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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really need some advice

61 replies

DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:08

DH and I have been together a long time,
We have a great life, 2 lovely children.

However we have one issue, we've not had sex in 5 years since our youngest was conceived. My fault. Depression, weight issues, lack of drive and other factors really

Every year we've had an argument over it but never changes anything

Now. I feel he is becoming more impatient (i don't blame him) we had an argument a few weeks ago and i said i don't know why we don't but i never feel wanted or sexy etx anyway

Now we have a week with no children and i am getting a sense he is wanting something to happen

I feel so anxious i feel sick
I want to cry
I don't know what to do

Help???

OP posts:
squirreltrap · 08/08/2017 18:10

Do you know why you don't want to have sex with him?

You say it's your fault...we probably need to know more about why it's your fault

guiltybystander · 08/08/2017 18:12

5 years and no sex? Your husband is a saint...

juneau · 08/08/2017 18:13

Well you have a pretty stark choice OP. He's been EXTREMELY patient, but it would appear that his patience has run out. You are forcing him to live a celibate life, which it would appear he doesn't wish to live. So:

  1. Just do it. This is your DH, whom I assume you love?

  2. Go and see your GP and ask for a referral for psycho-sexual counselling. If the wait is long and money is not an issue it's probably worth paying yourself. Ask your DH to be patient a little longer and really, really try to get the bottom of why you're no longer able to have sex with your DH.

  3. Accept that you are happy living a celibate life, tell him this and accept that your marriage may well be over.

Personally, I'd go for option 1. Have a couple of drinks first if you need to loosen up a bit. It's only sex.

Joysmum · 08/08/2017 18:13

What are you doing to try to address your issues? He's being patient but unless you're actually doing something constructive to help the situation...

user1496589862 · 08/08/2017 18:16

This is what happened to me and my exH. It got to the point where the months turned into years. The longer it went on, the more I became anxious. It was horrible, as I felt sorry for him but could not change how I felt. We parted and later divorced as he found someone else withing weeks of leaving. There was alot more to this story as he was very unsupportive but I do wish we had had some kind of counselling to see if that would of helped.

Neutrogena · 08/08/2017 18:20

Have sex or lose him. Unfortunately it's a binary choice.

Original poster
DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:20

I had severe post natal depression, that absolutely destroyed me and it caused years of issues. I have had counselling and we've also been to relate previously

He has never initiated anything but knows i am really desperately anxious about it.

I acknowledge he is patient,

This issue is the only thing in our marriage that is a problem

I don't drink and feel i wouldn't 'losen' up with one

I feel scared by it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:21

I don't believe he would leave me. I think it would just continue to cause an argument and resentment. But he wouldn't leave.

OP posts:
user1496589862 · 08/08/2017 18:22

What are you scared of OP?

LoyaltyAndLobster · 08/08/2017 18:23

5 years, that's a long time.

Original poster
DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:27

user I am scared of chickening out in the process and making a fool of myself.
I am scared of getting pregnant again (i am on the pill so know it's highly unlikely)

OP posts:
Original poster
DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:28

I don't understand the unhelpful comments.. It's not like I've come on here being a twat

It's incredibly painful living through this kind of thing and i am genuinely asking for help and advice.

OP posts:
LoyaltyAndLobster · 08/08/2017 18:29

OP are you still attracted to him?

Chloe421 · 08/08/2017 18:29

Firstly, what a tough situation. It must be very tricky for both of you. Your husband sounds very supportive and clearly loves you very much for you. Whilst you say you haven't had sex for five years, are you able to be affectionate in the relationship? Is there still physical touch? Have you previously been comfortable being intimate in other ways... massage, non penetrative sex etc? Do you feel that you want things to change?

Original poster
DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:31

loyalty yes i am. I am also very much in love with him

OP posts:
Hemlock2013 · 08/08/2017 18:31

Have you even had so much as a sexy thought or stirring of the loins in the last five years? Or are you just done with sex?

(Please excuse the cheesy phrase)😉

LoyaltyAndLobster · 08/08/2017 18:32

Ok OP well that's good! just explain your insecurities to him I'm sure he will understand.

Original poster
DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:32

chloe we are affectionate, we hug and kiss, hold hands. That's as far as it has gone in the years gone by
Before we had our second child it was fine 'normal' whatever that is

OP posts:
Original poster
DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:34

I've had feelings of it wanting to change. I've explained how i feel

But i get the feeling this week is him expecting things to change.

5 years is a long time.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 08/08/2017 18:35

This could well end your marriage, suggest you seek psychological help, specifically for this.

insurmuntable · 08/08/2017 18:35

I don't think the solution is that you should 'just do it' if you've avoided it for five years and are scared, and it isn't exactly explicit informed consent so puts your dh in an awkward position. What kind of person would want to have sex with someone who says it scares them?!

Did you explore your sex issues at Relate? Do you think your desire will return at all? If not this may be time to explore your options together. Think about what those might be. Would you consider sex therapy? I would think that the aim of most folk who have sex therapy is to get back to having sex but if you don't think you'll ever want it that changes things.

And as far as 'being a saint' is concerned, you both have options, this is where you find yourselves. He hasn't forced you to have sex or left you, but I don't think that makes him a saint. Relationships can be difficult.

Good luck. Flowers

juneau · 08/08/2017 18:45

Are you sure he wouldn't leave? Because if this goes on forever I suspect that's exactly what he WILL do. He hasn't left yet and he may have no intention of doing so, but at some point he's going to reach a point where he can't go on being patient and you hoping the problem will go away. It won't. And Relate is relationship counselling, it's not what I'm suggesting, which is about the whole scared by sex thing. PND doesn't explain why you're scared to have sex with your DH, who you say you're still attracted to. That's what you have to get to the bottom of - this irrational fear.

Original poster
DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:50

I believe he will give me an ultimatum but that he wouldn't go anywhere. As he would lose a lot in leaving too.

I think i am traumatised by a lot of things that have happened over the years. The relationship and trauma with the children / childbirth has left me quite damaged.

OP posts:
juneau · 08/08/2017 18:57

Then it is up to you to get help for that damage OP. This will lead to the end of your marriage if you don't. And while yes, I'm sure it would be extremely hard for him to leave his wife and DC, I would bet that sooner or later he will make that difficult and financially ruinous choice if you don't get some help. Because right now you're his friend and house mate and most married people also expect to be lovers, which you haven't been for five long years. Those arguments you've been having are him showing how utterly frustrated he is by that situation and only you can fix it.

Original poster
DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:58

I agree with what you're saying

How do i just get over it??

I honestly want to sort it but feel sick tonight and like i want to cry

OP posts: