Siblings holiday time with widowed mother

[Lweji]

I need some advice and good ideas before I have a go at my sister and brother.

My dad passed out just over a year ago. Last year I spent some time with my mother over the holidays as did my brother.
This year, I've ended up spending 2 of 3 weeks holiday with her, which is fine. She needs the company and she's still adjusting.
What is making me angry is that neither my brother nor sister seem to have planned to spend any time with our mother.

It doesn't help that I had to convince my sister to attend the one year anniversary Mass for our dad (she didn't go to the 7 day or month Mass - it's a traditional thing and important to my mother) and my brother simply forgot!

I've asked them before what their holiday plans with mum were and neither even seem to have thought about it.

I'm divorced with one DS and they're both married with two kids, which I understand makes things more difficult for them and I wouldn't expect them to spend as much time with her, but surely a week is manageable? Even a few days.

And I'm sure my mother would have told me if they had made plans with her.

ATM we're spending a week at my mother's (and now a tiny bit ours) holiday flat, with two rooms.
My sister seems to have planned to come next week and has invited DS to come with them.
I'm itching to tell her that DS doesn't need (or particularly want) to come but that her mother would at least appreciate being asked before probably saying no to leave them more comfortable.

My parents basically did child care for my sister's elder and helped pay for the second's. They always had the grandchildren during their holidays, in later years with my help. They've spent nights at my brother's minding the children as both (doctors) worked nights or went away.

Any ideas on how to frame it so that there's no big fall out? Because, and for additional reasons, I don't think I can be particularly nice about it and I don't know how my sister would receive well even the best meaning of messages.
I'm really having to bite my tongue here and it's not healthy.

Worst case, I need to vent somewhere. I don't think they're treating her properly, and it's not fair on me either.
I don't want to let it be a habit that single sister will keep mum company.

Suggestion perhaps you could ask what plans there will be for visiting over Christmas and New Year and that you would like some of the visiting to be shared. Secondly, do you have any other family or friends or neighbours that can do some visiting too? How far do you all live?

Apologies if someone is unable to visit, are they able to phone, Skype, email, write, send pictures including from children. I am thinking about keeping the communication flowing from various people

I would be more direct, write to them and say you've noticed how lonely your mum is. Ask what kind of things they do regularly to keep in touch that you could "get ideas from" and say that you want to propose a calendar of trips / events for your mum to look forward to. It's easy for people to forget the loneliness that can follow months and years after a loss. Talk to your mum about it too so they know that they're doing it for her and not for you. They'll be less likely to cancel if they know it's her they're letting down.

Having a week / weekend away with each of you regularly to look forward to will really help. Say to them that you know everyone is busy so planning ahead will help everyone. You can phrase it really nicely but not give them the chance to opt out unless they're really selfish...

I think it really depends and these things come in cycles. Currently two of us live abroad and one sibling is in the U.K. He'll be with DM on her birthday this year. Long term, we plan to move close to where DM is geographically so likely I'll be her carer long term if she needed it. Your DM has only been widowed a short time and you're all still adjusting. Do what you can and what you feel comfortable with but remember that everyone has their own moral compass. Also, don't feel obliged to make up for your siblings' shortcomings. You've been more than generous with your time and thoughtfulness this last year.

Unfortunately, both your siblings sound a bit selfish, if they have taken advantage of a lot of childcare from your parents, and are not now trying to include your mum to give her company.
They do sound very busy though, and may struggle to find the time for family holidays /activities with mum. Has she expressed an interest in staying with them? Did your parents spend much time with your siblings families before (and not as childcare)? She may think she will be considered as partial childcare if she stayed with them?

Could you have a family meeting? Or just a meeting between you 3 siblings?

How old is your DS and why is sis inviting him without asking you first?! Does she want him there as company for her DC?

I'd also be encouraging your mum to find a circle of friends, hobbies, interests for herself.

My sister ended up doing more for my mum but practically/ realistically she had more time than me. I used annual leave etc when I had take mum to appointments, but my sister was part time. However it is easy for resentments to build so you're better addressing it. You do need a plan or compromise though, when I addressed this with my sister she refused to try a "rota" approach as it didn't suit her, but it would of suited me! So she still felt she was doing it all and I felt I was left doing what she couldn't be bothered with.

Thank you for all your thoughts.
We all live in or close to a small town.
Normally my mother has three of the grandchildren around during school time.
My sister usually goes to my mother for lunch during the week (she works locally), but my mother mentioned she doesn't get invited to my sister's over a weekend, for example.

I asked them both about holiday plans specifically with my mother when we all got together for my mother's birthday gathering.

On the actual birthday we had lunch (the women) and both said something thoughtless that hurt me. I told them at the end of the lunch in no uncertain terms, but politely, that they were wrong to say it and not to repeat what they said in front of me. My mother uncharacteristically apologised immediately, but not my sister, who stood there with an air of mild amusement. It was about DV and she not only knows my story as she's a psychologist, ffs.
Anyway, just to say that I don't feel close to her as I usually did and I'm definitely having trouble addressing this issue without letting everything else getting in the way.

DS is 12, and we all know that we would ask the children first if they want to do something. I'm fine with him going anywhere with them, he's the one who sometimes chooses not to. :)

My mother isn't the easiest of people for us to get along with, despite what she thinks :), but I've always been the one who clashes the most with her. We often bond complaining about her. This doesn't make things easier for them, but definitely not for me either.

So, I've done the nudge, in direct terms (my brother had understood it when I further approached him more explicitly), and feel that anything else will come across as judgemental.
I don't think we'll have another opportunity to speak the three of us now, but you're probably right that it's best as three. And we should make an effort to meet regularly.

But why is it assumed that you have to keep your mum company every summer?

Assuming you all have lives of your own, and visit regularly, why do you have to go on holiday, keep her company etc the rest of the time?

My mum was widowed 16 yrs ago, died last year so spent 14.5 yrs as a widow. She came on a caravan holiday with us the first year, then visits to dads brother some other years, but we didnt make holidaying with us a habit. She had friends for that, went out to social clubs etc, went on many holidays wih an old friend, or on coach trips.

We visited her as much as time and kids commitments allowed, she visited us and my DB, who doesnt work but still didnt go and provide company for her or take her away, she managed that herself.

I think the PP is right in that you need to encourage your mum to go out, make friends, socialise etc. Trying to make your siblings be her holiday companions will lead to a lot of resentment.

I'd also be encouraging your mum to find a circle of friends, hobbies, interests for herself.

Definitely have encouraged. And she says she'll join something this year. The problem is less during term time and more the holidays when the children prefer to stay at home and there's less to do or less people around.

My brother has less time but it's from additional work he takes on privately as a doctor.

My sister is doing a post-grad after work.
I work in higher education and it's not 9-5 either.
The issue here is what they choose to do when on holiday, less during normal times.

I went away for a week on my own and still felt she'd have liked to have been invited.
So I made a point of spending the following week with her.

Last year my mother had suggested us (me and her) renting a villa together for a week, and my sister had extended the idea to a month so that the children would be there the whole time and the adults at different times.
Nothing came of it and I ended up booking a week away for myself and DS.

This third week my mother sort of made herself invited. But I couldn't say no, as it's her flat. And it's fine because it's her first time back here and she needed to come.
So, my sister decides to come next week and doesn't even ask if she'd want to stay on when they come. My mother would probably say no as the sleeping arrangements would not be ideal. But apparently it's fine using your parents holiday place as long as the parent is not there.

Honestly, I don't think it is as much of an issue as you are making it out to be.

You all live close to each other and it sounds like they go to see her regularly.

I don't really see why everyone should be spending their holiday time with her too.

It sounds like you all have very busy lives, time off with children and partners is precious I really don't see why it should be spent with someone who 'isn't easy to get o n with' given that they already see her regularly.

If you feel that you need to that's up to you but I think it would be unfair to guilt your siblings into it.

Her friends are getting older, some have died and her best friend is recovering at a continued care unit.

My mother is 77, btw, and getting somewhat forgetful.

OP, reading your updates it sounds like your mum really has a lot of time with you all. it sounds like she's lonely on weekends / school holidays because she has so much time with people during term time, in which case they aren't doing that badly. Further, if she's not that easy to get on with unfortunately people do put barriers up around themselves and just do as much as they feel they ought to.

Compared to my mother who is widowed but we only see once a week or so due to distance (she also has dementia so can't make trips etc by herself) it sounds like your mum is very lucky to have you all so close by and it's not like your siblings are doing nothing.

The only thing I could add to would be perhaps each of you taking her somewhere once a year, and perhaps organising the occasional family Sunday lunch more often so she gets to see people on weekends. Other than that you can't force it and she's clearly not on her own. It sounds like you think their not doing quite so much is a reflection on your situation and background, which is usually something you're more worried about than they are?

I think you have to leave them to it. I also think you have to do what you want not what you feel you should do. Grief is a funny journey and one we all do differently.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere

Not all os us see her regularly, but, as I said it's more the holidays that are an issue.
The children are on school holidays here for 12, not 6 weeks.
And it's the contrast. We've always been a close family.
My parents brought the grandchildren on holiday for years, but now it seems my mother is discardable when she's a bit more work than useful.

Ah it's hard. You sound so very kind. Remember not to give too much of yourself too.

You all sound so busy, and to be honest your mum is very lucky to get even one family holiday compared to many whose kids might be living abroad or not earning enough for days off or holidays. I think you said that your sister spent lunchtimes with your mum in the week? To be honest I think that's a good contribution, perhaps focus your energy on your brother?

You all need some down time in holidays, and however lovely relatives are, spending time with them can be draining, I think you may be expecting a bit much for your mum to be constantly entertained all holidays. Especially as you hint she is a bit difficult. Perhaps in a cruel to be kind way a bit of alone time might be good for your mum too.

What helped my relative get going was to go with them to a WI or U3A class (rather than them come with you on holiday or a day out) and then get her chatting and then after a few weeks she was more confident and went herself. Then it spirals in a good way... A friend is made at the class, they now meet for coffee, they saw another class, they went, they made a new friend, there's a coach trip.... Etc. You just have to get going and my relative wasn't ready for this for a long while but now she hasn't looked back!

the issue here is what they choose to do when on holiday, less during normal times

To be frank if my sister tried to dictate what I did in my holidays I would be (and indeed was) highly pissed off. What they choose to do is their business and if if it doesn't include your mum - who you admit is hard to get on with - then that's their business.

You're coming across a bit priggish; presumably you've also stayed at the holiday place without your mum?

Now I think of it... If it's your mums holiday flat I recon the deal should be your mum sounds half of any holiday taken there by your sister.

Sorry, but I think you are creating unnecessary drama. It sounds like your siblings visit your mother regularly and she's sees plenty of the grandchildren. I don't see why not going on holiday with her is perceived and selfish and neglectful.

Maybe a more reasonable conversation would be about who might accompany her on holiday next year, as you spent a week with her this year. Expecting all three siblings to make holiday plans with her every year is excessive.

Spends not sounds sorry! After all it is a free? Holiday, if your sister doesn't want to do this that's OK but she goes on her own paid holiday instead.

It sounds like you think their not doing quite so much is a reflection on your situation and background, which is usually something you're more worried about than they are?

Not sure I understood what you meant.
Yes, I'm definitely more worried than they are. And yes, it's made me somewhat angry and resentful.

Indeed, thanks for the posts and different perspectives. It has helped even though I don't think I'm wrong in thinking that they should be doing a bit more at this time, at least.

I'm worried it would end up in a fallout that I don't want, or me distancing myself from them.

I have no inclination towards being the model child or a martyr. And would like some of the emotional pressure off my back. But I really don't want to see my mother feel abandoned.

You're coming across a bit priggish; presumably you've also stayed at the holiday place without your mum?

Nice.

I spent most Summer holidays recently in the flat with my parents while also with DS and two nephews. Then when my sister wanted to come my parents would leave. It's too many people and understandable to a point.
Last year I came and brought my two nephews as well. My mother didn't want to come as I was too raw then.

And it's two weeks I've spent with her this Summer.

No, I don't want to dictate anything to my siblings. But I feel they've taken advantage of my parents good will and are happy to ditch her when she needs them.

I could also tell my mother to ask them to spend time with her and get off my back. But she's already hurting they haven't.

Btw, she's not awful. And a week is perfectly manageable with her. :)

Your Dsis sees your DM weekly- that's quite a lot, and it seems odd that your DM feels these visits should be at the weekend instead.

You said that your DM is not an easy woman to get on with - I suspect the spouses may have vetoed a family holiday, and tbh I don't overly blame them, holiday times are precious and no point in having an uncomfortable time for everyone .

There's different ways to spend time with your DM, not just going on holiday with her. Do what you can but don't force or speak to the others unless it gets to the stage where your DM needs actual care giving.

Thanks winewolfhowls

She's spent two weeks with me during a 12 week school holiday. She's hardly being constantly entertained. On the contrary.
She's spent some time at her old family home and town, which has helped as she has old friends and acquaintances there.
Here too, but the inevitable conversions are about my dad and being a widow.

I think things will work out better once she gets past all the hurdles.

At least venting has helped and I'm more likely to not say anything else to my siblings.