I've driven him away and don't know what to do

[sparklingruby]

My husband walked out on me a few weeks ago and has been refusing to talk. Tonight I managed to get him to open up.

He says that he believes he's changed himself too much in order to keep me happy. He says I'd get too jealous of too many things and to avoid arguments he would change his behaviours in order to keep me happy but now he feels he's changed too much of himself that he doesn't even feel like he is him anymore.

He says he doesn't know if it's possible for us to be together.

I was a bit shocked to be honest. I do have issues with intrusive thoughts and jealousy and I'm in therapy for these, but I wasn't aware of the changes he said he had been making to "keep me happy". I am upset because I never wanted him to feel like this and I wish he had told me how he felt before it came to this.

We have three very young children together who all just want their father back. I just want my husband back.

I've said I will do anything to make him feel he can return and I will change my behaviours and he knows I am working on these things. And I've asked for another chance but he says he's too detached and stressed and isn't sure he can.

I don't know what to do. I can't believe I've driven him away like this. I didn't even know he was changing his behaviours so much. I also feel angry he didn't tell me how he felt before he had to leave so we could have discussed this and I could have worked on any other things that needed working on.

An example he gave was not adding his ex girlfriends onto social media as he thought I'd be angry but that he did want to. And never using his laptop in case I asked to see it and look at his work emails. I honestly didn't know he did these things and I'm devastated.

Please does anyone have any advice?

Oh op, the cause really isn't a moot point.

When we feel safe and secure in a relationship anxieties are far far less and more importantly, if they do raise their ugly heads, our partners can easily reassure us because we trust them.

You have a history of abuse and that will leave its scars but from what you have described, it seems that your DH has given you cause for concern over the years and not been supportive and quite dismissive of your feelings.

Do you really trust him? Seeing other women when you thought you were exclusive, keeping nude photos of exs, women contacting him to express their disappointment in leaving him, it all adds up over the years and adds to your anxiety.

On top of that he seems to have had more say and control over your decisions, when you had kids, whether you should go back to work etc.

All this will slowly erode your confidence and self of worth. You become desperate to please him but unable to control your emotions when he mentions that women at work again or that ex girlfriend who has been in touch. In a normal, supportive, loving relationship these things would not trigger your emotions but they do when you don't feel safe.

It is no way to live, constantly on edge. Whilst you have to work on your confidence you have to accept that he has had a role in the way you feel and I can see why your counsellor is trying to address what has been happening in your relationship.

I think you need to stop concentrating on how to get him back. You are signalling to him that you will do anything and if he is emotionally abusive, this will give him the green light to do whatever the hell he wants.

You need to concentrate on yourself and your children and let him go. Build up your confidence and address where your anxieties come from. Look for work, something for you that doesn't involve him and the kids. It isn't easy but you will gradually get stronger and gain more self worth.

Ironically this is sometimes when the DH wants to come back. Seeing you strong and confident will worry him. If you do take him back he also has to take responsibility for his role in the break up and how he made you feel. You may just find though that you don't want him back.

he nagged you to have children when you said you felt things were rocky between you?

i think you should research controlling/ abusive behaviours and see if in fact your partner ticks any of these boxes.

victims can often feel like they're in the wrong; they feel like they deserve poor treatment; like they deserve their husband to walk out on them. if they can only control their asking about ex-gfs, everything will be fine... you have the right to be anxious, to ask questions.

i am sorry but it sounds to me very much like you are in an abusive relationship, and you are not the abuser.

i think bakewelltarty your message is spot on

Yes curious, he really nagged about it. He had been asking for months. I was worried. I said I still had a lot of weight from previous baby and was worried about my hips as I had bad problems with them in the pregnancy before. I also said I wasn't sure it was a great time for us with some of the arguments we had been having.

He was most annoyed I wanted to lose weight as he said the amount I wanted to lose would take "forever". But he really wanted the baby and after a while I decided maybe weight didn't matter so much and perhaps the arguments weren't so bad after all.

Throughout the pregnancy he just then didn't seem interested. I couldn't understand it after asking for a baby for so long.

The heavy drinking started. He was having sometimes more than a bottle a night and then whenever he went out it was like he couldn't control himself. It was just such excess.

I caught him on the phone a couple of times in the night. Well, he woke me being loud and drunk at 4am and I went downstairs to see what was going on and he immediately hung up and deleted who it was from his phone. And that really worried me. Who would you be calling in the early hours and feel the need to hide so much? He says he had to hide it because of my jealousy even though it says he was always talking to a male friend.

It feels like a massive mess.

I know I shouldn't feel this anxious when he is just looking up girls on Facebook though. I know a lot of my jealousy is unreasonable and I need to fix that. Perhaps we are both bad to each other just in different ways.

Bakewell, he always tells me I need to let go of the past and that he has proven he is trustworthy now though. And I suppose I see he has a point. I can't hold a grudge about him forever. I'm not really sure if these things have clouded my judgement of him and are influencing my behaviour as a lot of these things did happen nearer the start of our relationship.

I've just remembered another thing, I was using his laptop - not snooping, he let me. And he had saved some images to his desktop by accident which I saw. They were photos from the adult work website. I was very upset as I thought that site was to look up escorts. He said he just looked at the free bits and using it as porn, and was just trying to find local people because he found that more exciting. But the fact he was interested in local people made me even more anxious as it felt more likely that he could have met them.

After this he basically says he doesn't look at any porn anymore. But seems to resent it like I've stopped him. Which maybe I have in a way, but I don't really agree with porn. I find it to be anti-women and just not very pleasant. But he will say this is my jealousy again. It's probably a bit of both to be fair.

He would also say that I'm not allowed to mention this if I tried to justify why I was worried about something similar. Because it happened so long ago and I need to let go.

A lot of the stuff we row about I do try to explain what in the past has caused my anxiety but I'm told I can't keep using it against him and it's in the past. I do see his point. But I struggle to forget things like this.

I think I do trust him. I trust him not to have an actual affair. But I don't trust him not to be lying to me about something. And a lot of panic comes from me trying to work out what it could be he's lying about when his behaviour seems odd to me.

Having read your thread OP I think it's pretty clear why your counsellor keeps wanting to talk about your DH and explore issues surrounding him. I trust my DH completely and have never had any issues with jealousy but I would have concerns about some of the things you describe.

I think you need to continue with the therapy and really try to listen to what they are asking you and go with it even if it isn't immediately obvious to you why they want to explore these things.

Your husband doesn't sound supportive, it doesn't sound as though he is very nice to you at all. I'm not surprised you don't feel secure in the relationship.

I stand by my original suspicion of "gaslighting". He's shifting his guilt onto you, and manipulating you into feeling that it is you who has a problem.
I suggest you need a space away from him and a supportive friend who will listen to you.
I may have missed it but whst kind of counselling do you have and how and why was it arranged?

I think his behaviour is causing your anxiety and jealousy. I wouldn't be happy about the nude pics and would wonder what else he's hiding when he says he doesnt feel he can use the laptop around you. hes turning all the blame onto to you. if u want to work i would want start looking for a job you may find once u regain your confidence you dont want him back or if u do its on your terms not his

OP your posts reminded me of a badge I had from Marvin in the HitchHikers Guide to the galaxy: Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you

To be honest I and no one over the internet can judge how much it is your "paranoia" and over reacting. Or how much is him being unreliable and abusive.

But don't accept all blame without question.
Talk to good friends and close family. Think about other relationships - are you jealous in them?

But overall is it worth trying to patch things up with someone like this? Wouldn't your children be happier with a fully functioning mother rather than one who is questioning herself all the time?
Sometimes it is much better to cut your loses.

Joely, my individual counselling was something I arranged and have had on and off while I dated him before we married. I arranged it because mainly I was anxious a lot and also because we had similar problems back then with him saying I was jealous. I stopped it for a bit and took it up again when he left me because I needed help with the break up. Things were good and I didn't need therapy for a while and then just before he left I started up again as I was worried I was regressing. It is TA based mainly although with a small amount of CBT.

The couple counselling is something we've not tried before and I think is CBT based and I set it up due to the fact he left. We've got our first session tonight.

Alfie, he's said he doesn't want me seeing his laptop as he does have some conversations on there where he's innocently joking around with colleagues and others and he thinks I will read more into it than there is.

It's interesting you say he said you were jealous? Were you? Or did he just say you were? Hard to remember, I know.
Ive had this done to me and lookong back years later its frightening how easily I fell for it.
I agree with mummytime. Talk to other people. Challenge this stuff. Be careful .

Thank you mummytime.

I'm not sure if they would be happier. But I think you're right that I am always questioning myself. Maybe I do need to try to just let go from him a bit and focus on the kids. I think I'm scared of being alone.

Is adding your ex girlfriends to your Facebook page really more important than living with your three very young children?

That's a ridiculous comparison and shows massive sexism. It is entirely normal to add exes to FB; a partner who would, on no other grounds, start interrogating you - as the OP admits she has done - is controlling and jealous and NOT normal. Men or women should not be doing this, men and women doing this create a climate of anxiety.

Is acting like Torquemada over his FB page more important than HER three children?

"My DH won't let me add my ex-BFs to my Facebook and demands to know all about them if I do"...that is abusive. It's controlling. And there would be nobody here assuming the OP was controlling in return.

People are really straining here to put the H in the wrong when the OP sounds like she has made him walk on eggshells and put him under huge strain.

Mrsdesiree - have you read the whole thread?

Op describes a man who carried on dating other women when she thought they were exclusive at the start of their relationship.

A man who keeps nude pictures of his ex girlfriends and won't delete them.

A man who has drunk to excess and made phone calls at 4 am and puts the phone down when OP walks into the room.

A man who won't let her see the laptop because there are messages where he is 'innocently' mucking about with other women

A man who admits to using Adullt work as porn as he finds the fact the women are local as a turn on

When OP expresses concern he calls her jealous and says she has to get over it.

On top of that he has a drinking problem and has been less than interested in OPs needs having three young children to look after.

OP - I wouldn't find any of the above acceptable and would be out of my mind with worry. I don't think you are overreacting. All these things add up over the years and He is manipulating you into thinking you are the one with the problem where actually he is not treating you with respect and is the cause of your anxiety.

How did your counselling go?

Op initially I was with your dh. I know how crap it is to have to alter your behaviour when you're innocent because of a jealous partner.

However, the more you explain, the more it sounds like your jealousy and mistrust is not unfounded. He sounds dodgy. I wouldn't trust him either. The pregnancy, sahm etc sounds controlling too.

Sparkling "I'm a bit scared that during the joint counselling I am going to be pulled to shreds by the counsellor."

If the counsellor does this to you, stop the session, demand your money back and make a big fucking fuss. The counsellor is there to help you not tear you to shred, "I know I've done wrong and I'm trying to do anything I can to fix it." I actually think the biggest danger is you will tear yourself to shreds! I think you need some assertiveness training. This is not all your fault.

" I think he's worried that even if I miraculously fix my problems he will be left having changed so much about himself he won't be able to unravel all of that." I am still not convinced he had managed to change so much and you, who clearly love him, have not noticed!

"I guess he didn't realise how it would make him feel over time." Yet he stayed married and kept having children with you...

"He's not helped with the excessive drinking and not talking to me and telling me he's changing his actions all the time. " Indeed that is all part of the problem, not helpful to a close relationship!

" And all the hiding and secrecy has just made me get worse over time. He also was pretty desperate for me to stay at home with the kids and I think that's caused me to become more fixated on his life as I'm so down and bored. I've often said I want to go back but he hasn't been supportive of that. We do have other problems but I guess the main one for him is me and my jealousy."

He sounds like a fucking nightmare OP. Honestly, he sounds pretty abusive, he wants you at home, despite you being bored and unhappy! What do you see in him?

KarmaNoMore I don;t think the OP is making excuses for herself, quite the opposite. I think she is trying to claim all the blame.

Totally agree with IAmNoAngel "I think that the sooner you realise what a controlling selfish manchild he is, the better."

"For example he had some nude photos of an ex on his computer which he told me about but didn't want to delete. This made me very jealous. Is that normal or is that not? I feel like I just don't know anymore."

YES it is normal to feel jealous about this.

NO it is not normal to want to keep naked photos of an ex on his phone. He sounds like a massive knob. I think you will be better off without him, he sounds awful. (Honestly)

"I am just lonely and sad and feel like it's not helped me. So I often talk of going back to work and then he makes me feel bad and my own guilt then makes me feel like I don't want to. So it's not just him." Actually the more you say it sounds like totally him!

"You are right I do need to build a life for myself. I've made him too much the centre of the universe and that must be hard for him to live up to. I also need something in life for me." Actually, he has made himself the centre of your world. He encouraged you to have kids and stay at home despite your not wanting this.

"Is it not worth trying to fix it for our children if no one else Naze? " your choice, but I don't think it is wise to stay for your kids. How many more kids is he planning? How long is he going to control you and your not going back to work etc? Honestly, please stop thinking this is your fault.

Ooppse, sorry, so long!

"the man I really love." what do you love about him? He sounds like a nightmare. Is he just better than a former partner who hit you? I wonder if you need to speak to women's aid?

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Bake speaks sense.

Looking up porn, looking up local people - what a prince!

"But he will say this is my jealousy again." YOU are right to be jealous. Get counselling for you. Please ditch this turnip.

MrsDesireeCarthorse "Is adding your ex girlfriends to your Facebook page really more important than living with your three very young children?

That's a ridiculous comparison and shows massive sexism."

What are you talking about?

"It is entirely normal to add exes to FB" No, it's not, it's possible to do it or not do it, and if my partner was very unhappy with my doing it I would not do it. I certainly would not walk out on my kids over the right to do it. It has nothing to do with sexism. It has to do with common sense!

"Is acting like Torquemada over his FB page more important than HER three children?" she has not walked out, he has, what is you are not understanding about this situation!

"People are really straining here to put the H in the wrong when the OP sounds like she has made him walk on eggshells and put him under huge strain." Clearly, clearly, this man is an abusive arse, I am not sure how much of this you have read but if you think he is an innocent victim you have not understood what the OP has written. I would say this whether the person with nude photos of exs, on their pc, and who walked out on their partner and kids was a man or a woman!

We have only heard one side, but from what the OP has said he sounds like a gaslighting toerag.

How are you OP?