My DH has been hinting at swinging (?)

[user1491937847]

So, without giving you the whole relationship history, we are a very normal couple, happily married, two young kids, house, dog, etc. etc. Not perfect, but perceived as a good family, I suppose.

Our bedroom life has always been good, and he has been patient during the times when I haven't always been in the right place. He's understanding, and caring, and things are good all round.

So.... as the title suggests, I am pretty sure he has been dropping hints about swinging (well, so far as I can tell, introducing another man into our bedroom... not exactly sure if that is considered swinging or not). It was between about 24 months and 6 months ago. Very subtle, to the point where I was not sure if I was imagining it, but when I recount them now together I am quite sure that I'm not.

Neither of us is a prude at all, we are quite liberal minded, but we are also very committed and wouldn't want to hurt each other ever. I have laughed off or deflected the hints (as I saw them) so far, though I will admit that there is something in the idea that my mind keeps returning to every now and then. Now, of course, having become somewhat mentally open to the concept, there have been no hints for months...

I am very worried about going down a slippery path, where we open a pandora's box, but equally I feel like if we are strong enough in the relationship then it could be liberating and bring us closer. In a way I feel very lucky he is being so gentle in approaching it like this, and actually relieved he is thinking about it being another man, rather than another woman (which I don't think I could handle).

Unfortunately I know there is only one way to find out, and that carries risks, so I just don't know what to do. Most days I think I'll just keep the nagging thought in my head, but occasionally I think you only live once etc. and that we should talk it out. But it's a pretty delicate topic for any marriage, right?

If anyone has tried this at all, then please share how you discussed it and agreed to try it, and whether it helped or hurt the relationship. Any comments welcome!! TY all.

ps. I am a regular poster here, which many of you know, but I created a new username for this post, for precisely that reason!

Didn't COVID kill swinging stone dead?

I would love an update. Did the OP and partner swing in the end? Did User02 move house?

No I don’t think Covid killed swinging dead… I have it on good authority! Not personal experience tho just to be clear. It’s unbelievable really.

Knew two different couples who swung. Both scenarios ended up the same way whereby the wives got bored so the husbands carried on in secret with the other lady.
Messed up both their marriages.

@Fudgit

User I really do think the best thing for your own happiness would be to just let it go now. Maybe they behaved badly but it's over and done with now, they asked and you refused, it's not a crime. And you're really hijacking this thread as well.

Feel however you want to feel, User. I've also had a couple who pretended to be my friends attempt to prey on me when they knew I was going through a traumatic time and struggling with mental health. I thought they were trying to support me but instead they just saw me as a potential toy. It sucks, and it felt like grooming for me too. People seeking out vulnerable people for their own agendas is extremely common though, sadly.

If people don't want this to hijack the thread then stop leaving posts giving your opinions on User's life experiences, simple.

Don’t you think that polyamory is just a different cooler name for swinging and they are just the same?

Anyway, I went on a date with someone before lockdown who had been to an upmarket swingers night and he told me that at the top of the building was a secret room with pictures of 20th century dictators. He also said it really smelled. I didn’t go on another date with him but wanted to share that interesting titbit (no pun intended).

I am less worried about his request than I am about what you're thinking -

but equally I feel like if we are strong enough in the relationship then it could be liberating and bring us closer

You sound naive if you think this (or you are trying to think of other reasons to do it which is fine, whatever floats your boat). Normally, this reasoning is exactly the type of nonsense men tell women when they want them to something risky or questionable, sexually. It might as well translate to 'I will love you more if you do this thing for me'. This sort of thing only beings people closer if both parties really want it, and even then it doesn't mean they both will enjoy it, or things don't become complicated as a result. I'm sure every male teen who has wanted to have a threesome has breathed into his girlfriend's ear it will 'make them closer', so I'm surprised to see that coming from you.

In a way I feel very lucky he is being so gentle in approaching it like this

You what? Just read that again. It almost sounds like a woman saying 'I feel lucky to have a husband who doesn't hit me'. Maybe that would have been in the case a few centuries ago, but these days it's a very low bar to set, don't you think. You're not lucky OP. It's the bare minimum you could expect from a decent person.

and actually relieved he is thinking about it being another man, rather than another woman (which I don't think I could handle

Again.....what??? You are relieved that he wants it to be with another man? You're talking here as if you have little choice in this matter, as if this is going to go ahead no matter what and you are grasping at an scrap of something positive you can find. Also, why does the fact he's a man make it better?? Were you aware that your husband had bisexual leanings before now? How do you know if this isn't just his way to start sleeping with other men? Are you ok with that? There's also additional things that are behind a man wanting another man to join him in bed that can throw in additional complexities. Different ones to being with another woman, but just because he wants another man to join you doesn't make things automatically ok or simpler.

Have you considered how you will manage the impact of a decision to end your monogamous relationship and change it into something different?

Do you intend to be open with them, to do it out of the house? How will it work?

Sorry on your children that should have said! How will you manage the impact of this change on your children?