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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a good phrase to use when hes being a martyr.

60 replies

hannahbananna · 15/08/2017 15:56

DH and I have 2 under 3 and tbh find it hard. We're a bit old, in our mid forties, and we're just a bit too knackered tbh. Zero family support. Baby wakes every two hours and we alternate settling her so we're both operating on about three hrs sleep each. It's relentless. Oh and did I mention we're in the middle of a house move??! The stress is huge, the problem is that I hide my stress, but he revels in it!

We have no social life, no outlet, we fall into bed exhausted at 8.30 and are asleep by 9.30 (before baby wakes up again at 10.30!)

But when DH does something for himself (rare) I try to be really cheerful so he never feels guilty about it.

When I do something for myself (also rare) I come home to the sighing martyr with a migraine (he really does get them in fairness, he's on Sumatriptin).

Today I went shopping for dresses for a wedding in a city two hours away with my friend. Toddler was in nursery so he had the baby. Not that bad! I left at 9.30 and was back by 2.30.

The baby hadn't napped and it had been a fraught couple of hours and he had to put her in the car and drive around and it hadn't worked and she was screaming and look I'm sure it was bloody stressful, of course it was.

BUT he was quiet, drawn, depressed, morose, the atmosphere was hushed and suffering.......he asked if I had a nice time but I was so flipping annoyed that he was playing the dying swan that I've hardly spoken to him since.

Am I unreasonable to want him to fake it a bit???

Is there a phrase I can use to puncture his Martyrdom without sounding passive aggressive myself or sounding just plain agressive?

I'm going to this wedding on Saturday and his mother is staying here to help him with the two kids (mainly bedtimes as they're hard going). I dread how "tired" he's going to be on Sunday. Angry

OP posts:
Vonklump · 15/08/2017 17:44

Tell him in a neutral time how it makes you feel.

Original poster
hannahbananna · 15/08/2017 17:49

Well in fairness nighttimes are a fucking nightmare at the moment cos they both go at the same time but need completely different approaches cos of the age difference. Usually we take one each and meet back after an hour!

Turns out he's mainly stressed cos he has prep for going back to work in September and he's not able to get it done. We have house stuff tomorrow so he won't get anything done then either. Then I'm away on Saturday so he won't get anything done then either. So it seems that's been the big stressor.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/08/2017 17:49

"I'd feel sorry for you, but it looks as if you're doing enough of that for both of us"

"I'd feel sorry for you but I'm too busy, you know, getting on with life."

"Yeah, life sucks and then you die"

"Deal with it, asshole."

Fucking HATE male martyrism, especially when it's about the things we as wives/mums just take in our stride as 'part of the deal'.

Original poster
hannahbananna · 15/08/2017 17:51

Oh and he has some meeting next week where he has to show how much he's prepared and he's frightened he's going to just be completely unprepared.

OP posts:
PlaymobilPirate · 15/08/2017 17:51

I agree with Vonk. Wait till a neutral time and explain that he took the shine off your rare, much needed time off.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/08/2017 18:01

I'd completely ignore any whining. Don't engage with tales of how hard it was, don't ask about the furrowed brow, just carry on as if all was well.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/08/2017 18:11

Less effort to say, "It's knackering isn't it?" or somesuch. And acknowledge it is heavy going without giving away how annoying he's being.
Then briskly change topic.
I found our airing cupboard was a good place for a silent scream.

Joysmum · 15/08/2017 18:23

If you go sarky like people have suggested, you raise the stakes. That's not a great idea Hmm

Your choice, either you want it to stop or you think having a pop at him is more important.

Personally I'd go down the line if having a chat when you're both at your best. Pointing out that you support his time for himself and not once have you insert his behaviour here as you know how important time away is. Now you'd appreciate the same consideration because even though you've not shown it, times when he's been out of the situation have been just as hard.

Saucysausages · 15/08/2017 18:31

TBH id look for an night nanny or sleep trainer , in north london u get them for 2-3 nights

What's killing you both is tje sleep (and your age & ages of the kids)

If sleep / getting to sleep was ok, you'd kill most of the issues

You can change it. I know people hate gina ford but it does work with normal weight average temperament babies.

WingsofNylon · 15/08/2017 18:36

Maybe he was after more of an 'God you must be knackered. Getting some time out was really good for me so I appreciate it. Have you decided when you are next doing/seeing X?

It is an acknowledgment that he didnt have an enjoyable time but a reminder of the positives of it (you benefited) and finally drawing it back round the the bigger picture of the reciprocal nature of a relationship - and a reminder that you will be there to offer that same respite back.

He isnt doing you a favour and you certainly dont need to shower him with gratitude but a few kind words might just work. No other tactic has worked yet so you may as well try it.

Isetan · 15/08/2017 18:36

Your response is the pay off for his martyrdom, so ignore him and don't give him his fix. Disengage.

Original poster
hannahbananna · 15/08/2017 19:04

Well I said something and it didn't go down well.

He has a face like a wet weekend through dinner but after we had struggled the kids into their pyjamas his mood switched to bright n breezy. I said why are you suddenly all happy? He said cos the end is near with bedtime and cos I was there and it's SO HARD when he's doing it alone. And I said well I have to be out sometimes and he said when did I say you couldn't? And I said softly that when I came back today I kinda felt like he was punishing me a bit.... and he got really annoyed and said "I didn't say anything! I'm the bad guy now am I?" He was really pissed off.

So anyway he said I made him sound like a monster. And I said that if he went to a football match that I would never play the dying swan when he got back cos I would know how shit it would make him feel.

From his perspective he minded the baby, did shitloads of housework whilst I trotted round Zara and I'm still not happy.

Am I in the wrong here? Should I have said nothing? Should I apologise?

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 15/08/2017 19:09

NO. Absolutely not. I could deal with many things but I absolutely couldn't tolerate not being allowed to talk about something that bothered me.

whoositer · 15/08/2017 20:10

I know you said he's not depressed, but maybe try again to talk to him about his mental health - it will work both ways, hopefully flush out anything that is there or make him realise how much his behaviour is affecting you if you're at the point where you're suggesting he needs help?

WingsofNylon · 15/08/2017 21:13

I do sort of see his point. He shouldn't try to make you feel bad but you don't seem at all appreciative. You are both being defensive probably because of the pattern of it. What is so wrong with admitting that he had a shit day so that you could have a good one? Granted, if he carried on after theat he would be unreasonable.

One of you needs to break the pattern. You should both thank each other for any help given but also you should both give help in good grace and kindness.

DoubleCarrick · 15/08/2017 21:29

Just out of interest, how appreciative are you? I'm currently on ML and DS is really really fucking hard at the moment. He's been unwell and is teething. Even though DH pulls his weight and it's fair, sometimes I appreciate from him the acknowledgement that I'm finding it tough.

I'm away this weekend and have already expressed to DH that I know he's going to have a tough time but that I appreciate it. Not that I should be indebted to him looking after his own son, but I guess it's nice to feel appreciated, even for something which is a minimum requirement.

I'm only guessing. Maybe it's a tactic to make him feel better about his "sacrifice"?

junebirthdaygirl · 15/08/2017 23:10

Could you go to bed at 8.30 ..he do the first shift staying up until 12 then you take the night shift. Swap over following week. At least you would get more sleep together.
Its tough going but will get better.
I would just joke with him and his miserable face saying...poor Tom are you exhausted?? Smiling away and not bothering to take it on board.

Maelstrop · 15/08/2017 23:25

You need another chat with him. If he's a teacher, he has three more weeks left and to be fair, how much prep does he need to do? Does he need to sit and do results analysis (this takes ages) this week and next? A levels are this Thursday, aren't they? Can you talk about him setting aside some time for him to work and make yourself scarce or have a lovely DH out with the DC?

I certainly wouldn't be playing Mrs Cheerful when he comes back no you've had a hard day: be truthful with one another.

Dollypartonsbra · 15/08/2017 23:33

As per PP it's the fatigue talking.
Acknowledge how hard it is alone and you know because leaves you too. You both need an outlet or you'll both blow.
Controversial but sleep training really works. Happier babies during the day.
Baby Whisperer?
Feel for you both Flowers

ephemeralfairy · 16/08/2017 02:03

'Get off the cross, we need the wood'

That made me fair piss meself Grin

my personal fave is 'martyrdom is so 13th century'

KickAssAngel · 16/08/2017 02:22

He takes himself far too seriously. I'm a teacher and I never pulled faces because I looked after DD and had to get stuff ready over the summer. DH worked FT, often away for weeks at a time, and I just got on with it (without a mother who would help). There's nothing magical about being a parent or a teacher. Thousands of people manage it every day without deliberately upsetting their partners because of it. Does he expect a medal?

btw - if he's having a meeting where he needs to show his prep, why? Is he having problems at work? Unless he's in senior management he doesn't have to attend meetings over the summer. I can only think of that happening for someone who was either still training, or having problems. So maybe there's more stress going on that he's letting you know.

It does sound like you need to sort out the routine a bit more and/or shift how you deal with nights, as this isn't a good plan long term. If you get a break and both get a bit more sleep, then would be a good time to talk about this again. If in all other ways he's a good husband/father, then this isn't a deal breaker. Maybe now you've pointed it out he'll think about it some more.

Original poster
hannahbananna · 16/08/2017 08:15

Thanks all, he's senior and it's a training initiative (without being too specific). But he was only asked last week to prepare something and it's not much notice and unexpected.

We had another chat. He admitted he had been passive aggressive and he apologised. It turns out that it was because when my friend said we were going at 9, he suggested 11 instead as then he could get some work done before we went. But I never even pushed back on my friend to see if that was feasible. He was hurt by that. I felt terrible and apologised. My friend is overbearing and I'm just conditioned to go along with her plans but I should have pushed back.

We talked loads, we both promised to be more sensitive and we both felt loads better afterwards. Today I'm going to take the baby and he can do as much work as possible (house stuff that can't be changed but he might be able to get work done this morning).

Last night I said I'd do thr whole night but he still got up at her 1am wake up even though I woke up too, I think he was trying to make up for the row! I did the 2.30/4.30/5am wake ups though. Then he got up with her at 6.30.

Her sleep is atrocious. She's almost a year. That's another story as we don't feed her or anything. It's a sleep regression that's lasted the last 2 months. I've posted in the Sleep board several times to no avail. They just say to co-sleep which hasn't worked. Another reason I'm tense going to a wedding and am driving home at midnight. God knows what her night will be like and I want to be there to help.

Anyway I'm waffling now. Thanks for all the support, I guess I'm glad I got to the bottom of it and we were able to.communicate better in the end.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 16/08/2017 08:22

If just pretend not to notice and keep a cheery demeanour.
Can't bear this type of behaviour front an adult.

justwhatineed · 16/08/2017 08:41

I asked my husband if he was on his period when he was in full martyrdom mode. It definitely broke the tension Grin

Holidayhooray · 16/08/2017 08:51

Today I went shopping for dresses for a wedding in a city two hours away with my friend. Toddler was in nursery so he had the baby. Not that bad! I left at 9.30 and was back by 2.30.

So four hour round trip. That left you only only hour shopping between 11.30-12.30. Really?!