I've driven him away and don't know what to do

[sparklingruby]

My husband walked out on me a few weeks ago and has been refusing to talk. Tonight I managed to get him to open up.

He says that he believes he's changed himself too much in order to keep me happy. He says I'd get too jealous of too many things and to avoid arguments he would change his behaviours in order to keep me happy but now he feels he's changed too much of himself that he doesn't even feel like he is him anymore.

He says he doesn't know if it's possible for us to be together.

I was a bit shocked to be honest. I do have issues with intrusive thoughts and jealousy and I'm in therapy for these, but I wasn't aware of the changes he said he had been making to "keep me happy". I am upset because I never wanted him to feel like this and I wish he had told me how he felt before it came to this.

We have three very young children together who all just want their father back. I just want my husband back.

I've said I will do anything to make him feel he can return and I will change my behaviours and he knows I am working on these things. And I've asked for another chance but he says he's too detached and stressed and isn't sure he can.

I don't know what to do. I can't believe I've driven him away like this. I didn't even know he was changing his behaviours so much. I also feel angry he didn't tell me how he felt before he had to leave so we could have discussed this and I could have worked on any other things that needed working on.

An example he gave was not adding his ex girlfriends onto social media as he thought I'd be angry but that he did want to. And never using his laptop in case I asked to see it and look at his work emails. I honestly didn't know he did these things and I'm devastated.

Please does anyone have any advice?

Went through exactly the same thing OP. I could've written your post.
Try counselling together. Me and my STBX did and it was good for him to open up. Unfortunately there was also OW which kinda ended us. But anyway . . . (Not saying your DH has OW but definitely go to counselling).
Good luck!

We will try counselling together user. Thank you. It's good to hear it did help you. I'm sorry about the OW.

I'm a bit scared that during the joint counselling I am going to be pulled to shreds by the counsellor. I know I've done wrong and I'm trying to do anything I can to fix it. I think he's worried that even if I miraculously fix my problems he will be left having changed so much about himself he won't be able to unravel all of that.

Thank you for being so kind Italian.

I couldn't sleep all night. I'm a total mess.

He has agreed to couple counselling but won't agree whether he sees us having a future. At least this shows willing though.

I am hurt because he did know this about me before we married. But I guess he didn't realise how it would make him feel over time. I don't mean to paint myself as a villain. I'm just very down right now.

I fully accept the part I've played. He's not helped with the excessive drinking and not talking to me and telling me he's changing his actions all the time. And all the hiding and secrecy has just made me get worse over time. He also was pretty desperate for me to stay at home with the kids and I think that's caused me to become more fixated on his life as I'm so down and bored. I've often said I want to go back but he hasn't been supportive of that. We do have other problems but I guess the main one for him is me and my jealousy.

Sparkling if you have a good counsellor you will not be pulled to shreds. They will give both of you a chance to state your case and move forward as a couple.
Good luck!

I am so sorry you're going through this. None of us are perfect, but any two people in a long-term relationship need to be able to be understanding of each other's flaws and to give each other love and support. Your OH has let you down because he didn't have the decency to talk to you or suggest couples counselling before marching out. And his behaviour sounds horribly controlling and unsupportive to me. How can he walk out on 3 DC if he thinks you're in such a bad place? He needs to man up. Good luck 🌹

I think that the sooner you realise what a controlling selfish manchild he is, the better.

He wants children, but it's you who gives up work to look after them, and he won't discuss you returning to work? Why? If you want to go back then do it. You don't need his permission.

It sounds like he has got bored of having responsibilities and is or wants to shag around. Lovely that he's putting all the blame on you. You're jealous and insecure? I'm not suprised. Sounds like his life is fun and yours is drudgery.

Wants to add ex shags to fb? Is he 15?

With him gone, you can have control of your own life, look into going back to work, that will help you find your self worth. Work out possible childcare and look out for yourself and your kids.

He will come running back when he sees you don't need him. For your sake when he does, i hope you tell him to fuck off.

Thanks Karma

I agree. He shouldn't feel this way and I wasn't meaning to sound like I blamed him. Just confused as to why he did marry me if I was causing such a strain on him. I'm also confused by what I'm allowed and it's normal to feel jealous about. For example he had some nude photos of an ex on his computer which he told me about but didn't want to delete. This made me very jealous. Is that normal or is that not? I feel like I just don't know anymore.

Thank you Start.

I do wish we could work together and understand each other more. He is a workaholic and he drinks too much. I think we have problems beyond the jealousy but I guess he thinks my jealousy is one big thing that will never and can never change and that's the problem.

I think he probably is being selfish at the moment as he seemed to be suggesting he has had a sort of breakdown.

Iamnoangel, he believes it's best for the children if I'm at home and I did believe this too. I am just lonely and sad and feel like it's not helped me. So I often talk of going back to work and then he makes me feel bad and my own guilt then makes me feel like I don't want to. So it's not just him.

You are right I do need to build a life for myself. I've made him too much the centre of the universe and that must be hard for him to live up to. I also need something in life for me.

There are three sides to a story but the more
Op you are saying about your oh my gut is saying he is not innocent in all this.

If my oh had nude photos of his ex on his computer and refused to delete them I wouldn't be too impressed. That is very insensitive and hurtful to you.

There is more to this situation

don't rush or blame either side quickly hun.
you have almost an anxiety disorder here that you've struggled with for sooo long.that must be horrid for you eh.so like any other problem or illness we either manage a cure or we need lifelong help woth it.espceically these mental health kind of issues.they take time.maybe forever to deal with.its not meaning they will be shit forever.just leanring all the time to adapt to life and be happy in the mind your given.a mind more sensitive perhaps than other so you find your own way of coping with it.keeping it "sensible"and rational.
so blame is quite a hurting words isn't it,its more really unfortunate feeling has led to this.but you can get in ctrnol of them.your not the only one to live like this and many of those other live beautiful lives.
it might nt be the one your wishing for right now.it might change but it can be sorted to where your happy.please don't think just because its been up and down and gone and back again tha tyou can "find your happy place" you can.people have and do.
its good you can see how the way you are effects him but don't ground yourself down over it.we all deal withthings and some people cant.some can support us some people cant. you now have to work on where next.over time it might involve him or not but don't let your wellness rest on him and being together.for your happiness in any realtioship you need be well in yourself.
is there any other family meber to support you.someone on the outside that can be there for this.help you.
don't focus on whats gone wrong now.you both no.your both trying that's the main thing.
try on making the future better whatever it brings.
try to think of this instead hun.that wow how many more years you have.how many amazing memories.weird,joyous,turbulant memories.how many great things yuoll see watching ur kids grow up.how any new things there are for you to try.for thing to make you smile,laugh and gawp at.there is so much yet to come.focus on that focus on all you can be.

Staying at home with dc suits some parents and not others. It doesn't sound like it suits you. Maybe he should be the sahp and you work? Either way, dc don't care as long as their parents are happy. If you are sad and lonely then you are not happy.

You can't change his attitude or behaviour, but you can decide whether it is acceptable to you. I personally would not let my OH blame me for consequences of his selfish behaviour or put me down and take my self confidence away.

Only you can decide if you are worth more.

p.s you might just find that once you find your own happiness you dnt actually need him all u think you do if you mraking eachother this unhappy.as hard as that might seem to think bout right now.
because there sounds to be things on both sides that need working on.that not to say you might find it in eachother.arriages take hard work.but who knows.just try and get urself somewhere safe,supported and happy.for you.and those kiddies:)

Thank you everyone for your insight. It's really helping being able to talk to you all x

Having nude pics of an ex on his computer and not wanting to delete them is not normal, a grown ass man wanting to add his exes to Facebook not normal
You being upset about this is to my mind totally normal, I would be too
I feel you are giving yourself such a hard time needlessly
If this was my husband feeling anxious I would be doing everything in my power to alleviate his fears, I would have no problem allowing him access to my social media, laptop etc if it helped him
People who have nothing to hide don't hide anything
Stop blaming yourself and get angry, you are not all at fault here

Not deleting nude photos of an ex knowing you are 'supposedly jealous', now that's not right. OP, I'm skeptical about the men who behave like this, I reckon you should stop beating yourself up. Do a list, write down all the shit he's done to you and have a think. Maybe you're jealous for good reasons?

Oh and I doubt you've driven him away, more like he didn't discuss things and he walked away.

Sparklingruby,
This post was me 4 years ago.
I was an anxious, jealous mess. My little one was 2 months old.
Me and ex always had issues over my insecurity and jealousy. I tried my all to 'fix' myself.
Then one day, he upped and went while we were planning our wedding. Totally out the blue. He told me it was because he couldn't cope with me anymore and I pushed me away. I was devastated. I went to therapy, took meds, done anything to win him back. To save our family.
Then I found out he actually left me for someone he'd been seeing since I was pregnant.
So I basically re evaluated my life and plugged my all into my son and rediscovering who I WAS.
I still get bouts of anxiety and jealousy, but no where near as bad, the reason - my now dh is supportive and not cheating. Then when I was 'normal' (exes words) he wanted me back HELL NO. I realised how miserable I was.
I'm all for gut instinct.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, as cheesy as it sounds, you have to love you first. Just concentrate on you and your little family and I promise all will fall into place. Cut yourself some slack please xx

OP as Daisymay has said, please cut yourself some slack. Your partner shares responsibility for this relationship too. I'd be so annoyed and concerned at why he decided to hold on to nude photos of an ex! My thoughts would be 'aren't I enough for him?'. Does this make me paronoid and jealous? How about respect for your feelings if nothing else! Please try and breath and settle your thoughts today, stop shouldering all the blame. 💐

It does sound like it's for best. I do think he's been a bit spineless in not standing up to you in the past & letting it get to this stage.

Hmm; I'm not remotely the jealous type but wouldn't be thrilled at knowing my partner had nude photos of his ex on his computer he was refusing to delete.

Also, his insistence on you staying at home with the children rings several alarm bells. It sounds like there are serious issues here on both sides, so make sure you're not worn down into believing you're 100% at fault.

The photos were from a long time ago so he says it's nothing to do with now or how he feels now.

Is it not worth trying to fix it for our children if no one else Naze?

The reason I was a bit funny about one of his exes was that she emailed him when I was pregnant saying she had split from her husband and should never have left him etc etc. To me I took it as a plea for him to have her back and it scared me. But I appreciate I shouldn't just assume he would go back to her and that I should still trust him to want to be with me.

The problem is that I think maybe there are some instances where my jealousy might be valid and others where it's really not.

When you are not jealous does it really just not enter into your head that your husband might be looking at other women? or is it that I just do it too much or that you just don't ask them? Do people really never think this when they are secure/normal?

Hello op

Can I just ask when your anxiety started? Has it always been like this or did this manifest itself once in a relationship with him?

I've been in a relationship where I felt and acted the way you did. I realise now that it was in response to the way he made me feel. He stripped away my confidence and always made me feel everything was my fault. My anxiety, depression and jealousy got worse as I lost my self worth.

Could this be what us happening with you or have you always suffered with anxiety issues?

Hi bakewell,

I think I have a predisposition to anxiety but I have to say I've never had it to this degree before with previous partners.

My last partner was very abusive but in a totally different way which isn't relevant here. But I do wonder if I am so relieved to find someone who didn't hit me etc.

At the start of the relationship with my husband he was dating other people when i thought we were exclusive and this hurt me a lot. He said he was confused and unsure who to be with. Every since then I've had a mistrust of him on his phone.

But I honestly am not blaming him or my ex or anyone else. I know only I can be in control of my actions.

The cause of it feels like a moot point anyway. Where ever it has come from, I have it and can't seem to control it and now I've lost the man I really love.