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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a good phrase to use when hes being a martyr.

60 replies

hannahbananna · 15/08/2017 15:56

DH and I have 2 under 3 and tbh find it hard. We're a bit old, in our mid forties, and we're just a bit too knackered tbh. Zero family support. Baby wakes every two hours and we alternate settling her so we're both operating on about three hrs sleep each. It's relentless. Oh and did I mention we're in the middle of a house move??! The stress is huge, the problem is that I hide my stress, but he revels in it!

We have no social life, no outlet, we fall into bed exhausted at 8.30 and are asleep by 9.30 (before baby wakes up again at 10.30!)

But when DH does something for himself (rare) I try to be really cheerful so he never feels guilty about it.

When I do something for myself (also rare) I come home to the sighing martyr with a migraine (he really does get them in fairness, he's on Sumatriptin).

Today I went shopping for dresses for a wedding in a city two hours away with my friend. Toddler was in nursery so he had the baby. Not that bad! I left at 9.30 and was back by 2.30.

The baby hadn't napped and it had been a fraught couple of hours and he had to put her in the car and drive around and it hadn't worked and she was screaming and look I'm sure it was bloody stressful, of course it was.

BUT he was quiet, drawn, depressed, morose, the atmosphere was hushed and suffering.......he asked if I had a nice time but I was so flipping annoyed that he was playing the dying swan that I've hardly spoken to him since.

Am I unreasonable to want him to fake it a bit???

Is there a phrase I can use to puncture his Martyrdom without sounding passive aggressive myself or sounding just plain agressive?

I'm going to this wedding on Saturday and his mother is staying here to help him with the two kids (mainly bedtimes as they're hard going). I dread how "tired" he's going to be on Sunday. Angry

OP posts:
Golondrina · 15/08/2017 16:00

How about "stop being such a fucking martyr"?

NotInMyBackYard1 · 15/08/2017 16:00

When my DH is in the midst of a little self-pitying monologue I raise my hand and say 'oh what's that noise can you hear it?" he replies 'No?'
I say 'its a tiny violin' Grin
Tbh he normally calls me an arse, we have a laugh and move on. But if your Dh genuinely is depressed, he won't laugh. Has he seen a GP?

Anecdoche · 15/08/2017 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Golondrina · 15/08/2017 16:03

Notinmybackyard Grin

I think such twattery and drama llama behaviour needs calling out tbh.

Original poster
hannahbananna · 15/08/2017 16:06

In fairness at the moment the childcare is 50/50 as he's off work for the summer. I honestly can't say hand on heart that he does even an hour less. Even when hes working he tries to do 50/50. He has no hobbies, no pub, nothing but the kids.

So we are both genuinely tired. But I seem to handle it better. Or hide it better!

OP posts:
Original poster
hannahbananna · 15/08/2017 16:07

He is a drama llama. He totally is.

Fucking hell it annoys me.

OP posts:
Ropsleybunny · 15/08/2017 16:07

How about "stop being such a fucking martyr"?

Exactly!

TieGrr · 15/08/2017 16:10

Get off the cross?

Dervel · 15/08/2017 16:13

It might be 50/50 with the childcare, but you are being expected to manage his mental state in a way he's not expected to with yours.

HelenaJustina · 15/08/2017 16:15

'What's that smell? Can you smell that?'
'No, what is it?'
'Burning flesh'

Maverick66 · 15/08/2017 16:17

Suck it up buttercup Grin

littlewoollypervert · 15/08/2017 16:19

TieGrr "Get off the cross, we need the wood!" was the phrase I heard in my childhood. Had forgotten it, thanks for reminding me!

RainyApril · 15/08/2017 16:19

He is being a martyr but I think getting your dc into a better sleep routine, and carving out some free time each week, should be the main focus. I know it's easier said than done, but might it be possible?

Avebury · 15/08/2017 16:26

Can I suggest doing a full night on/full night off split while neither of you have to get up for work? Everything feels different when you have had a decent stretch of sleep.

SpicyTomatos · 15/08/2017 16:33

It's interesting how the advice differs between mums and dads on mumsnet. It is possible that he is actually depressed and that a quick bit of ridiculing won't really help.

Note that you are also playing the martyr in your post (sacrificing yourself by pretending to be happy for his sake etc.)

TatianaLarina · 15/08/2017 16:34

I smell burning matyr.

Can afford a bit of help with childcare?

eddielizzard · 15/08/2017 16:39

you both need time. we used to give each other a lie in on the weekend and a couple of hours. makes you feel human again. every week.

one foot in front of the other. it does get easier i promise. in a few years you won't know yourself (i know it sounds like a life sentence!)

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 15/08/2017 16:46

I'd probably be reluctant to have any mean or sarcastic comments. Kids are hard work and some people just handle it better. Can't you just encourage him to do something for himself to have time out too? Maybe a conversation about both of you needing that time out to refresh. I know exactly what you mean about the way he is acting, my OH does it too. It makes you feel bad for leaving them alone to deal with everything and then a bit resentful because you should be able to leave them to it sometimes!

StatelessPrincess · 15/08/2017 16:47

Although his attitude is rubbish it does sound crap to be honest. Try some kind of sleep training and getting into a better routine and then things might improve. He's acting miserable because he is, lots of people are when they have no social life etc. Looking after small children doesn't need to be so painful.

Original poster
hannahbananna · 15/08/2017 16:52

But that's the thing, this morning was meant to be "my time" but his furrowed noble suffering brow makes me feel what's the point?

He's not suffering from depression, he's always been someone who just finds it hard to keep stress in proportion so seems to feel things very acutely. He had a normal day with a baby, FFS!

And it's not even that he was alone with her because he frequently takes her out alone and enjoys it. It's that he wanted all the "Awwwww poor you! Whilst Ive been swanning about Zara going trololol!" bollocks. Nope. Not doing it.

That said, all of these responses are far too cutting for him and would probably sound really unhelpfully snarky and OTT in real life. I do love the bones of him, I'm aware I'm lucky. I'm currently in the loo doing a wee (Tmi) and he's cooking dinner. He also did two loads of washing and pegged out and folded and put away whilst I was gone.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 15/08/2017 16:59

This is bringing back long forgotten memories for me.

It is effing annoying isn't it?

Can you talk about it sometime when you are both in a good mood? Would he be responsive and willing to change do you think?

The violin thing may work for some and is great but it sounds like he might need a softer attack!

SeaCabbage · 15/08/2017 17:00

PS If you explain with the scenario today of it completely spoiling your morning off - might he get it? How does he take criticism?

RainyApril · 15/08/2017 17:10

Well if he's a good guy surely you can tell him that it takes the shine off your 'time out' when you return to his pitiful attitude, that you rush home because you're worried about leaving him, that he's not doing you a favour by looking after his own dc.

Either he knows he's doing it, for sympathy or as manipulation - in which case you've called him on it.

Or he'll be genuinely surprised because it's his natural demeanour, no martyrdom intended, in which case any guilt is in your head and can be studiously ignored next time.

RosaDeZoett · 15/08/2017 17:17

Can I just say, don't wonder if it's worth taking time to yourself, it IS worth it. Don't let him guilt you out of it. This was a mistake I made, oh made such a song and dance and sulked for a few days if I had a day off. So eventually I totally gave up my hobby. It was a mistake that I have since rectified .
I have no real advice other than to keep insisting on time to yourself, and ignore his pouting. It won't stop him, but it's important for you. (both) to have a break.

DeleteOrDecay · 15/08/2017 17:41

His mum is coming to help with bedtimes whilst you're away? Sorry but I'm very Hmm at that. He's a grown man, if you can manage to take care of them on your own then surely he can too.

He sounds like a bit of a man-child in that respect.

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