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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really need some advice

61 replies

DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 18:08

DH and I have been together a long time,
We have a great life, 2 lovely children.

However we have one issue, we've not had sex in 5 years since our youngest was conceived. My fault. Depression, weight issues, lack of drive and other factors really

Every year we've had an argument over it but never changes anything

Now. I feel he is becoming more impatient (i don't blame him) we had an argument a few weeks ago and i said i don't know why we don't but i never feel wanted or sexy etx anyway

Now we have a week with no children and i am getting a sense he is wanting something to happen

I feel so anxious i feel sick
I want to cry
I don't know what to do

Help???

OP posts:
haba · 08/08/2017 18:58

If he has been kind, and understanding for five years without pressuring you, I am sure he would wait for you to have some help with this issue. PND is a terrible illness, and you've done so well to come out the other side of it.
Do you have a good relationship with your GP? Is this something you could see them about, for a referral? Are you able to discuss it with DH?

Awoof · 08/08/2017 19:03

Not to be crude, but do you think you could try something sexual that doesn't involve him ejaculating inside you?
I can totally understand why the fear of pregnancy is set deep in your mind. A sort of post traumatic reaction?

Original poster
DewDropsonKittens · 08/08/2017 19:03

Thank you Smile it was really severe and i had a hospital stay after having a nervous breakdown after suffering for a year of PND

I spoke to the GP a couple of years ago about it, and went to a counselling service but they were unable to help me figure out how to get past it

I have worked myself up so much that there is a huge atmosphere with the two of us in the house.

OP posts:
Awoof · 08/08/2017 19:07

I really feel for you dewdrop Flowers
You both sound like really really good people.
I guess it's the same as driving again after being in a terrible accident in a manner of sorts. I know ow that's not terribly helpful but I get it.

tallfox · 08/08/2017 19:09

I don't know how long you have been on the pill OP, but it may not be helping your situation. Lots of posters, me included, have no libido whatsoever whilst taking it.

Would a more permanent method of contraception help?

crazykitten20 · 08/08/2017 19:10

Is there anything that you could bear to do? For example could you give him a hand job? That's non invasive for you and it would be nice for him. You could ask his advice as you go along so you do it the way he likes it. It'd be kind and would gently break the ice.

HeyBigSpender · 08/08/2017 19:10

I'm so sorry, this sounds really hard Flowers

Could you tell us some more about the background of the below? It might help us give you some specific advice, maybe.

"I think i am traumatised by a lot of things that have happened over the years. The relationship and trauma with the children / childbirth has left me quite damaged."

LastOneDancing · 08/08/2017 19:10

If there are underlying issues OP that's where you need help - all the wine & sexy pants in the world won't help when your head is screaming with anxiety.

Be bold & book a GP appointment tomorrow. Tell them whats been happening & how you feel & that you'd like a referral for some councelling. If you don't think you can say it, write it and hand them the letter.

I'm so sorry you've been given a hard time on here. If only it was as easy as 'getting over it' hey? Some people think a relationship without sex is meaningless but it's so far from the truth - there are a million ways to love each other without sex, but the fact that you want to change things is a really positive sign that you can and will.

insurmuntable · 08/08/2017 19:11

juneau Relate is not just relationship counselling, they offer sex therapy as well.

OP do you have any thoughts about what would happen in an ideal world, eg you wouldn't have to have sex again or you'd want to have sex again?

You're clearly distressed and I'm sorry you're being given such a hard time.

juneau · 08/08/2017 19:13

Good point about the pill - many women find it leads to depression and kills their libido. I found the latter when I went back on it after having DC2, whereas I was perfectly happy on it for years before having DC.

Right, well 'just doing it' doesn't sound like it's going to work, but I do really think you should try to find (via your GP preferably), an experienced therapist who can help you work through the issues you're having. You'll have to open and honest with your DH in the meantime as he will need to manage his hopes and expectations. But as the poster above said, could you maybe try some non-penetrative sex with him, making it absolutely clear beforehand that penetration is NOT on the agenda and see if that helps?

insurmuntable · 08/08/2017 19:21

Ffs OP has said she doesn't want sex. I find it upsetting to keep reading that she should just do it, and that includes the dreaded hand job, non PIV etc. It is all sex and if OP doesn't want it enough to avoid it for five years (during which time she had a breakdown) prodding her to do it is not on.

No means no.

I think the issue is that OP doesn't want it, not that she can't just close her eyes and think of England. How on earth does a reluctant hand job solve the problem? And what position does it put her DH in to be participating?

juneau · 08/08/2017 19:44

Er, there's a lot more to non-penetrative sex than 'a reluctant hand job'. OP said she was afraid of getting pregnant, not that any kind of sexual contact at all was off the table. But you're right, avoiding sex for five years isn't some small trifle. OP needs proper help from a therapist, not the best that MN has to offer on a Tues night.

OnlyGodKnowsWhy · 08/08/2017 19:51

Oh OP. I feel for you. Honestly, I'm no psychiatrist, but it sounds to me like you actually have PTSD from the severe PND. You have said you are afraid you will get pregnant again, even though you know you are on the pill.

I don't believe you should just get it over with. I believe you are suffering and should see a GP. Having severe PND has obviously caused you trauma and regardless of how logical you try and be about sex, I think uts quite deep rooted. Your GP can help. Arrange counselling and maybe even medication if needs be. Whatever you do, don't force yourself to have sex. If I am right, and I might not be, it will only make you feel worse.

crazykitten20 · 08/08/2017 20:29

I'll bow to your superior knowledge @insurmuntable

I don't know much about not wanting sex. I can see that my suggestion wasn't very helpful - sorry OP.

Hugs to you 💕💜💕

insurmuntable · 08/08/2017 21:47

juneau and crazykitten20 for many people that would be the obvious solution if you didn't fancy piv but still have some sexual feelings, just do something for him. In this case OP is saying she feels sick, desperately anxious and wants to cry. Imagine being tugged off by your weeping and/or gagging partner.

'I don't know much about not wanting sex.' Lol, as the woman says in When Harry Met Sally, 'I'll have what she's having.' Smile

OP this sounds like it has reached almost phobic proportions.

crazykitten20 · 08/08/2017 21:50

Lol @ @insurmuntable !!!

Always enjoyed that movie 😊

If this is a phobia for the OP ... couldn't the GP refer to a psychiatrist who specialises?

SometimesMaybe · 08/08/2017 21:57

You need specific counselling to deal with the sex issue - if you fancy him then you don't need Relate, you need need a specific counsellor to strip it back and take the fear of sex away.

They will take you through a programme (you and DH together where sex is off the table and you take it step by step, from kissing, massage, foreplay etc etc through to see when you are willing and ready).

This approach is obviously not appropriate when you don't want to have sex in cases of abuse or physical symptoms. Your first
Step is your GP - make an appointment tomorrow and you can take it from there.

Be brave.

insurmuntable · 08/08/2017 22:01

Good question crazykitten20. Important to know the OP's objectives though. If the objective is to want to get over this then I assume treatment would help, but if the objective is to never dtd again it would seem like a discussion should take place w dh about what their options are, ideally with a sex therapist present.

Tbh Idk if the nhs would treat this very well. Though OP it would be worth having a frank chat w your gp about the full extent of this issue, that it has gone this far, without minimising your feelings of distress. Otherwise they'll assume it's just a minor bump in the road.

This issue is so fraught for both men and women.

2017lulu · 08/08/2017 22:09

What about massage? Start being physically close with him, but not in a sexual way. If it's a fear of physical touch and penetration then start off real slow, so it's sensual not sexual. Like a day at a time, just your hands and arms, or feet, or shoulders. Massage each other. And mediate together (or just focusing on breathing and being in the moment). You need to get connected again, before anything else.
And with a house free from kids its a great time to focus on being together. It's like your body needs to learn you're going to receive oxytocin from physical contact with him, and not be running on fear.

Giraffey1 · 08/08/2017 22:11

This might sound like a silly question, OP, but do you want to want sex again? Or do you feel like you are quite happy without it?

If the answer to the first question is yes, then I think you have to take the bull by the horns. Talk to your H and agree a plan of action to address the problem. Go to the doctor, go back to Relate, try psychosexual counselling or whatever it is is. Show your H that you are serious about breaking this cycle.

It sounds as if you haven't tried anything for a couple of years and you owe it to him, and to yourself, to try (if that's what you want to do).He has been so patient for so long. Don't assume he will always be like this - he may not.

If you really don't want to ever have sex any more then I think you need to be honest about that, too. Is it fair to leave your H in a state of limbo, always hoping things will change if you know in your heart it won't? This may lead to difficult conversations but if you love your H, then isn't this the right thing to do?

I speak as the partner in a relationship where my H has shown no interest in sex for years. It is one of the (several) things that has driven us apart. Don't be me (or my H).

TwoLeftSocks · 08/08/2017 22:13

Hi OP, I don't think I had a level of anxiety or trauma the same as you but a suggestion upthread about permanent contraception made me think - DH had a vasectomy last year and that has had the effect of lightening anxiety I didn't realise I had round sex, knowing he was shooting blanks therefore there would be no chance of another baby (two's definitely plenty and I'm not doing childbirth ever again). I had the contraceptive implant before that so even then I had very little chance but there was still a chance. Sex has now lost the baby-making function and is just fun again.

I think the suggestions for pnd/ptsd counselling are right on but looking into permanent options with the gp might help also.

Grooves · 08/08/2017 22:14

Have you tried to have sex? Kissed for a long time, foreplay?

Is it the act itself you feel scared of?

crazymissdaisy · 08/08/2017 22:27

If you don't mind my asking Dew drops, is it you who has the weight issue or your other half? If you have also been depressed then maybe it's more self esteem than a physical problem? Try the GP again for proper referral for therapy. Is your DH accepting towards the idea of therapy? I know some aren't , mine always dismissed it as self indulgent psychobabble. But if your DH sees it as valuable, you might feel more confident about taking that step?

Sistersofmercy101 · 08/08/2017 22:40

I'm so sorry you're in this situation op :( living with trauma and it's aftermath is complex and as other posters have suggested, I'd really press your gp / health services for specialised counselling. However, if it's unavailable could you afford to go private? I wouldn't recommend "just doing it" because this runs the risk of deepening your negative feelings and also associating them specifically with physical touch from your other half. Whilst your husband/partner has "been patient" it needs to be understood that you are not being unreasonable!
YANBU at all.

Ginlovinglady · 09/08/2017 08:35

You definitely need to see a psychosexual therapist
A few have mentioned ptsd
And the subconscious fear of pregnancy
This is clearly about your mental health

I know a lot of people say go to the gp
But to get some help for something this specific it might save a lot of time and energy and disappointment getting someone who doesn't really help; going private. It might cost a bit, but I really really think this is important for you both.

There is another poster on here who's husband is not seeking the appropriate help for his depression and it's destroying her marriage.

You need to do this for yourself and get the help yourself.
You're husband can't and he knows it. But resentment is a drip drip and it won't be about the sex specifically it will be because you didn't go and seek help regarding it.

This is your journey and you will have him for support but you have to take the first step, and not just bury it all away.