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Original poster

How can a woman fancy/love a dead beat Dad?

65 replies

donners312 · 15/08/2017 09:50

I just don't get it - i just couldn't respect a man who wouldn't pay for his children?

Do they just believe the lies (I love my kids, do anything for my kids etc)

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 15/08/2017 11:41

Some women will swallow any old shit, that gets said.

Mesgegra · 15/08/2017 11:42

Debs777 that is funny. Sort of. Like the first chapter of Sense and Sensibility. Mrs Dashwoods all over the place 200 years on.

GetAHaircutCarl · 15/08/2017 11:44

It's also interesting how sometimes the families collude in the BS.

I went to a wedding and someone told me the groom had a 15 year old son he didn't see.

When my face went like this Shock, the bride's family jumped in to explain how it was 'for the best'.

Funnily enough, they're now divorced.

ibbleobbleblackbubble · 15/08/2017 11:47

Hormones
limerence
love is blind
sunk cost fallacy
All kinds of mechanisms can feed into these situations.....

MorrisZapp · 15/08/2017 11:47

Totally agree with Hohoho. It feels wrong to slate women for falling for your twat of an ex when presumably you also fell for him enough to have kids.

I quite often see posters here furious that new girlfriends can't see what a shit their ex is. It doesn't make logical sense.

GetAHaircutCarl · 15/08/2017 11:48

Because these men didn't have children.

ibbleobbleblackbubble · 15/08/2017 11:48

Don't forget playing old fashioned naivety
some people really do just believe what others tell them because they're young and innocent

Mesgegra · 15/08/2017 11:56

True ibble, my family were very straight laced and controlling but they never ever did things like shout or scream, no physical aggression - ever. I naively thought that men treated you like shit if you met them in a night club and slept with them too soon because that is what my mother had raised me to believe. I did not know that you could be in a relationship with somebody who'd treat you like shit when you had not done anything to ''deserve'' it. I see now my family was totally dysfunctional in its own way and that I used to equate having no needs with being nice. But yeh, when you're 20 something and clueless and well-meaning and you're a Nice Girl and a caretaker type, a giver, and you play by The Rules as you understood them, it was a shock to end up being treated like shit by a taker.

Now i understand so much more than I did but too late to pick a good father for your children after they're born. That made me sad for a long time.

Mesgegra · 15/08/2017 11:57

That's true as well getahaircut I didn't watch my x fight the mother of his children in court to avoid paying maintenance Hmm. The woman who watched that, twice, is still with him!

chips4teaplease · 15/08/2017 12:00

It's the way his hair curls against his collar.
I'm only guessing. But I think that might be it.

ibbleobbleblackbubble · 15/08/2017 12:18

I was so Naive up to the age of 45 or so
What a fool I've been😶

HoHoHoHo · 15/08/2017 12:36

I doubt any of these men go on a first date and declare that they don't pay maintenance and can't be bothered to see the kids. I bet they talk with tears in their eyes about how their cruel ex won't let him see his children. I bet they allude to the vast sums of money you are demanding to live a life of luxury. I can imagine some variation on "she left me with huge credit card bills".

You fell for his bullshit so it stands to reason that someone else will.

schoolmummy · 15/08/2017 13:11

My ex 's wife is just happy He is not seeing his son even though he pays maintenance. Her son gets to have two dads while our DS is left high and dry Hmm.

Afterthestorm · 15/08/2017 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ibbleobbleblackbubble · 15/08/2017 13:12

What a fucking bitch schoolmummy☹️

HoHoHoHo · 15/08/2017 13:47

Afterthestorm I'm not victim blaming. I'm doing the opposite. I'm saying that the new partners are also victims of his lies.

HoHoHoHo · 15/08/2017 13:51

In fact blaming the new partner for not seeing he is a deadbeat dad sounds a bit like victim blaming to me.

BR62Y · 15/08/2017 13:57

Because when it comes to love, men and relationships, some women can be incredibly stupid.

schoolmummy · 15/08/2017 13:59

A very controlling and jealous one at that @ibbleobbleblackbubble ☹️☹️

MorrisZapp · 15/08/2017 14:16

Agree, it's victim blaming to have a go at the new partners who fall for the same guy that you did.

bullyingadvice2017 · 15/08/2017 14:46

My daughters dad tried to make me look like a nutter by having his gf listen to phone calls. I dropped a few clangers in there that I knew he would then have to come up with a explanation for. She is welcome to him but good luck to her, she will need it when she finally tries to dump him and realises about his stalking tendencies! At least whilst he's with her he's leaving us alone mostly!

Mesgegra · 15/08/2017 15:03

Oh I've no axe to grind with my x's new gf! I'm grateful to her. His aunt said to me a while ago that I need have no worries about her [when dc at their house] and I thought (but didn't say) oh you have no idea, the presence of any other human being is a witness. I find that reassuring. She couldn't be worse than him. He's a narc and a taker and I'm sure like me she is an empath and a caretaker/giver type. Those two types attract sadly - for the giver.

Afterthestorm · 15/08/2017 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeavenlyEyes · 15/08/2017 18:30

My ex pedalled all the shit to the ow and she believed him - she was vulnerable and desperate - and if he hated me that much and didn't see his dc then the ow was assured he would not see me and be 'tempted' to come back. Yep I fell for his sob story aged 20 when I was naive and stupid, would I fail for that old horseshit as a cynical 40 year old? Not a chance. I think many ow see themselves as the rescuer, put these poor men together after years in an unhappy marriage. He only stayed for the kids, to protect them from their vile mother, etc. He is a fecking hero quite frankly and now the OW can fix him and be his one true love etc...

OrphanAccount · 15/08/2017 18:39

I don't get it either. My ex is pretty awful (though not in the same league as some) pays the minimum maintenance the CSA (or whoever they are now) deems acceptable but not a penny more. Sees the kids EOW if it's convenient for him, but acts like he's doing me a massive favour. Never phones them- not even on their birthday. Doesn't go to parents evening or school plays or sports days ever. In fact, he has only ever set foot in their school twice.

And yet. He has a new girlfriend. She seems nice, she's pretty and intelligent and has a good job. I honestly cannot fathom what she sees in him. Confused I'm guessing he must have fed her the script outlined above. I have a sinking feeling she'll find out what he's really like in about 10 years when she's had a couple of kids with him. I did.