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Original poster

HELP!! Kids - At an impasse with my partner

55 replies

kdp83 · 09/08/2017 17:18

I am reaching out for some 3rd party advice on my current situation.

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. I am currently 33 and he is 43. We both love one another and want to grow old together, but we are at an impasse when it comes to having a baby. He has 2 children (ages 20 & 17) and had a vasectomy after baby #2.

Before we made our relationship official, I made it clear that having children was important and a deal breaker for me and that if it wasn't something that he wanted, that he need not get involved.

2 years into our relationship we agreed to start our family. Appointments with the fertility clinic were made and we were referred to a urologist to determine if a vasectomy reversal was the right option or if we should move directly to IVF. We went to that appointment and his surgery was scheduled for the fall of 2016. He was acting excited about having a baby. We were looking at houses, discussing things for the baby room and even talking about baby names. As his appointment neared, he started getting cold feet and panicking.

We had numerous counselling sessions in regards to our situation and our counsellor suggested a 2 week no contact break to see if he could work through his feelings and then we would reconnect at a counselling appointment after that time. It was super hard but I was willing to give it a go. After the 2 week no contact break, he was broken and still undecided on whether or not have children.

I'm not 100% sure how it was decided but after that night, we separated. We would talk now and then but nothing was ever resolved (he is not the greatest at communicating). I got the impression that it wouldn't change and that things were over.

Fast forward to February 2017. I had planned a solo trip to start the healing process and move on after being crushed. At that point, he told me that he was still working through his feelings in hopes that he would be able to make a decision to have a baby so that we can be together. At that point, I felt that I needed to wait for him. How could I possibly move on from the man I love knowing that he was working on his issues so that we can be together?

It is now August 2017, he is still going to counselling and he and I still have no resolve as far as a baby goes. We see one another and talk but we are no longer living together and haven't been intimate since fall 2016.

He has indicated that he wants to want to have a baby so that he and I can be together and move forward. He has indicated that he wants to come home but he can't until he is on board with having a baby with me.

His counsellor has suggested visualization but he is having trouble envisioning the baby aspect of our future. He can see him and I together but he can't seem to fit a baby into that future.

I am hurting inside because I love him so much and I want us to move forward so I am grasping at any help and advice that I can get.

Please help with any advice on how I can help him see that our future with a baby will be a good one. Is there anything I can do to help him get on board with wanting a baby? Help me with advice on if I am wasting my time waiting for the man I love to make a decision. Sad

Any youtube links for advice or visualization are appreciated as well.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 09/08/2017 19:39

This relationship is DEAD.

You haven't even shagged him in a year!

Onecutefox · 09/08/2017 19:41

Having a child is a big responsibility. He has two grown-up children and finally he feels like he doesn't want to go through it again. He may become a grandad soon. If you want to have a baby you don't need to have therapy. The desire is just there. It's very sad though as otherwise your relationship sounds great. I would just leave him and find someone who will want to have a family with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2017 19:44

You sound so sad, I'm sorry this relationship isn't giving you what you want.

He really doesn't want to have a baby and the saddest thing is his lack of honesty with you.

You've been honest with him and now you need to be honest with yourself, cut your losses and move on.

"Having a baby" isn't just deciding to do it and there's no guarantee his vasectomy reversal would work. DH and I happily embarked on ttc last year, on exactly the same page. Since then we've dealt with 3 miscarriages, surgery, awful awful shock and sadness and the prospect that no matter how much we want it there's no guarantee it'll happen. It's been shit and we're solid as a rock with completely shared hopes for the future but it's not been the route to having a baby we'd hoped for. If we weren't as stable as we are our relationship probably wouldn't have made it.

I hope you meet someone who shares your dreams of the future and wants to create a family with you and that it all happens easily and you're happy. It's time to move on.

Starlight2345 · 09/08/2017 19:47

He does know the joy of children and the hard work because he has had them..Whatever his issues it is time for you to move on.

You haven't even been pulled together in that time.

You are 33..Time to get out there and find someone with the same dreams as you.

MrsC2000 · 09/08/2017 20:07

I'm afraid his babies are grown now and he clearly doesn't want any more. I think you need to make a clean break and save yourself from further hurt

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2017 20:08

You are massively wasting your time. Of he wanted another baby he would have known this AGES ago. My thought is that is he perversely hoping that YOU will change your mind about having children and pick a future with him instead.

Stop talking to him. Stop seeing him. Block him completely out of your life. Go find a partner who wants the same things from life that you do.

category12 · 09/08/2017 20:13

He doesn't want any more dc. If he could bring himself round enough, he still wouldn't actively want a baby with you. You should both do each other the favour of letting go of this and moving on with your lives.

gingerscot · 09/08/2017 20:21

He's stringing you along til you change YOUR mind or have run out of time to have children. He's being very selfish in not letting you move on. Cut contact and find someone who wants the same things. You can't change him, only your reaction to him.

summertimeandtheweatherisfine · 09/08/2017 20:33

Move on - go travelling, heal and cut the vines for newer fresher growth. You can do this.

Changedname3456 · 09/08/2017 22:01

I'm slightly older than him, also with two kids and have had a vasectomy. My two are a fair bit younger than his (youngest is 9) but the thought of another baby in my life? God no! I like kids, and I miss the baby years in a lot of ways but I feel too old to be doing nights, nappies and all the running around again.

I suspect he's much the same. He's got to a point in life where he can enjoy going away without his dc. Where he can go on nights out and not worry about getting up to take them to football practice or swimming or whatever. You're asking him to commit to another child well into his sixties.

It wouldn't matter how much I loved someone, I just couldn't see that being an appealing prospect.

LaArdilla · 09/08/2017 22:10

"...and had a vasectomy after baby #2.

Before we made our relationship official, I made it clear that having children was important and a deal breaker for me and that if it wasn't something that he wanted, that he need not get involved."

You said this to a man who'd had a vascectomy? A man who didn't want children so much he had it surgically blocked?

That's like walking into a childfree convention looking for a babydaddy. How did you think this story would end?

He's done the "bit excited" thing and thankfully backed out, because it's obvious he does not want any more children. Railroading him into having one 'just for you' will end in disaster for everyone.

Youtube is really, really not going to help you. This isn't about "making" him change his mind. You are badgering a man who doesn't want a child into having a child. That is A Very Bad Thing.

HadronCollider · 09/08/2017 22:16

Sorry, but I believe you ought to stop waiting for him. If I were you, I'd be massively resentful that despite telling him early on that you wanted another child, he still came into your life, turned it upside down and is now stringing you along in limbo land. Entirely out of order. All he has done is waste more of your fertile years, and I believe he'd become resentful if he gave in and had a child to please you.

You still have time to meet someone else who wants children.

There is the possibility that once he sees you walking away with someone else, he'll see what he stands to lose and realise that a future with you and a baby is better than no future with you.

Either way, I think it's a mistake to wait around for him. Sorry I can't respond more positively but I wish you all the best.

trappedinsuburbia · 09/08/2017 22:22

Sorry but he doesn't want a baby, he's had his children, he wants you and you alone. You need to stop contact and find someone who does want children.
I made the same mistake, I had a 2nd baby when I was 37, exdp had initially suggested it but when I was pregnant he said it was a mistake and he was too old (he was 50), he was right and I was naive. Now im a single parent to 2 kids, he's a great dad when he sees her and we both love her to bits, but .......

Shantasia · 09/08/2017 22:32

I think his counsellor is being pretty irresponsible, encouraging a man who deeply ambivalent at best about fathering a child to 'visualise' his way into something so fundamentally life-changing. There is a human life at stake here - he's not trying to give up smoking.

Sorry you're not getting the responses I think you wanted, OP, but if your ex wanted a baby with you, he'd have had the reversal operation by now. As it is, it sounds as if he's saying whatever you need to hear to keep you on the hook, while hoping that time will take the decision out of both your hands. You might see that as indecisive but to an outsider it looks selfish - and rather cruel.

crazyhead · 09/08/2017 22:51

He had no right to waste your time as much as he has - it speaks ill of him. Get out quick - you still have time to meet a man who wants a family

scottishdiem · 09/08/2017 23:00

To be honest, I think when a man has a vasectomy he has made that lifelong decision. The mental hurdle to get over to decide that course of action is very hard to back over in the opposite direction.

If you really want a baby you need to find another partner. Or consider sperm donation etc.

Cakeycakecake · 09/08/2017 23:16

He doesn't want the same as you. Move on. Don't waste your chance to have children on him.

My oh has two, I have two. He was booked in for a vasectomy, but has cancelled it. We discussed our joint situation and we don't think we should have a baby together. But I still have that maternal tug and I feel desolate at the thought of him taking it away. So, we'll reassess in six months.
He decided it's something we both have to be comfortable with.

The point I'm making is, he doesn't want more. But he knows if he had the surgery it may not last with us and he might regret it. Your fella doesn't regret it. He regrets the fact that he's fallen for someone who fundamentally wants a different life to him. He's had and done it all. Doesn't want to again. He wants you to change your life vision. Don't. Not for him, not for anyone.

eyebrowsonfleek · 09/08/2017 23:22

The decision shouldn't be this hard. You can't bring a child into the world when the father's had so much counselling yet still doesn't want to have a baby. He was super unfair to contact you in Feb. It seems like he is delaying babies until it's too late,

HadronCollider · 09/08/2017 23:32

Something else to consider, is that you may find you want to provide a sibling, I have two, and believe me 3 years ago I was still so broody I would cry looking at babies in buggies. So it's entirely possible you'll want at least one other. Not likely he'll want more than the one. I really feel for you. My DH has a vasectomy too. I would dearly have liked a third.

LilyMcClellan · 09/08/2017 23:36

This is so sad, but fuck no, get out. He has had nearly a full year to "work through his feelings". If he hasn't managed to do so with the benefit of counselling and the knowledge that it's a deal-breaker for you, then he never will.

He's wasting your time and your fertility.

I've been through a similar situation to you, and my ex also came back to me after an extended period, wanting to get back together but still "working through his feelings". As much as I loved him, I turned him down, because I could see that if he went into parenthood with anything than full enthusiasm, there was a good chance that if things got tough, he would tap out with the excuse that he only had kids for my sake.

You don't want to be with someone who feels in the back of their mind that they are doing you a favour by agreeing to have kids.

I should add that a decade on, my ex is now with a new partner who apparently wants kids. I can't say I get the impression that he's managed to make his mind up one way or another.

LilyMcClellan · 09/08/2017 23:36

*anything less than

notevernotnevernotnohow · 09/08/2017 23:38

He does not want to have a baby. If by some miracle you managed to convince him, and you went through with it, the chances are high that he would resent you, it and leave you anyway.

Cut your losses. You have time to find someone else to have a family with, but the longer you waste flogging this dead horse the smaller that chance will get.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/08/2017 23:39

He doesn't want another child. That's why he had a vasectomy. He's tried to think his way into it because you want one, but he can't do it and now you're going round in circles. That's fine for him because he doesn't have fertility worries, but you are wasting valuable time.

annandale · 09/08/2017 23:45

Sorry to say it but the counsellor sounds like an arse and he sounds like a pleaser.

You both know what you want. You are living on two different mountains. Cut the rope bridge. He will come racing back again at some point so FGS block all contact from tonight. Deal breaker is exactly that.

LellyMcKelly · 10/08/2017 01:31

He doesn't want another baby. He has strung you along because he wants you, but he doesn't want what you want. If you want a child, you need to move on now.