My husband ordered condoms...we don't use them

[Jecan]

Been together nearly 20 years, 3 DC. We moved to his home country nearly 10 years ago & ive been mostly a SAHM since then but I've got a small part time job (that doesn't bring enough to live on). He's been acting really weird for the last year - I've tried to make him talk but he says nothing is wrong. He's become secretive about his phone & computer password but isn't going out more often or so I thought.

I go to bed mostly about 10/10.30 & I don't always notice what time he comes but it's often after 12 but the other night I got up to a get a drink & realised he'd gone out in his car. He said he'd been called into work which is a possibility but I can't confirm this. So last night I woke up at 1 & he wasn't in bed & went downstairs and he was out in his car again. Said he'd just gone for a drive.
Then his computer was open today so I checked his emails (no shame since he's been acting so weirdly) & there's an Amazon order for condoms. We haven't used them in 10 years since I was sterilised.

I confronted him & his answer was "I bought them just in case". I feel that sentence was the end of our marriage. Just in case?!? Just in case he felt like sleeping with someone else? He's denying he's used them yet but surely that he's even thinking about it is shit enough.

I've gone out with the DC - I can't bear to look at him but I'm so stuck. It's so difficult to get a job where we live - it's very rural. But how can I leave him without a job. Where would we go? I hate that he's doing this to our family. I had such a shit childhood - I wanted a good one for ours

Shit.

Sorry OP.

I would start getting copies of bank accounts, passports, and a list of contact numbers for people you may need to contact or chat too.

Definitely go down the STD testing route sooner rather than later as that would be a huge worry off your mind. Are the prep examinations over two years where you are?

Do you have a savings account and is the mortgage paid off?

It's like he's got the script of men having a mid life crisis

He's been unhappy for a year, there's no one else but he has thought about it, he doesn't know what we should do.

I had to go out so drove to where there's better internet. I've cried on the phone to a friend and I'm now raging. I don't believe him that there's no one else but he won't admit it. I'm so sad that he's fucked up our family. We're supposed to go on holiday on Saturday & he thinks only one of us should go with the kids - is that him so they have a weird time (he's not great on his own with the 3 of them) or should I go so he has a week on his own with whoever. I'm so sad it's come to this but also raging at him for fucking our lives up

I am really sorry this is happening to you and your DC. I would send him with the kids, if he is thinking of separating he needs to practise being on his own with them. It would give you some space at time to work out what you wanted to do next.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Did he say where he was going at night?

What are his reasons for his unhappiness?

I'm so sorry OP

I would send him with the kids, if he is thinking of separating he needs to practise being on his own with them

Me too, perfect opportunity for him, like fuck would I be going so he can spend the week with his bit on the side!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP

I found condoms at the back of a cupboard my ex used. We didn't use them, and very rarely had sex. Turns out he was gay.

Absolutely he's lying to you.

He's banking on you taking the kids away, why would you miss out on a holiday...

He has someone, the I've thought about it and I've not been happy for a year are word for word the script.

I would sit him down and say that you're not telling him what you know, that you want to hear it from him, but that he's been caught out and the secret is out.

"Spill. Now, and don't skip any details, cos it will be really embarrassing when you realise I know you're lying"

What you need to find now is your ice cold fury

It's there. It's the most useful of states.

Thinking of you.

Jecan

Do you think it salvageable; would you want to salvage it?

If the answer to either of these questions is "Yes", you need to give him an ultimatum to be honest. NOW. He needs to show you all amazon history, all bank statements, anything else you want.

He gets one chance (well two, because clearly he doesn't own a pair of fucking testicles and couldn't be honest last night).

With regards to the holiday, would you prefer to take the children and enjoy time with them knowing that he may be sleazing around at home, or, would you prefer him to go with the children. Can you swap the flight for one of his family members so one of them goes with him?

Personally, I'd go on the damn holiday with him, have a wonderful family time and remind him constantly just how much he's fucked around with, and how much he''s going to miss.

Western Europe tells me that you are likely in a female-friendly setup. Honestly, I would be threatening to phone his parents (depending on what they are like) to come and do some emergency childcare for you whilst you get to the bottom of it all - that threat alone may make him find his honest balls.

As absolutely shite as this is I would terminate the holiday.

Let's examine why:

• he's banking on you taking the kids leaving him free for a week
• you would be forever in turmoil about what he was up to for that week and it would spoil your time away
• quite honestly you this man is behaving in such an unpredictable way I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him to potentially act in such a way that could potentially mess with things like finances/legal stuff/etc.
• He could be planning to leave you. I would rather be present to brace for impact than to come back from a week in the sun and be knocked sideways

The kids will be devastated and may temporarily hate you but you have to remember you've done nothing wrong here. It's all on him.

Sorry I had a busy day and no internet but it's finally returned.

I'm sorry if I can't answer all your points.

His parents are fairly local but have some serious health problems so can't come to look after the kids. They will be very disappointed in their son's behaviour - Im so tempted to tell them when I see them next.

The holiday is within driveable distance - we still haven't made a plan & I haven't talked to the kids about it.

We had a big chat before & he cried for the first time in our 20 years together. He knows he's fucked up but still can't admit to all he's done & doesn't know the way forward. We did agree if we agree to split then he will leave & find a flat & I would continue to live in the house.

I don't think he'll screw me over for money - but I didn't think he'd have an affair (emotional or otherwise) so I need to get myself a solicitor if he leaves.

I've got wine open & a plan to chat/cry to a good friend. Thanks for all the sympathy - I still can't believe this is happening to me

Can't believe you've had no response to your last post. Hugs and good luck moving forward. Glad you have the support of some good RL friends.

I think Akani gave you good advice below. You, somehow through the mist, have to decide what YOU want and proceed from there. Can you go forward and rebuild trust. Does he even want to? If not you need to get out and fight for everything as calmly as possible.

So sorry OP. 're the holiday either both go or he goes. Absolutely do not give him a 'week off' to do as he likes. I would err on the side I him going. Make a believable excuse to the kids for now. He can get a taste of what having them alone is really like. Please don't count on him not screwing you about with money. Once the decision is made to leave they almost always turn on you despite early promises to do the right thing. My ex left for ow and laughed at the idea that he would only pay the CMS minimum..'of course I would never do that,we don't even need to look at what it would be'. Two years on and he is now taking me to court to rescind the order to pay more than CMS. If you split the no 1 rule is that he is no longer on your side. You sound quite strong and angry,rather than broken. Try to stay that way if you can but if it does all fall apart, allow yourself time to grieve and be as honest with the kids as you can. Good luck.

Sorry for what is happening OP.

If I were you I'd consult a solicitor now so you know where you stand before he makes any decision. Then with solicitor's advice you are ready for what YOU want to do. He needs to properly have the rug pulled out from under him

We all say that about money.
But so many of us have been screwed over.
Don't believe any of it.
Take it all with a pinch of salt.
I hope you had some wine, shared your burden and had a good cry with your friend.
Keep yourself busy for now.
Think about what you want and what is right for YOU!

How are you, OP? Been following thread. Just wanted to check in on you! x

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through this hideousness. You do sound incredibly strong, you're a credit to yourself. How are things? X