Siblings holiday time with widowed mother

[Lweji]

I need some advice and good ideas before I have a go at my sister and brother.

My dad passed out just over a year ago. Last year I spent some time with my mother over the holidays as did my brother.
This year, I've ended up spending 2 of 3 weeks holiday with her, which is fine. She needs the company and she's still adjusting.
What is making me angry is that neither my brother nor sister seem to have planned to spend any time with our mother.

It doesn't help that I had to convince my sister to attend the one year anniversary Mass for our dad (she didn't go to the 7 day or month Mass - it's a traditional thing and important to my mother) and my brother simply forgot!

I've asked them before what their holiday plans with mum were and neither even seem to have thought about it.

I'm divorced with one DS and they're both married with two kids, which I understand makes things more difficult for them and I wouldn't expect them to spend as much time with her, but surely a week is manageable? Even a few days.

And I'm sure my mother would have told me if they had made plans with her.

ATM we're spending a week at my mother's (and now a tiny bit ours) holiday flat, with two rooms.
My sister seems to have planned to come next week and has invited DS to come with them.
I'm itching to tell her that DS doesn't need (or particularly want) to come but that her mother would at least appreciate being asked before probably saying no to leave them more comfortable.

My parents basically did child care for my sister's elder and helped pay for the second's. They always had the grandchildren during their holidays, in later years with my help. They've spent nights at my brother's minding the children as both (doctors) worked nights or went away.

Any ideas on how to frame it so that there's no big fall out? Because, and for additional reasons, I don't think I can be particularly nice about it and I don't know how my sister would receive well even the best meaning of messages.
I'm really having to bite my tongue here and it's not healthy.

Worst case, I need to vent somewhere. I don't think they're treating her properly, and it's not fair on me either.
I don't want to let it be a habit that single sister will keep mum company.

Do you all get equal holiday time throughout the year? You say your brother is a dr, sister psychologist and you work in higher ed. do you get more holiday time? I just know that as I have 13 weeks off a year but my sister has only 5, that if something happened to one of our parents, the main responsibility would land on me, simply because I have more time.

I think going forward you should all agree that you take it in turns to take your dmum on holiday each year. So you have done this year, another sibling can do next year and another the following. Same with Christmas - have a rota. Then you are all taking you equal share of care

You sound like a lovely kind daughter, but unfortunately you can't control other people's behaviour, particularly as this is a case of company rather than care. If their consciences tell them they are doing enough you are only going to get conflict by telling them otherwise.

You should spend as much time with your mum as you want to and forget about what your siblings do - that is their choice, not yours. You can't possibly think it is reasonable to dictate to other people who they spend their holidays with?

I also think you need to be encouraging your mum to make her own holiday plans with friends and social groups.

We all get the same holiday time.

Is your mother asking for this what reads as a lot of companionship? I think unfortunately you cannot make your siblings do what you do; and if your parents were only providing support to get reciprocal support then that should have been made clear.
Disclaimer- posting from a place of truculence as my DP boast about how little support they give me with my DC, due to hobbies and holidays, and making it clear that my struggling in the early days was 'funny'.

If their consciences tell them they are doing enough you are only going to get conflict by telling them otherwise.

I know. Which is why I have been trying not to tell them anything.
The problem is that I was getting angry (the early hours don't help) and that was part of the point of the thread.

Apologies for thread hijack!!

if your parents were only providing support to get reciprocal support then that should have been made clear.

Of course not. :) They liked spending time with the grandchildren. My mother doesn't mention it. It's just my observation.

My mum was not widowed but dumped after 30 years of marriage, so also ended up on her own. I allowed her to become dependent on me in a way that wasn't healthy for either of us - and it has caused huge problems for both of us over the years as she came to expect/demand things. Whenever I did anything with her that had a regular repeat, she took in invite to mean she was invited for life. We weren't allowed to change anything without a lot of upset.
We are now at the stage where she obsesses about not being invited to events - that aren't actually happening! And is in tears because we have a few hours on Xmas morning by ourselves - apparently this is an indicator we are cutting her out of our lives.
You should be there for your mum but please think carefully about the situation you are creating for yourself. There's more to support than just being there all the time - the best support is to help her create her own independent life.

shakeyourcaboose
Your parents sound great.

You should be there for your mum but please think carefully about the situation you are creating for yourself. There's more to support than just being there all the time - the best support is to help her create her own independent life.

Believe me, I am thinking of that and encouraging independence.
I've told her directly that she can't and shouldn't be dependent on her children for regular company.
That she needs to seek new people.
She's taken it on board, actually, although I know it required some effort on her part.

Lweji I'm sorry about your dad

I get where you're coming from, my brother hasn't bothered his hide with dad since mum died. He barely bothered when she was dying unless someone was there to pat him on the head for being there.

I've tried very hard to make sure dad is ok, and it feels like I'm the only sibling who does. It does cause resentment (we've never been close), because I feel he should want to be there for dad, not be forced to.

I think you're expecting too much of yourself and then trying to offload some of that expectation on your siblings.
Maybe you empathise more with your mum because you're kind of in the same boat, partner--wise?

Your mum wanting to have lunch with your sister at the weekend sounds like she wants to be surrounded by people again. Could you do a family brunch out one Sunday a month, perhaps?

Good luck - this is one part of my life I got horribly wrong. I thought I was being kind/a good daughter and what I actually did was turn DM into a demanding child who expected me to meet all her needs.
I recently went LC to stay sane. Not what I want, but it's finally got too much after 25 years.

I think it is honest to say that your siblings may not want to spend their holiday time with your mother. That may be hard to hear but possibly true.

They sound like they do visit her but people see holidays in very different ways. My mother has been widowed in the last 18 months and the relationship was already strained.

I am married (with a set of in-laws to consider), work full-time and have two children. We do not want to spend every festive holiday with my mother as we want some time to ourselves. We also have to offer my husband's family something and I am an only child. We can't be everywhere at once and we do not want to be.

I visit my mum alone and my family visits but every bit of spare time has ended up having to be 'accounted for'. We just want some time to actually rest and please ourselves. Me and DH won't apologize for that. The first two christmases were spent with my mum - and the first one I had to spend apart from my kids because I had to travel abroad to do it. Time with small children is precious as well.

I can't look to any siblings to share in the load. My mother has to be encouraged to be independent because she just doesn't want to make new friends or find hobbies. It is very frustrating and there is a lot of guilt. We are our own family unit as well.

Only do what you want to do with her. You can suggest to your siblings that it would be nice if they spend more time, but for the sake of good relations, that's all you can do here.

I found with my mum that creating routine (i.e. one meal a month) was actually a really bad thing to do because it meant that it became expected and if we couldn't make it she would be upset. I now avoid anything that looks like a routine because it creates a huge rod for my own back.

Agreeing with what AsleepAtMyDesk and others have posted about setting expectations

It's tempting to get regular things in place, but more helpful to keep yourself a bit in reserve, to deal with anything unexpected that crops up. Look out for volunteer run activities, which will give a structure to her week.

The trouble with taking her on holiday this year is that it will be expected every year. Which isn't a good precedent to be set if she's not that easy. Perhaps encourage them to do a few weekends instead - and for yourself in future.

It complicates things with the holiday flat. What about actually saying directly but mildly "I think mum might appreciate the invite more than ds needs it" then you've made the point gently but she can ignore it easily enough if she wants to.

"I think mum might appreciate the invite more than ds needs it"
I was thinking along those lines. The trick is not to make it sound like how I actually feel.

I don't particularly mind having the two weeks with my mum. Well, one would be better. :) Or more time than them. It's mostly that I seem to be the only one.

Oh, well.

You could say "yes ds can come but what about inviting mum instead. She might appreciate it more. What do you think?"

I might try that version.

If all the siblings visit/call etc weekly. I hoesntly don't see why a holiday with each is needed.

Me, dh and the kids get one week where we get to be our own little unit with no other commitments or anything just to be us. One week a year where we get to be selfish and just think of us and our kids not relatives, not work, not bills or anything. I wouldn't want to be giving up my one week a year when I visit every week, have some meals together etc.

Please stop feeling responsible for the way your siblings treat your DM. That way lies heartache. Do not get involved - just focus on yourself and what you can/want to do for her.

I think the point about distinguishing between nice companionship and essential health care is important. Companionship is optional. Keep your powder dry regarding your siblings until circumstances develop on the health care side of the fence. Take care to not wear out the "about mum" card, so to speak.

The suggestion above about transferring an invite is a very good idea.