Money lies

[operaha]

Be gentle.

Husband lied about a huge amount of money before we got married. I helped him sort it out, he's back on track. It was massive and I don't think I've ever recovered from it.

Just found out he has a 6.5k debt on credit card.

I'm so scared of debt I manage money carefully. I earn a reasonable amount and own my house so live a fairly comfortable life but I'm not well off to any extent, just watch the pennies and can afford nice things.

Husband is self employed and business going well though again not a massive earner.

I knew there was a credit card but thought it was around 2k.
This has really changed things as I think the amount is significant enough to stress over and also, he fucking bastarding lied again.

Im in shock and numb and not quite with it.
If I leave him I'll make him and his dc homeless.

I always read the "but he's a great bloke in all other ways" shit on here and he is. Money is his problem in that he fucking lies about it, but my god what he does for me and my kids and the fun we have together is fantastic.

However I'm slowly facing up to the fact I don't think I'll ever trust him and that just means I'm prolonging things... I can't look at him. I'm so mad, I'm so offended, I'm upset but does the fact I knew there was a bit on that credit card make it less awful?
I'll also add that long before we married he hid a relatively small amount on credit card from me and I went fucking crazy. This is so much worse.

We've got holidays booked and I literally don't think he'd cope without me.

Fucks sake.

Sorry about the swearing.

I'm so sad.

We had pre arranged drinks with some visiting friends yesterday so we slapped smiles on and went out with them, it was so good then every so often I'd remember it's not real.

I confided in a couple of friends. One is in major debt and lies to his oh all the time so doesn't think it's that bad and the others went through it with me before and are appalled.

I'm so jealous of everyone around me who have nice relationships.

Ive said ill stand by him until its paid back, that is if he spends no money etc, then we'll see if there's a relationship left.

I've contacted a counsellor too, quite scared of that but I think my head needs it.

Is he contrite at all?

As for being jealous of other people's relationships remember that you only see what they want you to see.

I'm so much happier being single. It's far less stressful, there are lows but not like the Ines you get when you're in a relationship that's not a proper partnership and all those women in 'incredibly happy relationships' tell how lucky I am and how they wish they were me...

He's acting mostly like everything's normal which obviously it isn't.

I know he's sorry and he thinks he has it in hand but I've told him he has to clear it before I consider staying with him. Dunno what timescale I give him for that though.

Im not even sure it's a plan. I'm so scared of throwing away my marriage. I'm so scared of sitting on the sofa alone night after night wishing he was here.

I hate him for this. But I love him, and this is all I go back and forward to.... every time I think I can cope I get so upset at the fact he has lied so many times.
He's really fucked it all up.

It all sounds a bit nebulous and you're letting him fix something which he's probably not capable of fixing.

Love is a strange thing. It's often a crutch, an excuse, a habit, a weapon used to make you stay, a reason to do nothing except stay for longer and keep up the torture, a terrible addiction but despite that it's the holy grail we all search for. Love is not a reason to stay when it makes you feel like this.

I had EXH like this, lies, overspending etc. I tried so hard to 'fix' him, he let me. Whatever I suggested, he praised, agreed to and embraced wholeheartedly. No actions though, no change and I eventually had to acknowledge that I really couldn't fix him.

I think you may be heading down this route. Suggest you tell him he has broken your trust, broken his marriage vows and the marriage is over UNLESS he has a plan to fix it. Put the ball firmly in his court. He has one opportunity to step up, demonstrate his emotional maturity and rebuild trust.

Don't tell him what the plan should include but it needs the following. Specific financial details (a copy of his experian report would reassure you no more debt is hiding elsewhere), counselling (for him, not you; you don't need it), a timescale (no more than 3 months), an extra part-time job (NMW if nothing else available), selling his designer stuff that he can't afford and a chat to his kids to explain how and why the purse-strings need pulling in very tightly.

If he doesn't recognise the importance of this deceit and breach of trust now then I'm sorry, but in my opinion you will definitely be separating either now or in the future. I wish I had walked so much earlier and saved myself the hurt and upset. Fixing someone else is just not possible.

My best friend says if you love someone you never walk away. No matter what, never.

I don't feel like this is true. I love him and think I always will but I also see myself not staying with him due to the fact I font trust him.

She's making me feel that I don't love him "enough"

Sometimes you have to walk away for the sake of your own self-respect. If the relationship carries on like this it could also start to affect your mental health.

Your friend is wrong, but I think you know this really.

It is affecting my mental health, I feel completely bowled over. I can't do anything today and have so much that I must as I'm taking my son oon holiday tomorrow. A bit of space and sunshine for a week might help me think better.

Do you know, 20 years ago I might have said the same thing as your friend but I was still wearing rose tinted spectacles. Just because she's your best friend it doesn't mean she's qualified to advise you on all areas of life.

It's good you're going away so you'll have some thinking time.

She's 5 years older than me and been happily married for 20. I don't think she's right but she won't have it at all. It's not helpful to talk to her.

Your friend is wrong. I too stayed because I believed this (and catholic upbringing regarding marriage vows). Then I realised that my mental health was awful, my kids were suffering due to the atmosphere, lack of financial security and because he blew all our money. He said he loved me but his actions weren't supporting that.

I, and our marriage, was a convenient way for him to live recklessly whilst I picked up the pieces, managed on ever decreasing amounts of money, took a second job whilst he lost his! His behaviour is disrespectful, selfish, immature and the opposite of loving. You deserve a whole lot more. Loving him shouldn't make your life harder and worse; he should be your rock, friend and partner through life. He isn't. Walk away.

I know she is wrong. I am not going for a cuppa today with her. i havent left the house at all but thankfully all dc not here. I have to go to his mums later to do a thing for his nan's 90th with them all but other than that I just want to be in my safe space ie home. He text to say "good news, mum's cooking" and I thought I was going to have a panic attack, phoned him straight away and made it clear I was going for his Nan and Mum and he needs to tell her I have already done dinner. No way am I playing happy families tonight, and I have actually chucked some dinner in as I knew we would be out for an hour or so.
Need my holiday!!

Wish I had discovered MN back years ago. So much sense on here; so little in real life . Keep focusing on your needs, not his.