Money lies

[operaha]

Be gentle.

Husband lied about a huge amount of money before we got married. I helped him sort it out, he's back on track. It was massive and I don't think I've ever recovered from it.

Just found out he has a 6.5k debt on credit card.

I'm so scared of debt I manage money carefully. I earn a reasonable amount and own my house so live a fairly comfortable life but I'm not well off to any extent, just watch the pennies and can afford nice things.

Husband is self employed and business going well though again not a massive earner.

I knew there was a credit card but thought it was around 2k.
This has really changed things as I think the amount is significant enough to stress over and also, he fucking bastarding lied again.

Im in shock and numb and not quite with it.
If I leave him I'll make him and his dc homeless.

I always read the "but he's a great bloke in all other ways" shit on here and he is. Money is his problem in that he fucking lies about it, but my god what he does for me and my kids and the fun we have together is fantastic.

However I'm slowly facing up to the fact I don't think I'll ever trust him and that just means I'm prolonging things... I can't look at him. I'm so mad, I'm so offended, I'm upset but does the fact I knew there was a bit on that credit card make it less awful?
I'll also add that long before we married he hid a relatively small amount on credit card from me and I went fucking crazy. This is so much worse.

We've got holidays booked and I literally don't think he'd cope without me.

Fucks sake.

Sorry about the swearing.

That's the thing. I don't think I want to be his keeper. I don't want control of his finances I want him to control them. But he can't. So I'm left feeling very confused about the future.

It sounds to me like a guy who wants you all to be happy and hence doesn't always want to be upfront because it would mean sometimes saying you couldn't afford stuff, being self employed is often very stressful this way as cash flow is often erratic. I know what I'm talking about OP as we have had the reverse situation and are both self employed and work together. I think it's a shame to throw it away if he is amazing in other ways, I just think it needs a very upfront chat and explain you are happier if he is honest rather than keeping his ego in tact and ask if he would find it easier if you had full control

With money I think there can be 'good controlling' and 'bad controlling'. Bad controlling would be restricting access to money, unequal spending money, not having money for basics when the other party has lots, and obviously never acceptable.

Good controlling would be when one party has demonstrated, often time and time again, that they are shit with money, spend unaffordably on non essentials when bills go unpaid, let debts build up and become bad debts, ruining credit ratings and generating bank charges etc etc.

There is often simply no way of sharing money with someone like that without restricting their access to money (eg they don't have any access to the bills account but get a (budgeted and affordable) amount of spending money to spend as they wish, but when it's gone it's gone.

Yes yetmore that sums him up.

I think it's chipped away at me more than I realised and I don't feel I have any more in me because we've been here before, he's promised me he'd never lie again, I've calmly explained that he can tell me anything and that we're stronger together than if one of us is hiding stuff.

Im exhausted by it so just need to take time to think and breathe.

I really don't understand the victim blaming that's been going on here. People are saying it's your fault because you react badly! Unbelievable.

OP, this isn't a problem that's going to go away. It will get worse. You might shout and yell (and why shouldn't you?) but in the end he stays with you and it all calms down again. Until the next time.

If I were you I'd pay for a rental deposit on a flat big enough for him and his sons and I'd pay for a month or two of rent and then I would cut loose from him. Yes, I'd divorce him over this.

Living with a liar is terrible - you never know what's going on in your own life. Living with someone who can't control his money to that extent is terrible, too - you will be living on eggshells.

Break free from him.

I would take control of his finances or leave him. Living with that level of debt would frighten me to death. Your house is joint your married. If he's reckless he could take you down with him and you might not even know until it's too late.
Those calling finl abuse BS! If someone cannot be responsible with money they are dangerous spouse.

I'm sorry you've got this worrying situation to deal with, it's often the lying not the money that can be the kiss of death to a relationship. I have been through this myself with my exh which resulted in our divorcing. I asked myself, can I keep looking over my shoulder and wondering if he's telling the truth or not? and sadly the answer was 'no'. We did have separate accounts, so it was his debt, but got to the stage where finance companies were ringing the house on a regular basis and then one day I came home to find a note from debt collectors through the door for what was in those days poll tax arrears. I was just like you, always totally financially prudent, and it was a huge blow. It took a few years to get over, I and my young toddler moved away so my parents could help me. Got back to work and met my lovely husband, and we have been together for over 20 years. I would say, go with your gut feeling. If you think his good qualities outweigh the fact that he is bad with money, then it can only be your decision to stay or not. But I really would counsel caution. I sincerely hope you get the right outcome for you. So sorry.

He's just text me. He says it's large but he's managing and not adding to it and he's paying more than the minimum every month. All it's really done is make me think how fucking big was it before I found out?
He doesn't know why he lied about it and had I not asked to see the statement he'd have carried on lying.

He's got no savings and I expect his next tax return will go on it, increasing out further.

I feel like I'm suffocating in his debt.

I feel like I'm suffocating in his debt.

You can put a stop to this right now by ending the relationship.

Do you have enough money to pay for a deposit on a rental flat and the first month's rent? If you do, then get that sorted and tell him he has to leave.

Why don't you take over his finances and teach him to manage them better? You are married. If you're financially savvy (and it sounds like you are) you can sort this debt out and make sure it doesn't happen again. I know from experience that debt can be very very embarrassing and I'm not surprised he hasn't told you. I had a much larger debt than that when I met my ex and i never told him. I managed to pay it off and now I'm financially savvy too. My DP has quite a bit of debt too (I don't know how much but sight of his bank balance made me shudder). We don't live together but if we did I'd insist on managing the money simply because it doesn't seem to me he's very good at it. The lies your DH have told are upsetting but this can be sorted out with some practical thinking so it doesn't happen again. If he's as lovely as you say in other ways this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me

Don't take on the responsibility of sorting out HIS debt, or you will be in for a lifetime of having to monitor, control and administration of HIS financial disasters. At some point his failings will become "your fault because you were sorting it out for me", and then he can blame you entirely.

To adapt a phrase:
"Lie to me once, fool on you, lie to me twice...fool on me."

I feel like I'm suffocating in his debt.
Very soon, it will become YOUR debt, and then you'll be drowning.

I don't want the responsibility of handling his finances, I do enough.

I'm working today and chatting with a wise colleague who is 20+ years older. Her husband has done the same all their married lives and she doesn't think mine will change.

How much more time and effort do I put in? When do you say enough.

Im 38. I don't want to start again, I don't want to be single. My children are grown up, well I have one who is 12 but the other two one has moved out and one is at uni. They've got their lives sorted at 20 and 18 and I'm in a mess at 38.
I'm really sad

Can you explain your situation OP?

You live with DH, your 12 year old, and his DC from a prev marriage? How old are they?

If he has dependent DC living with you, and as you are married, if you split, he may have a claim on the house. I think you need to get legal advice.

A woman I work with recently found herself in a similar situation and thought that as the house was just in her name it was "hers." She was wrong................

Yes that's right.

He will not make any claim on my house as we had a pre nup type thing before getting married, im not worried about that.
His kids are 13 and 16.
It's more a question of whether I think he'll change (no) and my own self respect.

Plus points - he's awesome, intelligent, good dad, great cook, attentive, gorgeous, handy, loves my friends and family, on paper he's great.
But then this massive pile of shit hangs over us, I've never recovered emotionally from the first huge business one (the original credit card one I got my head round and I can genuinely say we were fine after that) and it's clear to me that we shouldn't have married but we did and now I'm sat staring into space wondering if I still love him.

Got to be at a barbecue soon, I better get an excuse ready as to why he's not coming.

Does he realise the huge impact that his financial mismanagement is having on you or have been downplaying this?

No he doesn't realise at all.

Im broken today.

Then you do need to tell him. You need to get your head in the right zone and explain exactly how monumental this is for you. If this is the only issue making you seriously consider leaving him then he does need to know.

I totally understand the corrosive impact of lies, half-truths and lying by omission but he needs to know how you feel.

My XH never gave our marriage a chance as he'd emotionally checked out and bonded with OW without raising a single issue with me. He was horrified when he realised it could have been fixed but by the time I found out about OW so many lies had been told that I couldn't work it out with him as I could never trust him again. My biggest regret was not being told he was unhappy.

Do tell your H and make sure he really gets that this is killing you inside and killing your relationship.

I realise that this probably won't change your view and probably won't change his financial habits but it seems to be the only place to start.

I would be livid if I found out my dp had 6.5k debt on a credit card that he was keeping a secret!

Especially if it wasn't the first time that he had lied about money, first time I would forgive, second time not a chance. 6.5k is a lot of money!
His spending clearly is out of control if it's not the first time and he has that amount on a credit card!! I don't know how anyone can say he has it under control. Can't afford it = can't have it!
Some people live in debt every single day as they like to live way beyond there means, you don't sound like that op & im not like that either so I can completely understand why you would be so fuming about this.
The bottom line is he will more then likely never change. My partners dad is like this, years ago they had to remortgage there house to pay of his debt! And about 5 years ago he also built up 5k on a credit card & he had to sale his car and down grade to a cheaper one to pay it nearly all off so my partners mum didn't find out! (He told my dp, that's how I know).

Do you have a pre nup? Just wondering why you're saying the house is yours and he would be homeless if you split? Surely if you're married you own it jointly?

Im appalled at the victim blaming on here. Hes kept this massive debt a secret from you. And ppl on here saying you should suck it up while you are also looking after the kids from his first marriage ........yet you are being victim blamed and still being cast as the one in the wrong.

I don't think you are controlling at all - I think you are extremely sensible. Look at probable possible future scenarios...finding another hidden debt in 5, 10 maybe 20 years time?? Will you ever be able to completely relax and trust him?

I wouldn't risk it personally, but good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Sweetluck - she put in a earlier post somewhere that she had him sign something before they got married regarding the house. So he won't be entitled to it.

Pre nup type documents are easily contested in the UK as they have no proper legal bearing in the event of a divorce.

Personally, it wouldn't overly bother me. Finances are separate, he's servicing his debt and it's his problem. I've always kept separate finances, and I don't think ever felt the need to fully disclose my personal overheads.

I have had a partner like you, and it made it incredibly difficult to be open about finances because every mistake or blip I was judged harshly for, until I decided I no longer wanted to be parented.

You need to sit down and have a rational conversation without "going crazy" so you can both understand each other, and the reasons for both of you behaving as you do.

Well said Alonsos. He appears to be managing his debt and now OP is aware he may be more cautious. He should not have lied but he sounds too good to throw away over one issue .

Real spilt on here whether people are ok with financial issues, most not recognising that I am way more concerned about my husband's inability to tell me the truth.

Obviously no-one knows us but we have talked a lot and ive asked him why he lied. He has repeatedly told me it's not because of my reactions, it's way more ingrained than that. There's so much more to this than I can post, deep rooted psychological issues relating to his parents, his previous partner and drug issues she had.

People are very quick to blame me but I'm a really decent person with a sensible approach to finance.

We've come to the conclusion that he'll stay here until he's paid the debt off which means no spending other than bills. He does earn an average income and admits if he stopped going out for meals, wanting designer shirts buying fucking garmin watches he would have plenty spare so I don't think it's impossible. Once the debt has gone we'll see what is left of our relationship... But I'm not a monster and I won't see him and kids wrong.

But ultimately if I cant trust the man... what can I do?