I've driven him away and don't know what to do

[sparklingruby]

My husband walked out on me a few weeks ago and has been refusing to talk. Tonight I managed to get him to open up.

He says that he believes he's changed himself too much in order to keep me happy. He says I'd get too jealous of too many things and to avoid arguments he would change his behaviours in order to keep me happy but now he feels he's changed too much of himself that he doesn't even feel like he is him anymore.

He says he doesn't know if it's possible for us to be together.

I was a bit shocked to be honest. I do have issues with intrusive thoughts and jealousy and I'm in therapy for these, but I wasn't aware of the changes he said he had been making to "keep me happy". I am upset because I never wanted him to feel like this and I wish he had told me how he felt before it came to this.

We have three very young children together who all just want their father back. I just want my husband back.

I've said I will do anything to make him feel he can return and I will change my behaviours and he knows I am working on these things. And I've asked for another chance but he says he's too detached and stressed and isn't sure he can.

I don't know what to do. I can't believe I've driven him away like this. I didn't even know he was changing his behaviours so much. I also feel angry he didn't tell me how he felt before he had to leave so we could have discussed this and I could have worked on any other things that needed working on.

An example he gave was not adding his ex girlfriends onto social media as he thought I'd be angry but that he did want to. And never using his laptop in case I asked to see it and look at his work emails. I honestly didn't know he did these things and I'm devastated.

Please does anyone have any advice?

I know you say you didn't ask him that avoid doing those things but if he has lived in a climate of anxiety where he knows that doing innocuous things will spark a response from you...that's an impossible and awful situation to live in. You may need to accept his decision and give him space.

Hmmmm. I think counselling together. Don't necessarily take responsibility for his paranoia.

i'm so sorry for you. i'm not sure i can offer advice, as i'm not so good at these things myself... or i feel im not. but, for what it's worth, it sounds like you're fully opening up about your role, and being aware of what you may have done that is not so great. it doesn't sound like he is doing the same for you... like... i am sort of sceptical that it is so simple, if that makes sense. is it really all your fault? and he's been bottling it up and now has left? it's not your fault, for instance, that he hasn't spoken to you before leaving you and the children. it doesn't seem so responsible of him, and so perhaps you could stand to blame yourself a bit less and be a bit mad at him. that said, i understand that of course you want him back so perhaps that is not so productive what i just said. i am just aware i blame myself for everything in these scenarios and i'm starting to realise it's probably not right to do so....

perhaps you could both agree to talk over coffee about a plan to improve things. perhaps you could work it out in advance and even write this plan down? see if you can have a productive chat. or, can you suggest that you both go and see a professional together? a counsellor/ therapist? can you go see your own therapist together? would this be helpful?

sending you strength and courage and confidence xx

i'm slightly wondering if he's quite so innocent. it's an awful thought but could this be a defence mechanism... could there be more behind the scenes and he wants to blame you, while not admitting his own guilt for something he is doing/ has done?

like, why is it so important to him to add ex girlfriends on social media anyway? why is he worried about you seeing his laptop? you're married.. there shouldnt' be anything to hide, right?

Give him time and space. Sort out a good co-parenting arrangement for now. Keep going to therapy.

Agree curiousgirrl Smacks a bit of gaslighting.

I think he feels so tired from my questioning of "who is she" "how do you know her?" Etc that he has just avoided situations like adding girlfriends. I think he wants to be able to add them to social media just because he's able to do what he wants really. And I can see why he would be avoiding it if he thinks it's going to lead to a string of questions

I think he's changed lots of very small things over a long period of time so that I'm not aware he's been changing them and now he's suddenly realised that together it means he's changed a lot of things.

I try so hard to not ask who a girl is but my anxiety is so high and I know I will get reassurance from him so I do that, without considering the consequences to how he might feel.

I've been trying to see if there are any therapy retreats I can go to. My counselling is good but I'm wondering if it's not enough, quickly enough. I want to fix this problem too.

I do think unfortunately he hasn't really done much wrong. And it is all me. He pulls away from me and acts more secretively which then makes me act worse. That's about all I can think of.

He said we would always be together and go hear him saying he thinks it just might never be possible has just broken my heart. He thinks that we are total opposites. He gets detached and wants to be alone when he feels under pressure. I need more attention and comfort at the same time so he thinks we are polar opposites.

I'm so distraught I've not been able to tackle and control my issues and that I've caused this. So so so distraught.

Rubbish. It sounds like someone who has been ground down by a controlling partner.

Sorry that was to joely op not you

Everything you said there confirms what I thought. I'm sorry you're hurting so much but he can't live like that, nobody should have to.

I'm with curious, I don't think this adds up, I think there's more to this than he's letting on, of course if he comes back then what happens? he adds all his exes on social media, you can never ask to see his laptop or phone ? if you do then it's "I told you so" and blaming you, bingo, he's got himself covered for any duplicity he's involved in
Anyone worth their salt would have talked to you about this and tried to resolve matters like an adult
What changes is he on about, have you noticed any? be on your guard, I don't think you're getting the whole truth

I know Ada. I just didn't know he was feeling this way. I don't want to hurt him.

I've been in therapy on and off for a while and we split before several years ago for similar reasons and he came back. We tried again and were happy and got married and had children and now this. I feel like we are back there again.

He now says he thinks he read too much about therapy and psychology and came back because he thought he could understand me and "fix me" or something. And I didn't know all this.

I thought he came back as he loved me and thought we could be together after all.

AdalindSchade
Really? How does either of us know? Personally it feels to me like he is the controlling one. But we don't know. We both bring our own histories. No need to be rude though.

I'm so sorry that he's left Op and I really hope you can sort things out . I do understand how he feels though , my ex was jealous and I too changed my behaviour so much that I didn't even dare tell him I'd spoken to anyone on the phone in case he started the endless questioning. I walked with my eyes to the floor in case he accused me of flirting. It was unbearable.

The good thing is that you know you need to change and are taking steps to do so. This is what I would concentrate on .

I wish it were true Joely that I could think of anything he's done wrong but I can't. I've been trying all night.

I want so much to fix this but do you think it's just too unhealthy for him to be with me then Ada?

I don't want to put him through anything else. I am just struggling on my own and watching my babies struggle with it too.

I just feel like now I know how he feels, i would love a chance to show him I can be different and for him to not change things about him to make up for me.

I haven't been rude. I've read the op's posts and surmised from them what I think is the closest to the truth. I don't know why you and others are inventing wrong doing on the part of the man when the op has described the way she has treated him in detail.

Yes op I think he needs time and space to consider whether he can trust you to change your behaviour. He may not.

Thank you cremefresh.

I'm finding therapy a bit frustrating at times because I'm being told sometimes that I need to focus on stuff that's not my behaviour. It's almost like they dismiss me even though I'm saying it is a problem and try to look for other things.

That's why I'm wondering if there's anything else I can do. Like an intense therapy or something.

I want to fix this for me regardless of what happens with him. I'm terrified I will just stay like this forever.

What are they asking you to look at? It might be relative. Therapy takes a long time and a lot of hard work, things have to be unraveled slowly so give it time.

sparklingruby I am so sorry you are going through this. Please do not blame yourself for all this.

Did you have these anxieties when you met? When you married? When together you made three babies?

Is adding your ex girlfriends to your Facebook page really more important than living with your three very young children?

I'd suggest counselling and hope he sees sense.

If he has made changes that you have not even noticed (and he has done all this without even mentioning it to you) and this is now the reason he wants to give up on your marriage and put distance between himself and his kids, he is a fool. Sorry but he should be willing to work at things.

By all means you can change, and this has given you a shock, and maybe he really has made changes and really has tried but he has failed to communicate with you.

Your description of personalities suggests he is an introvert and you are an extrovert, these personailites can make it hard to communicate (I am extrovert, dh is introvert).

Find a counellor who can help you both to communicate.

If I were you I would try and analyse my own behaviour and seek to moderate it, allow him some freedom (if he comes back) but do not take the full responsibility for this. He has not just walked out on you, he has walked out on three very young children.

I wonder if the fact he does not recognize himself is because of all the work, energy, effort etc that goes into raising three young kids? I'm guessing you don't recognize yourself some days too, but you haven't walked out on your kids.

I feel like they try to change it to be about what he's done wrong.

He drinks a lot and has been getting very drunk to escape a lot of stress. So they focus on that bit and ask how that makes me feel, and make comments about me not feeling very supported etc.

I feel almost like I'm getting frustrated saying, yes he drinks too much but I want to talk about the fact I ask him about his ex girlfriends and how I stop doing that. But it's almost like some of this stuff is brushed aside if you see what I mean.

Yes Italian, he knows I've had these anxieties for a very long time. It's why we split before and then he came back and went on to get married and have children etc.

I am shocked. It's been a big shock to me.

Work is difficult for him at the moment and yes I'm sure there's a lot of general family strain too.

I just wish we had talked about this before. He says we did talk and he has cited rows we had but I don't think I understood he changed his behaviours. I thought he was just finding me irritating.

I would do anything to have a chance to put it right and dial down my behaviours

Do you think I can stop them entirely? Sometimes I feel like I can't control my own head and I'm going mad or something.

I love him so much.

"I feel almost like I'm getting frustrated saying, yes he drinks too much but I want to talk about the fact I ask him about his ex girlfriends and how I stop doing that. But it's almost like some of this stuff is brushed aside if you see what I mean."

He doesn't sound like a very supportive husband at all.

Was it a joint decision to have three children in relatively quick succession?

You can always have counselling alone, if you wish to. I am guessing this would cost money and require someone to sit for the kids, so not an easy thing to organise, but you could if your dh is willing to support you.

" I thought he was just finding me irritating." Really he doesnt sound very nice to you, or could this be your anxieties talking?

I have have had OCD (mostly when much younger) and anxiety( Had CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for anxiety about the time I was meeting my dh and he knew about and accepted my anxieties).

"Do you think I can stop them entirely? Sometimes I feel like I can't control my own head and I'm going mad or something."

The CBT completely stopped my panic' attacks (they were quite mild) but my OCD (which was also quite mild) was never really tackled and I still feel the affects of it now. I do think you can be free of some of these things, ideally, but also some other things just need to be managed.

Things like adding ex girlsfriends to Facebook, who cares if he does that. If he wanted to have a relationship with one of them he'd have to get one who wanted to go back in time and date him again, he'd need to fit in with work and childcare, lots of effort and if he wanted to do all that he could do it without making them a Facebook friend! I think you can learn to control some of this, but it is not easy.

"I love him so much." I am sure you do, but if he is not willing to work out your relationship, for your sake, his own sake, and three young children's sakes, he is not worthy of that love, IMHO.

Thank you Italian. Your Facebook example has helped me a lot. I do try to think through the consequences and realise I've nothing to be anxious about but perhaps I let the therapy slip as I thought we were happy and now it's too late.

Yes it was a joint decision on the children. In fact he nagged me for quite a while when I said I was worried things felt rocky between us. That's also what I don't understand. How can he be asking for children one minute and leaving the next?

I know I can't do anything but wait and hope he can give me another chance but I'm just so frustrated with myself. I want to do all I can to work on it just in case he comes back.

I did think he understood my anxieties and was ok with them I guess. I'm scared I can't change. I've often wondered if the obsessive nature of my thoughts are bordering on OCD but when I mention that to anyone they are dismissed too.

I feel like counselling sometimes focuses on you and assumes you're not in the wrong and I guess I feel like I am and need someone to believe me and help me change those things.

I've been wondering whether I should start back on the SSRIs but I'm not sure they were that helpful. My husband used to complain I seemed emotionally withdrawn on them. I've even been looking at hypnotherapy and I'm not entirely convinced I even believe that works?! Am I clutching at straws?

I think I feel like I don't deserve him. Like I'm never deserved him.

He's a great catch. He's lovely and kind and clever and successful and handsome. And I feel like of course he'd want to be with someone else instead of me.

Now with what he's said about how I've affected him I think he would definitely never want to try again.

"How can he be asking for children one minute and leaving the next?"

Has one of you done the lion's share of the work with the kids; if so, who is that?

Has one of you had to put your career on hold to accommodate the kids; if so, who is that?

If the answer to either of these questions is "Yes, me." Then you can maybe see that the young children have impacted you a lot more than him.

How can he want kids/more kids and then contemplate leaving the next minute? I don't know, when you catch up to him you can ask him.

"I'm just so frustrated with myself" I really feel you should not be! He date and married you knowing the issues, and had three kids with you. If this has all snuck up on him he is a very unaware person!

If he has made all these changes and not discussed any of it with you he sounds very emotionally and practically unaware.

I know we only have your side of things but you are doing a good job of painting yourself as the villain, which I don't think you need to do.

Re "SSRIs"

I am not a medical person and had to look this up. IMVHO please speak to your GP. See if you can get a referral just for yourself for some sort of talking therapy and professional advice about medication if it is needed.

If you have a good GP these may be available for you and refer you on for help with any intrusive thoughts etc, depression or OCD type tendencies/thoughts or whatever you think may be the issue.

Maybe write down what the issues are for you. You do not need to diagnose yourself, this is what a specialist will do for you.

I have no idea if hypnotherapy works or not but I am considering medical hypnotherapy from a professional in relation to a different issue, so I do think it may work.

"My husband used to complain I seemed emotionally withdrawn on them." Bloody hell, who is emotionally withdrawn now! Sorry but your dh sounds really quite difficult to live with, demanding and not very understanding.

Sorry OP the more you say about him, the less I like him. If he doesn't want to come back just make sure he continues to parent, and pay for, his kids. Work on getting yourself well and finding things that make you happy.

As i said before, if he doesn't want to try again, he is a fool.

I must go to bed, OP look after yourself.