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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can a woman fancy/love a dead beat Dad?

65 replies

donners312 · 15/08/2017 09:50

I just don't get it - i just couldn't respect a man who wouldn't pay for his children?

Do they just believe the lies (I love my kids, do anything for my kids etc)

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 15/08/2017 09:53

Yeah of course they believe the lies, and/or have never really had much interest in children in general so aren't sure how things usually work, or sometimes they're self centred and controlling themselves and it suits her that he only has time and attention for her children.

Peanutbuttercheese · 15/08/2017 09:53

Because some women and men are desperate for a relationship and literally anything will do inc deadbeat Dads. Possibly a self esteem issue.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 15/08/2017 09:56

They're not deadbeat dads who won't pay for/see their children. They're poor hard done to loving fathers whose psycho exes use the children as weapons because he left because he didn't love his ex anymore couldn't put up with her abuse/cheating/laziness/psycho behaviour. He WANTS to see his kids, he'd do anything for them but the nasty bitter ex won't let him. Don't contact her on his behalf though cos she'll just tell you lies about him cheating/being abusive/being a deal partner and dad. Also don't mention taking it to court cos he can't afford it/doesn't want to put the kids through it/it'll make it worse.

RockyBird · 15/08/2017 09:57

Low self esteem

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2017 09:58

The guy tends to love bomb the new partner in the beginning and slag off the old partner. If you believe the praise, you have to believe the criticism. Of course what happens is that the new partner then starts to get criticised and realises exactly what was going on.

Kr1stina · 15/08/2017 10:01

What Doesanyone said. Exactly right.

Mesgegra · 15/08/2017 10:13

low self-esteem.

My xh's new gf is a accountant but her self-esteem must be in the gutter like mine was when I met him. She stays with him because he's got a nice big period house and no mortgage in a lovely part of London. She must admire my balls now though. I left with nothing. Just walked off. I bet she knows now that I am not crazy.

debbs77 · 15/08/2017 10:22

No idea. My ex husband's wife said to me "but if he pays you maintenance, we won't be able to borrow more for our mortgage"

Says everything Really !

Original poster

donners312 · 15/08/2017 10:30

does anyonesaid- yes that is bloody brllliant and exactly right!!

Debbs - i cannot believe that what sort of woman, seriously!!

My ex tells everyone he was left with nothing and i got the lot but he doesn't mind because all he cares about is the children (reality is- emptied every penny from bank account and i got nothing)

Never paid maintenance because he is not legally obligated to (works abroad but says he would be 'happy' to pay CMS minimum if working in UK) he doesn't seem t think he is doing anything wrong sure she must know this?

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 15/08/2017 10:30

People want to believe the best of someone they are interested in so it doesn't take much convincing to believe lies and half truths. A new partner will always show the best side of themselves which makes lies an a poor me / psycho ex seem plausible.

debbs77 · 15/08/2017 10:33

Donners312.....absurd isn't It! But I guess that's the kind of woman she is! (Mistress......no morals!)

PinkHeart5911 · 15/08/2017 10:40

I couldn't be with someone that treated his child badly either (I.e not seeing it or paying for it etc) As a parent I just don't understand how anyone could not want to see and look after the child.

I think some women are just stupid and believe he'd never do it to them. I had a friend get with a guy who had children he didn't see and my friend said when she fell pregnant "He won't do it to me becuase I am not like her" baby wasn't even 6 months old when he left and he's had no contact since

some really believe the crazy ex stories (of course some will be crazy but not the majority)

Some women are just so desperate for a relationship they just don't care

Original poster

donners312 · 15/08/2017 10:41

debbs - yes I get the OW story and how people fall for that crap 9we were in love etc) but i could not love a man who seriously said i would rather pay for a house than my children ? It would just put me off them. Equally if i was a man and met a woman who said that it would put me off her.

Plus don't these people think 'if he treats his own kids like that how will he treat me when i need him?"

OP posts:

GetAHaircutCarl · 15/08/2017 10:45

These men can be plausible.

The ex is always terrible. No redeeming features. She stops him seeing his children as much as he'd like. If he gave her money she'd only 'spend it on herself.'

The new woman is 'the love of my life'. He wished he met her years ago. They should have a baby.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 15/08/2017 10:47

With my ex and his wife I think it is a combination of things, she is equally controlling so it suits her that ex does less than the bare minimum with our dc.
Also a big chunk of the he wouldn't do that to me because I am not like her because he did a good job in the early days of making me out to be a total psycho ex even though he managed to drop himself in it more than once by letting her listen in on phone calls and his lies being uncovered.
He is still a useless lying good for nothing husband and father and she is more than welcome to him. On the surface we get on well but she thinks she is so much better than be and I think she is to faced but I am also prepared to be a good example to the dc and keep up the pleasantries.

Mari50 · 15/08/2017 10:50

Haha, it's like all of you have met my ex- esp doesanyone

DamnSummerCold · 15/08/2017 10:50

What Doesanyone said x100

And of course they're different, he'd never do the same to her 'cause he really luv's her......

Yes there are some men out there who are been deliberately kept from their child, I don't doubt it, I know one, but he continues to pay child maintenance; and takes her to court everytime she breaks the contact order.

But for that one guy there are 100's out there who just walk away; and spout the script that DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings wrote.

SarahH12 · 15/08/2017 10:56

I'll hold my hands up and admit I loved (thankfully past tense) a deadbeat dad. I believed his lies, that he was trying his best but his ex was evil and wouldn't allow him as much access etc. Admittedly his ex is a bit crazy and a control freak but he's worse. I think also I always kept thinking he would change. I also thought he would never do that to me, we would be different. I think I was young and naive - no excuse I know. We were TTC at one point and I thank God I didn't get pregnant. I think part of it also was I fell in love with his DS and knew if I ended the relationship I would never see him again and that was really tough going.
Honestly I see now that he is the most pathetic excuse of a human being I've ever met who never wants to take responsibility for himself, his son and everything that's ever gone wrong in his life. I just hope he grows up before his son realises how awful he is, no child should have to learn that about their parents.

I'm now with somebody who pays his way, never badmouths his DD's mother, has a (for the most part) good working relationship with his ex and sees his DD as much as possible. This has really highlighted how blooming awful my ex really was tbh.

Original poster

donners312 · 15/08/2017 11:03

thanks Sarah - its interesting to see it from someone who has been theres point of view.

I have a friend who is getting divorced she was originally the OW. Anyway 10 years on of course he has done the same to her and she is in so much pain and although of course i feel sorry for her and it is awful i also think of it from first wife point of view and she must have seen this coming and been waiting for it for the past ten years.

OP posts:

HoHoHoHo · 15/08/2017 11:14

You could just as easily ask why women chose to procreate with irresponsible deadbeat men in the first place. I'm guessing your exes current partners have fallen for their charm and excuses in the same way that you did.

GetAHaircutCarl · 15/08/2017 11:17

ho if they haven't already got children it would be hard to spot their form I guess?

One of my family members married a man who turned out to be a deadbeat. But it was hard to tell from the off.

He was young, seemingly nice. Wanted to marry and have a family. His wife had nothing to go on.

His current wife however must know what he did to his first and what a shocking dad he is to his daughter. But

delilahbucket · 15/08/2017 11:21

Having been that person in the relationship it is very easy to believe the lies at first. It's only when said dead beat dad starts to emotionally and physically abuse you that you start to think the stories about his shitty ex who hurt her kids and gambled all the money she got, were just lies. It's too late by that point. You already have a kid with the guy yourself and there seems to be no way to get rid of him.
This man is on to his next girlfriend, they have two kids together. He told everyone I used to beat him up daily and cheated on him. This is what he told me about his ex, when I think the reverse was true, as it was when he was with me. I bet the current girlfriend knows exactly what he's like, but she's trapped like I was. I was lucky, I had a job and the house was mine, I just needed the guts to not believe his threats and get him out.

WavingNotDrowning · 15/08/2017 11:25

yeah they believe the lies. My exh tells his gf that I won't let him see the children and he'd love to be more involved. I stop him parenting apparently

Then when he does (rarely) have the kids, he's disney dad of the century.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 15/08/2017 11:31

Kids from 'train wreck' families grow into adults from 'train wreck' families.

They then meet each other because coming from a 'train wreck' family is something they have in common. They then start a family either by accident or design and the whole cycle starts again.

One of the things I've learned from MN is that men who are vociferous about how they've been let down by the mother of their children and don't get to see the kids because of HER is that he is full of shit.

Mesgegra · 15/08/2017 11:38

My mum and dad were married but they never let us express a thought or a need or a minor rebellion of any description. I was shushed and told off if I didn't play the part of obedient considerate daughter. So trainwreck families can look like mum, dad, white picket fence. My X his mum and his dad lived in married hell and he was a taker and I was the giver. trainwreck, and not a divorce or a separation or a custody battle on my side, nor on his til he was 19.

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