Please help me heal, I'm broken

[SuzukiLi]

I met a guy, sadly at the wrong time. He had only just come out of a very long controlling relationship. We tried to make it work for a few months but he's just not ready yet. He's the one. I have never met anybody before who I have so much in common with and I'm absolutely broken. He wants me to try and move on and when he's ready, if we're both single we can try and make things work again but it's so hard trying to move on when this break up is what neither of us want. He thinks I'm the most amazing person he's ever met, and says if we had met in a few months time everything would be perfect. But right now he needs to spend time healing from his 7 year relationship. It's only been a week but I miss him so much and really struggling to leave him alone and give him the space and time he needs right now. What the hell do i do?

I can't eat or sleep. I haven't left the house in days and my poor toddler is being completely neglected. I don't know what to do with myself.

In the nicest possible way you need to do everything you can to get this back in perspective. This reaction isn't healthy. You're investing too much. I think no contact is needed and keep on working at distacting yourself. It won't be easy but you need to do it.

I know. I have borderline personality disorder so I know my emotions are extreme

With all due respect grow up.
You don't get to wallow about in self pity like a love struck teenager when you have a child.

This man may or may not be back in your life. Your child will be forever in your life and you owe them. Put your toddler first and let this guy go off and sow his wild oats, Lick his wounds whatever he wants to do.

It sucks being a grown up.

I've just come out of a long term relationship with someone I had accepted (gladly) that I would spend the rest of my life with.

I know it hurts, it sucks and it's the worst pain imaginable. I'd rather break both my arms than go through the trauma again.

What got me through it was needing to be there for my daughter. I don't have the option to sleep all day and wallow in my own misery she needs a strong and happy mum - focus on that. No man, not even 'the one' is worth neglecting your children over.

Isa I hope no one breaks your heart.

Pour all your love into your DD. It will help take your mind off him. It will get easier, time is a great healer. He hasn't said no, he's said not yet.

I know I need to work on my relationship with my daughter, it's always been hard. I don't think I ever really recovered from my PND I just find it all so hard.

Isadora, you don't understand BPD (now known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). Emotions are amplified and multiplied. Rejection is excruciating. The pain can cause self harm and/or suicide.

OP. I too have BPD. The only advice I can give you is that this feeling will go! I promise you. The pain and loss will go. You will look back in months and see things differently.

Try not to self medicate. Hold onto the fact that this too will pass.

Also, if you have any RL friends, please ring them up and ask them to meet up with you for a chat.

My friends have been really good but also slightly unhelpful as they just keep saying how perfect we are together and after a bit of time they're sure we'll be back together.

Can you read back what you've written and see it from another point of view? I think he's spun you a line and led you on with the "we're perfect together, its just the wrong time" nonsense. If he were as nice as you think he is then he wouldn't be keeping you hanging with the if we're single when I've shagged the other women I have my eye on taken time to heal then we can make a go of it in the future. It's so nasty because it so rarely is actually true. It's just a line along the "it's not you it's me" spectrum.

Once you see this as someone not being perfect, but being ridiculously entitled it might help you heal. If he were such a perfect match and decent human he wouldn't make you feel like this.

I agree, the whole ' you're perfect for me, but not right now' is bollocks, if he wanted to be with you, he would.

You'll get over him quicker if you block/delete and move on completely.

Speak to your GP if you need to, stay well.

I do get the space thing. I was the same when I split with my ex, no way I was ready for anything serious that quickly!

Isadora - please think twice before directing judgemental commentary.

OP - I feel for you. I do not have BPD but I have recently gone through a situation that was unfortunately magnified by medication that should have done the opposite. It was hell and I became non-functional.

So, you cannot just Magic away EUPD any more than you can magic up a quick fix solution. However, your daughter does have needs. If you really really cannot pick yourself up and out of this what can you do to put measures in place to support both of you whilst you work your way through it?

No matter how great the heartbreak you will love again, sending hugs & positive vibes ❤️

He's just come over to pick up some stuff. He cried, I cried. I do get it. He misses his child who he's having issues seeing. He can't be ready for me until he gets that relationship sorted. He says he can't ask me to wait for him as much he's like me too, and wants me to live my life. I love him so much.

I do get the space thing. I was the same when I split with my ex, no way I was ready for anything serious that quickly

Two things in response to this. One is that if you aren't ready for anything serious you don't get involved and "try to make it work" for a couple of months. You generally don't date, or if you do keep things very casual.

The other point is saying it and dangling the carrot of you being able to get together in the future is a dick move. It's not kind, it's giving you false hope that it's not the relationship that's wrong, it's the timing (if he wanted the relationship to be right it would work even with bad timing). He's not being kind, he's stringing you along.

I know with BPD (I have many of the traits) you can get intensely involved very quickly and see people as either wonderful or awful, but please remember that there is a range of people in between rather than the binary way you can view them. He may have been a "perfect" boyfriend, but he's not being "perfect" now. He's being more than a little mean. If you can begin to see it that way you will begin to get over him.

One day at a time... break it down into am/pm or even one hour at a time if that's what it takes. Have you mentioned your worries about not completely recovering from PND to health professionals monitoring your BPD?

Nah, I don't get the 'you're perfect for me but the time is not right' line either. When I met my now dh, he was firstly unemployed and thinking of returning to his home country, and secondly, when he did find employment, it was half way up the country from where I lived and worked. He could have said I was perfect for him but the time was not right, but he didn't. He shelved his plan to return to his country, he found temporary work until something permanent came up, and we then spent 3 years travelling to see each other every week - long arduous journeys. It doesn't matter what is going on in your life, if you are meant to be together and you both want to be together, you are together.

Either you both see this, or he is subtly telling you he is not that into you, in which case, the best thing you could do is move on.

I think I just need to try and hate him for a while. That might be the only thing that's going to work.

He wants us to go out in a few months time and see where we're at. He knows I need to fix my relationship with my child and he needs to do the same. I've agreed but am worrying I'm giving myself something to hold on to. Although at the minute that little bit is keeping me going until I'm better.