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Original poster

HELP!! Kids - At an impasse with my partner

55 replies

kdp83 · 09/08/2017 17:18

I am reaching out for some 3rd party advice on my current situation.

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. I am currently 33 and he is 43. We both love one another and want to grow old together, but we are at an impasse when it comes to having a baby. He has 2 children (ages 20 & 17) and had a vasectomy after baby #2.

Before we made our relationship official, I made it clear that having children was important and a deal breaker for me and that if it wasn't something that he wanted, that he need not get involved.

2 years into our relationship we agreed to start our family. Appointments with the fertility clinic were made and we were referred to a urologist to determine if a vasectomy reversal was the right option or if we should move directly to IVF. We went to that appointment and his surgery was scheduled for the fall of 2016. He was acting excited about having a baby. We were looking at houses, discussing things for the baby room and even talking about baby names. As his appointment neared, he started getting cold feet and panicking.

We had numerous counselling sessions in regards to our situation and our counsellor suggested a 2 week no contact break to see if he could work through his feelings and then we would reconnect at a counselling appointment after that time. It was super hard but I was willing to give it a go. After the 2 week no contact break, he was broken and still undecided on whether or not have children.

I'm not 100% sure how it was decided but after that night, we separated. We would talk now and then but nothing was ever resolved (he is not the greatest at communicating). I got the impression that it wouldn't change and that things were over.

Fast forward to February 2017. I had planned a solo trip to start the healing process and move on after being crushed. At that point, he told me that he was still working through his feelings in hopes that he would be able to make a decision to have a baby so that we can be together. At that point, I felt that I needed to wait for him. How could I possibly move on from the man I love knowing that he was working on his issues so that we can be together?

It is now August 2017, he is still going to counselling and he and I still have no resolve as far as a baby goes. We see one another and talk but we are no longer living together and haven't been intimate since fall 2016.

He has indicated that he wants to want to have a baby so that he and I can be together and move forward. He has indicated that he wants to come home but he can't until he is on board with having a baby with me.

His counsellor has suggested visualization but he is having trouble envisioning the baby aspect of our future. He can see him and I together but he can't seem to fit a baby into that future.

I am hurting inside because I love him so much and I want us to move forward so I am grasping at any help and advice that I can get.

Please help with any advice on how I can help him see that our future with a baby will be a good one. Is there anything I can do to help him get on board with wanting a baby? Help me with advice on if I am wasting my time waiting for the man I love to make a decision. Sad

Any youtube links for advice or visualization are appreciated as well.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 09/08/2017 17:21

You can't make him want a baby if he doesn't

Twistmeandturnme · 09/08/2017 17:25

If having a child is a deal breaker for you then you need to get on and do it. If you have a child then the two of you can make decisions based on what is rather than what may be.
You don't need him to have a baby with. If you still want him then have a baby on your own to give him breathing space. If you don't want him then find someone new to love who wants a baby too.
If you let him keep you waiting until it's too late for you then you will resent him forever.

QueenBeex · 09/08/2017 17:25

If having a baby is a deal breaker for you then cut contact with him and find someone that wants what you want because you arent gunna have a baby with him. He doesn't want a child and if he does have one with you its to make you happy and be together so it wouldn't be right anyway. I think you should find someone who wants children and he should find someone that is happy not having children.

13Crows · 09/08/2017 17:29

I'm sorry but I really don't think he wants a baby. You're not together anymore and not intimate. For whatever reason, he has made his decision and counselling won't change that. He can't be made to want a child. I think it's time you moved on. I just don't think he can bring himself to say it to you.

BadHatter · 09/08/2017 17:31

You should cut your losses while you're ahead. There's a very good reason why men get vasectomies. A permanent birth control. Men don't get this surgery on a whim.

It was foolish of you to continue the relationship with the guy while knowing how strongly you want kids. That's on you. What's also on you is to take control of your future and not let another person dictate it.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/08/2017 17:31

Cut your losses and look for a relationship where you can have children with your DP.

If you keep waiting around for your ex to make his mind up chances are you'll wake up to find that you've left it too late.

He clearly doesn't want any more dc. I'd move forward without him if dc are a deal breaker for you.

Isetan · 09/08/2017 17:36

You've let him string you along for long enough. Go NC now and move on.

JustHereForThePooStories · 09/08/2017 17:36

Sounds to me like you both want to be together for the wrong reasons.

HollyBuckets · 09/08/2017 18:00

Don't let him waste your life. Get out.

(Painful personal experience. I wish I'd had MN 20 years ago).

SandyY2K · 09/08/2017 18:24

If someone needs so much counselling and visualisation to have a baby and.... They really don't want one.

He had the V for a reason and he really doesn't want a child, though he'd like to want one... No matter how hard he tries he doesn't want it.

If he finally agrees, he is likely to be resentful and blurt out how you knew deep down he didn't want a baby.

Sometimes it's just not meant to be. I'd move on and accept this isn't going to work.

DancesWithOtters · 09/08/2017 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/08/2017 18:32

Is he hoping that you will give up and let him back in the house.

If children are such a big deal I would have thought getting involved with someone who has had a vasectomy was a huge issue.

Agree with others if it is taking this amount f counselling does he want children with you

FrogsSitonLogs · 09/08/2017 18:36

You can't make him want a child. No amount of counselling and visualisation seems to be changing his mind. How many years are you willing to wait? Decide if you want to be with him child free or leave and have children.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 09/08/2017 18:39

A baby is not a bargaining chip.

I wouldn't entertain a relationship with someone who would compromise on their attitude towards having a child for the rest of their life when it wasn't their free choice.

TheNaze73 · 09/08/2017 18:47

You'll find hardly any men at 45 would actively choose to have children. Why would they? They'll be like grandparents at school pick up & retired at any offsprings 21st.

If he's lied than bin him off.

Gazelda · 09/08/2017 19:04

I don't think it'd be very healthy though have a baby with someone who you've had to persuade and convince. I'm afraid he's obviously not wanting a baby.

Don't let him string you along any further. Take control of your future and put him behind you.

SpartacusSaiman · 09/08/2017 19:08

He doesnt want a baby. But he doesnt to the relationship to end.

Thing is, if you have a baby it will end up with the relationship ending. He wont pull his weight and resent you and the baby.

If you accept he doesnt want kids it will end with the relationship ending. Because you will resent him. You may not be able to concieve by that point

Yvetteballs · 09/08/2017 19:09

I'm too old for a baby now. You have time. Move on from him.

Isetan · 09/08/2017 19:11

The balls in your court OP and if you let him continue to mess you about, he will.

thestamp · 09/08/2017 19:12

You really need to move on. Him still contacting you is so manipulative. You will run out of time waiting for him to change his mind - just don't do that to yourself op, you can have a baby without him x

user1499333856 · 09/08/2017 19:22

He doesn't want another child. Make peace with that and move on with your life.

You clearly love your ex partner but you need to let him go. You can't meet anyone until you let go of him, and that idea of you two together with a child.

Be kind to yourself now and focus on you. You waited long enough. Now it's your time.

MrsDustyBusty · 09/08/2017 19:25

Let him off and have your baby. If you give up the chance of a baby for a man, you'll never forgive yourself- or him.

Nonibaloni · 09/08/2017 19:26

I think you have your answer. In two years he hasn't changed his position.

Do you think he's waiting till it's too late for you? Another couple of years you'll be 35 and conceiving only gets harder.

Can you visualise your life without children? No? Move on

BoggledMind · 09/08/2017 19:33

You need to accept that he's never going to want a baby and move on. He's stringing you along in the hope that you'll change your mind, and you're giving him chance after chance in the hope that he'll change his mind. How can this ever work out so both of you are happy? Cut your losses now before you waste any more precious time on this man.

Loopytiles · 09/08/2017 19:36

Don't waste any more time on him: clean break, no contact and look for someone else.