Siblings holiday time with widowed mother

[Lweji]

I need some advice and good ideas before I have a go at my sister and brother.

My dad passed out just over a year ago. Last year I spent some time with my mother over the holidays as did my brother.
This year, I've ended up spending 2 of 3 weeks holiday with her, which is fine. She needs the company and she's still adjusting.
What is making me angry is that neither my brother nor sister seem to have planned to spend any time with our mother.

It doesn't help that I had to convince my sister to attend the one year anniversary Mass for our dad (she didn't go to the 7 day or month Mass - it's a traditional thing and important to my mother) and my brother simply forgot!

I've asked them before what their holiday plans with mum were and neither even seem to have thought about it.

I'm divorced with one DS and they're both married with two kids, which I understand makes things more difficult for them and I wouldn't expect them to spend as much time with her, but surely a week is manageable? Even a few days.

And I'm sure my mother would have told me if they had made plans with her.

ATM we're spending a week at my mother's (and now a tiny bit ours) holiday flat, with two rooms.
My sister seems to have planned to come next week and has invited DS to come with them.
I'm itching to tell her that DS doesn't need (or particularly want) to come but that her mother would at least appreciate being asked before probably saying no to leave them more comfortable.

My parents basically did child care for my sister's elder and helped pay for the second's. They always had the grandchildren during their holidays, in later years with my help. They've spent nights at my brother's minding the children as both (doctors) worked nights or went away.

Any ideas on how to frame it so that there's no big fall out? Because, and for additional reasons, I don't think I can be particularly nice about it and I don't know how my sister would receive well even the best meaning of messages.
I'm really having to bite my tongue here and it's not healthy.

Worst case, I need to vent somewhere. I don't think they're treating her properly, and it's not fair on me either.
I don't want to let it be a habit that single sister will keep mum company.

Actually, AsleepAtMyDesk, that's a very good point about expectation. My fil is always a bit off with dh if dh has to change an arrangement. Fil tends to be quite rigid in his thinking.

This is right
just focus on yourself and what you can/want to do for her.

The problem is that I can do more, but I'm afraid I'll end up doing more than my "fair share". I also don't want looking like I'm taking over or becoming a "favourite", IYSWIM.

I suppose that when she complains or says she's lonely I can tell her to talk to them and tell them how she feels too. I'm not sure they realise it or just don't care/put it out of their minds.

I also get the point of the one week to ourselves. I got this already.
I also get that they have the other side of the family to spend time with. But then I also get little respite as a single parent.

I think that your DM is very lucky to have family and friends that live close. I think that you should do as much as you feel that you can. But you need to maintain your own life too. Perhaps your brothers and sisters think that they are doing enough
.

Does she realise she's being a burden?

It is tricky, and it will get more complicated as she gets older. It is useful to have expectations as to what needs to be done and by whom as well as what you all collectively feel should be done and who should be responsible.

I am of the age where this is becoming a topic of conversation among my friends and I. Expectations differ and are influenced by financial, work, marriage, children, as well as the family situation and expectation of spouses. No one sees things from the perspective of the other and much goes unsaid or assumed. I am sure that everyone feels the responsibility is unfairly shared.

it's a mine field, good luck navigating it!!

anotherdayanothersquabble

That's right. A friend of mine has her mother at home when she shouldn't need to.

Btw, she's not exactly a burden. :)
She usually has the grandchildren at home during the week term time and is happy to cook for them. She cooks the lunch with my sister.
She's supportive where she can. It's mostly that she can't drive.
We have places where to have a holiday for free thanks to her and my dad's work and initiative.

Well, ended up ringing my sister and it all came out blurting.

She had texted my mother the last week saying the water was warm. It felt like rubbing it on her face.

When I rang, I mentioned the water and then said it was a shame our mother wasn't there to enjoy it. She replied she could have stayed there. It was not possible because she had fallen ill and if she had stayed she'd be alone anyway.
But she was never even invited at any point.
At some point she said they'd have nowhere to sleep there if her mother was there. I replied they could sleep in the living room as I had when their kids were there at the same time.
And then she said something about me calling her to ruin her day. It was not pretty after that.
I told her that I hoped with all my heart that she'd never see herself alone and her two sons not spending any time with her for 12 weeks. That most other people did spend holiday time with their widowed parents.
That our mother was very sad and disappointed with both of them and that my holidays were also spoilt because I was feeling really angry with them.
And ended it saying that I was hanging up because there was nothing she could say about it.

Damn. But at least it's out.

I'm still stunned that her main concern was that "her day had been spoilt". Fuck that.

I find previous posts harsh!

Your mum is only one year widowed. My mum is 3 years and is still heartbroken and doesn't demand company but is very appreciative of it. In my experience it is easier for her during the week but weekends and holidays are hard and long when friends and family have their own plans.

OP I live in the same country as my mum, about an hour away, so see her often either at her house or ours. My two siblings live in another country so I don't expect the same from them but I do expect them to plan their holidays for the year to include time spent with her. Which they have no problem doing.

My parents did a lot for us and gave us a lovely upbringing so I would never begrudge my mum the time and sometimes inconvenience.

I think your siblings are being unreasonable and are hugely lacking empathy. Keep up your good relationship with your mum and try not to allow yourself to feel bitter (although I would totally understand you feeling that way).

OP, if your intention is that your siblings lean in, then I think you are going the wrong way about it. You are not responsible for arranging a social life for your mum. My MIL - mid 80s - came on a family holiday with us shortly after she was widowed, but since then she has made her own arrangements. Day to day, she does voluntary work and goes out with friends. As she has got older we do see her more frequently, both brothers see her once a week / fortnight, with wider family staying sometimes. Of course, when she has been poorly, people visit every day (100 mile plus round trip for us). Presumably your siblings' families have other parents to visit / care for and want some time with their own (nuclear) family.

Thanks paddypants

It's exactly the holiday time that it's worse. It doesn't help that effectively everybody else seems to find time to spend with their parents here.
Even with other commitments, I'd feel very sad if my DS couldn't find one week or even a few days to spend with me. Or even invite or say they'd like to but they can't.

I've sent a message suggesting we should talk properly after the holidays. I hope they accept it.

I agree with the op that if you want your siblings to help out then guilt tripping them is the wrong way to go about it.

I can't remember, but has your mum actually said she's hurt at not being invited or are you just projecting all of these feelings onto the situation?

I don't want them to help out. I want them to feel responsible too. :)

If you can think of how to phrase it without sounding like it's guilt tripping, then I'd really appreciate it. Seriously.

And, yes, she said she is hurt, sad, disappointed.

I agree with the majority. I think your anger is a bit puzzling. I've just read through all the posts, and have come away with the impression that your siblings are involved, and do see your Mum regularly.

I can see it might be nice if you want to take your Mum on holiday with you, but I don't think there should be any expectation there. Maybe their partners don't really want to give a week of their holidays to taking their MiL away. Why not point her in the direction of activities (and even holidays) with other older folk in her position?

You cannot force them to care about your mothers welfare in the same way you do.

Not the same way.
And a lot less regularly now that she isn't as useful to them. That is the main point.