Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money lies

88 replies

operaha · 12/08/2017 09:25

Be gentle.

Husband lied about a huge amount of money before we got married. I helped him sort it out, he's back on track. It was massive and I don't think I've ever recovered from it.

Just found out he has a 6.5k debt on credit card.

I'm so scared of debt I manage money carefully. I earn a reasonable amount and own my house so live a fairly comfortable life but I'm not well off to any extent, just watch the pennies and can afford nice things.

Husband is self employed and business going well though again not a massive earner.

I knew there was a credit card but thought it was around 2k.
This has really changed things as I think the amount is significant enough to stress over and also, he fucking bastarding lied again.

Im in shock and numb and not quite with it.
If I leave him I'll make him and his dc homeless.

I always read the "but he's a great bloke in all other ways" shit on here and he is. Money is his problem in that he fucking lies about it, but my god what he does for me and my kids and the fun we have together is fantastic.

However I'm slowly facing up to the fact I don't think I'll ever trust him and that just means I'm prolonging things... I can't look at him. I'm so mad, I'm so offended, I'm upset but does the fact I knew there was a bit on that credit card make it less awful?
I'll also add that long before we married he hid a relatively small amount on credit card from me and I went fucking crazy. This is so much worse.

We've got holidays booked and I literally don't think he'd cope without me.

Fucks sake.

Sorry about the swearing. Sad

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 13/08/2017 10:17

In my experience self employed people deal with money differently. They often have money coming in in bulk when a job is complete so could clear that kind of debt quickly. Then they have lean times again.That may not apply here.
Keep all your money separate and make sure he pays bills for his dc.

happypoobum · 13/08/2017 10:24

He will not make any claim on my house as we had a pre nup type thing before getting married, im not worried about that.

Good luck with that!

Original poster
operaha · 13/08/2017 10:24

He doesn't earn that kind of money, it's small regular amounts.

I'm just re reading some of the more harsh posts, I'm feeling pretty fragile and wow they're brutal. I wish people could know us. I'm not like the dominant person I'm being made out to be. This entire incident has been handled with dignity and no raised voices whatsoever. No histrionics, just discussion as to why he cant tell the truth. As I said before it runs way deeper than him being worried about my reaction, fuck me I'm not perfect, I just found out I ran up a massive phone bill calling a couple of places abroad the other day, I'm really cross at myself but I'm able to tell him that.

He isn't prepared to seek help with this. He had counselling after the big incident and thinks he's fine now. That's a bit of a worry.

OP posts:
Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 13/08/2017 10:37

Don't take the harsh posts to heart OP (easier said than done). That's MN for you.

So when you say lying is deeply ingrained in him does that mean lying about other topics in general or just money?

Original poster
operaha · 13/08/2017 10:48

I really don't know. I'd like to say just money but it's not, it's any situation he's worried about pissing someone off. He lied to me years ago about a female friend that I knew was overly interested in him. He lied about her contacting him. It was so stupid.
He lied to his mum about a trip we were taking as it meant he was missing a family event rather than just talk it out. Again, stupid.

He doesn't talk properly with his kids, they're 13 and 16 and need to be involved in decisions but he just makes decisions for them and I think it's really unhealthy that he doesn't allow them that responsibility.
As I think about it more examples crop up.

OP posts:
Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 13/08/2017 10:58

Oh fuck. If he lies generally I think you've got way bigger relationship problems than his finances I'm afraid.

He sounds pretty weak and I cannot tolerate any form of lying especially half truths and lying by omission. I've left a marriage and two relationships since XH over lying. You can't have a grown up relationship and sort out problems if you're never fully in the picture.

motheroftwojedi · 13/08/2017 11:01

I have been in this situation with my DH 3 or 4 times in our marriage. The scale of the debt was one thing but the deceit is the bit that hurts. We have tried all manner of ways to help him develop his financial responsibilities. I used to bail him out time and time again and if I refused his parents would bail him out instead. It all came to a bit of a head a year or so ago and I had to make a choice about dealing with whatever his root problem is/was with money or going it alone. I decided to give him a final chance. Like you say, he is good in so many other ways.

We are now almost debt free and I whilst I do still have to carry most of the financial responsibility things are much better since he did CAP money course. He realised in doing the course that he had never been taught how to manage money and he does now talk about money rather than bury his head in the sand. For me, the fact we now talk about money and he understands budgeting has had a huge impact.

I remember finding out about a secret pay day loan he'd taken out. 'Fucking crazy' doesn't even come close to describing how I felt. I totally understand your reaction and hope you guys can sort this out.

Original poster
operaha · 13/08/2017 11:07

Can I ask what the lies were? I'm struggling to gain perspective on how much is acceptable and worth working on.

I think even if we split we'll remain really close, he's lovely and though no children together we have two gorgeous dogs! I couldn't take them away from him.

You're right we have bigger issues that this has highlighted, but as I said before he's not willing to get help for his and I'm not willing to be with a man that won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
operaha · 13/08/2017 11:08

That was to beenthere, motheroftwo it's hard to believe I didn't write your post x

OP posts:
bluediamonds · 13/08/2017 11:09

OP I don't wish to worry you, but if I were you I'd be seriously worried about the pre-nup with regards to your house if you're in the UK.
If you're US there's a time limit for pre-nups (a number of years) and then it becomes void. Maybe legal advice would be a good thing here. Also any debt he has is yours as well as you're married.
Mr Nice Guy could easily turn in Not Mr Nice Guy when there's £ involved.
Hope it turns out well for you.

Original poster
operaha · 13/08/2017 11:13

I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow.

I'm not worried about the house.

OP posts:
Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 13/08/2017 11:31

Women. All women.

XH had an affair. When I found out he declared his undying love for me said it was over with OW blah blah blah. He kept seeing OW. I only found out by hacking into a secret email account. I knew in my gut but needed proof. When I read all the messages they exchanged night after night while he was telling me I was his only true love I left that same day and never looked back. He never lied about anything else and was very fair about money in the divorce.

The next relationships they lied about their FWBs still being in the picture being kept on the back burner! One saw her when I went away on holiday with a girlfriend and with the next one the FWB turned out to be his boss!

Sadly I seem to be attracted to a lothario...

Original poster
operaha · 13/08/2017 11:35

God I can't even imagine dating again, that sounds awful and as for the ex husband Angry
See, surely money lying isn't the same as an affair? I'm being harsh on him because lying is a deal breaker for me, one he is very clear on and he still chose to lie.
He's doing the garden at the moment, it looks amazing, he's so bloody good at being a husband in every other way.

OP posts:
Cherrytart6 · 13/08/2017 11:47

I don't expect a prenup means much.

I would divorce.

Cherrytart6 · 13/08/2017 11:49

Well you can't trust him one jot. What future have you if there's no trust

Cherrytart6 · 13/08/2017 11:49

Does he still half own his old house?

Cherrytart6 · 13/08/2017 11:50

How long have the kids lived with you?

Original poster
operaha · 13/08/2017 11:50

Cherry thats what I keep thinking. But he obviously has a problem. If he was willing to get help there could be a chance but he just seems resigned to "this is who I am"

OP posts:
Original poster
operaha · 13/08/2017 11:51

No he doesn't they rented and about a year

OP posts:
Kittychatcat · 13/08/2017 12:06

How long have you been married? He might have a claim on your house, even with a pre nup, if it's been more than 4 or 5 years.

Ignoring the money stuff for a moment (although £6.5k debt is a lot), do you really want to stay married to someone who keeps lying to you? However nice he is in every other way, he doesn't respect you enough to be honest. It's no way to live and I think you deserve better

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 13/08/2017 12:12

It strikes me that you really need to step back and look at the other areas he lies about. Is he someone that compartmentalises the bits of his life that don't suit what he wants to do or say today and then lies about them for an easy life? I value peace of mind above all else so wouldn't be able to handle that.

You'll only move forward if you're searingly honest with yourself. Have you tried writing down a list of all the things you do like about him and all the things you don't? I did that with the latest ex and it really helped me to see how delusional he was. It took a few days to compile a list of things that irked and seriously bothered me but it was well worth it to see it all in black and white.

Original poster
operaha · 13/08/2017 12:52

We've been married 2 years

OP posts:
Kittychatcat · 13/08/2017 14:27

The longer you stay married to him the greater the claim on your house. You sound sensible going to see a solicitor.

Whatever the deep seated psychological reasons for lying, they are for him to sort out and get help, not you. Look after yourself, operaha.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 13/08/2017 15:34

When you see your solicitor do clarify the issue about the house. Ordinarily I'd agree that a house owned by you prior to the relationship and subsequent marriage where he has not contributed to improving the value of that house in terms of making substantial improvements and where you've only been married a short while is not up for grabs by him. BUT I think I read up thread that his DCs now live with you full time. Courts always protect the children's residence so do ask your solicitor about that rather than assuming it will be OK. Their moving in could be a material change not envisaged by the prenup so do ask the question.

Mysteriouscurle · 13/08/2017 20:05

I too am appalled at the victim blaming and the OP being accused of being controlling. Its 6.5k on credit this time. You help him sort it. It might be 10k next time. Then 25k.
Or 40k. By which time you will be broken. Someone with secret debt is a liability and will ruin your life if you stick around long enough. Its an addiction. Like any other. Shame on the pps blaming the OP. I guess they have never been on the receiving end of discovering ever increasing debts. You sort one debt out and the selfish bastards get busy running up another