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Original poster

Male friends having crushes on you

86 replies

IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 10:58

Have you had a male friend/s have a crush on you that interfered with or ruined the friendship? I have only had one best friend (of 7 years) who it turned out had a huge crush on me and was hoping for more than friendship. I felt as though every experience we'd shared was spoiled by this. I felt betrayed. The friendship didn't survive.

I have tried to be friends with men but I get the impression they want more than friendship. I'm not flirty or tactile and I'm very clear about who I'm interested in romantically. Can't think what I'm doing wrong. Or are some straight men unable to form platonic friendships with women?

OP posts:
PlausibleSuit · 16/08/2017 14:29

I found not being in touch as much has been the only way to deal with him.

Sometimes the only way is to set clear boundaries, IDo. Showing jealousy when you date... forgive me, but this man doesn't sound very hinged.

Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 14:33

Plausible I've had more than my fair share of unhinged unwanted suitors... One even risked being battered by then boyfriend even insisting to him "I just want 5 minutes alone with her"! Another said they would 'cry' if they had to spend time with me and ex I had just got back together with. I have given them absolutely no come ons! I've had a huge crush on a friend myself but I kept it completely to myself as this was in a friendship group and he was in a relationship with a friend of mine. Why can't others just keep their feelings to themselves when it's obvious you're not interested...

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noego · 16/08/2017 16:09

I think platonic friendships between the sexes are nigh on impossible.

I have lots of platonic friendships so IME I can only say your comment is BS.

Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 16:14

noego not sure you can call BS on a PP commenting "I think" as it's their opinion, not a stated fact.

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MistressDeeCee · 16/08/2017 16:59

I was always in the men and women can be friends camp. Until I separated from XH. I kid you not but all bar one came on to me offering to 'help me out' if I got a bit frustrated. All were married.

Yep @ BeenThere

When I split with ExH years ago I had several sympathetic offers of "help" with anything I needed. Platonic male friends & 2 of his friends too...assorted married & single.. None of these men had ever come on to me before and particularly with my friends I've known them many years.

Men & women can be friends why not. But you offer sex - and they will take it. Thats the balance of m/f friendship. But if its friendship a woman isn't likely to pursue sex anyway so friendship remains as it is...

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 16/08/2017 17:03

My best friend in my early 20's was male. We were inseparable for about a year and I saw him as a kind of surrogate big brother. Eventually he confessed to feeling more for me than he'd let on and I really didn't know what to do with that. I distanced myself but eventually we talked things through, I told him as gently as I could that it was never going to happen and he assured me our friendship was the most important thing to him and the infatuation thing would pass and we'd laugh about it one day... and we tentatively resumed the friendship.

Three months later he found a girlfriend. I never heard from him again. A mutual friend told me that was more her doing than his, but I couldn't help feeling that he had no interest in me other than as a potential shag. Once that was definitely off the cards I was crossed off the list, and on to the next candidate...

Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 16/08/2017 17:07

MistressDeeCee I would respect these men more if they were honest about their intentions instead of dressing them up in fake offers of 'help'. I'm moving soon and even had a random bloke from a freegive site offer me 'help'... I politely ignored the offer but asked for the item he was offering to give me- he never replied. Tells you everything.

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Emboo19 · 16/08/2017 17:31

I'm feeling a little unshaggable offended now! Me and my dp had break for a while early on in our relationship and not one of my male friends came offering their services!

MistressDeeCee · 16/08/2017 20:38

DoDaChaCha Likewise - in a way! Im not sure how much respect I could have for men who swoop as soon as a woman is ""free" as it were. Your Freegive site creep man... I raise you a decorator who came with perfect references + a friend had worked with him - the day before he was due to come to mine to start decs I get a Whatsapp from him (Id forgotten adding his number to Contacts meant he could automatically add me on WhatsApp "Wow!! Love your profile pic you look hot!".

When I messaged back and told him I required decorating and didn't appreciate his unprofessional comments, he called me all the slut names under the sun. Id never even met him. But obviously as I need decorating done there's no man in the homecamp so fairgame, eh..

Told him I can't be a slut as I wouldn't fuck you with someone else's, creep. I was glad my brother was staying with me for couple of days, as it dawned on me this man has my address. Thankfully nothing happened..this was many years ago now.

But goes to show if we are single women we are automatically gagging for it aren't we, fat thin young old married single we'll take them all Confused

As for the male friends - I don't keep in touch anymore I say hi when I see them occasionally and thats it.

WinchestersInATardis · 16/08/2017 20:44

I've got a good number of male friends. No idea if any of them want to shag me. It's never come up, so I'm guessing not.

thestamp · 16/08/2017 20:57

My dp has many female friends and has never had an issue. But he has really strong boundaries and was taught from early on he has a duty not to harass/paw at women in general.

Personally, I can think of one straight male friend who has not ever hit on me. All others have hit on me at least a couple of times. I think one or two have had unrequited things for me. It can be really awkward and does make me sad because it means I have to sort of pull back quite a bit, to salvage the friendship.

I don't know what it is. Possibly because I was sexually abused as a child, I think that I can come across as flirtatious rather than friendly at times, my boundaries aren't great. It's unconscious on my part, but that doesn't mean it isn't a factor sadly.

Dp disagrees and says it's just that many men are taught that they're entitled to have sex with women. So they don't really "get" that they are responsible to keep distance from women who aren't actively/obviously seeking a sexual/romantic thing with them.

Could be it's something in between tbf

ImogenTubbs · 16/08/2017 21:40

This has happened to me quite a few times and when I have tried to let someone down gently they have never wanted to talk to me again. I became quite sad that men didn't want to be friends with me unless they thought they could date me and it made me quite suspicious of future male friendships. I also eventually got upset that everyone feels sorry for the rejected man and like I'm somehow responsible for their feelings. I felt like they projected a lot of their issues onto me and tried to make it my fault. I do think it's possible to have male/female platonic friendships, but only up to a point. It's not something I have ever managed to make work very well.

Carouselfish · 16/08/2017 21:57

Er, it's entirely possible. I'm a guy's girl. I get on and enjoy the company of men a lot more than women. Nothing to do with being into 'guy' type things really, I just get on with them more easily.
Just don't lead them on. Flirting with each other is absolutely fine but you have to know where to draw the line and the line for me was physical contact that might be construed as sexual. If that was ever in the air, ie. leaning in for a kiss or something, I'd tell them straight out that there was no chemistry between us at all and I had no intention of exploring that option with them. And that would be that. I rarely had to tell them twice.
I have a lot of 'player' type men as friends because I really enjoy giving them the girls' perspective and advice and hearing about their romantic lives (which they don't really talk about in the same way with their male friends) as well as knowing that while they're great mates, they are shitty bfs.

Carouselfish · 16/08/2017 22:00

Actually, I want to correct myself, leaning in for a kiss wasn't what normally happened, it was normally verbal. If it had got to the kiss stage, I'd probably have told myself that I hadn't been clear enough when there'd been more subtle signs they were heading that way.

dogfish1 · 16/08/2017 22:25

Am a straight bloke with several good female and gay male friends who have come on to me. I've gently made it clear that I'm not interested and the friendships have all continued. I've not written it down to the "female ego", the "gay ego" or any other flagrant stereotype. Men and women can be great friends and activity partners as long as they both understand what the limits are. Often one side will test those limits, probably the man most of the time as rmen more commonly take the initiative sexually. Nothing wrong with that as long as a the response is respected.

Meeting colleagues for dinner a few times a year does not constitute having male "friends"..

PastoralCare · 17/08/2017 03:09

It may not necessarily be the case that men have a strategic design to start a friendship with a woman in order to sleep with her.

However, if the situation arises, they might chose to play the card, of "oh since we are friends why don't we...?"

I think in many cases it's opportunistic rather than by design. They work under the (flawed?) assumption that for women friendship is a precondition to sex and so they think they have overcome that hurdle.

Gorgosparta · 17/08/2017 06:49

I have a couolr of male friends. Its very platonic.

However i have also had a couple of male friends that have started being weird. Started saying things like 'oh my wife thinks we are having an affair, i told her not to be stupid' and my instinct has to back off. Which then causes problems.

But to be fair i have had my fair share of female friendships go tits up at some point as well.

ImogenTubbs · 17/08/2017 06:51

I dunno, it hasn't been flirting for me, it's been proper declarations of love. Three or four times. I've never quite known how to deal with it, so when the friendship has fallen apart afterwards it's always been my 'fault' for not managing their hurt feelings properly. I've felt a bit burned by it. I don't have any close male friends now. My DH, on the other hand has quite a few good female friends and I have no suspicions about any of them (including his ex-gf who he's still really good friends with). Depends on the people, I guess.

Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 17/08/2017 07:42

MistressDeeCee I'd have rung the police. They would have read his messages and called him and told him to stop. That might scare him out of future disgusting behaviour. I (sadly) hear stories like yours all the time (the everyday sexism project for e.g.). I often wonder what the mothers of these men would think if they knew what their sons were doing to other women.

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Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 17/08/2017 07:45

thestamp your DP is right, it's their issue not yours. But how sad you lean towards blaming yourself. As so many women do Flowers what strikes me as outrageous is the idea that men need to be taught not to 'paw' at women. We are not chattels. Not any more!

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cm38 · 17/08/2017 07:51

Yes and it's happening now with a friend of mine. I do think though if there is any hint of either one liking the other then there can be problems, if not then no friends you'll stay.
I've known someone about 14 years, have little contact but he's started with comments that's aren't 'normal' for us and it's a bit awkward. He knows I'm with someone and he's married so I've just ignored.

Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 17/08/2017 07:51

Carouselfish

Just don't lead them on

The opening post clearly says I don't flirt or give any confusing signals. Can't help but feel a bit icky by the above comment. Like it's our responsibility to manage their behaviour. Reminds me a bit of cross examination on a rape case...

So, referring back to my opening post where I state I do not flirt, am not tactile etc- what's your view on that?

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Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 17/08/2017 07:55

dogfish1 interesting programme No More Boys and Girls on TV last night. Went to a primary school talking to boys and girls about gender. Vast majority of boys described themselves as 'the best', nearly all girls were insecure and one even described herself as 'ugly'. They are 7 years old. These 'flagrant stereotypes' reflect real life for most people. Can you really deny that? I don't think PP are trying to be abusive using 'male ego' comment, more descriptive of how things are. And sad at that.

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TheNaze73 · 17/08/2017 07:59

I think men & women can both have platonic friendships, without wanting to have a go on each other.
These friendships tend to end, when the male gets into a relationship & his new partner can't handle the jealousy. You read it time & time again on here. I do get your point though about boundaries. If there were two single people in a platonic relationship & if the female suggested sex as a one off, I believe most men would. Providing there were no expectations of a relationship afterwards.

Original poster
IDoDaChaCha · 17/08/2017 08:01

Gorgosparta yes, I've had female friendships go wrong too. But not because of sexual attraction unless they were gay/bi (that has happened a couple of times).

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