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Original poster

My husband ordered condoms...we don't use them

70 replies

Jecan · 08/08/2017 14:06

Been together nearly 20 years, 3 DC. We moved to his home country nearly 10 years ago & ive been mostly a SAHM since then but I've got a small part time job (that doesn't bring enough to live on). He's been acting really weird for the last year - I've tried to make him talk but he says nothing is wrong. He's become secretive about his phone & computer password but isn't going out more often or so I thought.

I go to bed mostly about 10/10.30 & I don't always notice what time he comes but it's often after 12 but the other night I got up to a get a drink & realised he'd gone out in his car. He said he'd been called into work which is a possibility but I can't confirm this. So last night I woke up at 1 & he wasn't in bed & went downstairs and he was out in his car again. Said he'd just gone for a drive.
Then his computer was open today so I checked his emails (no shame since he's been acting so weirdly) & there's an Amazon order for condoms. We haven't used them in 10 years since I was sterilised.

I confronted him & his answer was "I bought them just in case". I feel that sentence was the end of our marriage. Just in case?!? Just in case he felt like sleeping with someone else? He's denying he's used them yet but surely that he's even thinking about it is shit enough.

I've gone out with the DC - I can't bear to look at him but I'm so stuck. It's so difficult to get a job where we live - it's very rural. But how can I leave him without a job. Where would we go? I hate that he's doing this to our family. I had such a shit childhood - I wanted a good one for ours

OP posts:
limitedscreentime · 08/08/2017 14:10

You poor thing. I think you need to talk to him properly. Can anyone watch the kids so you can do this (in a different location?).

OhHolyJesus · 08/08/2017 14:13

So sorry OP. He may not have done anything yet, maybe planning it? Agree with pp that you need to have a long talk and get to the bottom of his behaviour.

Oly5 · 08/08/2017 14:14

So sorry OP. I think he's seeing someone or trying to

Original poster
Jecan · 08/08/2017 14:16

The kids are teenagers so in their own rooms lots so we have lots of time to chat but he clams up whenever I bring up our problems. He's always been a quiet man but has become virtually mute at times this year. And shows me no affection at all. We sometimes have sex but it's rarely good

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 08/08/2017 14:28

Even if he got them just in case - that means he was considering sleeping with someone else.

Original poster
Jecan · 08/08/2017 14:30

That's what I think to Sad

OP posts:
Dragonflycushion · 08/08/2017 14:34

Just in case of what? Didn't you ask him? I'd revisit that if not.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 08/08/2017 14:36

With the disappearing for relatively short periods late at night thing, it may be about meeting men rather than another woman. Sad

MsHarry · 08/08/2017 14:38

Oh how awful OP. So sorry. Flowers

Teddy7878 · 08/08/2017 14:38

Could be perhaps be visiting escorts? The fact he's going out in his car at random times of the evening/night and has purchased condoms makes me think it could be that. A lot of escorts do 30 min bookings, sometimes even 15 min bookings.
Can you get on his computer and see if he's been accessing sites like adultwork or ukpunting?

Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 14:39

I'm so very sorry. Something is going on, chances are he's already cheating on you, and not merely planning to do so.

See a solicitor and work out what you are entitled to. It may be more than you think. Then you can see how much you'd need to earn, and where you can make savings. Please don't just assume you are trapped and can't afford to leave.

Huskylover1 · 08/08/2017 14:40

No-one goes out for a drive at 1am. So, he's meeting someone, clearly. I'd throw him out.

Teddy7878 · 08/08/2017 14:41

Do you have a family member you could stay with for a bit who lives nearby?

Floralnomad · 08/08/2017 14:41

Do you have family wherever you are from that could provide you with a base if you went home , would your children be happy to move with you to your home country . It does sound more likely that he's picking up strangers rather than an actual affair .

Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 14:41

Hang on, you say you have teenagers?

Any chance they could be for one of them?

Stratosfear · 08/08/2017 14:42

No-one goes out for a drive at 1am

Hmmm yes, they do. I've been out for a drive / run at 1am. No, I didn't meet anyone, I just couldn't sleep. It doesn't "mean" anything.

The OP isn't going to know until she talks to her partner, and even then she may not know (she'll have a better idea though hopefully).

Floralnomad · 08/08/2017 14:44

stratosfear , surely if they were for one of the children the husband would have said that instead of saying he bought them 'just in case' .

pilates · 08/08/2017 14:45

You don't sound very happy, could you move back to your home country where you will have your family and friends nearby?

hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2017 14:46

I agree with a PP - escorts.
Condoms
Going out late at night for a 'drive'
Yeah OK!!!????
What are your options OP?
Can you go back to your home country?
Would the DC want to?
Could you move within the country you are in so it's easier to get a job etc...?

Dustbunny1900 · 08/08/2017 14:47

He was busted and couldn't think of anything to say. My guess is he will be defensive and angry he was caught and won't speak to you . Ugh I'm so sorry op. 20 years? I've gotta hand it to you, that's rough af, I'd probably have strangled him.

Motherofterriers · 08/08/2017 14:54

So sorry OP. I covered for my XOH at work once and found condoms in his desk drawer. He said he hadn't done anything and had just bought them "in case". I chose to believe him. We had small children. 15 years on, I found evidence of an affair going back many years. We're now separated.
I think Dustbunny is right and he will be defensive. I'd expect "why should I be punished for just thinking about it"
In your shoes I'd gather evidence, including bank details, salary information etc and get some legal advice. Get copies of everything so that if you do split he can't disappear income or assets.

SerfTerf · 08/08/2017 14:57

I was going to ask if you had teens and maybe he'd bought them for one of them.

I see you do have teens. But the "just in case" answer (and the other stuff you mention) doesn't sounds great.

AdoraBell · 08/08/2017 15:00

Could you move to a city, would you be able to find a job there? Ideally moving back to your own country would be best if that is possible. What are local laws like in terms of divorce and child maintenance?

I'm sorry this is happening, it really does sound like he is cheating, or at the very least planning to.

Hissy · 08/08/2017 15:05

dogging?

Look at the rest of the amazon orders and see if he's been stupid enough to order them there before?

he's up so sommat, and you don't actually need any more proof than what you have said here.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/08/2017 15:07

I am sorry but people dont order condoms "just in case". They buy them because they are planning to use them.

I think your first port of call needs to be a solicitor if you are in a woman friendly country. If not then can you give us an idea of where you are to help get a plan together?

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