Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Normal or not?

82 replies

Onlyonce · 17/08/2017 11:26

Just wanting some honest views on aspects of Dp's behaviour towards me. A few examples

1.Reading my messages on phone. Wouldn't bother me particularly but would rather he told me as when he reads the unread ones I don't see them highlighted and miss them iyswim
2.Telling me I don't need my handbag when out for the day (actually do need it had to remind him I keep DD inhaler when we go out)
3.Telling me I use too much toothpaste
4.Similarly that I shouldn't put the shower on while I get undressed, should wait untill I have got in
5.Where to put water bottle in compartment on side of passengers door, as in 'dont put it there, move it to there'
6.Taking receipt out of my bag then quizzing me on what I had for lunch (disapproves of diet coke)
7.Asking me what I am eating on a regular basis when he sees me having something
Coming into kitchen as soon as I go in there
8.Turned him down for sex one night after he woke me up. He said he would do it anyway. I said no again. Nothing further happened
9When frustrated saying things like 'im going to break X in a minute' referring to whatever he is holding or trying to deal with. He has never been physically violent with me but have seen him kick or stand on things
10.Regularly saying "are you in a mood" when he picks up on me not being as I would normally be.
11. Saying I have my showers too hot

Sometimes I wonder if I am just being over sensitive so wanting to know which of these would bother others or not. I know some of them seem more of an issue than others

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyonce · 17/08/2017 12:18

I don't think anything would happen if I didn't do as he said. It would just get brought up again in the same way at a later date.

He is brilliant with DD, just wish he could be the same with me.

I do think it has worsened or become more noticeable over the last few years

Not saying I'm perfect. I have mentioned things to him, like could he put dishes in dishwasher rather than lying around. He does it for a week then goes back to normal

There is nothing that he would make me do as such, like Rainybo example of the Hoover. More likely he would do it when it annoys him so it gets done his way.

I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment. She very gently tested out the word controlling with me but I used a different word to describe him so she sort of withdrew it

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyonce · 17/08/2017 12:23

I know it feels like I have to hide things if it's not what he wants doing or something. If I offer to help them start helping he will say I'm not doing it right and just take over. I wasn't the most confident person before I met him though so that's probably part of it. I'm scared of annoying him but I really don't know why because he hasn't ever hurt me, not even laid a finger on me

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 17/08/2017 12:43

Regarding the text messages. A normal person would say "oh look you've got a message" and pass you the phone so you can read it, or just leave it. Have you asked him not to do this? I'm guessing you're not allowed to read his?

I'm not minimising all the other things, just that nobody has mentioned this one.

troodiedoo · 17/08/2017 12:45

Domestic abuse does not have to be violent.

Do you work? What's your financial set up like?

GlitterSparkles17 · 17/08/2017 12:49

Controlling at its best. Put a password on your phone he has no reason to be going through it like your a child.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 17/08/2017 12:50

I work but not well paid and will be on mat leave fairly soon. I need to get myself in a better position before I can leave

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyonce · 17/08/2017 12:51

I don't have anything to hide in my phone.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 17/08/2017 12:56

The shower, toothpaste etc stuff seems silly to type out, doesn't it? But it's not what it is, it's what it represents - him being completely controlling.

It's actually v scary to read as it shows he's controlling on even the smallest things.

Please consider steps to leave him Flowers

Original poster
Onlyonce · 17/08/2017 12:59

I think that's the problem it just feels silly some of it, like little things bother him more than they bother me.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname85 · 17/08/2017 13:01

But the fact that he'd be so controlling over these even tiny aspects of your life - it's so so toxic, and exhausting. You might just get worn down with trying to fight him on it - please don't lose your sanity to this man

If you'd known all this about him when you were first dating, would you have given him a second date? Obviously you need to be practical about money, childcare etc but please don't let your self worth slip before you've even noticed it's happened

GlitterSparkles17 · 17/08/2017 13:06

I know you don't have anything to hide but its more that he feels the need to go through it as though he's looking for something. If it doesn't bug you then that's fine but I just see it as more controlling behaviour.

Everything on your list sounds exhausting to live with on a day to day basis.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 17/08/2017 13:16

It is draining, very much so. One day I will be ready. Just not yet

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 17/08/2017 13:19

None of that list is normal op! And if you think it's silly to write it down and be annoyed about it, how silly is it if him to be bothered about?
Do you even look at how much tooth paste he uses? How hot he as the shower? If he takes his wallet and phone out with him? Would you read his messages?

I'd be seriously looking into leaving if I was you!

twattymctwatterson · 17/08/2017 13:27

I think you're getting bogged down about whether some of the more "minor" stuff is controlling. HE THREATENED TO RAPE YOU. Is that alone not an excellent reason to leave this relationship?

SuperSkyRocketing · 17/08/2017 13:32

Completely controlling. It's great that you've posted on here though because you obviously know the way he treats you isn't right.

It's no way to live having someone watching and criticising your every move and don't even get me started on him reading your messages. You need to get strong enough to walk away.

KeepCalm · 17/08/2017 13:33

Life's too short for that shit.

Whinesalot · 17/08/2017 13:37

A couple of things in isolation wouldn't be too bad - but the whole lot with a few particularly nasty ones, does scream controlling.

Are you treading on eggshells or do you just ignore him and not generally take it to heart?

Rainybo · 17/08/2017 13:40

Please don't get into the 'he does those things, but I do these things' loop. It's a total headfuck.

And he is getting you to do things like my example. My ex-H didn't explicitly tell me to do the hoovering, it was all much much cleverer than that.

Another favourite of his was if I started to stand up for myself, was, 'it's not my fault that you have interpreted what I said in that way. Your interpretation is your responsibility.' which is a basically a more verbose way of saying 'I didn't say what you think I did, you have issues.' It's not always obvious OP.

Original poster
Onlyonce · 17/08/2017 13:44

Your last paragraph rings true Rainybo.

Whinesaalot I suppose I do try to ignore it, just block it and carry on iyswim

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyonce · 17/08/2017 13:47

Twatty, I was so stunned when he said that. He's never said anything like that before or since. For a couple of months he was going through a phase of waking me up during the night to initiate sex and it was during that time.

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 17/08/2017 13:48

3, 4, maybe 5 and 11 may be normal if relationship is otherwise happy and maybe said in jest or as part of a conversation rather than just an order.
10, probably normal in many relationships as long as it's not nasty.
The rest, hell no.

arousingcheer · 17/08/2017 13:50

No, none of this is normal.

OP keep in mind what will happen if you are passively waiting to see how this will develop. My ex was never physically violent with me until he was. Don't just wait for things to get worse because by then the bar will have fallen even further and you'll be habituated to a level of behaviour that is deteriorating incrementally.

On the other hand, what do you think he would do if you started pushing back a bit? If you had a chat saying 'From now on I want you to myob when it comes to things that don't affect you like my toothpaste, lunch, phone, handbag, shower etc. You really made me think the other day when you threatened me in bed. You're too controlling and this has to change if we're going to stay together.' Do you think he'd be alarmed at his own behaviour having it put to him directly or do you think he'd act out defensively?

He is modelling the behaviour of your dd's future partners. What would he say if you told him that? He may be 'brilliant' in how he treats her but what he is showing her is damaging. Having grown up with a controlling and violent father I am hyper-aware of people's feelings and reactions and can spot controlling and/or emotionally incontinent people at 40 paces. He only had weekend custody every fortnight so I didn't even live with him but the effect of walking on eggshells around someone so powerful and elemental in your life leaves lasting damage.

yetmorecrap · 17/08/2017 13:53

Waking you up to initiate sex for me would be an absolute deal breaker to be honest. Maybe not for others but for me it is , certainly saying he would carry on anyway. I know someone who got prison for that

Original poster
Onlyonce · 17/08/2017 13:56

I could start to push back a bit, challenge him on what he says, gradually a couple of things at a time. His temper scares me but I don't think he would physically hurt me although that probably doesn't make sense

OP posts:
deadringer · 17/08/2017 13:57

Sounds like a nut case to me. Controlling, mean and very strange. Definitely very far from normal.