My DH has been hinting at swinging (?)

[user1491937847]

So, without giving you the whole relationship history, we are a very normal couple, happily married, two young kids, house, dog, etc. etc. Not perfect, but perceived as a good family, I suppose.

Our bedroom life has always been good, and he has been patient during the times when I haven't always been in the right place. He's understanding, and caring, and things are good all round.

So.... as the title suggests, I am pretty sure he has been dropping hints about swinging (well, so far as I can tell, introducing another man into our bedroom... not exactly sure if that is considered swinging or not). It was between about 24 months and 6 months ago. Very subtle, to the point where I was not sure if I was imagining it, but when I recount them now together I am quite sure that I'm not.

Neither of us is a prude at all, we are quite liberal minded, but we are also very committed and wouldn't want to hurt each other ever. I have laughed off or deflected the hints (as I saw them) so far, though I will admit that there is something in the idea that my mind keeps returning to every now and then. Now, of course, having become somewhat mentally open to the concept, there have been no hints for months...

I am very worried about going down a slippery path, where we open a pandora's box, but equally I feel like if we are strong enough in the relationship then it could be liberating and bring us closer. In a way I feel very lucky he is being so gentle in approaching it like this, and actually relieved he is thinking about it being another man, rather than another woman (which I don't think I could handle).

Unfortunately I know there is only one way to find out, and that carries risks, so I just don't know what to do. Most days I think I'll just keep the nagging thought in my head, but occasionally I think you only live once etc. and that we should talk it out. But it's a pretty delicate topic for any marriage, right?

If anyone has tried this at all, then please share how you discussed it and agreed to try it, and whether it helped or hurt the relationship. Any comments welcome!! TY all.

ps. I am a regular poster here, which many of you know, but I created a new username for this post, for precisely that reason!

My ex best friend and her husband got into swinging. They both enjoyed it and went to other couples houses/ had people at theirs/ went to swinging clubs. After two years my friend had had enough and wanted to go back to them just being a regular ' nobody else involved' sexual couple. It caused MASSIVE problems between them. He had become hooked on the thrill and now justfound his wife on her own in bed ' boring and dull'. She found herself compromising and doing it ' occasionally ' to keep him happy all the while hating watching him with numerous other women, being very jealous and not enjoying getting shagged by other men anymore as ( this was what she said) "she wanted to just have sex with her husband , not to watch him going down on other women and shagging them". The attraction of it faded for her I think after the first few months but she kept up the pretence to keep him happy. The last I knew he was still surfing the Internet fir similar local couples, emailing prospective swingers long after she had said ' never again' which caused big problems and huge trust issues. I think it's a big Pandora's box and although some of the people commenting have said it's great and go for it I wonder if they will still be giving the same advice in ten/ fifteen/ twenty years??

Hi again user. The website is here. www.widowedandyoung.org.uk
You do have to pay to join, but I'm fairly sure that if people can't afford it then they still can. From there you can find the local groups and also be part of the local and national fb groups. It is worth it as people from all over the country meet up and go on holiday and stuff together. Hope youre ok. Sorry to everyone else for the hijack.

Noquotrol - Thank you for help. I have had a look at website and will contact on monday to see if group in my area Thanks again

User02 disabled women have sex ok, we do not find suitable alternatives for our partners. Take your ableism to another thread ffs

I'm guessing strong boundaries and trust are important hallmarks of a situation where other parties are introduced into your sex life. However, given that neither of you have been able to broach the subject clearly with each other, suggest that communication wise, you're both not in the right place for such a potential intrusion in your physical and emotional lives.

My first and strongest concern would be that if you introduce a man, he may well want to introduce a woman afterwards - I'd be really, really clear that another woman would never be an option for you.

It's possible it's cuckolding; as someone said, or that he thinks it's a way of introducing another person of both sexes, or that he wants to move onto bigger swinging events. You'd need to find a way to restart the conversation to find out.

I've been approached before, by couples. I didn't take part, but I didn't mind being approached. It was respectful and they were fine with me saying no.

My husband was insistant on introducing BDSM and swinging into our marriage, I refused, we are now divorced.
I don't need that shit in my life.

Angelf1sh - just to show how bad your comment to me is. I am disabled too. The couple know this and the nature of my disability which makes the request all the more disgusting as well as completely unacceptable. I just dont know why I was targeted by them.

Being disabled doesn't mean you didn't exhibit ableism in your comment. You did.

Anyway op, in an attempt to un-derail your thread...

I think you should just ask your op if that's what he meant, you could do it in a jokey way if you're not sure how he'll respond. But opening up your sex life can be fun as long as you are genuinely both into it you and don't end up doing things you aren't interested in. As pps have said, you don't want to do things that just please him but do nothing for you! Trying a club but only watching might actually be enough for you both.

I had friends who were into it and both seemed happy with it and there were no issues in their marriage because of it ( according to her)
When they decided to have dc and the woman was of the man a St happy that she no longer wanted to do it and he continued on his own despite her objections
Once the child was born the woman still didn't want to go back to swinging and they ended up divorced
If both parties aren't equally into it or one wants to stop it can't work

The real question is if this is just a fantasy of his or something he REALLY wants to happen.

And if he does do you really want to do it.

And if it happens for gods sake put im place boundries so the other guys knows what you will and wont do.

Going to a club is a great idea. It's s fun and thrilling adventure and something you can do together and you can talk to other people and their experiences. Watch a bit if you want then go home and have hot sex with each other.

I might be wrong but i think the whole swinging thing is fantasy la la land. Of course i know it happens. I will bet that its mostly men who talk their partners into it. Why? Because they want some extra whatever. I'm guessing most of the so called "clubs" are squalid dumps where lots of supposedly "single" men leer at women and hope to get a bit of action.

I think ,as some have suggested, it can work for the few but for many, its a pandoras box job and all is not what it seems. I would suggest that many men who have tried to steer their partners in this direction have already done their research on certain websites and think they would like to join in the fun. Maybe they already have? Would they think it was so much fun though if they saw their partner being rodgered by some guy who was better looking and ,heaven forbid,better sexually?

TDH I used to think the same as you that it would be men persuading their wives into swinging, before I went to a swingers club and found that most of the action is led by the women, who are very outgoing girls to put it politely..Speaking as a female there are lots of us who are into the thrill of it.
Saying that of course there are both men and women who find it's not for them. But it's not the case that men are coercing women into it, from my experience.

Worked for us, was a fun three years. Now, by mutual agreement, we are monogamous again. Was like having the thrill of an affair but with my own DP. Our secret that cannot be shared with anyone in RL. We started off with a trip to a club for 'a look', did a bit more. Was sexy and very enjoyable!

Our own rules were/are never with someone we know in real life, either of us can veto anyone and anything without question or reason no matter how far we have got into it (we have a safe word which means everything stops immediately), we only have chat/phone numbers of people of the same gender as us (he has no ladies' phone numbers etc and vice versa), we are each other's priority first, second and last.

Getting all dressed up, groomed and looking sexy to go to a club is the ultimate date night for us as a couple and many a time we would only have eyes for each other and happily just have sex together but in an erotic setting. Talk lots to each other, talk out your jealousies, fears, expectations and take it very, very slow should you decide to venture in. Also, you will need a good sense of humour because sex can be undignified, messy, noisy and nothing like the movies! Often the mis-match between real life and the 'fantasy' is huge and hilarious.

Very interesting, that he wants to introduce a man to the bedroom. Surely, a heterosexual man would prefer to bring in a female to a threesome?

He sounds bi/gay to me.

It's hardly Romeo and Juliet, is it?

I'd be revolted, tbh.

Lots of people like swinging, but not everyone does. It's neither right nor wrong in itself (monogamy is an artificial social construct, based on men's need to own women. It's also a fetish some people have, which is equally fine as long as both partners are into it.)

Swinging won't harm a strong relationship where there is mutual goodwill and respect. If the relationship's in trouble, though, swinging will not only widen the cracks but can involve other people in the fallout, which isn't nice.

Mind you, quite often the process of it 'all going wrong' is: man persuades initially-not-keen woman to give it a try, she has much more fun than him, he wants to stop, she doesn't...

This scenario would make a bit more sense to me if it were a reverse, and a man was posting trying to get hints on how to get his partner to allow another woman into the bedroom. But of course I could be wrong....

Before I got into the scene, I too thought that 'every man's dream' would be two women. Not at all my now considerable experience. Couples and men particularly into swinging have are very realistic. Satisfying two women is bloody hard work, two guys is less stressful, less pressure and appeals to the voyeuristic side plus (in my experience) they get a thrill seeing their lady being desired by and arousing another man. Suited me. My OH is definitely not bi or bi-curious at all.

Reanimated, monogamy is a male-centric fetish? Oh please do enlighten me on this theory.

This is a golden thread with many fissiparous posts. I particular enjoyed the derail by user recounting her predation by a disabled couple in their 60s. One to savour. Can we resurrect it and talk more about swinging on which my own view is that it’s ridic!

My opinion is that it involves pampas grass, bowls with keys, unattractive people wearing wolf marks. HTH

Not sure. I'd be worried that the swinging was just an excuse for him to have an affair and explore the other side and then decide he preferred men...

Monogamy is a fetish 😂 😂😂 FFS