Don't know what to do anymore :(

[Sillyface29]

Good morning!
Sorry if this is going to be a bit long, please stick with it!
I've been with my partner 3 years. We have a 2 year old together and he has a child from a previous relationship.
I knew when I got with him he had a bit of a reputation for being a bit of a "bad lad" but didn't realise the full extent. The start of the relationship was a nightmare, he was a heavy drinker and took a lot of drugs on the weekend when he was out with the lads. He would disappear for full weekends and I would never know where he was.
I left him but then found out I was pregnant. He promised he would change, which he did and we moved in together.
For a few months everything was perfect, until his ex contacted me 2 weeks before my due date to say he had slept with her. Something he strongly denies, and although it was always there again I tried to work on our family. We had our son and his child came to live with us. Life was ok, he left his job, set up a business and everything was normal till xmas just gone.
He stole some money from our savings and started taking drugs and drinking again. He started going on weekend binges and not bothering coming home. I had enough, so packed some clothes for my son and I, then went to stay at my mums.
That was 7 months ago and since then my life has literally been a nightmare. He has let my son down so many times, he would rather go to the pub then pick him up. My son would be waiting with his little back pack on and I wouldn't get so much as a text to let me know he wasn't coming. Yet I still have him chance after chance with my son. In the end I just stopped getting him ready as I knew he wouldn't turn up.
He wouldn't pay me a penny for our son, I literally had to rely on my mum. He wrote his car off drink driving, he's lost his business and I find out he's got hundereds of pounds in drug debts- what still haven't been payed. He's been messaging other women, one of which was my school friend, practically begging for a date and making out I'm some crazy psychopath who stops him from seeing his son.
Honestly I could write a book about how much stuff he has done to us. But through all this all I wanted to do was help him as I desperately wanted to be the family unit for my son.
I finally got me and my son a house and it has taken me 3 months to get it how I wanted- he wouldn't give me any of my stuff so my mum and I had to literally start from scratch to buy everything again. All my savings have gone and my mum has spent well over her means to make sure we had everything. Something which I am majorly embarrassed about as before I had my son I've always worked and now I feel like such a failure having to rely on others.
Anyways 3 weeks ago, my partner said he had cut down his drinking and stopped taking drugs. Which he has stopped going out on weekends which is a massive improvement. But I still feel as though I don't trust him. He is spending more time with his son (not unsupervised im always there) and we are taking the children out as a family.

Now comes the dilemma. He wants to move in with us and start a fresh. Which I said we need to take it slow, as I don't really ready yet. Everything he has done over the past few months, I feel crippled with anxiety and me and my son are still at my mums till i feel ready to be alone (I know I sound like a big baby sorry). He doesn't understand that he's done anything wrong and is taking it personally saying I obviously don't love him if I can't spend anytime with him as a couple, and tell me I either wipe the slate clean or he leaves me as he can't wait around forever.

It's kept me awake the past 3 nights, because I don't want to lose him when I know he's actually trying to sort his life out. But how can I put my son in that position and make him vulnerable to be hurt again? He won't talk about anything he's done to us, just keeps saying we will never be happy if you keep bringing up the past- but why should he get away with all the hurt and heartbreak he has caused and just carry on as though nothing has happened.

I'm lying to my close friends as I know how much they dislike him after what he's done to us. But I am so frightened I'm going to lose him if I can't forget about the past and just take the step and put it all behind us. I have just getting a text off him saying can we stay together as a family till the weekend, and if it doesn't work we go our separate ways! I just don't know what to do, I'm actually scared to say no!

I realise how pathetic this post is, I sound like a needy child when in fact I'm a 30 year old woman. I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't even feel like me! I can't talk to anyone about it and I'm in desperate need of advice if anyone has been in the situation I'm in.

Arghhhh xx

Poor thing. Hugs. One weekend is not going to undo all the past horrors even if it's perfect, and you'll be walking on eggshells for ever more waiting for the INEVITABLE horrors to come back. You love him and want everything to work, because you're a good person. You are doing a one-sided job though, you know that.
You have done brilliantly to set up a new home. Do not jeopardise that now. Work on your future for your son by keeping yourself strong, and take it day by day being kind to yourself but strong in your resolve. Probably best not tell your son his dad is coming until he arrives!!
I understand why you don't want to be open with your friends, it feels like a betrayal and also you are worried they will think you are foolish for wanting him. Think on it as what you would think if it was your friend! They have your interests at heart so do lean on the ones you really trust.
You are only 30, you have a long future ahead. Don't waste any more of it on him. Think how you would feel if you find yourself in the same situation at 40 - which you could well do if you don't free yourself now. It's hard getting out before you hate him, but it's better than getting to that point I know from experience...

Life

You've already found your bollocks OP, you've said it. Just keep on saying it out loud.

Will seem LESS credible. Gah.

I'm sorry OP but DustinGee has it spot on.
If you drag your son into this based on you hoping and praying that this time it'll be different, then you're letting him down. You know in your heart it won't work out. You can't make someone be the person you want them to be.

Instead of this focus on wanting to recreate the Waltons with this arsehole, (You don't need a man to complete you or your family btw) , Start focusing on making a better life for you and your son.
Retrain, or go back to work, and please please please do the Freedom Programme, build up your confidence, make new friends etc etc. There's an amazing life out there waiting for you.
There doesn't seem anything positive that'll come from this relationship. You'll damage your relationships with your friends, mum and son, and your own mental health.

You are getting there OP.
Find that anger and direct it towards dickhead.

Your mum did a lovely thing helping you.
My family would do the same for me (in fact they are and I'm nearing 50) and I would do the same for my DD without hesitation.
Just don't throw that back in her face by taking this 'man' back.
That would be disrespect of the highest order.
So don't let her down.
Don't let yourself down and most importantly, don't let your son down.
Find those words. Say them out loud in a mirror over and over.
Then tell him straight.
He's a loser and a cunt and you don't want him back - ever!
Job done!
I do know it's not that easy but make it look like it is.
Fake it 'til you make it!

All I wanted was for him to have a stable family, and to live with both of his parents.

Do you understand now that in many situations, in order to have a stable family, a child needs to NOT live with both his parents?

Don't buy into the bullshit you've probably been sold about how children need two parents to be ok in life. They don't. What they need is PEACE, LOVE, and RESPECT in their home.

If two adults can live in peace, love & respect while they raise the child, then the child is likely to be happy in life.

If two adults cannot live in peace, love & respect while they raise the child, BUT they insist on staying in a house together because a child needs to "live with both of his parents", then, and I'm sorry to say this, but the child is likely to be extremely unhappy for his entire life.

If ONE adult offers a child a home full of peace, love and respect, and that child never knows another adult as his parent even, that is still an excellent childhood and the child is set up for a life of happiness.

You need to let go of whatever bullshit Disney fantasy you have been fed about a two parent family being the only way to do things. You'll hurt your child if you swallow that hook. You need to dramatically refocus your energy on your own relationship with your child, let go of the fantasy of nuclear family life, and start investing your time, emotion and resources into creating a life with just you and DS.

I just need to find the bollocks to say this.

No. Stop. You don't (even shouldn't) say ANYTHING to this tosser. He deserves no explanation. Every word you say to him, you're draining more energy out of yourself that you should be using on yourself and DS.

STOP thinking about him. Stop caring what he says and thinks and does and believes. You are a woman in your own right. His opinion is worthless.

You must radically refocus yourself. Every thought you have about him and the way you wished life would be - you must begin to discipline yourself, starting today, to turn your mind away from those thoughts and towards yourself, your son, and the wonderful little family that is made up of the two of you.

You feel weak OP but it's because you've allowed yourself to be enslaved by a myth. You are punishing yourself for not living up to the fairytale. Let the fairytale go. Let it float away like a balloon. Wake up in this moment and look at what you have, and see how much more you could build, if you stopped chasing the fantasy.

You're right. You are so right.

I'm actually crying writing this, I don't think I've ever felt strong enough to just tell him to fuck off. I've always tried to help him and pretend it's the alcohol or drugs that make him do these things. I'm always making excuses for him.

I'm going to have a good chat with my mum when she gets in. I think she was expecting him to try and sort himself out too.
He's really clever at making people believe him and say the right things I guess.

It's not your job to help him though; he's choosing to live his life in this manner.

It IS your job to raise your son well though, which is why ditching this prick is job one on your list.

I have faith in you!

I am sure your mother was only too willing to spend her money on setting you and DS up in your new home. I would have done the same for my adult dc - we will do anything for our children - and no, I wouldn't want the money back. But if she knows you are even contemplating allowing your ex back she will be desperately worried for her daughter and grandchild. How would you advise your DS in these circumstances? How would you feel?

Look at some of the things you have said:

my son doesn't go nowhere near him without me. My little boy is my first priority, everything I do is for him

I think you mean this in terms of access - he has supervised access right? But if your ex lived with you and DS, you couldn't guarantee to be there every minute.

I am certainly not putting my little boy through it again and again. Hence why I stopped getting him ready

Quite right - you can do this whilst you are separated but not if you live together - who knows what he may say or do if he is actually in the same house.

All I wanted was for him to have a stable family, and to live with both of his parents

But if he is to have a stable family, he can't have both his parents - his father is UNstable. He CAN have a stable, happy, secure family life - with his mother and grandmother and other extended family, just not with his dad (except for supervised access).

I am not having a go at you OP - I know you feel bewildered and vulnerable, I know you would do anything for your DS. If, heaven forfend, anything were to happen/go wrong and it came to light that you knew your ex was taking drugs/drinking/whatever and you still allowed him to live with you and DS - how would it look? Just ask yourself. Surely it isn't worth this sort of risk.

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM - go it alone. If he wants it enough he will wait however long it takes. 2 years sounds reasonable of no let downs, no drugs, no being a twat

He isn't try to change. I can tell you this from two points you mentioned:

He refused to discuss the past and expects you to forget it. If he wanted to change, he'd be looking at where he went wrong in the past, analyzing triggers, apologizing deeply, making amends.

Secondly, there would be no "now or never". He'd be focused on you and what you need to feel secure in a time frame decided by you.

Can you see in both the points above he is only focused on himself and what he wants? You don't get a look in. This is why he doesn't want to change and isn't trying.

Find that tough protective lioness within.
Pull up your big girl pants and get to it!
You can do it.

Right, this sort of shit really pisses me off. As harsh as @DustinGee may sound, the advice is spot on. I'm not saying you are selfish or anything derogatory taking money from your mum - she's your mum. I would do it for my kids, you would do it for yours. End of. HOWEVER, you take this piece of shit back AFTER your mum has SPENT BEYOND HER MEANS to set you up again and you will be INCREDIBLY selfish!! Your son does not need someone who lets him down. He needs YOU!! You've posted about how he has massive drug debts - DRUG debts. DEBTS FROM USING DRUGS...WEEKEND BENDERS...BEGGING GIRLS FOR DATES...it goes on. Shit like this doesn't clear up overnight! What happens when he gets into serious bother with the unsavouries that supply the drugs??? Who's going to pay the price then? Your son? And you'll be happy with that just to have 'a whole family'???

AND you're LYING to your friends and family??!!!! For HIM????? Are you mental???

A question: what would you advise your own child to do??? My god!

He will destroy you and your sons lives if you let him in again. There really is no dilemma at all. Tell him to fuck off. I'd actually suggest not letting him near your son at all. No contact nothing. And I rarely feel that way. I wouldn't worry about him taking me to court either because chances are he wouldn't bother and if he did he wouldn't get very far.

Kick him into touch block his number and all his social media and never ever let him darken your door again. He doesn't give a fuck about you or your son, you're simply an option to him because all his others are gone presumably because he is an utter shit. You owe it to your child (and your poor mum) to never let him in again.

Oh and from personal experience never ever let someone with drug debts live in your house. Bad things happen.

This is what they do. They suck you and make you feel responsible. I remember saying to my Dad "I am scared of what will happen to him if I don't help him". My Dad said "that man has the survival instinct of a rat and rats are always the last ones left standing". He was so right.

He is NOT your responsibility and he knows this but it suits him to make you feel that he is because then he gets what he wants. He will accuse you of all kinds of nasty shit. He will say you are "selfish, you don't care about your child because you're robbing him of a real family life, you're shagging someone else, who is it? Who is it? because otherwise you'd take me back" he will do and say anything to break down your barriers and get back in. DO NOT FALL FOR IT.

MsGame - I like the sound of your dad! Use of the word rat is absolutely correct when referring to abusive people.

I would advise my own child to fucking run and never look back.

I am in no way feeling sorry for myself or playing a victim. I'm just finding all this really difficult. I've had so much crap and people call me worse than shit for stopping him seeing his child that I started to actually think that I was a horrible person and that everyone deserves a dad. It's horrible when you question your own beliefs and start to doubt yourself.
i even went to the doctors because I thought I was going crazy.

I feel so much better reading the replies and as harsh as they are, it's what I need. I honestly thought because he had stopped drinking that he might do the decent thing and sort his life out, I'm obviously very deluded.

I can't wait to just get a clear head, move into our new home and sort my sons future out. Thankyou again xx

He's an Ass Hat himself at times but very clued up about the motives and actions of crap men and husbands. He's always been bang on when he's advised me on that stuff.

The thing is OP, I am quite sure that your ex IS loveable and kind and seemingly vulnerable at times. He he showed the selfish abusive arsehole that he is 24/7 he'd never even come close to getting what he wants would he? He knows just how much to give to reel you back in. They're ALL the same.

Yeah yeah, the you evil bitch keeping him from his child cliche. They ALL say that too. What a load of shit. You didn't, you know you didn't, he kept himself from his child.

I agree with most of what Dustin said. I think you should follow the advice You don't know what to do? Well, if you had any sense you'd shut down all channels of communication...no more texts, no more emails, no more conversations. You'd write him a formal letter offering sensible access arrangements with regard to your son and see if he steps up to the mark. You make it clear that any personal relationship between the two of you is over and you won't discuss it further. That's what you do.

You will work yourself into a frenzy trying to talk to him. He will outwit and disarm you every time.

As regards those who call you a psycho, you don't have to explain yourself to them. The truth will always out in the end and they will see that it is he who is the festering pile of shite! If it helps you and your sanity just have a one liner prepared, something like 'who really knows what goes on behind closed doors' then walk on. Do not engage further or feel you ever need to explain yourself.

If you every bring him back into your life he will bleed you dry.

You need to keep reading your own posts about where he lied, he slept around, he is a drunken, drug taking scum bag, he stands up meetings with his own small boy, he wont let you have any of your stuff from the house you shared and get mad and stay mad. Do not engage with him. You do not have to get up the courage to give him any explanation. He deserves nothing from you. Remember - NO is a complete sentence.

I read on another thread recently where mothers were saying they were the ones who tried to encourage and facilitate time with the dad only to watch the child be disappointed again and again and ultimately damaged by it. If he wants to have a relationship with his son, that is his job to figure out, not yours.

Good luck, stay strong. 2 year olds are such funny little creatures. Focus on the fun you can derive and have with your little family and cut this fuck wit out of your life.

Hey OP... Along with every other poster I agree you should not let this man move back in with you - for all the reasons already given. But I do understand how hard it is when you lose yourself. Take strength from wherever you find it and please don't let him back into your domestic life x

I understand how hard this is - but you are doing the right thing in keeping him out and away from both of you. It is rare to have such agreement from the mumsnet vipers.

When considering his likely future behaviour - look back at similar times in the past. Think of the 'if it looks like a duck/eats like a duck... it is a duck'

From over here it seems that he walks like a duck and whatever feathers he promises to grow - he will remain a duck.

Staying with him will be painful - again and again. You will always be made to feel responsible for his lack. Your child will grow up to think that he is son of a duck and that he should adopt duck-like behaviour.

Free yourself from him. It will be painful for a while but then you will be clear of all this. You will be happy. Your son will be happy.

Perhaps you will also be free to love a man who is able to love you back. There are many many good ones out there. Look for one who says less about what he could be and who is more of what you want/need/deserve.

now or never eh? well that's easy then!!