He's left me and I'm 16 weeks pregnant

[namechanged75465]

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and my husband has walked out on me. He says he can't take the constant arguing anymore. I can't either. But I never thought he would just go and leave me to have this baby alone. I feel terrified. I have a toddler and I don't think I can raise this baby alone. I don't even know how I will get through the labour! This was a baby he begged for months for. Saying how much he wanted a new baby. Now I feel completely betrayed by him.

DH says I need to leave him alone and give him space to see if he can clear his head. But this has made me quite angry. Am I really meant to just sit around waiting for him to decide if he values our family enough to come back?

I'm really not very good with waiting. I need issues resolved and I tend to struggle with being out of control. And this makes me just want to tell him that fine, we can divorce then. And just go ahead with it. He tells me I am being rash and I just have to give him time but he won't tell me how long for or even what I'm waiting for. I've been told I can't contact him anymore as he doesn't want to talk. But I can't move forward with making this a proper separation either.

Back story to this is i know he's been plotting with a friend to get me to sell the house and move into rented. We are almost near exchange. He said he wanted to do this to his friend so we can more easily split and just take half the money each. I can't afford a mortgage being pregnant with no job and will lose the roof over my babies heads. I've said I don't want to go ahead with the sale. And this makes me unreasonable too. I just don't trust him when I know he has been scheming.

A lot of our arguments stem from him not letting me have a say in anything. I think he's got used to me mainly giving into him because when it's small concessions I do most often just let him have his own way. But when big things happen I can't always just roll over. I feel like I would lose my self respect if I just bite my tongue every time. I'm told I'm not allowed an opinion. Or if I voice it he doesn't need to even compromise and I either put up with it or don't. I'm not sure what happens if I don't! As arguing constantly is not an option. So I guess he's saying I need to leave.

So as not to drip feed:

He has his own company and wants to go out a lot spending a fortune on expensive holidays for staff abroad under the guise of team building while I'm left to stay at home with the toddler. They go out monthly and weekly on various team building events where they are spending thousands each time. It's a small company and I'm a shareholder and I think I should get some say as I think this is wasteful and unnecessary. I'm told it's how he wants to run it and he will continue to do so. Some trips have resulted in young girls knocking on his door in the night claiming he's taking advantage of them! Others they end up just so drunk they are vomiting in their hotel rooms. The company is young and I'm told they want to create this party culture. I think it's dangerous and not conducive to our family life. He's not 20 anymore. I'm told I'm jealous (see other thread) and that I am irrational and need to seek help.

I need him to stop ignoring how I feel about this especially as I'm default child care expected to just let him get on with all this and enable the trips and nights out. I need him to show me some respect and listen to my views and compromise. He won't.

Should I be giving up? I feel so worn down by it now I am almost starting to not care anymore. I'm only fearful of giving birth alone. And probably the following 5 months of no sleep doing everything by myself.

I don't know how he can throw his family away over this.

Am I being unreasonable ?

I don't even know what to think anymore. Sorry it's so long.

I'd like to add my voice to the chorus, do not sell or leave the house, it is your children's home and you are their mother, the law will see it this way and there's a good chance he knows this and that's why he's calculated the sale while getting himself out of the way, so he doesn't have to face you and your child throughout his deception. He's probably done all kinds of things that he knows he can't put right so he's trying to come out of your marriage while grabbing as much as he can on his exit. Be strong, you really don't want this person in your life. It's really fortunate that you have come into here and got some good advice in time.

I emailed the estate agents and solicitors and said the sale is off. I then got a message from him saying that he thought I wasn't going to do anything yet. That it seems like I'm trying to conclude things and I need to be calm!!!

I take it that he's not happy.

I'm absolutely calm. What would I be waiting for?

That's fine - let him stew.
Something to think on - if you split he will probably want you to sell your shareholding in his company to him. Which depending on value could be a good bargaining tool to get you the house, so you won't be homeless at all.
Continue to take back power from him!

You've absolutely done the right thing. The question he should be asking is why on earth would you be dancing to his tune when he's left you anyway?

I think he's expecting me to just let him have space to be alone and think so he can decide if he wants me. I think this is why he doesn't want me to do anything. Any decisions I make can't be well reasoned or sensible. He seems to be suggesting I'm not calm and just behaving crazily and "rash". I can only do anything once he's decided it's ok to do so.

And this means I do almost feel like I've been "naughty" by saying I won't sell, without him agreeing. I'm starting to think he had me under his control a lot more than I realised. I shouldn't be feeling like somehow I've been wrong for doing this and not waiting should I?

He won't even say if/when he's coming back. What he's doing or even why he needs this space. I'm not allowed to even try speaking to him!

There's a song by the beautiful south called a little time. Listen to it.

And then let him have as much time as he wants while you do what's best for you and your child.

Protect yourself- cancel the sale of the house for one.

Your a shareholder in the company? There should be a board of directors for you to approach and ask for the financial information.

Book to see a solicitor tomorrow and ask them to approach for the financial information on your behalf. I'm not sure what you can ask for if I'm honest. But from the outset you need to make sure you are calm and professional and not about to get screwed over.

See your gp they won't be hassling you about stress, they will be supportive. Look at gaslighting I think your partner might be trying a bit of that on you.

And most importantly from today forward do what's right for you. Have a think about on what terms you would want the relationship to continue.

And from this second forward he contacts first always and you don't reply for at least at hour. You are not dangling on the end of the phone waiting for him. Even if you are.

It doesn't sound as though this is a healthy relationship OP, you sound quite frightened of your DH? You are running a home and raising a toddler pretty much singlehandedly by the sounds of it, you're not stupid or weak, you sound very strong and together in your posts. To be honest I'm pretty sure that you've got this and will be bloody marvellous without him dragging you down. Do you work outside the home?

Do you have any real life support? I think it would be wise to tell people the truth about what's happening, don't worry about making him look bad, that's his look out, you've done nothing wrong.

In light of the fact that he runs his own business etc I would make contact with a good family solicitor immediately. It's easier to hide money when running a business. Good work on stopping the house sale. Do you have a bank account that only you can access? If not open one ASAP and get as much cash in there as possible.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you when you're pregnant and vulnerable but to be honest from your description of him this may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Good luck.

You can't take the risk of waiting round when pregnant and vulnerable. Some people are very ruthless and will exploit any weakness unfortunately. You have to think of yourself and your child and ctb, even if you do run the risk of overreacting, what does he expect after walking out on you at a time like this. And the last thing you need is to be moving house in your condition anyway. You need as much continuity as possible, and so does your child who is already missing a dad.

What the actual fuck! That's no way to run a company. They must be haemorrgaging money. Sounds like amateur hour to me.

So a few questions:

What's the equity split in the company between the two directors and yourself?

Are there any other shareholders?

Is the company profitable and when was the last set of accounts published through companies house?

If you split make sure the following is done through your solicitor:

Independent valuation of the company to ascertain what your share is worth. This is a significant bargaining chip for you.

Discuss process of getting him removed as a director due to financial mismanagement. You won't actually press this button but he'll know big brother is watching if some unusual financial movement starts to occur.

Op, so sorry you are going through this..seems familiar, "arguing" is his explanation for you trying to be an equal partner.So glad you have managed to retain your independence.Not easy so you must be a strong woman.

I am glad you have stopped the house sale, I suspect he's one step ahead of you and already had legal advice - which would be that hanging on to the house would be best for you.It means he might have to pay the mortgage and that will impact his living standards but tough...legally courts will be interested in what is best for the children not him.

It maybe that's he's had his head turned and suddenly you can't do anything right.Its NOT you however.His immaturity and weak sense of self has caused this.Devastating for you however.

Could drugs be a feature as well as alcohol? These work cultures that don't support family life don't last forever as eventually people grow up.Its pretty sad to be acting like a teen when you are supposed to be a grown up.

Hey there name I hope you managed to get some rest last night, through all of this you will have to look after yourself for your own sake and for your children, so rest whenever you can, drink plenty of fluids, eat even if you don't feel like it, keep snacks like cheese and crackers available, so you have something to eat if you are not up to cooking.

He sounds like a manipulative scum bag. He doesn't want you to take any action yet, so that it give him the chance to get all his own plans underway. He will have been planning this for some time, but it is all a shock to you.

He is playing mind games with you, trying to make you vulnerable and begin doubting your own sensible thoughts. Don't listen to him.

Be prepared to find out that there is an OW already in the background here, very few men leave a marriage merely for "head space" mostly it is for "cock space".
This could be why he's too busy to see your toddler, he's out playing himself.

Up to now he is following The Script very closely, included in The Script is the certainty that he will try to blame HIS betrayal and abandonment of you on your "faults" ! Ignore all that when he starts.

Forget that he is your friend, he isn't.
Very well done on blocking the sale of the house, that will have rattled him and shown that you are going to fight back.
Clear out half of all joint accounts if you've not already done so, keep records of what you do.
Start a detailed diary with records of all communications with him. Keep copies of all emails etc.
Do not agree to any suggestions from him, especially financial, without seeking asdvice first,

You are doing great!! Keep posting, there is always someone here.

Your husband is up to no good and I think he's trying to shaft you one way or another.

Well done on halting the sale of the house. He's trying to bully you on this.

I don't think he quite understands how it feels for you, being told he needs space while you're pregnant.

It's exceedingly selfish of him. I'm a bit like you and lack patience in these situations. I'd want to know where I am and move forward. I don't take kindly to being dangled.

Especially after he begged for the baby.

Sounds like OW to me.

Thank you everyone for your replies. You've given me a lot to think about.

I've been having mostly a good day and then all of a sudden I realise the enormity of all of this and end up in tears.

I just find it so hard to imagine him as scheming anything or really cheating on me.

But then I never thought he'd abandon me while pregnant with his longed for daughter either.

I don't think he cares how I feel sandy. He hasn't really cared about the intense morning sickness I've had or don't anything really to help me or anything that's basic kindness.

Hermonie I don't think drugs are involved but I guess anything could be the case. It's like I don't know him anymore. He's a former shadow of himself.

I really think it is a power struggle. But how do you get beyond that without one of you becoming walked all over?

I've been thinking a lot about him today and trying to think about what I could have / should have done differently. Where I went wrong.

He says most of our arguments stem from my jealousy and whilst maybe I've been jealous about some stuff, I think our arguments stem from him putting work before me. And before family.

I was remembering our little boy was seriously sick in hospital late last year. At the point that we weren't sure if he would pull through and whilst he came to the hospital in body, he wasn't there in spirit. He hid in the parents room on his laptop all day. Was taking calls through the day. He was even demanding we were discharged at a time that worked around his conference calls.

The worse moment was a time when my son needed blood taken and I'm terrible with blood and they were so rough and pounding at him the first time I was terrified. I needed him to hold him and make sure he wasn't hurt as I kept crying and couldn't watch. He said he didn't have time as a conference call was at that time. I told him I would never forgive him if he went to that call and he walked off to do it anyway. I went in to do my best with my son with the blood and a few moments later he returned. And said he delayed the call and would take over. He obviously thought better of it in those few minutes.

But I just don't see why I have to fight so hard for him to put us before work.

I'm not sure id have any power to get him removed as a director bam. I really don't know that my shares mean very much at all.

There are 2 directors of which he is one. 4 shareholders with 1200 shares split 500/500
Between directors and 100/100 between me and 1 other.

All are ordinary shares although mine are called "a" ordinary shares. I don't really know what that means. Do you know?

I've found a good few family lawyers today so I will bring this all up with them. So thank you for your help!

No sunshine. I used to have a good career and was well paid but we decided I would stay at home while the children were young and I'm feeling very vulnerable about all of that now. Staying at home has been a huge change for me as I loved the success I felt at work and I've struggled to adjust and that's probably why I do get so opinionated or over invested with his business.

I don't feel frightened so much. I don't think he will hurt me physically. I just feel like I'm so unaccustomed to making a decision I've not run by him first and having him agree to. And this feels like something big, we should agree on. And if we don't agree I tend to do what he wants in the most part. I feel like I need him to say I'm doing the right thing even about this which I know is ridiculous!

I am also scared of doing anything out of anger which makes things irreversible as part of me still hopes he will come home and beg forgiveness. Even if that seems increasingly unlikely as each day passes.

Sorry you are going through this. Glad you will be calling solicitors tomorrow. Make notes what you need answers for urgently, like where you stand with the house if you divorce, will you afford the mortgage, you may receive benefits to pay the interest element of the mortgage if you don't have the income/savings to cover it. what maintenance will he pay? as with him owning his own company will his dividends/ company benefits be taken into account?

with the 'a' shares they are a different class of share, so my understanding is the company can pay dividends to only one class of share if it chooses so the ordinary shares could receive £× and the 'a' ordinary receive £y. the x or y could be 0 or a different £ amount to the other class of share.

It does feel enormous and he is placing all the blame on you.

I don't know if there is an OW but he had definitely been taking the p*ss with his lost weekends and the way he has treated you when your son was ill and since being pregnant is very callous. It would have been hasty to sell the house when he had left, not to decide to call off the sale.

I want you to know you are not alone, I am 17 weeks pregnant and have a toddler and my partner and I are on the brink of splitting, I totally understand your fear and vulnerability. Sending love and strength 💐

Thanks ariver. I'm so sorry you're having some problems too.

I went to see a solicitor today, and had a bit of a pampering at the hairdressers. I was feeling a lot better and then he contacted me again in the evening but basically told me after a few messages that I couldn't speak to him anymore. He's only allowed to decide when/how we communicate it seems.

Meanwhile my son won't go to bed. He's been so unsettled these past few days. He knows something is wrong even though I keep telling him daddy is just at work. I think he can sense I'm very distracted and sad. He's had a record number of milks today when we are meant to be weaning(!) but I've just let him because I think he's finding it comforting. He just sobs and calls out to me and seems to only be able to fall asleep on me. Currently I've got him lying across my lap with a pillow clutching hold of his little silver model of "daddy's car".

I've got a second solicitor calling me back tomorrow about the shares and I've got a load of paperwork together which has been partially scanned and backed up. I am struggling to do the rest with my son being up so late each night. But I will try to finish it all off tomorrow if he decides to nap.

I felt the first proper baby kicks today and am feeling sad I'm going through all this alone. But the reality is that it's not like he was interested in any of it when he was here anyway! I'm increasingly feeling myself drifting between extreme anger and numb indifference towards him. I don't seem to have much in the middle at the moment!

He says there's no other woman but who knows. If there's not then he is just a selfish prick I guess!

I hope seeing a solicitor made you feel a bit more positive about how you would cope after a divorce. I also hope that you have got some real life support you can depend on, family or friends.

The business of him being the one who will decide when the two of you communicate is a classic controling mechanism. He's using it to make you feel powerless and weak, and frustrated.
When he messages you, don't reply, leave him stewing for a day or two.

They all deny an affair at first, it will be a while before the truth comes out.

He is doing his best to blame you for all the problems, but don't you believe him, he will have created a lot of the arguements himself in order to have an excuse to leave and to make you feel guilty and responsible for his failings.

How lovely for you to feel your baby move, I remember when that happened to me (a lifetime ago!)
I know you must be sad to be alone today, but your life will get better, and you and your children will have many happy years ahead of you.

I think he needs the money from the sale of the house to prop up his business. You would never see your share of the equity in the house.

You must stop the sale, for that reason and also to keep your home.

Not surprised you had a good career beforehand and when the power shifted (in his head) he started to disrespect you.

Feels very familiar to my situation.We were mostly partners until ex got a new job and his career and salary increased dramatically.

The man I knew mostly disappeared, replaced by someone arrogant and entitled.

It's awful and baffling especially as you are pregnant but it's him and not you.

I hope your meeting with the solicitor went ok and that your little one is sleeping better. He will get used to his dad not being around so much and so will you 💐