How can a woman fancy/love a dead beat Dad?

[donners312]

I just don't get it - i just couldn't respect a man who wouldn't pay for his children?

Do they just believe the lies (I love my kids, do anything for my kids etc)

No idea. My ex's new wife seems like a lovely, intelligent woman. He stopped seeing our dc's (then 11&8 roughly) early on in their relationship. They've gone on to have 2 children together, the 2nd of which ds found out about when the child was already 8 months old.

The mind boggles tbh

I think that entering into a relationship with someone who had you as the OW for a significant amount of time requires an ability to ignore bad behaviour from your partner. They know their partner is a serial cheat and lacks the courage to end a relationship before looking elsewhere. Not all partners of deadbeat dads were OW though.

I love seeing DP with his girls and I don't think I would be with him if he didn't take care of his children. Having said that before I met him I always said I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who had children so love can do funny things!

I am in this situation and have to post carefully as ex-h knows I am on here and given I am currently being threatened by OW with legal action for defamation as somebody found out that she'd had an affair with my ex-h and it's a blight on her reputation! . This is despite the fact my ex-h admitted his affair with her and it was on that basis I was granted my divorce. My ex husband doesn't see DS anymore, aged 6 with ASD. I intially stopped contact after ex-h accused me of abusing our son and tried to coerce him into telling others that I had. I also saw him punch OW's puppy square in the face outside my house because it was jumping up and this prompted DS to tell me of other incidences of kicking, hitting and throwing the dog and the dog crying out. It's a much longer and more complicated story, however, I have tried literally everything to move the situation along. Mediation, counselling, CAF at school, asked him to make an application to court, so on and so forth but nothing. Interestingly, on every occasion we have made any progress, OW instructs a solicitor with wild accusations that haven't happened. She then dis-instructs and moves onto the next. I believe she uses the letters to "demonstrate" what an awful person I am to her friends and family but I doubt very much they ever get to see my responses or know that she does this repeatedly. I think she thinks I want him back. She couldn't be more wrong if she tried...I couldn't think of anything more revolting or stomach turning, he was a prolific cheat I have since discovered. What I don't get is that this woman was widowed, started her relationship with my husband very very shortly after hers was killed (allegedly), her son has lost his father, but she has been quite happy to see my son lose his father because she needed him more to deal with her "grief and trauma". So, her son has a new daddy, my son, however, can go to hell it seems. I cannot imagine wanting to be with or being with somebody who doesn't see their children or conversely, with somebody who doesn't give a shit about your own child. I know all the usual would have happened, I was a terrible wife, it was all awful, it really really wasn't. We'd had a very tough time after DS's birth and I had PND, but it wasn't how he has described. He was also having sex with us both right up to leaving which meant I had to be STI checked and it was just bloody disgusting. We'd been together for 14 years. The post by WhatDoes resonated hugely. Nail on head. Indeed recently, I had a bit of a flirtation with somebody who complained that having his children every two weeks was "knackering" and he "couldn't wait for them to go home". That was the end of that as far as I was concerned. His ex wife is doing everything for the rest of the time and he couldn't cope with two nights every two weeks. Oh do fuck off. It's all the same old shit, different day. The truth of the matter is that all these women will find themselves in the same boat one day. I've seen it happen in my own life. I can't fathom any of it and never will. OW is welcome to my ex, she really has nothing to fear from me, but her behaviour towards my son is unforgiveable.

Hi donners you seem to be okish at the mo?

I agree the OW have been hook line and sunk - combine that with their own dissatisfaction that their own DH was not a high flyer (as in my case) their greed and lack of integrity and stupidity and you can see why they believe the bullshit they are fed! I met my OW so I know the stupidity is real and there must also be some degree of smugness to them too. I have also seen proof that I am referred to as the twisted wife!

mes you have got the situation spot on - they went to a "sense and sensibility" ball and the X is dressed up as Mr Dashwood for all the twitter world to see!

I have just collected my DS today from a week's holiday with X, OW and her kids - he was distraught on the phone and has been crying all day - he is 16 - the reality of having to leave his school because the X claims he can no longer afford to pay is hitting home. The luxury holiday home with private swimming pool somehow doesn't tally. I am extremely worried about my DS - he has previously had suicidal thoughts. He told me he was upset on holiday and when I asked what his father did he told me he doesn't care. It broke my heart to see him so upset.

My Dd ( also 16 - twin) has asked her father for some money to buy clothes for college - I think she asked for £200 - he told her I get maintenance to cover this. I would like to know how the £114 per month roughly £1.90 a day is supposed to cover food never mind anything else!

The CMS have a lot to learn and answer for!

The ongoing destruction caused by the fallout of these divorces never seems to end - the stress is unimaginable - hence why I am awake at this hour.

I am having ongoing battles with the kids due to the destruction to their lives, battles with CMS to try and get the X to pay for his own children and I still have to deal with leaving the family home and getting a full time job to support myself when I have depression which leaves me unable to function and is recognised with PIP payment.

If it wasnt for benefits I don't know where I would be right now! I am still angry at a system that is supposed to protect women but spits us out just like these useless spineless men. Don't get me wrong OW has done me a huge favour - and my kids - because I now have the chance to make sure they take no shit from anyone including their own father!

That and karma keep me going!

I have just heard DS shouting and thrashing about in bed - he told me he has been worrying about the change of schools all summer but hasn't been able to sleep the last 4 nights as the time is getting closer. I worry for his long term mental health - he has always been a highly sensitive child needing constant reassurance - and now this.- what makes it worse is that as parents we should be dealing with together but the X has fooled himself by saying the kids are happy with this change and dismissed the school involvement when Ds googled how to kill yourself as a prank!

Somebody give me strength to deal with all this!

That is heartbreaking greenberet , your poor DS.

Sorry to hear things are still shitty with the ex FormidableMrsC - I read you thread. Do you really want him to see your DS - I know he's his dad but he is clearly a shit. Some times it's better these men clear off & leave everyone alone. They are just two destructive people who are clearly damaged. I feel sorry for her child - what messed up messages with he be receiving from them!!!!! How sad and desperate they seek out your threads. She is clearly not happy. Hope other areas in your life are good.

Thanks toes - i will see him right somehow - i have too.

to be honest i wish my X would bugger off & leave us alone - im not sure why he continues with the contact - i think its so he can save face professionally - all he does is cause never ending aggro

he is bitter that i got an insurance payout for breast cancer - never mind it all went on solicitors fees - and then i got shafted by the legal profession.

My X stalked me on here too Mary and used my anger that i came on here to express against me - your right they are SHITS -

happy? no chance - that is plain to see!

HI Greenberet - OMG that is just horrendous your poor poor son. I really do think boys in general are more sensitive. Once he actually starts and makes friends maybe he will feel better? Also at 16 does he have to go? I have reconciled myself to not sending my son next year because some of the school around here are so rough (ex won't pay school fees either) and i just don't think he will cope so i am thinking to not send him and say i am home schooling him? I dunno poor you and poor boy just fucking shot and these arseholes couldn't care less!! Make me sick!!

Hi Mrs C - you helped me before with my court case not seen you on here lately (it went v badly he lied his head off and got everything he asked for I will never go to court again) rather go to jail TBH!!

Some women actively encourage it.

My ex was seeing the kids, paying maintenance etc until he met his now wife. She hated me, properly fucking loathed me despite me doing nothing to her. I was glad that he was finally moving on after trying to get back with me.

One weekend he dropped them off and that was it. No more contact at all. CS was paid after many long fights via CSA, who were great it has to be said, and his new wife getting into trouble at work because she worked in payroll and "lost" the paperwork for the deduction of earnings order .

He had a choice and voted with his dick because he would rather cut off his kids than get aggro from her. I spent years thinking "he will do it to her" but he hasnt sadly so she will never know the devastation she helped to cause.

Like MrsC's ex's new "partner" (waves at MrsC!) mine was telling lies about me to her family to justify him not seeing the kids.

I think the truth is that they just want to airbrush us out of existence, as if they are the only women these sad acts have ever loved and wanted. Previous children disprove that fact and cannot be ignored so they try to airbrush the kids out of existence too. Pathetic.

donners yes agree re boys being more sensitive -DS has been bottling a lot of stuff up which may now be coming to the surface

This is a recent reply from the X

You were made an offer for child maintenance at the final hearing and refused it. You made an application to CMS and I am paying you what they have judged I should.

Basically accept what I have offered you or I will make this as difficult for you as possible.

Doesn't mention here that his offer was not based on his true income or that he has only given CMS half the story!

They just don't get it do they? you just can't argue with an idiot like that and it makes me sick the law and the CMS let them get away with it.

I actually had a row the other day on phone to CMS. Ex started work in June apparently and I still haven't seen a penny. The CMS said we ll he isn't doing anything wrong because we haven't assessed it yet????? WTF!!!!! i said doing nothing wrong would be actually paying maintenance for his children without being forced to and not a pathetic 16% of his income at that!!

donners i had been more than patient with CMS - but last time i spoke to them I lost it too - I told them that if they didn't get it sorted out I would be asking my GP to write them a letter telling them that their inability to sort this out was having an impact on my financial situation and this was putting my mental health which is already dodgy under even more strain.

funnily enough i have got a letter from them - it is still bullshit - it is based on earnings a year out of date and still hinges on X paying up without being forced to - so far he hasn't !