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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help me heal, I'm broken

74 replies

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 12:50

I met a guy, sadly at the wrong time. He had only just come out of a very long controlling relationship. We tried to make it work for a few months but he's just not ready yet. He's the one. I have never met anybody before who I have so much in common with and I'm absolutely broken. He wants me to try and move on and when he's ready, if we're both single we can try and make things work again but it's so hard trying to move on when this break up is what neither of us want. He thinks I'm the most amazing person he's ever met, and says if we had met in a few months time everything would be perfect. But right now he needs to spend time healing from his 7 year relationship. It's only been a week but I miss him so much and really struggling to leave him alone and give him the space and time he needs right now. What the hell do i do?

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SuzukiLi · 26/08/2017 19:14

Me and DD are much better already :) I also just found out I got I to uni which has been a huge lift!

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thestamp · 26/08/2017 18:43

Concentrate on your DD. Don't go on dates.

Maybe once you are on proper medication and are making progress in therapy, you'll have enough emotional energy and skills to take on a relationship as well. But this thread should be proof enough that you aren't in a space where you can care well for DD and also cope with the stresses of a new relationship!

SuzukiLi · 26/08/2017 18:38

They said he's a really nice guy and that we will get on so want to set it up. I think I'm probably just scared about getting hurt again.

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Putyourhandsintheair · 26/08/2017 18:34

Only you can decide but I'm sure your friends are trying to be kind and encouraging about supporting you moving on. Even though it may be misplaced. It's a balance between pushing yourself a little bit and not feeling pressured. Why do they think this person is a good match?

SuzukiLi · 26/08/2017 18:32

Half of me thinks I should just get back out there but the other half thinks maybe I should wait

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HuckfromScandal · 26/08/2017 18:29

Well say no then
It's a complete sentence

SuzukiLi · 26/08/2017 18:21

I don't know if anyone's still reading this but my friends want to set me up on a date and i don't know what to do!! I don't feel ready!

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HorridHenryrule · 17/08/2017 02:05

At least you can admit you're mad and there's no shame in that.

HorridHenryrule · 17/08/2017 02:03

You're all she needs there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all have our ups and downs but as long as your dd understands then all will be fine. I want you to point to one person in this world that isn't mad because we all are. The poster WombOfOnesOwn is also mad and if she says she isn't then I will worry even more because she's in denial.

SuzukiLi · 17/08/2017 01:35

I already know she deserves a better mother but unfortunately I'm all she's got.

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IdoHaveAName · 16/08/2017 23:04

WombofOnesOwn. Do one. You don't get to take out your anger at your mother on this poster.

WombOfOnesOwn · 16/08/2017 20:15

You need DBT for your BPD. This reaction and in fact, your whole whirlwind "relationship" with this man is just a symptom of your disorder.

I grew up with a BPD mother. Get your shit together and stop neglecting your toddler, before she grows up to loathe you and everything you stand for.

anxiousnow · 16/08/2017 16:37

Bless you SuzuKili. I hope you heal well and get stronger and improve your time with your daughter. Improve your confidence and self esteem so it isn't healing for him. Hopefully you can work it out in the future but for now keep the focus on yourselves. I know this from personal experience too and am trying to do the same. I haven't got bpd that i know of but do have extreme emotions and anxiety. Do any of your otger friends have children you can arrange play dates with? Surround yourself with people who love you and your daughter. Good luck.

HorridHenryrule · 16/08/2017 16:33

I have been in this situation be patient with him its not easy when he has a controlling ex and a daughter who he doted on. The two doesn't mix well. Focus on yourself and your dd and one day you will meet someone who will be ready to love you. Learn to love yourself and then you can love others.

SuzukiLi · 16/08/2017 15:23

He had moved back in with his mum and his ex was being very sporadic with letting him see his daughter.
We both weren't ready but we both ignored it and tried to push on u til it got too much. I do hope that when we're both in a good place mentally we can try again but atm I don't have the energy to love anyone else and neither does he.

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anxiousnow · 16/08/2017 14:55

Hi Op sorry you are going through this it sounds like neither of you are ready. You mention he needs to find somewhere to live. Had he moved in with you as that could have been too much too soon for you both. Also you mention playdates with his child so did he have contact but now it has stopped?
I know it is hard but focus on you and your daughter and not have a mental hope of waiting for him.

IdoHaveAName · 16/08/2017 14:18

Just feel the pain. It won't kill you. Just keep on going. I read a quote yesterday which I liked:-

Courage isn't having the strength to go on. It is going on when you don't have strength.

SuzukiLi · 16/08/2017 09:47

No. I'll be ok! It's just a combination of being a bit unwell for a while and having this knockback. I wasn't ready for this relationship either.

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Mustang27 · 16/08/2017 09:47

Good luck with the meds I really hope they help. I'd suggest keeping yourself as busy as possible. Are you continuing with your running? I'm sure it will be hard as I know you mentioned he got you into it but exercise is really helpful change what you do if that helps maybe take up an amateur team sport.

Peanutbuttercheese · 16/08/2017 09:43

Have you had any therapy though to help you with your behaviours? As far as I'm aware they can't reprogramme your head as such but teach you how to cope with such extreme emotions.

SuzukiLi · 16/08/2017 09:00

I've been to the GP and she's trying me out on some medication to see if it's helps. Ive always rejected medication but I guess it's time to try!

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Peanutbuttercheese · 16/08/2017 08:48

if you self sabotage and I do know a bit about BPD as I have a relative with this. Her self sabotaging behaviour is extreme and dangerous when she is very low. Are you getting much support? Do you have a CPN or a therapist.

Write down in a way that you understand a little mantra and stick it in a few places round the house. Basically to remind you not to self sabotage. Also block his number and delete it. You will be classed as a vulnerable adult and unfortunately BPD often means people are almost childlike emotionally it's a very complex MH issue. You need support in real life as well as here.

Plus do not under any circumstances meet someone new for a while. If you feel the compulsion to self sabotage then ring Samaritans.

Sending you support, all break ups are difficult but for you the intensity is excruciating and consuming. I have seen my relative suffer over the years and she has been the target of abusers as they can sniff out her vulnerability.

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cheapskatemum · 16/08/2017 07:49

Since you mention a previous abusive relationship and you ask for tips on how to move on, I can highly recommend doing a course that is called The Freedom Programme. It's run by Women's Aid and they will provide childcare for your DD if needed for you to attend. It will help you discern decent guys from abusers. Google Freedom Programme to find your nearest one.

TheNaze73 · 14/08/2017 20:24

Sorry Op but, he's spun you a line to break up with you in an easier fashion

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 20:20

I just want some tips on things I can do to move on that don't involve self sabotage like i usually do!
I left an abusive relationship when my daughter was a baby and this was the first one I've had since so I know it's going to hurt that little bit more.

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