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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help me heal, I'm broken

74 replies

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 12:50

I met a guy, sadly at the wrong time. He had only just come out of a very long controlling relationship. We tried to make it work for a few months but he's just not ready yet. He's the one. I have never met anybody before who I have so much in common with and I'm absolutely broken. He wants me to try and move on and when he's ready, if we're both single we can try and make things work again but it's so hard trying to move on when this break up is what neither of us want. He thinks I'm the most amazing person he's ever met, and says if we had met in a few months time everything would be perfect. But right now he needs to spend time healing from his 7 year relationship. It's only been a week but I miss him so much and really struggling to leave him alone and give him the space and time he needs right now. What the hell do i do?

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Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 16:31

Honestly not sure i believe 'i am just not ready'. I think its more 'i want to play the field for a bit'.

But if you have problems with the relationship with your dd, that needs to be your focus. Not an ex. Not a relationship with a new man. Her.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 16:32

And him asking you to meet in a few months is designed to keep you hanging on. The opposite of moving on.

pongoismyhero · 14/08/2017 16:33

I'm afraid it sounds to me like he's spinning you a line TBH.

Decoratingsucks · 14/08/2017 16:38

I'm sorry but I also think he is spinning you a line. If you met "the one" I personally think you would find yourself being ready for a new relationship very fast.

I also think if he really thought you were it for him he would want your support while he tried to sort out his relationship with his child.

I know it hurts like hell and you want to believe him - I have been there! But please prioritise yourself and your child and protect your heart.

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 14/08/2017 16:39

I agree - he's stringing you along and keeping his options open. If he comes back you are opening yourself up to more heartache. Don't do it to yourself.

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 16:44

It's was me who suggested meeting in a few months when we've both had time to sort ourselves out. It's hard. I know he is a genuinely lovely guy because all of my friends have known him for many many years and his relationship with his ex was awful. I do get he needs time. I'm feeling a little better now we've spoken. I do need to really concentrate the next few months on myself and my daughter an forget about him. If it's meant to be it will be

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IrritatedUser1960 · 14/08/2017 16:46

What Isodora2007 said, you hardly know him and you have a child to consider.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 16:47

Forget about the meeting in a few months. You suggested it and he agreed it. Or he suggested it. You have said both.

If he suggested it, he is keeping you hanging on.

If you suggested it, he agreed because he couldn't say no. He had no real reason not to.

Please do forget him. He wants to be single. He doesnt want to be with you.

pongoismyhero · 14/08/2017 16:52

He shouldn't have even met your DD yet if you were only casually seeing each other for a couple of months, that in itself is a red flag for me.

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 16:53

I suggested it, he wanted to is what I meant sorry.

I'm going to try and move on but so hope we can make things work in a few months time. Sorry I know it sounds like I'm a fucking idiot.

I just want some advice on what to do that helps when trying to get over someone.

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SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 16:54

He only met my DD because we originally just met up for play dates with the kids and it became a bit more

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ShitOrBust · 14/08/2017 16:59

Ah yeah - the old "i care about you so much, but i can't see you at the moment".
If he was really keen, he would be with you.
he's doesn't want you.
he's lying to you to make it easier for him to offload you.

you're being fed a lie.
best of luck to you.

IdoHaveAName · 14/08/2017 17:47

Honestly, the only advice as a bpd person that I can give you, is try to go out with friends, meet friends, have friends over. Cook, bake, run. Mind your little one. Do crafts with her. Don't hang your hat on this fella ever coming back. He is letting you down gently. He won't be back. The pain will ease. I promise you that. I've been where you are so many times where I thought my heart would literally burst with agony. A few months later and I could see the feckers for what they were.
You deserve not to be in pain. He has inflicted pain on you - therefore, he is not a nice gorgeous perfect guy. He's a prick.
Get angry, get running, get cleaning the house, get out and talk to your girlfriends. Go girl!

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 18:07

It was him who actually started me running funnily enough! He said it does wonders for mental health and it really has. It's just going to be the hard little things I need to deal with at first like watching game of thrones for the first time without him, listening to our favourite band and such... I'll get there I just need to cry bitch and moan for a bit before I can get myself back up.

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Farmerswife4life1984 · 14/08/2017 18:25

I too suffer bpd and it does make everything feel so extreme . I am the same and when upset can't function properly or give my full attention to kids . I know how you feel and to the posters saying pull yourself together etc it's really not that simple . I went through a rough patch in February and it's all I could concentrate on . I felt so bad for the kids because I was literally just feeding them and making sure they were clean and dressed . I never left the house for days and could not function or do anything other than over think things . Please give this man the space he has asked for . I'm sorry to say but it sounds like he is trying to let you down gently . I am guessing he knows about your bpd and is why he is tip toeing round you op . Give him time , space and DO NOT TEXT HIM

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 18:32

He does know about th BPD but I do genuinely believe he just needs some space. He's completely not the kind of guy who tells people what they want to hear. If he didn't want to be with me he would've said so. He wants to, but he needs to time to sort his finances, find somewhere to live and sort out access to his child before he can give me his 100% which I totally understand because I've been there too! Just doesn't stop it being so painful.
You're right though, I know it's the BPD making me feel this bad. If I was a normal person, I wouldn't be that bothered.

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Farontothemaddingcrowd · 14/08/2017 18:41

I ended up with my dcs teacher asking me if everything was ok. He'd noticed the dc were looking a bit unkempt when they were normally pristine. 4 years on, I'm still devastated that I allowed that to happen. It was because I was devastated by a man dumping me. He said he loved me. He agreed to meet me in a month to talk. Guess what, in a month he didn't want to talk. He was just stringing me along because he was a coward. A year later he messaged 'hey' - obviously hoping I was up for sex. Clearly he thought so little of me. I didn't reply. Don't let this be you. I know how unbearably painful it is. But he isn't 'the one.' The one would never treat you like this. Don't make excuses for him. Who cares what he needs? What about what you need?

Farmerswife4life1984 · 14/08/2017 18:51

Honey you really are flogging a dead horse . If he truly loved you he wouldn't need time away from you to sort out finances or his dc . He would want your support and you by his side . I don't mean to be harsh or burst your bubble but he really isn't that in to you and is not going to come back after a month or so . If he loved you like you say he does then no way would he let you go . It's that simple . I know you don't want to believe it and as a bpd sufferer I get that feeling of trying to pretend that everything is going to be fine because the thought of being alone is simply too much . Please walk away from this man and don't c tact him at all . If he truly loves you he will do all the running . I wish I'd listened to this advice a few months ago myself

Farmerswife4life1984 · 14/08/2017 18:52

Contact

user1495832265 · 14/08/2017 18:54

I'm in full agree with ShitorBust

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 14/08/2017 18:54

It is true. It really really is that simple. If someone loves you, they will not let you go.

Mustang27 · 14/08/2017 18:59

Sorry I'm with Shitorbust too.

It's horrible you are hurting but try and give yourself a shake and look hard at your toddler they are the one!!! The only one that needs your love for the rest of your life! Please don't neglect your baby any longer no man is worth it.

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HadronCollider · 14/08/2017 19:04

Let it die.

Sorry the pain must be awful, but if the relationship was meant to be it would have been. Cut him off in your thoughts and don't meet up with him in a few months time. He'll let you get close and then, just when real intimacy seems near, suddenly realise that he still needs time to recover.

Time wasters like this are preventing you from finding the real 'one'.

SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 20:17

I'm going to I promise.

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SuzukiLi · 14/08/2017 20:20

I just want some tips on things I can do to move on that don't involve self sabotage like i usually do!
I left an abusive relationship when my daughter was a baby and this was the first one I've had since so I know it's going to hurt that little bit more.

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