Dealing with a family member with a history of abusing children

[mindutopia]

I wanted to ask some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation about how you handled this and dealt with this as parents and how you handled the family drama that may have resulted.

It came to my attention last year that MIL's partner, who she has been with for probably 12+ years now but they are only recently married, so basically my husband's step-father, has a history of sexually abusing a child in his own family. The child was a family member of his previous wife (now passed away). The details are all very convincing and I have no doubt he poses a risk to children. It went to trial, there was forensic evidence (semen), he was convicted and served a prison sentence. This all happened when MIL and he first started dating. My husband knew he had some legal issues in the past and had had to go to court, but he didn't really know the extent of it. He was 18 when they met and was living away from home, and then for part of that time was working overseas where we met. I honestly think he was happy enough that his mum had met someone and seemed happy that he never really thought to probe to much about this boyfriend who seemed to disappear and then re-appear. They never really talked about it.

Anyway, fast forward a decade, we are now married and have a 4 year old daughter. We've never been allowed to stay overnight at their house since our daughter was born. I honestly thought it was because they either didn't like me or didn't like our daughter. We live nearly 2 hours away, which makes visiting really difficult because 4 hours is a long time in the car with a baby and now toddler. BIL and SIL were always welcome to stay though, which is why I thought they obviously just didn't like us. But finally we got them to agree that we would all come for Christmas last year and we would all stay at the house together for the first time. Then a few weeks before Christmas, MIL called to tell us that the police wanted to speak to us as step-FIL is still on the sexual offenders registry and we aren't allowed to stay at their house unless we met with the police to be interviewed and give our consent for our daughter to be there. I could have punched her in the face! And if she had told us that in person, I probably would have, so I'm grateful she thought to call instead! Apparently, there was no plans to ever be honest about his past despite him having contact with our daughter because they were hoping they could just avoid saying anything until his period on the registry was up (he had to be on for 10 years) and then we never would have had to know the extent of it. The hitch was that the paperwork had been delayed in removing him from the registry, which they had hoped would be done before Christmas, but now would take several more months. He isn't allowed to be around a child for more than 12 hours without the parents giving consent and meeting with the police to be informed about his history of offenses against children.

So needless to say, this situation blew up after that because I was furious. I take these sorts of things very, very seriously. I have a history of sexual assault myself and I used to work as a social worker with vulnerable children, having had to report many incidents of abuse myself in my professional work. So this is a really big deal to me and they, of course, would have known that, which is why I suspect they tried to lie and cover it up. My husband and I immediately decided that step-FIL would have no further contact with our daughter. I have absolutely no reason to believe she has ever come to any harm. We only see them a few times a year. She's only 4 (and was 3 when this happened), and while MIL has babysat her at our house (with help from her sister, my husband's aunt who lives close to us), our daughter has never been left unsupervised at their house nor has step-FIL ever been to our house when MIL was babysitting (husband's aunt was there and can confirm this, I suspect she knows about his history which is why she volunteered to help so there was no chance step-FIL would be there). So though we have no reason to be concerned about our daughter's safety in the past, we are unwilling to even take the chance that anything could happen in the future and it was an easy decision to stop all contact with him.

Obviously this has been a massive blow to our trust and confidence in MIL and we set some very firm boundaries with regards to her future relationship with our daughter. She has never been very forthcoming about anything that has happened. She wholeheartedly believes that he is a 'victim' and he has suffered an 'injustice' perpetrated by this child's family and that any questions we have or any indication that we don't 100% trust him no questions asked is a sign that we are continuing to perpetrate this 'injustice' against him just like everyone else has. He very much has the classic abuser mentality that everyone is out to get him and the world has it out for him, which only confirms his guilt even more in my mind. MIL's relationship with him is very controlling and she is very manipulated. They put on a good front of being blissfully happy. But we have walked in on arguments they were having, as have BIL/SIL, where he speaks to her terribly and all is not as it seems on the outside behind closed doors.

As a result of this, my husband and I sat down and wrote out a list of questions for her/them (really, her but about the case and his restrictions in regards to children). Basically, we wanted to know the charges, how long his prison sentence was (we know he was in prison for 18 months, but that wasn't the whole sentence) and what restrictions he is currently under re: being on the sexual offenders registry. We wanted to make sure they were being totally honest with us and we wanted to check up to be sure that he hadn't violated any restrictions in regards to our daughter. We thought this would be an easy way to start the conversation, clear the air and get everything out on the table, and start trying to repair all the damage in our relationship with MIL so that she could continue having a relationship with our daughter. None of my family lives nearby and we only see them at holidays or birthdays a couple times a year. So my husband's family is our only 'local' family that my daughter sees more regularly. Without them, she literally only has us and an aunt and uncle (BIL/SIL), so it's important to heal this stuff as much as we can (except with step-FIL, obviously). We thought it wouldn't even be a big deal. Anyway, my husband went to deliver the letter and list of questions to her and talk to her, and she said, absolutely not, she would not answer those questions for us. We gave her a month or so of silence to think about it and asked again. She said no.

After that, my husband wrote her a very detailed and emotional email and explained how upset we were and how hurt we had been by all this, but how the only way forward was for her to start being honest with us and answering those questions was the first step. We had decided that if she was unwilling to have any sort of conversation with us about this then she would not be able to have a relationship with our daughter in the future. We hoped that this would at least wake her up to how serious this was. Her response was that if talking anymore about her partner's past was the only way she could be in her granddaughter's life then she would have to choose to no longer have a relationship with her because there was no chance that she would ever talk to us about the things we wanted to know. We were devastated, of course, but I was also really angry. My daughter had nothing to do with any of this and she is too little to understand why her grandmother has just vanished. I feel like our expectations were so lenient (several friends I have talked to about this situation said they would have cut both of them out from the start and never given her a chance to even have a relationship with our daughter again after knowing she conspired to allow a paedophile access to her).

All of this started last autumn and it's dragged on since. We can go a month or two without hearing from her and then she'll pop up calling and texting my husband like everything is fine. Or sending our daughter cards and gifts in the post. We then have to reiterate that she is no longer allowed a relationship with her (by her own choice) and that sending things in the post is inappropriate. Our daughter is old enough now that she knows how to spell her name and she knows when something is addressed to her. It puts us in the horrible situation of having to lie and take things away from her that she can clearly see are addressed to her. But I will not allow someone who won't participate in her life to continue to hold on tenuously by plying her with gifts. So this happens every few months and then it blows up again. In the midst of all of this going on, I got pregnant in February of this year and had a miscarriage in April, while dealing with this mess at the same time. I am very grateful to have gotten pregnant again straight away the next month and am now 14 weeks and all is well with this pregnancy.

But this situation continues to wear on me/us/our marriage. My husband is supportive and he agrees with the decisions we've made, but I can tell he is getting worn down by it all. We trade off having good weeks or bad weeks when we all but have a mental breakdown. Last week was a particularly bad week for me prompted by another letter from MIL about my 'unreasonable' and 'unjustified' behaviour in further 'victimising' step-FIL and another gift for our daughter (which promptly got sent right back return to sender). It makes me want to be sick to be honest. She has been notified by letter again that she has no relationship anymore with our granddaughter and basically to leave us alone.

I guess my reason for writing all of this (which I never intended to be quite so ridiculously long!) is to ask if anyone else has ever been in a situation like this with a family member who is a sexual abuser, but not involving you or your children directly, and how did you deal with it. This isn't just going to go away. They are married. He isn't going anywhere. He will continue to control and manipulate MIL. Even if she ever was to take our concerns seriously, start talking to us, answer the questions we have for her and try to heal the relationship between us which has been so completely fractured by all of this, honestly I don't know that I would ever want her around my daughter after all of this. It would have been different if she had been open and honest from the start when confronted and tried to help us to process all of this and if she had apologised. She has literally never once said, I'm sorry I brought this man around your child (and also my friends' children for that matter, he has attended my daughter's birthday parties with children running around everywhere and we had no idea).

But anyway, even if MIL had a change of tune tomorrow, I truly don't feel 100% comfortable that she wouldn't do whatever he tells her. What if he asked her to take inappropriate pictures of our daughter? She truly believes he is innocent. Would she chalk it up to that's nothing weird between a grandfather and a granddaughter to have a few pictures from bathtime? It makes me sick thinking about it. But we are going to forever have to be dealing with this because we have a large extended family and strong relationships with them that we don't want to lose just because we don't have a relationship with MIL. I've tried to find resources, but all I can find are resources for those who have been abused by a family member. That's not us, and I'm so grateful. But there is nothing out there on how to deal with having a sexual offender in the family and the strain that puts on family relationships. I guess I'm just looking to see if there is anyone out there who has been in a situation like this. I feel so lost some days dealing with it, and then other days so stressed out and angry. It takes up a lot of my time and emotional energy. Our family life has really suffered the past year, despite my husband and I doing our best to stay unified and be positive about it all. I know the stress is affecting our daughter.

Going against the grain I would probably continue to facilitate a relationship with MIL. She hasn't committed a crime against children and you have no reason to suspect she isn't a protective adult, the fact she chose no to babysit with her husband etc and didn't allow you to stay over is a protection that she insisted on.

It is a strange situation and I can fully understand your reservations.

I don't think you can let MIL have any form of access while she's under his spell. What if he coerces her to take pictures of your DD for example? Or a video of bathtime? Perhaps she already has - those kind of things a mum or a grandma would innocently do and if she's that much in denial, she'd be adamant that anything on her phone was just normal grandma doting stuff, but it may be something he likes for other reasons.

I think you and your husband need professional support here. Is there a support group for parents or a counselling service you could access that would help you with all of this?

You both must be under immense strain when she contacts you. DH probably feels more responsible given that it's 'his' side of the family. I'm not sure how you'd deal with family gatherings - I think that being brutally direct might be the better option. "we will not be going if paedophile SFIL is there, I'm sure you understand."

You only found out due to the police diligence, so they are adept at hiding it over the years. They refuse to tell you what occurred, there appears to be no remorse and massive minimising of culpability.

Remember, this is the only instance he was caught and convicted for. How long might he have been doing this before that point?

"She hasn't committed a crime against children and you have no reason to suspect she isn't a protective adult"

She isn't protective because she didn't even want OP to know that SFIL was a convicted paedophile.
She is also a paedo denier, even though he was convicted on forensic evidence.
She sounds dangerous and stupid.

Not someone I would want influencing my child.

There is nothing you do with someone who actively chooses to deny reality except limit contact. All you can do in a situation this bad is to refuse contact because she is simply too dangerous to allow near the OP's daughter.

Stupidity can be as dangerous as malice sometimes.

SeaEagle nails it.

you can't trust your mil. def not your step fil. i would cut contact absolutely no question.

No experience but I think you've done the right thing. I'd have cut them dead the second you found out. I'm all for rehabilitation but a) he's not rehabilitated if he's still denying it and b) they lied to you and would have continued to lie to you forever if the paperwork had been done on time. That would have resulted in your child staying overnight on the future. I'd have killed your MIL and SFIL for this. How DARE they expose your DD like that?

Re the offending, did a Google search not bring it up? How about visiting the office of the local paper as they'll probably have reported on it at the time and might have a record. If he served 18 months would usually suggest that he had received 3yrs however a 10 year register period means he actually must have got less than 30 months because more than that means you have to sign on indefinitely.

Thank you all for your words. Honestly, it's nice to feel like I'm not insane for being upset about this. Even though I rationally know we have done the right thing (I'm generally a smart rational person who has dealt with this stuff professionally in my work, so like I know what we are doing is what I would advise others to do), when you are in such a bubble, it's easy to sort of question if you have done the right thing. There are several family members who also kept this information secret. In fact, I've been told by one of them that there were 'family meetings' in which they participated held to discuss if this should be disclosed, and at which MIL decided to continue to keep it a secret. That sounds so crazy just saying it. But within the bubble of the family I think everyone just sort of accepted that she was doing the best she could in a difficult situation and they were afraid to speak up and rock the boat. Said family members have since apologised to me for not saying something sooner as they realise they did a terrible thing. But I think there is so much focus in the whole family just keeping the peace, that I feel insane sometimes being the only one who is shocked and furious and disgusted.

My husband, though he does truly agree with how I feel, also feels really sorry for his mum that she's ended up in this relationship that has basically ruined her family. His dad passed away when he was a child and he spent a lot of his childhood taking care of her and protecting her because she really struggled. It was why I think he was so relieved that this man came into her life and he could sort of relinquish that responsibility (which no child should have had to bear anyway, but that's another story). I think that's why he just never asked any questions for so long. So though he is as angry as I am and agrees with the decisions we've made, I also know he is much more broken up about this than I am. I think good riddance, but he still feels a tie there because it is his family and he just wants her to do the right thing and keeps holding on to hope that maybe the next time she pops up into our lives will be the time this all magically sorts itself out. I've been trying to help him realise that this isn't something he is responsible for fixing for her (like he has so much else), but he still very much internalises it and struggles to let go. I think he very much blames himself for somehow not making her handle this better, and it's hard to get him to truly accept this is a bed she has made herself and it isn't his fault. I think it would be helpful for him to know how others would handle this because he has truly not talked to anyone about this, other than his brother (who supports us and thinks we are doing the right thing). I think almost because he hasn't heard how shocking other people find this behaviour, because he's so embarrassed to talk to anyone about his dysfunctional family, he doesn't totally realise how shocking it is. We've considered having some counselling ourselves just to help process our hurt and anger about this, but now I'm going on mat leave in a few months so we really do not have the spare funds for that right now.

Thank you for your suggestion to contact NSPCC. I did look at their website awhile ago, but didn't find anything useful, but maybe just contacting them might help.

I think people will always be reactionary when it comes to convicted sex offenders (understandably). MIl will most likely know all the details of the offence and has made a judgement about the potential danger. I can understand the sense of betrayal one might feel at not having been informed, but equally I can understand MIL being embarrassed or worried about telling people. If she was to have contact on her own what would the issue be?

Oh, and no, sadly, no information online about it. Honestly, the actual information doesn't matter to us. We only asked those questions because we wanted to know she would start being honest with us and the only reason I went to the police was because I wanted to have the actual case records if I could get them to compare, so that I could know what she said matched up and she was being honest. I know what happened. She has told my husband the details of what supposedly happened according to the child (the details are horrific), but she won't share anything related to the actual charges or case (which frankly is weird, right?). But I don't actually care about the information. We just asked to see if she would finally start being honest and it's become a fight because she refuses to talk. She does know the exact details of the case and has read the records (but SFIL has since destroyed them, or so she says). But no, there is no record of anything online. I did search just to see. I suspect there are so many of these cases that unless it involves a celebrity or a headteacher or someone of interest to the community, they don't make the news.

i thought all court judgements are made public?

my bil's financial advisor was convicted in a fraud case and he was convinced it wasn't nearly as bad as we thought so i went and read the judgement online. it was quite hard to find, but i did find it.

This woman is really dangerous OP. Don't listen to ANYONE who tells you otherwise.

Paedophiles generally manage to get access to children by surrounding themselves with willfully naïve people who have emotional or psychological deficits, either they think of themselves as basically unloveable (so they're vulnerable to abusive people, want to please), OR they have no empathy for others (so they can't imagine someone abusing a kid, or how the kid would feel if they were abused, or how the mother of a child would feel about abuse, etc.). Or, most chillingly, a combination of both.

Often those naïfs are very sweet lovely people, but that doesn't mean that they aren't dangerous as fuck.

I would bet my last penny, truly, that it's not that MIL thinks her H didn't have sexual contact with his victim. I'd assume he has told her that he did. It doesn't sound like that can be denied.

In my bitter experience, when it comes to this kind of thing, it's that he's told her it was the child who instigated the whole thing, that the child was "mature" and "led him on", or he was just trying to protect the child from an even more dangerous abuser, that the child was sexually precocious and therefore he had to step in as a safe person to "help" the child "deal with their feelings", etc. etc. (I'm sorry it's very sick I know)

And she will have believed it. Because she doesn't want to be alone, wants FIL to approve of her and see her as being on her side.

That is dangerous for your DD. This means that if anything, however small, ever happened or came to light, even if there were simply a suspicion of something, you can bet your life that MIL will put her fingers in her ears and shout "LA LA LA, DD IS THE ONE AT FAULT", etc. The headfuck will be such that, I'm sorry to say it, DD would probably not be able to recover from it.

Don't let them have contact. Your MIL will work to hurt your family in order to score points with her H. She will say things that cannot be taken back. Every contact will end with your family feeling poisoned. DD has nothing to gain from any of that.

Don't open this woman's letters. Get a postbox for outside the house. Screen all post. Honestly I would move away if I were you.

I second the advice to give DD an age appropriate explanation for what has occurred here. She needs to know that it's nothing she's done.

My heart goes out to you all.

My sfil was accused of abusing a ten age member of the family a few years ago
There was a big blow up and then it was brushed under the carpet as the girl has sn and a history of lying
HOWEVER I do believe her as I have seen sfil behave in a way with her and others that makes me feel very uncomfortable. DH was initially very annoyed with me but when he had time to digest what I said he agreed that there was something " not right" The victims mother and other family members know me and DH believe her but mil doesn't.
The victims parents have also decided to forget all about it but since that time my DD is not allowed to visit their house without me and is never alone with sfil. She knows nothing about it if mil asks if DD can go and stay I just make an excuse but she will NEVER be put in a position where she is made to fee uncomfortable or worse. I have told DH that if I ever think he has so much as looked at DD inappropriately I will take direct action and the family will have to " choose" between seeing us and seeing sfil and mil. DH agrees
Personally I would prefer it was dealt with but as the victim and her parents and everyone else has decided to ignore his behaviour then I don't feel I can
Sfil genuinely didn't ( I think) feel his behaviour was wrong and other people have minimised it but I also think that he got quite a shock when everything blew up 10 years ago plus he's much older and not well so I doubt he WOULD actually do anything to DD, also he is quite scared of me as he KNOWS that I would challenge any such behaviour and have before.
Even so, DD is kept well away.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have a friend who is going though a similar situation. They've gone no contact with her husband's family. It's hard on her husband but he supports her decision and they (and thus their daughter) have no contact with the ' stepFIL'.

Your first duty is to your daughter and I would be having no contact at all.

To clarify, the reason she isn't allowed contact is because she won't do it according to the boundaries we've set. The first of those being she needs to answer the questions we've asked and address our concerns. The second would be that we need to have family counselling sessions to help her understand the seriousness of what's happened. Basically, I need her to accept she was wrong and to apologise. No one gets to be in our daughter's life is they don't respect our decisions as parents and try to undermine them. And until she is willing to understand how we have concerns about the risk he poses, I think she poses a risk as well.

I don't think she means any harm, but I do think she could be very easily manipulated by him to do things that could harm our daughter. I worry about any photos and video she might take of her. I truly can't be in a situation where we have to be hypervigilant about supervising her. If she were to visit, I want to feel comfortable being in the kitchen cooking lunch or using the loo without feeling one of us needs to be watching her. I honestly can't say 100% that I feel comfortable doing that. I think she's shown a willingness in the past to do anything to override our rights as parents to decide what's safe for our daughter (by actively trying to keep this a secret while facilitating his access to her). I just don't feel comfortable while she is still so under his control. I worry that we could get complacent, let our guard down, and something horrible could happen after all we've done already to protect our daughter. That may sound silly. I'm sure the chances are small, but I just can't live like that. If I have to be wrong about this, I think I'd rather be wrong erring on the side of caution. I feel like we already got so lucky that a small glitch in the paperwork meant this all ended up coming out in the open. If not for that, it never would have. In a few more years, our daughter would be the same age as the child he abused. I feel like we've been given such a gift to be able to protect her and we have to do it.

If i was your MIL i would struggle with your boundaries also. You are asking a grown woman to account for a decision she made, presumably not lightly, to get involved with a man who has an historic record for sexual abuse against a minor. You either trust your Mil to be a protective influence or you don't, asking her to jump through hoops now seems a little cruel. Would you consider allowing you H to have contact with MIL on his own? Or would you contemplate meeting MIL in a public place so she can have a relationship with her GD?

Or would you contemplate meeting MIL in a public place so she can have a relationship with her GD?

Why would this be something that the OP ought to agree to?

What is in it for her, her family, or her DD?

OP I wholeheartedly believe you've exactly the right thing. I think that your Mil is what could be classed as an 'enabler' because she protects and tries to get others to trust the sfil with and around their children. Until she wakes up and is willing to act in a trustworthy manner by admitting the truth about sfil, then she cannot be trusted and any contact at all would be an open door, to further contact etc etc. Sympathies to you and your husband, who this must be so tough for, but I think you've both been amazing.

My FIL is a paedophile. He and my fuckwit MIL who has chosen to stay with him are and never will be anywhere fucking near my kids or any future grandchildren. EVER

I do feel deeply sorry for your husband and I think in your shoes I would stick to MIL being unable to see our child BUT I would allow my husband to choose his level of contact with husband own mother- outside the family home of course.

It could be she herself is a victim of sorts. It sounds like she was deeply dependent on her own son and that's not really normal is it? And maybe she has transferred that skewed dependency onto her new husband. And is in deep denial about his true nature.
But She is his mum.

I think you've thought it through very logically and as calmly as you could. I'm not sure I could be as good as that if it happened to our family.

I wonder, if you did want to find out more about the sentencing or other information would a private investigator turn up anything for you.

I don't think she's stopping her H seeing his mum though Trees, unless I've missed it. I read it as the MIL is pretending nothing's wrong sometimes and NC others which is confusing and the DH is doing what he thinks is right. I also don't think it's unreasonable to ask a few details about what he actually did now that they've found out. I think the MIL is being unreasonable, although I can see why she wouldn't want to answer questions on the subject. Having chosen the FIL over the GD (which she's entitled to do), she can't just chop and change as she sees fit.

Cut contact with MIL, I know it will hurt your DH but in your situation I'd be more than paranoid the abuser would manipulate MIL to get images of your children.

From your OP.
"so basically my husband's step-father, has a history of sexually abusing a child in his own family. The child was a family member of his previous wife (now passed away). The details are all very convincing and I have no doubt he poses a risk to children. It went to trial, there was forensic evidence (semen), he was convicted and served a prison sentence. This all happened when MIL and he first started dating. "

I'm so sorry you are hitting brick walls in your efforts to find the truth. Please don't give up.

There have to be public records available of this, you have the timeline. Is it in a different county if the abuser and Mil were only just 'dating' then? Surely it was in Crown Court? If there was a trial he must have pleaded Not Guilty therefore there will be Court records of the trial and the sentencing.

Is it possible he changed his name after the trial? (To stop people trying to find out what he did)

Do you know anyone who works in journalism, because if there was a sniff of a current day story you can bet they'd unearth the trial and conviction documents and press reports like a shot.

I'm also not convinced the Police advised you correctly about Sarah's Law. Their response to you doesn't seem to tally with what's described here. www.nspcc.org.uk/services-and-resources/research-and-resources/factsheet-and-briefings/child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/
also see www.nspcc.org.uk/what-we-do/news-opinion/sarahs-law-postcode-lottery/

*(well she can't do that and reasonably expect a response that is favourable to her)