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Original poster

Male friends having crushes on you

86 replies

IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 10:58

Have you had a male friend/s have a crush on you that interfered with or ruined the friendship? I have only had one best friend (of 7 years) who it turned out had a huge crush on me and was hoping for more than friendship. I felt as though every experience we'd shared was spoiled by this. I felt betrayed. The friendship didn't survive.

I have tried to be friends with men but I get the impression they want more than friendship. I'm not flirty or tactile and I'm very clear about who I'm interested in romantically. Can't think what I'm doing wrong. Or are some straight men unable to form platonic friendships with women?

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Timefortea99 · 16/08/2017 11:07

I think platonic friendships between the sexes are nigh on impossible.

I work with someone who I have no interest in whatsoever. Not only do I not find him attractive, I am married. I share an interest with him and I used to have interesting conversations with him, but without any frisson on both our parts. Or so I thought. I have recently noticed that he has become flirty, and some other male colleagues have winked at him when we are chatting. So, now I feel uncomfortable. But as I know I was resolutely not flirting, I actually feel really annoyed that a male ego has got in the way of what was a "innocent" relationship.

This has happened to me before.

It has put me right off of engaging with men, purely in case they think I am interested in them.

The male ego is an amazing thing. It defies all logic. A woman just does not have the same thought processes which is why it comes as a shock when you realise it was not platonic after all.

YellowAardvark · 16/08/2017 11:42

I think it depends on how close you are regarding how platonic you can be. I've had many male friends in a group setting or short catch up type thing/chat online every now and then and I think that's totally possible. But I have one friend that I am very close to, we share really personal information and see regularly one on one and it is starting to feel too complicated to continue. I don't know how he sees the friendship but I suspect if I don't ringfence things soon someone will get hurt me

ShatnersWig · 16/08/2017 11:51

I think platonic friendships between the sexes are nigh on impossible.

For you, perhaps. Not for others, necessarily.

I'm a man. My best friend of 11 years is female. If I listed my 10 closest friends, eight would be female, one of whom I have known 30 years, others 20 years. I have not kissed, slept with, lusted after any of them and I'm pretty sure they haven't lusted after me, either now I am long-term single or when I was with my partner for 11 years.

It's perfectly possible. I think it is much more common now for people to have friends of the opposite sex than it was 30+ years ago, when if you had a friend of the opposite sex they tended to be the wife or husband of the initial friend.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 16/08/2017 11:56

I think it depends on the person really. My best friend of nearly 20 years is male, we have both had crushes on each other in the past (when we were much younger) but our friendship was always more important to both of us.

We both laugh about it now and say how much better it is that we never tried to take things any further than friendship.

Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 11:59

Shatners let's be friends Grin in all seriousness I wish there were more men like you Wine

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Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 12:08

Timefortea speaking of male ego I told a (then) boyfriend about feeling betrayed by the situation with the non platonic friend and he said "why? I'd take it as an ego boost"....

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Emboo19 · 16/08/2017 12:14

I have three close male friends. One from nursery (my oldest friend) my mum is friends with his, nothing other than platonic between us and never has been, we went to different schools but have always kept in touch, he's really truly like a brother. One is my dp's brother but we were friends first, he had a bit of a crush when we first became friends (in high school) realised it wasn't going to happen and we've been friends since. The other is one of my dp's friends. I knew both him and dp as friends first though. We are genuinely just good friends who share interests.

Although they apparently had a conversation about who was going to ask me out initially.

I guess things and people change, but I'd be shocked if any of them ever declared feelings other than friendship. Although I can be a bit oblivious at times, so my dp says anyway.

ShatnersWig · 16/08/2017 12:15

IDo When I was at infants and primary school, my class was of 21 kids only 5 of whom were boys and two of them didn't even live in our small town. Therefore right from a very early age having friends who were girls was totally natural.

Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 12:18

Shatners that makes sense. Always thought that segregation based on gender (single sex schools for e.g.) causes unnecessary issues, your experience would seem to suggest that's true.

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ShatnersWig · 16/08/2017 12:32

IDo Mind you, also living in a small town meant I actually had friends of a very wide age range too. I can honestly say that even when I was 16 I had people in their 60s, 70s and 80s I would call friends, not just people I knew.

Maybe I'm just weird!

BR62Y · 16/08/2017 12:38

Surely it is possible for feelings to grow though isn't it. You start out as friends, get to know someone and feelings can develop. I guess it's not wrong to find you have feelings for someone even if not reciprocated. Isn't this how many relationships start, obviously with reciprocated feelings in this scenario

NellieUnkles · 16/08/2017 12:41

I think platonic friendships between the sexes are nigh on impossible.

That's both depressing as a belief, and untrue in my experience. Three of my closest friends are male. As regards two of them, if they've ever had a sexual impulse towards me, I've never noticed, and I've certainly never had one towards them, and am also friends with both their wives, though I know them less well. With the third man, I realised (when we had known each other for several years) that he was someone I would have had a relationship with had I been single, and that he felt the same way about me but as we were both happily married, it was just a brief moment of realisation 'Oh, there's someone I might have been happy with if circumstances were different' -- and things went on as before, without drama.

MistressDeeCee · 16/08/2017 12:42

Almost every male friend I've had, has either had a crush on me or - I know if I rang them up one night saying I was in need of male company, lonely etc they'd be round like a shot, dick at the ready. Par for the course re female/male friendships despite how people like to dress it up at times "I love my male friends I don't get on with women" yada yada...male friends aren't necessarily targetting you for a shag possibility but I guarantee they wouldn't refuse if offeredGrin . I eally wouldn't worry about it tbh. Friendships change and develop in life what can you do

NellieUnkles · 16/08/2017 12:43

X-posted with BR. But you don't have to act on the reciprocal feelings, though. It stands to reason that your friends, of either sex, are people you find attractive (in the most general sense) -- I don't see any reason to panic over discovering some morsel of attraction.

yetmorecrap · 16/08/2017 12:45

My ex husbands best friend used to pop round when he knew my H was on another shift, I never thought twice about it till one day just after he had 'popped in' he called me from a phone box to declare he loved me (before mobiles) I am now very cynical about over involved opposite sex 'friendships '

ShatnersWig · 16/08/2017 12:49

Mistress Have they actually told you that or do you just think really highly of yourself?

PlausibleSuit · 16/08/2017 13:00

75% of my close friends are women. I'm a gay man.

I do know how you feel, OP. There's no way of saying this without it sounding like a stealth boast but in the past I've been on the receiving end of unreciprocated feelings from friends. It happened a fair bit when I was in my teens and 20s. Like you, I'm not tactile or flirty. At all. Two of these situations in particular ended very badly and people got hurt. Once that cat is out of the bag, the friendship has to end, IMO.

Emboo19 · 16/08/2017 13:09

I don't think it has to end the friendship completely, unless they didn't respect that you don't feel the same way. As I said one in mine had a crush as first, he didn't want to lose me as a friend. We had a bit of a break in spending time together after he said something, but he's over it all now and we are just good friends (well and he's my DD's uncle!)

PNGirl · 16/08/2017 13:23

It happened to me a couple of times as a teenager. I shared interests with a few lads at college (sci-fi, Marvel comic stuff, horror films, music) and we became friends but it eventually transpired that my talking animatedly about them was being mistaken for enjoying their company to the point of being interested in a relationship.

I tend to be more cautious now. My male friends are usually acquaintances.

GrumpyGoose · 16/08/2017 13:34

When I was at school I thought my best male friend was coming onto me a bit much and all I wanted from him was a purely platonic friendship so I panicked and didn't know what to do so I pushed him away a bit. Turns out he was trying to come out to me as gay Blush still best friends to this day!

I actually can't think of any men who I have enough in common with to be close friends with. I have a couple of female friends and outside of that I tend to keep my circle pretty small in terms of close friends and no other guys made the cut I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 13:50

Shatners I've always had a wide age range of friends too due to being an emotionally mature child. I don't think it's odd at all but DM (narcissist) always told me it was.

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Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 13:52

BR62Y I suspect in my situation the feelings were there for him since day 1. Which I find an abuse of friendship as I didn't know and it cheapened all our friendship memories.

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Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 14:04

Plausible sorry to hear it went badly for you too. Since the 'best friend' I've had another male friend who acted towards me like he is completely in love with me (constant praise, presents, I can do no wrong and am wonderful). This friend knows about my bad experience and refuses to admit that he has any feelings towards me but has behaved extremely oddly when I've dated other men, in a way that can only be described as jealousy. I now don't trust him because it seems obvious he is lying (he has lied about other things I've found out about too) and that is just as bad. I've had to distance myself as I was getting bombarded with texts and messages on social media telling me how wonderful I am and after asking him to stop (it made me cringe) and him seemingly not being able to(!) I found not being in touch as much has been the only way to deal with him. Being 'adored' by someone you don't have a romantic interest in is a bit like being in a bunny boiler film... Confused

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Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 16/08/2017 14:05

I've spent my career in a male dominated environment and collected male friends along the way. The friendships revolved around work and did not involve each other's partners. We'd catch up for dinner a couple of times a year or so and I was always in the men and women can be friends camp. Until I separated from XH. I kid you not but all bar one came on to me offering to 'help me out' if I got a bit frustrated. All were married. I will lunch with male colleagues and go to group drinks but I will never court a platonic male friendship now.

Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 14:08

Beenthere that is awful. From our perspective we had friendships. Seemingly from theirs they were waiting for an opportunity to pounce. I feel for you Flowers (have actually had an ex say "all your male friends are just waiting around for a chance to shag you" which I thought was his insecurity but seems can happen!)

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