He's left me and I'm 16 weeks pregnant

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I'm 16 weeks pregnant and my husband has walked out on me. He says he can't take the constant arguing anymore. I can't either. But I never thought he would just go and leave me to have this baby alone. I feel terrified. I have a toddler and I don't think I can raise this baby alone. I don't even know how I will get through the labour! This was a baby he begged for months for. Saying how much he wanted a new baby. Now I feel completely betrayed by him.

DH says I need to leave him alone and give him space to see if he can clear his head. But this has made me quite angry. Am I really meant to just sit around waiting for him to decide if he values our family enough to come back?

I'm really not very good with waiting. I need issues resolved and I tend to struggle with being out of control. And this makes me just want to tell him that fine, we can divorce then. And just go ahead with it. He tells me I am being rash and I just have to give him time but he won't tell me how long for or even what I'm waiting for. I've been told I can't contact him anymore as he doesn't want to talk. But I can't move forward with making this a proper separation either.

Back story to this is i know he's been plotting with a friend to get me to sell the house and move into rented. We are almost near exchange. He said he wanted to do this to his friend so we can more easily split and just take half the money each. I can't afford a mortgage being pregnant with no job and will lose the roof over my babies heads. I've said I don't want to go ahead with the sale. And this makes me unreasonable too. I just don't trust him when I know he has been scheming.

A lot of our arguments stem from him not letting me have a say in anything. I think he's got used to me mainly giving into him because when it's small concessions I do most often just let him have his own way. But when big things happen I can't always just roll over. I feel like I would lose my self respect if I just bite my tongue every time. I'm told I'm not allowed an opinion. Or if I voice it he doesn't need to even compromise and I either put up with it or don't. I'm not sure what happens if I don't! As arguing constantly is not an option. So I guess he's saying I need to leave.

So as not to drip feed:

He has his own company and wants to go out a lot spending a fortune on expensive holidays for staff abroad under the guise of team building while I'm left to stay at home with the toddler. They go out monthly and weekly on various team building events where they are spending thousands each time. It's a small company and I'm a shareholder and I think I should get some say as I think this is wasteful and unnecessary. I'm told it's how he wants to run it and he will continue to do so. Some trips have resulted in young girls knocking on his door in the night claiming he's taking advantage of them! Others they end up just so drunk they are vomiting in their hotel rooms. The company is young and I'm told they want to create this party culture. I think it's dangerous and not conducive to our family life. He's not 20 anymore. I'm told I'm jealous (see other thread) and that I am irrational and need to seek help.

I need him to stop ignoring how I feel about this especially as I'm default child care expected to just let him get on with all this and enable the trips and nights out. I need him to show me some respect and listen to my views and compromise. He won't.

Should I be giving up? I feel so worn down by it now I am almost starting to not care anymore. I'm only fearful of giving birth alone. And probably the following 5 months of no sleep doing everything by myself.

I don't know how he can throw his family away over this.

Am I being unreasonable ?

I don't even know what to think anymore. Sorry it's so long.

I'm really struggling.

I feel like I've not slept all week and I'm losing a lot of weight as I can't eat.

Last night I just kept waking up having nightmares that he was with someone else and was never coming back.

He was meant to be seeing our toddler tomorrow to take him out for the day but he hasn't contacted me about times or what was happening as we only have the one car with a car seat. I sent him a text at around 5pm asking when he would be coming and what was happening with the cars. He didn't read this until 1am and didn't reply. I feel angry that this is once again showing that he has no consideration for me. I've just got to guess what time I need to get up and get dressed for. Not that it matters much at the moment since I've been up since 1am drifting in and out of sleep all night anyway so a lie in was hardly ever on the cards!

I spoke to his mum and she says she thinks he's had a breakdown and I just need to give him time.

Never would I have ever imagined he would have been the type of man who would walk out on his pregnant wife. I feel like I couldn't do that to someone I hated, let alone someone I loved.

We have briefly spoken and I've been given a long list of things I have to change about myself with him saying he's not sure I am able to. He is so cold and uncaring. Still making the odd small joke though so doesn't seem completely blank and actually looks ok. He's not crying or anything. He just looks normal and like he's coping a lot better than I am anyway.

I called the midwife a few days ago and I'm waiting for a referral to their mental health maternity team.

I feel like I'm in a really bad way as I can't stop the thoughts from going round my head. And worrying what he is doing and whether he's enjoying his new found freedom. With no nagging wife constantly being sick with morning sickness, and no toddler waking him at 5 each morning.

I never imagined my life would become this. And I don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't have the luxury of being able to run away from my responsibilities like he can. I feel like I want to dig a big hole and bury myself. The anxiety is so much I feel like I can't breathe at times.

Getting some professional help is a very good idea.

Try to minimise contact and limit it to arrangements to see DS.
Try to set up a regular schedule and hold him to the times (if he is late be out).

He has no right to make demands. It is his behaviour that has lead to this, you may not be perfect but his way of dealing with the situation has been wrong.

His mother saying he has had "a breakdown" is just her way of trying to explain why he is showing himself to not be the son she thought she had raised.

You are better off without him, and so will your DC in the long term. ( He wasn't even considering them when trying to sell the house and then split, thinking just of money not of his children needing a home.)

It's really hard to think I will be better off without him at the moment mummytime. I hope you are right.

He turned up at the door at 7am! He couldn't reply to my message about the time he was coming for our son because he was out drinking and lost his phone in a taxi. Apparently.

I can't believe he does this the day before he's supposed to be having our son, for the first time. He's behaving like a child.

I was caught off guard as I wasn't expecting him so early and just got upset. I feel like I let myself down.

DO NOT SELL YOUR HOME!
Go to Citiizens Advice Bureau (CAB) and they will advise you how to claim benefits etc. Do it as soon as you can.

Wow. Classic abuser techniques, OP. I know as I had one too and they don't call it The Script for nothing. Mine genuinely made me doubt my own sanity but it was never me, it was him. Get your ducks in a row and let him show himself up for who he is. Sending you all the love in the world.

I'm so sorry to read that you are having such a hard time. It sounds as though he is trying to keep you on the back foot by messing you around. It is simple spite because he can and because you have tried to assert yourself.
You are doing amazingly well. He probably expected you to beg him to come back and to go along with his plan to take your home from you and your son just to appease him.
I agree with the posters in here who suggest counselling and may I also recommend Insight Timer which is a meditation app, it's free and it's got lots of lovely guided meditations to help you relax at the end of the day when your little one has gone to sleep 💐
You will feel better when you come to terms with the likelihood that the relationship is over, that you need to be become emotionally self sufficient now, he won't be there for you anymore. The blame he is putting on you is his own guilt he is projecting and also a way of keeping you hanging.
You will feel better soon, I promise, if you let yourself experience the grief you need to feel in order to move on. It's lonely but you will at least have peace of mind xx

You will be in shock and grieving, completely natural because of the speed of his decision.

He is cruel and his lack of consideration is no reflection on you.I know you will be desperate to work out what has changed for him but ultimately you won't be able to understand his unhealthy mind.

My guess is he's a very weak man who has embraced a ne life and wants to discard his old life.He is obviously self centred and over time you will reflect on his past behaviours and perhaps see a pattern.

That is why others who have gone through similar know that you will be happier longer term but for now it's obviously devasting.

Do whatever you have to survive for the next few weeks.Try to prioritise eating and rest when you can.You are likely to feel exhausted as it's so emotionally draining.

His is not a good or honourable man and you and your chikdren deserved better.

Is his father around? If so what sort of role model was he?

You need to stop worrying about him and start worrying about you

He's keeping you hanging because he will look bad leaving a pregnant wife

Stop the house sale - he can pay the mortgage and he should

Start looking for paperwork - look on Companies house for accounts

Look after yourself

He's being selfish and has no intention on returning - sorry but he isn't

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time OP, this was always going to be a horrible time, I don't think there's any getting away from that.

Your husband is behaving appallingly. I can understand why it's so hard to accept that this is really happening because an emotionally healthy person would never treat someone else like this. But you can only deal with the situation as it is, not as you'd like it to be unfortunately. You need to just keep protecting yourself as best you can financially and keep putting one foot in front of the other for your little boy. This is rock bottom, it will get better. This will not be your reality forever.

You are doing so, so well. You really are, even though it doesn't feel like it. Well done on contacting the midwife, hopefully the metal health team will get back to you quickly.

Do you have real life support? Can someone come over and be with you today?

Thanks for all the hand holding everyone.

Not much has changed with me. He's still living with his mum.

He has started counselling both on his own and in couples sessions but keeps telling me he thinks it's really too early for the couples sessions as he's "not sure what he wants".

He surprised me at our last session by saying he wants to lease a flat for 6 months as he's fed up with living with his mum but has no intentions of coming back yet. Not until I meet the lengthy list of changes he thinks I need to make. I think he should put up with his mother. I'm putting up with looking after the home, animals, toddler, being pregnant, etc - all alone. It's hardly ideal for me either.

I feel a bit like he's got me knocked up and vulnerable to manipulate me into doing whatever he wants. But perhaps I'm just being a bit harsh.

After attending his counselling he is telling me that I boss him around and try to parent him and the new rules would be that I can have nothing to do with his business. No say on his work nights out or spending or anything. Apparently it's none of my business. Apparently this is normal and I should only have an opinion when it's asked for. I feel like a child being told to speak only when spoken to. He doesn't want me to ever expect or want to come along to a work event, even if it's a big anniversary celebration and that's made me a bit sad. Why would he not want me there?

I'm finding the couples sessions hard as I feel like I'm not getting a chance to speak or raise any issues. I feel exhausted and a bit meek in them. And like he has charmed the counsellor.

He also seems quite high. I know he's been taking something from the doctor for meetings but I thought it was a beta blocker. He's laughing about the fact older relatives don't approve of him walking out on me. And I feel like to him the whole thing seems a bit of a joke.

I wanted to fix my marriage but not with all these conditions. I'm starting to lose any sight of whether I'm in the wrong or not.

But he's so cocking and jack the lad I don't really recognise him.

He said he wants to date me while he's in his new flat. Well it sounds a bit perfect really. Having his cake and eating it too??!

I miss how he used to be kind and soppy and I don't see any of that anymore. He says he's been changing his behaviours to give me a say and listening to my opinions too much so he's become someone else. So perhaps the man I loved just wasn't a real person ?

I feel really lost.

Tell you fucking solicitor today in writing (emailed) that your authority to exchange has been revoked.

If solicitor rings husband that's all the authority they need to exchange.

Keep that house, keep that baby and divorce him.

You'll be absolutely fine. He'll have to provide for you all whilst the kids are so young and until you can return to wok.

You'll likely get to stay in the house until the youngest is out of education or 18.

Do not sell that house. If he's plotting with a friend and splitting proceeds of sale in his head to screw the mother of is children over then he's already checked out. The cunt.

Fight fire with fire here.

And speak and write to your
Solicitor immediately.

Sorry op, whole thread didn't update for me so thought
I'd rtft when I replied.

No problem south.

I have cancelled the house sale but not done much with the solicitor as I feel confused he's up for the couples counselling, but even more confused it seems to be about me just keeping quiet about everything. I think I need a little bit more time before I make this split into an official divorce. But there seem to be no signs of him changing. I guess it's just wishful thinking!

Gosh op it sounds like you're so tied of this.

He's showing you who he is.

You don't need this in your life. I know you've put time in on the marriage but when it turns out like this you have to stop it.

Why does he get to decide?

Why is he calling the shots?

How fucking dare he?!

I know it's frightening on your own but it's better than this.

Your husband should be by your side helping you through the early stages of pregnancy.

Not scheming, gas lighting and steam rolling you. Getting one over on you by charming the mediator (they'll have seen it all before) isn't the actions of a man who is in it for the long haul.

Even if you do mend it so he's there for the first few
Months of baby's life, can you get over this behaviour?

He's scheming and plotting against you like he's Frank fucking Underwood for House of Cards!!!

He's despicable.

Can you see at all that you'll be so much better off without him? I know it's terrifying, but he's telling you who he is now - listen.

Start the split properly.

OP I don't say this often but please LTB.

Why is it all on his terms? He can see how emotional you are and is playing on that, like you're some doormat. Are you a doormat?

As for the counselling, if you want to continue with this shout out you don't feel like you are getting a chance to speak and if it continues that you want to try another counsellor. I imagine the counsellor should have some authority over whether someone is dominating the session and the other isn't getting a look in - he/she shouldn't be allowing this.

As for his work it all sounds very dodgy. Young girls claming to have been taken advantage of... not wanting you to be any part of it. No way would I stand for any of that! Why are you? In the nicest way possible please grow some balls and throw out that doormat. He is taking advantage of you and you're letting him. You know it's wrong. If you broke up, sure you will feel awful for a fair while BUT it will get better and one day I can guarantee you that you will be so angry at yourself for putting up with what you have.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat a loved one? You sound a lot like my mum and now two of my siblings treat her appalingly which I feel stems from my dads behaviour and actions (he is now deceased and she is still coming to terms with who he was.) and she just allows it and then cries to me about it.

I don't mean to sound harsh OP and sorry if I have come across that way. I am sending you lots of cyber handholds and empowering hugs. You got this.

OP I think you should stop the couples sessions for now and have some counselling on your own. It seems as though he's just using the sessions as a way to abuse and control you. I think you need to build up your strength because I can imagine it's very hard to know which way is up at the moment. Have you tried calling Women's Aid? I think you should as you need some real life help.

His requests are not reasonable and his behaviour is not normal. It's not you.

Speak to a solicitor about securing your financial situation during any period of separation.

You can do this, prioritise yourself and your children as much as possible. Look after yourself.

He is controlling, manipulative and abusive. Couples counselling is not recommended with abusers like him.
Please protect your interests as he will stitch you up given the chance.
Read Lundy Bancroft ' why does he do that?' and I'm sure you'll see him in there.
How dare he suggest that you have no input into the business/household finances or family time! He just wants a cook/maid and cleaner.
Let him go now and never look back. Xx

Wow - IP please keep this thread and reread it in a week/month and think

What the hell was I thinking?

He's not the boss of you - you get equal decision making in your family - tell him his evenings and weekend will be taken up with childcare as that's what absent dads do. He's a disgrace

What a shitty wanker he is.

OP did your referral for the maternity mental health come through. If not call your midwife and ask for it to be prioritised. It will help you to speak to them.

The counsellor should be asking your opinion too not just allowing a set of dumb childish dickish rules to be thrown at you.

You twunt will need to accept that he will need to look after both the children at regular times ... fuck his 'I need my dickish work days and nights' and also for you to accept never attending a work event ... so your invisible eh? He has checked out of this relationship for sure. He is so horrible to you and is clearly demonstrating he doesn't give a toss about your feelings at all.

I am so upset for you reading what he saying and doing. Get the anger and speak to your solicitor and start to formalise the 'separation'. You should be looking at how to protect yourself and DC financially.

Sorry I have no practical advice OP, but just wanted to give you moral support.
You are strong, amazing and can do this!
Someone upthread mentioned this song and it seems to fit your situation right now. Get that empowering last verse in your head as your mantra:

Take a look at this video on YouTube:

Stop the couple's counselling: it's a waste of time. If he's going for individual counseling, he's not in the right place for couple's counselling.

He's not saying anything different from when he first left, is he? Is he acknowledging any responsibility? Or is the counselling all about what you're doing wrong? Out of curiousity, who chose the counsellor?

Cherchez la femme.

Dig out and photocopy all financial documents, pension to and as many copies as you can find of what he is paying himself and start seperation proceedings or divorce, im sorry but im in agreement with all above posters, hes checked out of the marraige and it wouldnt surprise me if he tries to shaft you on maintenance payments for the dc either. Also set up a formalised contact arangement for the dc, you need to get angry and strong for your dc and show him that you are not a pushover and will not be bullied.

Op, he is being completely selfish and highly unreasonable.He is playing the victim.

Glad you have stopped the house sale.Could he afford to rent a place without impacting you?
I don't think you could stop him renting but it will reinforce your opinion of how much he has changed and unlikable he is.

I think he's a very weak man, and changes who he is depending on the circumstances.

Could you get some counselling ? Couples counselling is not going to work if he is acting abusively.I suspect he wants to force you to pull out so that he doesn't have guilt.

This could go one of 2 ways..he wakes up in 6 months and realises he's been an idiot.Even if that happens will you ever trust him?
He stays as he is..you will have to divorce him.

It's awful for you..you just need to get through the next few months of intense feelings but it will get better.I was in a similar position last year but time does help.
There will be bad days when his behaviour shocks you to the core but slowly you will come to terms with it.

Be prepared for him to stop money.If this happens you could apply to CMS.I would recommend getting tax credits for now as you are officially separated.

OP you sound fantastic and he sounds absolutely vile.

Agree with PPs that he is using the couples sessions to manipulate you and make him look like the 'reasonable' one.

Fuck him. You will be so much happier without him. It might not feel that way now but with time it will