My husband ordered condoms...we don't use them

[Jecan]

Been together nearly 20 years, 3 DC. We moved to his home country nearly 10 years ago & ive been mostly a SAHM since then but I've got a small part time job (that doesn't bring enough to live on). He's been acting really weird for the last year - I've tried to make him talk but he says nothing is wrong. He's become secretive about his phone & computer password but isn't going out more often or so I thought.

I go to bed mostly about 10/10.30 & I don't always notice what time he comes but it's often after 12 but the other night I got up to a get a drink & realised he'd gone out in his car. He said he'd been called into work which is a possibility but I can't confirm this. So last night I woke up at 1 & he wasn't in bed & went downstairs and he was out in his car again. Said he'd just gone for a drive.
Then his computer was open today so I checked his emails (no shame since he's been acting so weirdly) & there's an Amazon order for condoms. We haven't used them in 10 years since I was sterilised.

I confronted him & his answer was "I bought them just in case". I feel that sentence was the end of our marriage. Just in case?!? Just in case he felt like sleeping with someone else? He's denying he's used them yet but surely that he's even thinking about it is shit enough.

I've gone out with the DC - I can't bear to look at him but I'm so stuck. It's so difficult to get a job where we live - it's very rural. But how can I leave him without a job. Where would we go? I hate that he's doing this to our family. I had such a shit childhood - I wanted a good one for ours

"'just in case" one of our teenage children asks for one?

Regardless, I don't know the situation, OP needs to talk to him face-to-face.

Also, OP - any chance he's ill?

id ask to see them. see if any have gone. i think hes already having sex with someone if hes bought condoms.

Agreed that the overwhelming evidence says affair/escorts. I'm sorry OP

There is a tiny, tiny chance he has bought them for one of your teenagers and they had asked him to but not mention it to you. This theory is dependent on several things; how old your teenagers are, how good their relationship with you, how well they feel able to confide in their dad etc. Potentially if they were for a teenage son who was close to his dad, it's entirely possible.

Could you view an order history and see if this was the first order or not?
Escorts etc. tend to provide their own condoms.

I doubt you found out the first time he used them.

Bought even.

I wouldn't accept that explanation (if you can even call it that).

I would demand that he elaborate on his answer - Just in case? What does that mean? He can't just clam up and avoid answering the questions. I would ask him straight, are you shagging someone else? Do you intend to shag someone else? Are you unhappy in the marriage?

You need to talk further!

Kick his lying, cheating ass out.

I also wondered if they were 'just in case' one of your children needed them. Seems unlikely but you'll only know since you've asked him.

It's pretty clear from his reaction that he hasn't bought them for one of their children.

I never understand it when people clam up. Does he think that this will all just go away if he refuses to discuss it?!

"It's pretty clear from his reaction that he hasn't bought them for one of their children."

Maybe not in your culture, but in some cultures sex is pretty taboo still.

OP, you really do need to speak to him before you make any further decisions. Sorry that you're going through this.

I'd consider following him, or buying one of those tracking things.... just do I had proof. Could be visiting working street girls.... in which case your health is at risk. In my experience men will only admit to something when they've been fully caught out.

I'd also be thinking escorts but they ussually require an address so check for hotel bookings and large cash withdrawals

The clamming up thing is really common. It's one of the most infuriating experiences in the world.

I don't think it's a 'straightforward' cheating scenario i.e one woman affair type.

I think it's going to be something as suggested upthread like escorts, dogging or very, very possibly...men. Don't rule anything out.

It's a horrible situation and my heart goes out to you, it really does. And his response is just not acceptable and cruel! I really hope he mans up enough to be straight with you!

Like a previous poster I too immediately thought 'dogging'. That would explain both the condoms and the late night driving.

He's evidently shagging/plans to shag someone, whether prozzie, escort, secret girlfriend whatever.

That would be enough to break my trust.

And FWIW; it's more than likely he's up to no good if he's just started nipping out at 1am. I couldn't give a monkeys if people on this thread go out for a scenic stroll in the wee small hours; it's dodgy territory for him

the large majority of escorts use their own condoms. I'd guess affair.
If it was for one of the children, wouldn't he have said "it's not what you think!" Or "they aren't for me, I'll explain later" or anything else to reassure your wife you aren't betraying her and fucking someone else??
"Just in case" is the answer you give when you've been caught, you're off your guard, and don't know what else to say

He'll be using seedy sites for local hook ups like illicit encounters and adult friend finder.

He'll no doubt have an entire fake online persona and be living a complete lie.

Try and get into his browsing history, failing that just stay up one night and follow him when he goes out.

Don't sleep with him anymore, condoms don't protect against every disgusting disease.

Make sure you both get tested for STDs urgently by the way.

Escorts use their own condoms, but dirty street girls don't. I've also encountered men that prefer to provide their own condoms, whether a sex worker provides them or not.

Just in case you become sterile again ???

Sorry it's taken me a while to get back - having some internet problems.

They are definitely not for the dc - I have a much more open & honest relationship with them than he does. If the oldest needed them, they would ask me.

He wasn't in when I got back - had gone to a doctors appt & then I was caught up with making dinner etc but I will definitely speak to him later.

Thanks for all the advice & agreement that he's up to no good. I felt like my world had imploded when I saw that email. I've been suspicious of him for a while but to see it there in black and white was still shocking. I took a photo of it on my phone just to make sure.

I'm in a west European country so will be well protected by the law. Not a good time to move back to the U.K. - the oldest is just about to start the prep for exams. I've no one I could go and stay with but I'm sure I'd be able to rent a flat in the town where the dc go to school.

I will get tested for STD's - easy to make an appt to get that done.

I've read all your posts but I'm on my phone so can't reply to them individually & im not sure if I'll be back online this eve but I don't plan to just let him away with this. And he knows that