He's left me and I'm 16 weeks pregnant

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I'm 16 weeks pregnant and my husband has walked out on me. He says he can't take the constant arguing anymore. I can't either. But I never thought he would just go and leave me to have this baby alone. I feel terrified. I have a toddler and I don't think I can raise this baby alone. I don't even know how I will get through the labour! This was a baby he begged for months for. Saying how much he wanted a new baby. Now I feel completely betrayed by him.

DH says I need to leave him alone and give him space to see if he can clear his head. But this has made me quite angry. Am I really meant to just sit around waiting for him to decide if he values our family enough to come back?

I'm really not very good with waiting. I need issues resolved and I tend to struggle with being out of control. And this makes me just want to tell him that fine, we can divorce then. And just go ahead with it. He tells me I am being rash and I just have to give him time but he won't tell me how long for or even what I'm waiting for. I've been told I can't contact him anymore as he doesn't want to talk. But I can't move forward with making this a proper separation either.

Back story to this is i know he's been plotting with a friend to get me to sell the house and move into rented. We are almost near exchange. He said he wanted to do this to his friend so we can more easily split and just take half the money each. I can't afford a mortgage being pregnant with no job and will lose the roof over my babies heads. I've said I don't want to go ahead with the sale. And this makes me unreasonable too. I just don't trust him when I know he has been scheming.

A lot of our arguments stem from him not letting me have a say in anything. I think he's got used to me mainly giving into him because when it's small concessions I do most often just let him have his own way. But when big things happen I can't always just roll over. I feel like I would lose my self respect if I just bite my tongue every time. I'm told I'm not allowed an opinion. Or if I voice it he doesn't need to even compromise and I either put up with it or don't. I'm not sure what happens if I don't! As arguing constantly is not an option. So I guess he's saying I need to leave.

So as not to drip feed:

He has his own company and wants to go out a lot spending a fortune on expensive holidays for staff abroad under the guise of team building while I'm left to stay at home with the toddler. They go out monthly and weekly on various team building events where they are spending thousands each time. It's a small company and I'm a shareholder and I think I should get some say as I think this is wasteful and unnecessary. I'm told it's how he wants to run it and he will continue to do so. Some trips have resulted in young girls knocking on his door in the night claiming he's taking advantage of them! Others they end up just so drunk they are vomiting in their hotel rooms. The company is young and I'm told they want to create this party culture. I think it's dangerous and not conducive to our family life. He's not 20 anymore. I'm told I'm jealous (see other thread) and that I am irrational and need to seek help.

I need him to stop ignoring how I feel about this especially as I'm default child care expected to just let him get on with all this and enable the trips and nights out. I need him to show me some respect and listen to my views and compromise. He won't.

Should I be giving up? I feel so worn down by it now I am almost starting to not care anymore. I'm only fearful of giving birth alone. And probably the following 5 months of no sleep doing everything by myself.

I don't know how he can throw his family away over this.

Am I being unreasonable ?

I don't even know what to think anymore. Sorry it's so long.

Stop having couples counselling with him for a start.
He's a manipulative abuser and you should NEVER have counselling with an abuser.
You end up feeling..... well, like you do after a session.
Counselling on your own would be a good start though so get that in place.

So he basically wants you as the submissive wifey at home waiting on him hand and foot and not questioning anything as he knows best.
Mwhahahahaha. He's an absolute cock of the highest order.
Don't listen to another word he has to say.
None of it is helping you.

Stop counselling together, get some for yourself and then take it from there.

He is emotionally abusing you and discounting you financially. I'm pretty sure I've read on here that you're not supposed to have counselling with an abuser.

This is incredibly difficult, but I would harden your heart and protect yourself emotionally and financially. If counselling is getting you nowhere, then stop. He wants time alone, fine, ignore him. I'm sorry, he sounds like a selfish pig. I would not be contacting him at all.

Please stop the couples counselling. It's not helping you and giving him the power to keep hurting you.

The rules he is setting down should not exist in a healthy relationship. He wants a servant at home who doesn't ask questions. He prob doesn't want you near work events as the OW is there.

Do not trust him and do not date him. He wants sex on tap and to keep you on a string.

Make sure the house cannot be sold. Make sure you have all the paperwork you can access about the business and hardest of all, you need to accept the marriage is over.

He can't be trusted. Sort out set access times for your Ds. Don't let him just turn up. Only communicate through email so you have a record of it all.

Sorry for your loss but you will come out of this stronger. He isn't the man you thought.

My money's on:

He's doing a colleague, hence why he needs his own flat (cant bring her back to his Mum's).

Thats the reason you've been barred from work stuff: so you never meet.

He doesnt want to divorce though, too costly and headachey for him, and besides, it may just be a phase, he may bore of the OW.

Better to just get his own pad and "date" you to keep you patient and stop you divorcing him.

Just a guess!

Im sorry but I just cant help but think no matter how frustrated a guy might be with his partner, the only reason he could ever walk out on his pregnant DP must surely be an OW.

He's behaving like a complete bellend, and you and your babies deserve so much more.

I'm bloody furious with him. He hasn't owned any of it, has he?

Adding my voice to those saying that you should stop couple's counselling immediately. It is never advised for the partner of a controlling abuser, which he most certainly is.
You know in your heart that this is damaging you. He is using the sessions to weaken you and make you even more vulnerable, making you doubt yourself.
A good counsellor would take him to task about what he is saying to you, but it sounds as though he has pulled the wool over your counsellor's eyes.
Please stop going.
My bet is that it has been suggested to him that counselling sessions will look "good" if and when this gets to court.

There must be something fishy going on at work, either an OW or a serious financial situation.
I'd be inclined to drop in there without warning around a lunch time, you could find a lot out.

Tell him that as soon as he has a flat, he can start having your toddler 50:50, tell him that face to face and watch his face go grey.

Don't do date nights with him, it will be just a way of
a) finding out what you are doing, your solicitor is saying etc
b) getting some sex if OW isn't available
c) making sure he can yank your chain when ever he wants to

Stay strong, you have got a rocky road ahead of you which ever path you take.

I'm so sorry. It really sounds like he's been having an affair. I thought maybe a drug problem (my husband is a cocaine addict and lots of your earlier posts ring true to me, especially the chaotic behaviour and personality change) but the flat and the wanting to 'date' you, plus the list of your perceived flaw, is textbook other woman. Read this website www.chumplady.com to gain some insight. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your babies. He's absolute scum.

How are you OP?

South he keeps saying he was about to have a breakdown and had to leave for self preservation. But he says he can't come back and doesn't know when he will be able to come back as he doesn't trust himself to not just give into my requests every time.

I find this so odd as I really can't see how I'm so controlling. Yes we fight about how often he wants to go out and some of the weird inappropriate things that happen on work trips, but really in the most part I feel like the one being controlled.

I decided to go on a spending spree and have bought all the things he said I wasn't allowed. Including a replacement oven glove I was told I shouldn't replace even though it had a massive hole in it and a disgusting old duvet I was also told didn't need replacing. He's not short of cash so I've no idea why I couldn't do these things before. I've also got a few cushions and things that are more my style and some candles. I feel like a total rebel, but the retail therapy did help a little bit!

After reading all your messages I decided I would just try to distance myself from him a bit. Well, that and the fact I'm exhausted from it all and totally numb now and not even sure he's worth all this hassle.

I had been trying to text him to get him back but just didn't send him any messages anymore. It actually felt nicer not to be messaging him and having some space to clear my head.

After a few days he seemed to try to get me to chat again so I'm wondering if he's finding this a bit disconcerting. I've told him that he's pushing me so much why would I want him back. He doesn't seem worried enough to come back, but worried enough to send me a few messages through the night about how he never wanted this.

I've asked about an OW several times and his parents have asked him too and he swears blind there is no one.

He's having a fab time though with no responsibilities. Staying overnight at friends and staying out drinking till the early hours.

I've heard what you've all said about the couples counselling and not going anymore. I think I will try another session or two and try to assert myself a bit more. Then I will decide after that if it's really not helping and I will stop.

Right now I don't know how I feel about him. I'm not even sure if it's love anymore. But I do feel like I should check the relationship can't be salvaged mainly for my children. He was a good dad, even if he was a crap husband.

I really don't think that he is having a "breakdown".

You say yourself that he is out having fun with friends, out drinking, does that sound like someone who is too ill to function?

No it doesn't.

The "breakdown£ excuse is part of the script for erring husbands. It immediately gains the sympathy of their parents, it delays the abandoned wife from taking any action for her own preservation, as the wife is still in thrall to the idea that her husband loves and cares for her, so thinks that there must be something "wrong" with him.
Best of all it gives the husband time to get his own plans in place, and it excuses cold behaviour towards his family.

Your comment about buying a new oven glove as an act of rebellion, is pretty chilling, did he actually have so much control over you that you couldn't buy small household items?

If so, he is an abusive monster.

Forget about him being a good father, no good father would treat the mother of his children the dreadful way that he is treating you. And think of the poor lessons in love and respect his actions are teaching your children.

he is a gaslighting, abusive and I bet cheating prick. Please no more counselling or cosy texts with him any more. Find your self esteem and speak only via a solicitor.

Could you employ a private detective and get the facts you need to deal with this properly and see through his bullshit?

I think you'll be surprised at what you find and it will give you exactly what you need to push forward as you are worth so much more....

This sounds all kinds of wrong to me. Absolutely DO NOT sell the house. Fledgling businesses should be scraping every penny to reinvest and grow the business, not fritter it on crap they are.

It all sounds very suss to me and him wanting more cash flow to continue this infantile "team building" bollocks.

Him contacting you when you go quiet says it all really. Cut him loose.

OP, lots of good advice here that I won't attempt to replicate. But one thing you said that I need to pick up on - he is not a good dad. A good dad would be trying to provide your toddler son with structure at a time when he would clearly be struggling with the upheaval his dad has caused, not showing up at 7am unannounced and leaving days without contact.

My husband and I separated, temporarily, last year, due to his ongoing MH issues. It was a horrible, horrible time, with lots of fights and angry words, but neither of us ever showed that in front of our toddler. He facetimed at every bedtime he couldn't be there and proactively arranged his working schedule so he could spend as much time as possible with her. At a time when he wasn't a great husband, he was, and continues to be, a good dad.

Being a fun, hands on parent when he's present does not make him a good parent - putting your son's (and daughter's) needs before his does. On the most basic level, the fact that he isn't trying to minimise your stress whilst you're carrying his child suggests he is thoughtless and selfish when it comes to his children.

for you, as this is such a rough situation to be in. Your son will be looking to you for strength and you cannot provide that for him if you are giving some of it to your 'd'h through this couples counselling - it's not beneficial for you, or for him, and it's time to put both of your needs above a man who has clearly shown that neither of you are a priority for him.

I would just be on your guard, as another poster here said, it sounds as though he is trying to keep his hand in my 'dating' you and doing the counselling thing, not because he loves you but because he still wants the money from the house.

He could be using cocaine as somebody else said, as that would explain the constant partying and mercenary attitude.

It's hard not to give in to people when we have always relied on them before, but please don't trust him.

Good fathers do not try to fiddle the family home from their children.

He's a selfish prick.

...just to add... I know you have called off the sale of the house but if he wants to get his own flat and 'date' then how is he looking to finance his new place? Just sounds like he's trying to continue with his original plan of stringing you along until he can get you to agree to sell.

A good father doesn't treat the mother of his children like dirt.

Apologies just read over and see that he wants to lease a flat, but I still think he wants to persuade you to sell again and the stuff about being scared of giving into you if he moves back sounds like horse manure. He's keeping his options open and maintaining control.
Trust your feelings that you want to distance yourself from him, he has no values.

He says he needs space, and he is a changed man. He goes on trips getting drunk with female employees. He's moved out.
Not much doubt there what's going on.

I'm very sorry for you OP. He's gone. Look after yourself now.

Sorry your going through this OP, he sounds absolutely awful.

He basically wants you to change everything about yourself so you won't nag him and he can live a single life going out all the time whilst your at home as the nanny/housekeeper ensuring his house is tidy, his meals are made. What has he promised to change for you? Have you even had the chance to talk about the things that bother you or does he just drown out your words with his voice?!

Why don't you give HIM a list and tell him where to stick it?! Can't actually believe the nerve of him!!

Why are you a stakeholder in his company when he wants you to have nothing to do with it?

Divorce the twat and take him for all he's got he's absolutely taking the piss out of you, he won't ever come back he just wants to string you along. And FYI he isn't a good dad, a good dad would be spending time with your son on a weekend, a good dad would be texting you asking how the baby is, how you are, how your appointments are going, he's not interested and I can't understand why you would want him back knowing what he is. He's showing his true colours to you, LEAVE HIM!!

And that horse shit about "dating" is he for real?! You are married and have kids together this isn't the time to be pissing about he's either with you or he isn't?! Is he 16 years old? Jesus.

Get yourself along to a solicitor and start the ball rolling--make it real for him - let him see you are not falling for his shit.

Something very similar to this happened to a close relative of mine, he put all the blame with her told her everything was her fault and she was heart broken by it because it was so out of the blue. You mention his mum, but do you have any of your family around to support you or friends looking out for you? Make sure you've got someone on your side x x