (have enough self awareness?) I left.

With hindsight it was grooming.
Tread carefully.

teaandtoast · 18/08/2017 22:54

Can you move, User?

FreedaDonkey · 18/08/2017 23:13

Ignore them User.

I'm sure they feel embarrassed but there's absolutely no reason you should feel bad

User02 · 18/08/2017 23:47

Tea- I will sell the house in the long term. I have a lot of other things to deal with but that would be the long term plan. I am just angry that I should be forced to move because of their conduct
Freeda - I do ignore them ever since that conversation. I dont know why I am embarrassed but I often feel that I am at fault when really I dont think I am
The lane was a nice wee community for a very long time and now this has caused bad feeling. There was 3 other single women in the group of house, actually 4 as this was after DH died, I did not want the others to be subjected to this conduct. One female was elderly, 80ish 2 in 40s and then me too.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 18/08/2017 23:53

He may be into cuckoldery (can't spell it) enjoying someone else sleeping with their partner.

But honestly it's a tough one isn't it.

I could only ever have a threesome with 2 people I'm not in a relationship with.

In my mind love and sex are very different. But not with everyone.

The most important thing is to keep any aspect of the lifestyle if you do take it up away from the kids.

Sp meet at hotels or the other person(s) house, not where your kids could be aware. It sounds obvious but I know a girl who was aware her Mum was a prostitute whilst she was at school- deeply didturbing.

Fudgit · 19/08/2017 00:03

I think it could be great for your relationship if both of you like the idea, obviously approach it carefully and with boundaries but as long as you're sensible it needn't cause any issue. I'm single at the moment but if I was with someone I'd definitely be open to it, not sure I'd like to be the 'plus one' in the situation though!

User02 it sounds like you're giving yourself a very hard time about what happened, obviously you were feeling vulnerable at the time and it was a shocking suggestion to you, but for them it might not have seemed like a big deal really? If it's something they're into they were probably just wondering if you might possibly be interested, not grooming you. Sorry you feel that way. I can see how it could feel awkward living nearby but I would honestly just let it go if you can, don't disrupt your whole life over one silly misunderstanding.

User02 · 19/08/2017 00:52

The couple are in their high 60s and the wife is disabled. I wondered if she knew and she was condonning me as a replacement for her as her disabilities got worse. What ever the situation I am horrified that they thought it OK to speak to me like that. I thought it was just me but similar was recently on tv. Perhaps husbands of disabled wives doe these things. I have to say that no matter how ill my husband was I never did anything of the like.
I am also disgusted that they knew all the things that had happened around me and yet still thought this appropriate. Picking on people at a weak moment is not my way of doing things

NoqontroI · 19/08/2017 01:02

That's not nice user. I can see why you would feel a bit vulnerable. I think for the op though it's a bit different, the circumstances are completely different. for you though. Have you joined WAY? (Widowed and young.) They are a fab source of support. My dh died too and someone who was married hit on to me soon after. It made me feel pretty sick tbh. But I think this op is not the same scenario.

Fudgit · 19/08/2017 01:03

User I really do think the best thing for your own happiness would be to just let it go now. Maybe they behaved badly but it's over and done with now, they asked and you refused, it's not a crime. And you're really hijacking this thread as well.

User02 · 19/08/2017 01:40

I am not trying to hijack any thread. It is different situations. The OP is half of a couple wo wish to take part in such activities. They will at some point ask someone to join them. I think I was a person asked to join some consenting people. I am advocating that great care is taken before deciding who to ask. I was asked and I was horrified.
I have not heard of WAY but I will look for them in my area. Thank you for info.

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